Have any of you experienced this? My wife is involved with some stuff online that is tearing me apart. She's involved in phone/web cam sex with at least one guy, and the way she's talking to almost everyone on her Yahoo messenger is way over the line. She's playing as if she's single to all these guys except for a few. She's still intimate with me, and yet also with them. I actually have a counseling session set up for myself for Wednesday. First time ever. I'm falling apart inside. She's been through alot because of family issues over the last couple years, but me and her seem strong still, except for this.

I've confronted her on it, we've cried, talked, fought, the whole nine yards. She said she'd quit but hasn't. I read her mail and messenger messages, which kills me to know, but kills me to not know too. What the heck am I supposed to do?????????? I'm at my whit's end. She apologized to me yesterday for not being trustworthy and pledged that she'd earn my trust back, but just Saturday she was talking to this guy, the phone/cam guy. I'm losing it here.

Cancel home internet service until this is resolved.

I thought about doing that. I just don't want to do something hasty and have it backlash on me. Know what I mean?

Yeah, I know EXACTLY what you mean .... you are more afraid of your wife's anger than you are of her on line cheating.

sigh.....more like, I'm afraid of causing more trouble. More tension. I can't stand the damn tension.

You should be aware that if she's behaving like that online, there is a very good chance she's messing around with at least one person in the real world.

She'll swear on her parents' lives that she isn't.

Do some homework.

Be a man, tension be damned!

Matt...

Conflict avoidance is NOT the solution to your problem...You are charged with being the leader of your household...It is under attack...LEAD...Cancel internet...

Your marriage CAN survive your wife's anger, but it cannot and will not survive her continuing affairs...

Mrs. W

The others are right. You need to stand up to this right away. This is a serious problem that will likely destroy your marriage if you don't do something about it.

Yes, the conflict that results from this will be uncomfortable. Probably not the kind of thing that you like to do. I can tell you firsthand that however unpleasant it is, it will be vastly superior to slowly losing your wife/marriage/family to infidelity.

Plus, this is a wake-up call that there is something wrong with your marriage. There are lots of resources around that can help you address whatever the problems are.

Honestly, she seems to be addicted. I mean for real addicted, like she can't stop. I don't understand that but yeah, it does. I asked her if she might be and told her that she seemed to be. She was saved by the bell so to speak, as her sister came to pick her up for their wal-mart trip. That was a few days ago. I haven't brought it up since.
I smoke, beat alchoholism, and know what addiction is like. BUT I don't understand how you could be hooked on internet relationships or whatever, even while you watch it hurt your marriage. I just don't get it.

Yes, it is an addiction...It is no different than if your wife were laying on the floor of a crack house...Would you go get her if that were the case? Do the same here, by cutting off the internet as the first step...consequences..."bring the bottom up"...no enabling the addiction...boundaries, Matt, boundaries...

What do you think will get worse if you cancel the internet? What is worse than what is going on now? Do you understand that your marriage will not survive the continuing of these affairs?

Mrs. W

Matt, my friend, she IS addicted. Totally addicted to the buzz of the sexual tension. She can't stay off the computer.

When you cancel the internet, you cut off the supply. She will go into withdrawal, p!$$ and moan, scream and holler.

It will be like withdrawing from a drug...BECAUSE IT IS!!

You can help her get through it. After a week, things will get better and she will come to her senses and look back and shudder at what she had become. Maybe more than a week. But you have to cut off the access to the drug.

Sounds like she is willing but the flesh is weak.

IMHO

kirk

Disconnecting your Internet service may mean that you won't be able to use the Internet from your home either, unless you have some other means of accessing it.

Depending on how much you know about networking, and what type of Internet connection you're using, you could make it very difficult for her to get to those sites, while still having the Internet service.

For example, if you have cable or ADSL service, you could set a new password for your Internet account, and configure your Cable or ADSL modem to not remember the password. This will mean that you'll have to manually start up the connection of course, but that's better than having no connection at all.

Hindsight is 20/20.

You need to take action and need to do so right now.

Your W has shown she's not trustworthy or trustable so you can take some steps to stop what's happening.

If you're tech savvy, then you can cuttoff the computer by a simple password requirement upon boot up. This will save you the hassle of cancelling a service.

Get into your system setup and setup a password that you have to enter to boot the computer.

Very simple solution.

Now, this idea of "increasing the tention":

It's going to get worse before it gets better. What happens to an addict when you take the bottle/needle out of their hands?

They get angry. They rage. They blow up.

Expect that to happen and don't fear it.

Why did I say that hidshight is 20/20? Because getting tough and taking a stand is the only solution and I failed to do so in my situation. What did it get me? Divorced and separated from my kids with nothing worth anything in my possession. My fear of "increasing the tention" encouraged me to give in and get along as best as I could and I got nothing for doing so other than divorced, separated from the kids, and with nothing in my possession.

So you need to take a stand. Anything else is just excuse making and has proven time and time again on these boards to not work. The husbands who have any success at all are the ones who play hardball. Ironically, they're the ones that get their wives back. You have to be willing to lose everything in order to regain everything.

The other thing you can do is get keylogging software and have it block whatever site she uses. I use WebWatcher and it has that capability.

I know you guys are right. I just got online and checked the cell phone accounts. I'd already known from her instant messenger history that she'd talked to this guy on the phone Thursday night. But I'm suprised (kind of) to find out from the cell phone account online that they talked for 123 minutes! She talked to this dude from 12:03 am till 2:06 am! On her laptop, with the camera hooked up, in OUR BED, and on the phone. All at the same time. WOAH. I really won't see her again till Wednesday when she gets home from work at 8 at night. I have two days to think I guess, plus the counselor on Wednesday. I feel stupid for doing the therapy thing though.

Oh, and she got up for work Friday morning at 5 after that. I don't understand her at all.

It's the addiction driving her.

Her online behavior plus the fact that she's gone so much for her job SCREAMS "she's currently having a real-life affair".

The online stuff probably just fills in the gaps between real life "meetings".

I'm telling you...prepare yourself mentally for the fact that she's probably cheating on you in real life.

On the slim chance she isn't, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Look up "polygraph tests" in your area while you're at it, and don't let her turn this around on you in any way!

Matt,

""Friday morning at 5 after that. I don't understand her at all.""

Think about it. She's going to meet him before work.

The addiction is sooooo strong, she must get her fix, whenever she can.

Plus, I would check to see if she even made it in to work!!

Hope for the best, but expect the worst!

Stay strong!

kirk