I'm new here and want to share my story thus far. I'm a nursing student struggling in my last year of school. For the past few years I've been pretty busy raising the kids and going part time to school. About 3 weeks ago, I was having a Calgon moment after the kids went to bed. I got a phone call from a mutual friend of mine and my hubby telling me that my hub has been having numerous affairs with both men and women. I was told he is currently involved with someone, but it's rocky. I was beside myself with shock and disbelief! I know he's been putting in long hours, but he's an electrician who's been getting his own business up and running (seemed normal to me, the late nights, stress= little sex drive). I bawled in the tub and walked passed my hubby on the couch and went to bed. I felt I needed to digest what I was told (and I had a huge exam the next am). I kicked him out the next day amidst the denials and the 'what's?.

I spoke with him that night and he came clean and told me it had only been with one person. It was our "mutual" friend (who happens to be male and gay). Seems the other man wanted my hub to lay his cards on the table. My hub has been seeing a therapist (another I didn't know that, moment) and they both assure me he's not gay and they don't think he's bi (WHAT!!!!). Seems his behavior stems from being sexually abused growing up by a step father (some father hey). It's also beenn going on for 4 years!!!!! Where have I been?

Ok, so now I know. What do I do with it all. It's all just too much. I close my eyes and see him with this man, and I just want to throw up. I'm so angry. I thought we were fine and I thought I was in a monogomous relationship. How can I possibly move on from here. It seems to get worse every day. Can you imagine having to tell your doctor why you need to be tested for every STD known to man? Who has an affair with someone of the same sex and doesn't use condoms? My hubby that's who.
I can't sleep tonight. I should find out the results of my STD tests tomorrow (well actually its 4:30am now).

We are trying to work things out, but I'm so hurt and angry I just want him to drive off a cliff. My children know as much as they can handle and they know I'm trying to work things out becuase it's important to them. I don't tell them that I have no job, no money, and hate like crazy to uproot them from school. My oldest just started middle school and has special needs. Underneath it all, I'd be lying if I denied my love for him. But honestly, can one ever recover from something like this?

Hi Valerie,

I just wanted to welcome you to MB. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. You will find alot of support and advice here. Yours is a rather unusual situation but you will find that we have all been mangled pretty badly and lived to talk about it.

I hope that some of the long timers will be along soon to offer their help. You may want to post in General Questions as it gets alot more traffic. Just know that you are not alone. My prayers are with you.

I hope that you will feel better after you get the test results back. At least it may give you a starting point.

God's Blessings,

Say

Say,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Any pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.

Sorry you're here. You can recover, many people do. You might want to get hold of Kubler Ross's On Death and Dying. It will help you to recognize as you go through the stages of dealing with the death of the marriage you thought you had.

Hang in there.

Valerie,

Can you afford to call Dr Harley? I would be very interested to hear what he would say about your situation. Yours is a double betrayal. I think that may be why you have not gotten many responses to your dilemma. Again, I think you would get more response on GQ.

I pray that you are still reading and doing your own praying. I have no pearls of wisdom. My Dh and I are 17 months past D-Day and I feel that our M is totally renewed. Personal R is an ongoing process and we are very actively helping each other. We did that through the Grace of God and the wise counsel of many wonderful books and the advice from this forum.

Please keep your chin up.

God's Blessings,

Say

Valerie,

Welcome. I can offer you one piece of advice that I am sure is good as gold. Make NO quick decisions about this. You have been tested and that is good. You are aware of the affair, what has your H done since the discovery? Has he sent a letter of no contact? Has he made plans to avoid contact with this man? How long has he been in counseling and what prompted him to go to counseling? Does he offer any indications that counseling has been of help?

This is not a good situation, but give it time and have patience both with your H and yourself. With time will come information and insight that will allow you to make the best possible decisions.

I would suggest you read all of the articles on this sight. This is not a safe the marriage at all costs sight, but Harley recognized that many marriages could be saved with insight, knowledge, and time to heal. Perhaps your's will be one, perhaps not. No matter, you want to make the best decisions you can for your children and for yourself.

Your marriage can be recovered but it will take time, some significant changes on the part of your H, and healing on your part.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all for your input. My H began counseling because he was couldn't live the way he had been living any longer. He knows he wants our marriage and family intact, but the control this other person had over him was very much like the control his step father had over him growing up. He is working out the whys and the damage done previously. He has never been big on communication, but when we talked, he told me that he needs to be in couseling to figure out why, as an adult, he would seek out the very same situation as when he was a child. He has no contact with this other person and I have contacted this other person as well asking for no more contact (other than tieing up business,which must go through me). I was honest and asked for nothing more than basic human respect which I feel is the least either one can give me right now. They have both agreed.

I have been reading posts and working on me. For years I have been a mother and have forgotten that I'm also a woman who used to have interests. I've been going out with friends about 1x per week and just having good conversation and fun. I feel empowered and no longer weak. I do not blame myself any longer. I let H know that he owns many of the issues I thought were me. I am not only worthy, I'm absolutely 100% comitted to being the best me that I can be. I told my H that I'm moving forward and if wants to grab ahold of me and come along great, if not, he can stay and stagnate exactly where he is today.

Ive been looking at things a bit differently lately. I've realized that my love has always been true. I have always tried my best (which may not have been meeting his needs, but still my best) to make sure H knew that. I have been honest (maybe to a fault), but he never had to read between any lines, and I have always been a wonderful mother. If our marriage doesn't weather this, I can walk away with very little regret. I will be able to sleep and look at myself in the mirror knowing I'm at peace. Now, I do accept my responsiblilty in this relationship and understand it's not all on him, but I pray for peace and have felt it. I want my marriage to be better than ever and I believe it can be. I will give this 100%. Sometimes I wish I hated him because it would be so much easier to walk away. Truth is I love him with every bit of myself and I have to fight for it.

Thank you for all of your input and support. It was difficult for me to write my story because I know it's way off the deep end. I thank you for accepting me and supporting me when I'm sure it would be much easier to say "The guys gay, get rid of him.".

Hi Valerie,

I'm so glad to hear from you. Your state of mind seems very healthy today. Plan A is about working on being the best you that you can be and you seem to really have a handle on that. Keep it up and come here when you need support and hugs.

Stay close to God. It is amazing how you feel once you have walked through these trials and can look back and see what He was doing. (:

God's blessings,

Say