I should have written this a long time ago. But now I need to spill it and this forum seems the best place to start. I can’t believe I’m back here. I discovered this site and all of its wonderful advice a year ago when my wife had her first affair. As Aerosmith says “I’m back in the saddle again". Okay, here’s the logistics so you get the picture. I’m 36 y/o, my wife is 32; married nearly 7 years. We have a mixed lot of hers, mine, and ours- I have two children (16 and 15) from a previous marriage living in another state. She has a 12 y/o daughter I’ve raised since she was 5, and we have a 5 y/o son together.

On August 1st, I was hospitalized with blood clots in my left leg and my lungs. Two weeks after my release, my wife decided to have an affair with a 50 y/o man she met at a bar while out one night. I affectionately refer to him as “Leatherface”, as he resembles the monster from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in my opinion. But I digress. It’s been nearly three months now and I’ve been living in Groundhog’s Day, as I’m sure most of you understand how that feels. I read through my journal and counted 11 times I was told she would end contact, only to watch the emails, text messages, then meetings etc. reappear. You know the whole viscious cycle. I could easily write a novella-length description of the entire sordid roller-coaster ride, but I guess this is all you need to know for now.

I’ve had it. I’ve reached the end of my rope, my wits, and my limits as a human being and I’m tired of being lied to, disrespected, and my feelings disregarded. I’m tired of being played, stroked, then slapped in the face! I’ve been neck deep in Plan A for about six weeks now and while there’s been some surface results, she’s continuing the fair unabated, giving me the proverbial “we’re just friends”. I even attempted to make piece with Leatherface, but that was also met with a slap in the face, almost literally when one of his drunken buddies confronted me in a bar and got in my face talking s@*t. I calmly walked away, retaining my role as the good guy and flag still waves on the moral high ground. I hope to keep it there. I’ve bent over backwards, forwards, and sideways doing everything I could to peacefully resolve this. I’m done. Finished. Kaput. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm done!

I’m now at a crossroads. She has gone for a week on a camping trip with her daughter, to connect with her….the little girl has had it as much as I have. Before they left, I made it very clear that she needed to make a choice…the “friendship”, or our marriage. Depending on what she decides, I’ll begin Plan B in the next couple of weeks. So with that in mind, I’m reaching out to this community of wise but wounded people for encouragement, support, and anything else you have to offer. I need all the help I can get...I’m all ears!

P.S. Doesn't plan A feel a bit like trying to give someone a big, warm hug while they're bashing your skull in with a baseball bat???

After writing my introductory post, I've been thinking and I need to deal with some specifics...many lingering questions whirl about in my thoughts. I read back through my journal- I've kept a detailed record about all the events and my thoughts and feelings- to assess my Plan A. I've failed on some counts and succeded on others.
- I've improved myself. I've worked hard to fullfill emotional needs and become a more desireable husband. This earned some favor in her affirming our marriage, but it hasn't had the result of her ending contact.
-I've used exposure to the ‘nth power. I’ve told everyone but the cashier at the grocery store (and I’m thinking about that if she’ll give me her phone number- j/k…I know two wrongs don’t make a right!) Friends and family have talked to her till they're all as blue in the face as I and to no avail! Still, I have the support of EVERYONE.
-Although my gesture of peace may have been wrong, it made me look like the good guy, the bigger man and earned some respect and admiration from the people above. But even that didn't work!

So here I am, she's gone for a week and I have some time and space to get my s^*t together. My first question is this: what do I call out and what do I let slide? Do I confront every text and phone call? I looked at phone records and see there were calls today. Do I just ignore them? How does one keep balance between not making demands, disrespect, etc. and still not be the doormat??? I've stopped blowing up and yelling, cursing, etc. calmly, but firmly stating my position. That has been acknowledged, but hasn't changed anything....
What about "his" continued pursuit? Obviously she's making the choices, but he seems to be at her beck and call. Is there anything I can do to head this off at the pass, so to speak? Do I heat up the pressure and start confronting him? What about "threats", or what she might interpret as. I'm tempted to tell her "N----- the landscape of what you come home to might look vastly different than what you left" if contact with "him" continues through the week. Is that wise or foolish??

Regarding planning Plan B, I read conflicting thoughts on leaving vs. trying to get them to leave. I've told her to leave through many incidents, but she refuses. Ultimately she doesn't have anywhere to go. I'm not sure if "he" has offered her a place to live, but I don't think she'll go that route because it would force acknowlegement of the situation publicly. Even though friends and family knows, she's not ready for this. I can't legally make her leave. We rent a house from a friend, but said friend is mutual and won't take "sides" in this. Am I losing ground my getting my own place and leaving? I talked to an attorney today who said this didn't matter from a legal standpoint, since we rent, but it's a matter of principal. This is MY house and I'm the one keeping it afloat. I earn 85% of the income and she can't sustain herself on her own.

Lastly, and most importantly, is my stepdaughter, who has been through this with me every step of the way. She was aware on those nights mom didn't come home, has seen the text messages, emails, pictures, etc. not to mention the flowers, gifts etc. As I stated before, she's as fed up as I. Yet I have no legal rights to her. If I leave, I'm pretty much powerless when it comes to her, even though I'd likely get custody of my son if it came down to it. I'm in a Catch-22 here......

Alas, it's all so confusing~!

I would suspect that this camping trip is with the OM. With the goal to get your SD used to living with the OM.

I would pay a suprise visit to confirm the OM's presence.

I've considered this, and although anything is possible, it's unlikely. They are with several friends, who know everything and will meet OP with EXTREME prejudice if he is seen. OP knows this and would be very, very, very brave and stupid to show up there. Furthermore, our daughter will blow the whistle if she discovers him there. Her knowledge and involvement is a whole other issue. I am, however, monitoring closely and may very well make a surprise visit at some point.

Since you are renting, you should move out and take the children with you. WW will not be able to support herself; cut her off financially. Is the father of your step daughter in the picture at all? Not sure what rights step parents have to visit stepchildren in the event of separation or divorce. What has your attorney said?

The "friend" whose house you rent is someone you should get rid of too.