Leaving is going to be a choice, GG. Yours, and yours alone. What I'm proposing is that you just get away for several weeks by yourself. A month or maybe two with no contact with her and only necessary contact from your boys.

I really think you could use the mental break, and I think you deserve it.

I wonder how feasible it would be for you to look for a cabin near a lake - or some little place near the ocean in Maine or Delaware. Not horribly far away, but far enough away to get some breathing space when things are piling up on you. Do you think your wife would freak out? It's something to think about.

Heck - even an RV set up permanently in a nice campground might be a nice reprieve for you. Think on it.

I also want to ask how it came about that you ended up in the neighborhood you're in? Why, if you were struggling in your business (in the beginning), would you move to such an exclusive neighborhood, knowing the competition with the Jones' would be so fierce?

GG - We haven't heard from you in a while. Just wondering how you're doing.

Fine thank you.

My head is just spinning with things going on lately. With biz, and me trying to decide what to do, and how it will effect my family, my wife.......and how concerned I should be with HOW it effects her....should I be concerned with her financial well being or not, or more concerned with MINE....or hers.....blah blah blah........All my feelings point to "screw her", but deep down I KNOW, regardless of HOW she treats ME, I have a responsibility to my marriage. She is my wife, my promises were NOT CONTINGENT on how she treated me.......Its tough, but UNDENIABLE. Its pretty obvious ANY other thought is simply an EXCUSE for me to try and get even....and I don't want to do that. ANd frankly I just want to make her HAPPY, more than I want to make myself happy. Kinda why I am considering leaving..........

I'm just real frustrated. The right thing is NOT always the thing that makes you feel the best or even good. But its still right. Face it, we PROMISE a whole lot on our wedding day. And we strut around feeling REAL GOOD about ourselves as a person BECAUSE of the promises we make. And to over HALF of us, those words are just that....words.

But knowing this and DOING this are two different things. Sometimes I just want to EXPLODE...........but, thats a thing of the past, not now, not for a long time now.

But, getting away....that would be nice. But the money would have to be disguised. With college and retirement to be funded, me going on a getaway to find some solace would NOT be met with support. I can hear her now "why do you need to "get away", did I spend money on "getting away" during the 20 years of hell you put ME through?" No, you didn't...........there's no denying that.

But, never the less, I would love to start seeing some places I MIGHT have to call home in the future.......

Hope you are doing OK.

This reminds me of the cabin pressure thing. If you have a child with you, you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first, before you put one on the child. Cos he sure won't put YOURS on.

If you want to protect her and do right by her, you need to take care of YOURSELF first. Cos she sure won't do it.

Do what you need to do for your life, your business, your future (NEW) career that will bring you happiness, and your peace of mind. By doing that, you will help her.

The only thing you have to get past is your hating to hear her tear you down. Try, try, try to remember that is HERS to own; not yours. If she wants to get mad at you, she will. And she will! So you might as well be doing what makes you happy while she does it.

Hey Cat

Yeah, I ALWAYS remember what you told me about HER owning it.....Believe me, even though I'm still deep into this mess, that helps me a lot.

Both you and Soolee have told me that this anger is hers. I still fight guilt every day, but I really do realize that I can't change the past and in all honesty, I really AM throwing this whole STANDSTILL of our relationship on HER. And for THAT, I feel absolutely NO guilt. I think she thinks I SHOULD feel guilty about our relationship NOW, but I don't. I feel HORRIBLE about the past, but I can ONLY make it better and make up for it if SHE ALLOWS it. She NEEDS to be pizzed off for some reason. She NEEDS to hate me. At this point, there isn't a whole heck of a lot I can do about it.

I hope things are ok with your H and D.

GG - She did get away. She spent weeks and weeks at her parents' house, and she went away on that skiing trip...

She has summers off to do as she pleases.

Men in happier marriages think nothing about going on hunting trips away from their wives and kids. I really don't think you need to justify anything GG. This is maintenance for you, so that you can keep going at the rate you are to make her happy. She has no right to question it, and if she does, I'd set her straight.

Maybe someday you'll get to a point that you can feel sorry for her for holding in all that anger, and maybe someday you can tell her so. It doesn't serve her well, and she's bringing the whole family down with it.

Youre right!!

God, youre more perceptive than I am on whats going on here!!


BUT!!! And this is a bigger butt than hip hop dancers.......she will say that those "trips" cost NADA.......so she will give me her blessings if I can get away for the big ZERO. Sooooooo.....I gotta lie to her....which is why I lie to begin with....to avoid a confrontation....an excuse, I know, but if you got criticized for every move, you would begin to contemplate stretching the truth also....I think.....no???

Hey, in what state do you live soolee? Cat? if you don't mind me asking? I live in Connecticut. That is why the prices of things seem high in my posts.

I think the atmosphere of where one resides has a lot to do with how people act. That is why most of these "expert" fact-opinions that people throw around here with such carelessness can be so harmful. (God theres a ton of that. Somehow I don't think Hartley would want it that way) The way society acts (in general) in a NE state is a bit different in how things are done in say, ALASKA or ALABAMA. Not better or worse, just different. And when one is exposed to a bombardment of a certain way of thinking, over and over, day after day...it effects HOW they process stuff. Everyones situation is not as simple as a 500 word post. But the ongoing trend here is to treat situations as simple plots, easily solved if you think a certain way. Its getting old....real quick.

Well, good night guys. I'm putting together a soundtrack for the new restaurant. Italian stuff....mob hits, pavarotti, Boccelli, "Nablitan" music, tarentellas.....its one of the "funner" aspects of opening a new place. My walls are plastered with "wannabee" menu items. Its tough to write new menus. You have to KEEP the old popular items. You have to ADD new items while keeping in mind the profitability X popularity (non profitable items are OK as long as they are not that popular). Plus, I can't be STARVED (because Pigs feet will find their way on my menu if I am) or full (everything seems unappealing) So, I have to put together menus with "typical customer demeanor" going. You know, hungry, but not famished, maybe a glass of wine or beer in me......I have to recreate the state of being of a typical customer, that way I can react to items the way THEY do..........I gotta THINK like a guest, not like an owner.

I am ALWAYS going back and forth between items I would like to present for AUTHENTICITY'S sake VS good, solid profitable items. I MAY add an "UNMENTIONABLE CUISINE" section to this menu, you know, the items like Zimmerman eats on his show. Stuff "FOODIES" would try. Stuff that gets media attention, they don't necessarily SELL alot, but people SEE them, are aghast, TELL OTHERS ABOUT, and people come to see if its really being offered. They may ORDER something else, but they are PRESENT because of the "cool" stuff......get it??

Night all. Buena Sera. (Thats Dino!)

GG - Going away sounds like it's going to be a big deal to you, but if you do decide to go...

No. I wouldn't lie about it. That's part of the problem. I'd tell her that you need a break from the negativity in the home and that you'll be going away for a few days to catch your breath and think about your future.

If you lie about it, you are totally nixing the message this should be sending to her - that her negativity is intolerable. This isn't just about you getting away. It's also about sending a message.

Make your reservations, get your tickets or whatever, pack, and then tell her. Tell her the day before if you have to so that you won't have to put up with her beeatching for too long and allow her to talk you out of it. I know this goes against Independent Behavior, but I think sometimes our own psychological health has to take precedence and as long as you're truthful about why you're going, I don't think she can argue much with it.

Make her wonder. There is nothing wrong with the truth. If she balks, she balks. It's as simple as that. She can beeatch about it as much as she likes. You will find this fear you have is unfounded. You can tell her that if she'd drop the angry facade and start earnestly working on the marriage, perhaps you could have vacationed with her on the beach like a real married couple.

She needs to learn that there are repercussions for being angry all the time. Eventually, those around you will demonstrate a breaking point and draw the line. Where is your line, GG? I'm not trying to goad you into anything, believe me. I just think you need to determine where your boundaries are in regards to how much you feel is tolerable and how much is not.

Right now I think you're too close to the situation to see it clearly. Ever hold a book really close and it goes blurry? Same principle. I think a few days away thinking about your boundaries and/or what you want to do about your future would be good for you, but that's just me.

You said you were running the other day in the neighborhood, so I assume you get some physical exercise. What are you doing for your psychological health?

I used to avoid confrontation at all costs - all costs. I was the wallflower and kept all my resentment inside. Trust me. It feels good to put people in their place when they need it, and there's nothing wrong with it. You can do it in a civil way that isn't mean. Just factual.

I would just tell her that as the primary earner in the family, you need to give yourself a break now and then. You've been working hard and need some distance so that you can clear your head and think about things.

I'm in the NE section of the country too; though, I don't like to say where. I'm sure you understand. I've been to Mystic though on a trip up the coast, and I think we drove through Hartford which I thought was very nice. We stayed in Bar Harbor overnight and then headed up to Nova Scotia for a few days. Beautiful country. Gotta love that lobsta!

Yeah, what she says.

I'm in Texas. So what costs you $10 probably costs me $4. I get your point.

So vacation in Texas!

I am new to this forum, to forums in general. I have been afraid to some degree due to pain it caused me from my circumstances at the time. I have to say though, this topic and thread has drawn me in, in a way I never thought possible. The understanding and caring shown by all who contribute here is overwhelming! The advice and suggestions given are all so insightful and really good. GG, I know you keep saying here that you are trying not to vent so much and that you wish you could offer some help, well let me tell you, you are helping even though you may not see it. The fact that you are sharing your experience with others, many who are only reading and not commenting, is comforting to people. It may seem odd to say that, but many people share common experiences and yet think they are alone. 'no one feels like I do' well yes they do and here is the proof. I am sure there are many people here reading about your experiences and thinking, 'wow that is me'. That is invaluable for many people.

I am a cradle Catholic. I drifted from the church years ago. Two years ago in the middle of a marital crisis I was invited to attend a retreat by a catholic friend of mine. It was a God send I must say. It was a program called CHRP if your parish has this program I would encourage you to attend. I believe you would benefit from it in a way that may surprise you. The concept of the program is to bring parishioners closer together through shared experiences. It is separated into men’s and women’s groups. I have been reading the advice everyone has been giving you to get away, have you considered a retreat? How can your wife argue with you about that?

I wish you well. Perhaps I will become a regular poster here not that I have taken the first step!

Best of luck with the new restaurant! I lived in Italy for 3 years, boy do I miss it!

"I am ALWAYS going back and forth between items I would like to present for AUTHENTICITY'S sake VS good, solid profitable items. I MAY add an "UNMENTIONABLE CUISINE" section to this menu, you know, the items like Zimmerman eats on his show. Stuff "FOODIES" would try. Stuff that gets media attention, they don't necessarily SELL alot, but people SEE them, are aghast, TELL OTHERS ABOUT, and people come to see if its really being offered. They may ORDER something else, but they are PRESENT because of the "cool" stuff......get it??"

GG - I'm thinking some kind of weird ravioli - like venison or buffalo. You'd have to have it ground really fine.

Or...Italian desserts? You doing those already?

Fried Green Tomatoes? lol

How about a really cool signature capicola (sp) sandwich named after your mom?

Expensive salty olives at the bar? Make them drink more beer.

GG - regarding the restaurant.....what is you r 'bliss'? What would be your dream for it?

GG, are you still around? How goes it?

GG..How are you doing these days?

Okay GG. Come out, come out where ever you are!

Well, If it is something you really want. There's nothing somebody could do since it is your own decision.