well, if youve read my previous posts, youll know that i have had recent suspicion of my wife talking to OM again.

OM is in germany (half way across world) we liv in canada.
she met him in dominican during vacation 2.5 yrs ago
had email EA to which i caught her 4 times over 4 motnhs or so
marraige was near over until she was diagnosed bippolar


ended contact for atleast a year
then 2 weeks ago i found she sent him email. email looked as though they hadnt been talking recently, but she did mention she received a picture of ihm.

i have been wondering if i should confront her or not...

instead
i put keylogger on her pc friday.
nothing saturday or sunday
monday at 8am i left for a work trip (gone til friday)

the logger i have on her pc is programmed to send me emails every 6 hours...
this is an email she sent him this morning 2 hrs after i left...

hello How hare you ? Is it getting colddeerer every day in germany? It is starting to get cold here especialy at night. Waiting for snow will be a cold halloween for the kids this year. So have you made any plans for your trip to Canada? Have you decided where you would like to go? British Colunmbia is beautiful, alot to do a beautiful place to visit my brothrers live around Vancouver. So you must be lkeeping busy like always, I have not heard from you in a while. I am home all week with the kids. Dave(me) is goine on a buisiness trip until Friday.

Mom and sister are coming for a visit this weekend, will be nice to see them again. They do not come to my house often, maybe once a year. Hope all is well with you nd the family. Let me know what your holiday plans are, send a message on my phone or email. Take care.

Thinking of you,
hugs and kisses

i am vibrating. i feel like... cant describe it.
need to chat, all alone in hotel room.

Well, it wasn't too bad. Do you know why the OM hasn't been contacting her?

no

but ive got it stuck in my head that that doesnt matter anyway.

i suspect by the end of tommorrow i will have proof that he is contacting her..
and that they are planning to meet in canada.
if they arent already planning, they will be.

looks as though its in that "im thinking of visiting canada", and he is waiting for her to bite and say "lets meet up"

i am seriously going to lose control when i see that

well, i honestly beleive that by the time i am home i will have seen enough between my wife and OM to want to separate.

be honest people,
if/how would i ever be able to trust her again?
ive been to the point where i think is all good, removed keylogger for over a year, then here we are again.

i just cant fathom how i would ever trust that she isnt lying to me,
i wouldnt trust her if she leaves the house alone for more than a day, and she does this several times a year (although with kids)
what am i supposed to say?
ok honey, we can try again, and try to work through this,
but you cant have a computer, a cell phone, and you cant leave the house without me knowing where you are???

still vibrating.

I really sympathize with what you are going through. There is nothing like a knife in the heart like what you are experiencing right now. You are in the right place as there have been lots of us that have had to go through it, and it is ugly. So welcome and come here to vent as there are lots of good folks here that will help you through this tough time.

How much do you know about the behaviour of bipolar patients? I understand the bi polar is similar to personality disorders and one of the things is they will create a crisis if there isn't one. So if you have a high tolerance level then living with a bipolar can be real exciting. If not then it can drive you crazy.

Is your wife on medication or being treated for bipolar. A good friend of mine has a wife with bipolar and it is a constant battle. It is pretty good when the meds are working but if she ever goes off them look out.

Bipolars like to indulge in risky behaviour. And she certainly did. It was really hard on him but he has stayed with her as he has monitored her meds closely and things have been on an even keel for a while now.

Good Luck

Here is a portion of a post you may find useful - WW and Bipolar


Originally Posted By: Tabby1
Can bipolar disorder emerge later in life?
Yes, sometimes as late as mid 30's or even early 40's

Originally Posted By: Tabby1
Are there transient forms of it (i.e. you have it for a while and then it goes away)?
From what I have read, No.
Once symptomes of bipolar-II start manifesting, it will only get worse. Treatment can/will slow it down and reduce the symptoms, and sometimes controll it completly. But from what I have read someone in a manic phase almost never stays on there medication becouse they feal so good.

Without treatment BP-II will worsten to BP-I, then the real fun begins.

This is an interesting writeup on how one person describes a long term relationship with someone who is Bipolar.
http://forums.healthcentral.com/discussion/bipolar/forums/a/tpc/f/2651085/m/75710961

I'm not sugesting that any waywords necasaraly are Bipolar. I just see huge connections in the symptoms of an affair and the symptoms of Bypolor-II.

That post describes my life perfectly, almost too perfectly.
Now I am absolutely terrified because the reality is sinking in.

Im in a hotel room 500miles away from my family melting down, sobbing like a baby over the fact that even if I tried to get past this I couldn't. My wife is the BP and cant understand, and the only 2 people that coould help me are clouded by her acting and wont understand enough to help either.

there are new thoughts and fears entering my head tonight.
like what if we actually divorced, who would i have lefT?

i love her, but i wont survive much longer like this.

oh, and yes, she felt she was doing better and went off her meds a few months back.

i dont beleive the meds were ever working anyway as she racked up $15000 debt behind my back while medicated.

well, it took 3 days, but OM has responded to her email.
oh, and it took all of 12 minutes for my wife to respond back to him....

I dunno, but it looks to me as my wife is the pusher here, dropping hints etc... (excuse his message as it is translated from german to english)

not sure if i should be posting messages from email, but Id like some input...


My wife to OM................

Hello, how are you? Is it getting colder every day in Germany? It is starting to get cold here especially at night. Waiting for snow will be a cold Halloween for the kids this year. So have you made any plans for your trip to Canada? Have you decided where you would like to go? British Columbia is beautiful, a lot to do a beautiful place to visit. My brothers live around Vancouver. So you must be keeping busy like always, I have not heard from you in a while. I am home all week with the kids. Husband is gone on a business trip until Friday.

Mom and sister are coming for a visit this weekend, will be nice to see them again. They do not come to my house often, maybe once a year. Hope all is well with you and the family. Let me know what your holiday plans are, send a message on my phone or email. Take care.

Thinking of you,
W
hugs and kisses


His response....

Hello ----,

unfortunately, I am now once again in working at home. Accordingly, also suffers the very including vacation planning.
By all accounts, we want to USA. The first possibility is to New York, then the Niagara Falls in Canada, then down Orlando, Miami, etc., or the 2nd Facilities would be, Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Hawaii.
It is difficult in about 20 days to look so much. What would you look for?
We want at 08.11. starting from Germany.
But in any case I am looking forward to this holiday giants, wants out of this stupid everyday.

The family is with me easier, parents live a Etaj deeper. Children and my brother about 3 kilometers further.

Write again, I think of you.

I hit you very strongly, kiss



my wife to him......... (PS: She googled the driving distance from our house to Niagara instantly)

Hello I have never been to Niagara Falls but I hear it is beautiful, My first choice would be Las Vegas. Want to go so very badly. And New York would be very exciting. It would be hard to decide.

Nice for you to have your family so close, you must see them often. For me Niagara Falls is about 3200 km away. Would be quite a drive ha-ha. It is always nice to hear how you are doing. Seem to be very busy. i tried to text message you the other day.
Would be nice to talk to you on messenger one day, If we do not speak before your trip hope where ever you decide to go, you have a great time. Will be thinking of you and checking the emails.
Be sure to think of me where ever you are in the world on --/--/2008. As it is my birthday. Possibly one day i will celebrate my birthday in Las Vegas.

Hugs and kisses
W




anyways,
i think my wife may be trying to spark an opportunity to meet up with him.
although his email uses the word "we", so he isnt going on this vacation alone. maybe his kids?

at any rate, it appears to me as though my wife is trying to let him know repeatidly that she wishes these messages were more frequent, and she seems to be trying to open the door for them to meet, or am I reading to much?

You know, I really want my wife and I to be happy, and deeply in love with eachother forever. But with the bipolar, the lying about this guy and gambling, lack of empathy, lack of her trying things from this website, it takes all of my motivation and flushes it down the toilet.

Not to mention the fact that it makes going to work everyday hell, and comming home... well

I go home tommorrow,as I have been on business trip all week.
thing is, when I get home my wife will already be gone to pick up her mom who is visiting this weekend.

There needs to be consequences here for her actions. Your boundary needs to be NO CONTACT with OM. Wxplain how painful this is for you. Have you done a good plan A. If so and she continues to disrespect your boundary you may need to consider Plan B

i did 2 yrs ago when i caught her the first few times.

she justs says i am being stupid and have insecurities.

Snoop until you have more details about the OM and if there's any OMW involved. Once you've got any info about OMW, contact her and explain the situation, including information about the A and continued contact.

And plan for Plan B. Your WW clearly has little respect for you. Not surprising, considering how easily you let her off previously.

Does her mom know about the A? About the continued contact?

I'm bipolar type II. I found out after I had an affair and wrecked my marriage. I finally went to the Pdoc and said I believe I'm bipolar. And I truly was.

Could I help in anyway? Her meds sound like they were not working and at any rate if they were for a bit she still may have talked herself out of taking them- many people do. I have a dear friend who is also BPII and he said to me recently that sometimes he feels like he doesn't need meds. I said, "Yes, that is the disease talking"

I disagree that being BPD is the same as having a personality disorder. Meds can work when you are BPD but not when you have a personality disorder (according to therapists I've seen).

ANy history of abuse in her past? Does she self medicate (alcohol, drugs)?

i informed her mom and sister the very first time.
they both told her it needed to stop. Eventually her mom got to the point where she would just comfort her as my W would get very defensive and somehow make her mom feel sorry for her.

Sister was aware at first that she was in contact with OM from the vacation, but didnt know to what extent. After i exposed it her sister told her it had to stop.

after the 3rd time i remember seeing my wife tell her sister "he is still spying on me"...
her response - "can you blame him?"


however, from the first time of exposure, my wife hid it from everyone. i exposed it to her mom and sister 3 times.
if i expose this i dont see it helping as my wife will somehow make herself look like the victim, or downplay it and accuse me of again being insecure.
I recall her mother using the word "insecurites" to me before, so she is falling for my wifes BS.

and no, there is no OMW


Coacheswife;

yes im sure you could help in some way..

"Yes, that is the disease talking" would make her furious comming from my mouth.

no history of drug or alcohol abuse.

Coacheswife,
in your opinion, could her bipolar be teh underlying cause iof this behaviour?
is she looking for drama? She is clearly in a manic stage. Go go go, talking to friends and fam online any minute she gets, etc... cleaning, playing online slot meachines (free) as she has no money and cant go to the casino with me gone and noone to watch kids.

one thing ive noticed with keylogger...
she checks her bank account and credit cards online about 10-20 times a day.
she is getting super involved in party lite (selling candles) etc...

It sounds like mania to me but I'm not an expert by any means.

Do I think being bipolar could have caused her affair? That's a tricky question for me. I found out I was after my affair and my first marriage ending. In looking back I can definitely see signs of mania in my past and I do believe I was manic when I had the affair.

However I refuse to blame the bipolar totally for the affair. To me that would remove my guilt in the whole thing and I definitely still feel guilt over it. I knew right from wrong and knew what I was doing was wrong. I won't use it to skate my responsibility, but that's just me.

That being said I don't think I'm wildly BP. She may be and she could even be delusional- they can be sometimes- and they also act out sexually and with money- and she is doing both of those things.............

Does she see a good PDOC? If so would it be possible for you to go with her to her next visit??

Well, stupid insecure me would toss her rear to the curb. Tell her to walk to Niagra Falls!

well, its almost been 2 weeks since the last contact (oct 23rd)

OM simply has not responded to her latest email, although she still regulariliy checks to see if he is online every cpl hours (when im not home).

She still doesnt know I know.

Now I find myself waiting to "catch" her so I can bring it up.

/sigh

gambling continues, shes been to casino 3 straight nights.
unfortunately (i guess) she has won the last 3 nights.

she even woke me up at 1am when she got home last night to tell me about her winnings.

hear I thought i was being woke up for SF.

then she went to sleep, i was stuck awake for hours and ended up sleeping in late for work yay

kick her ace to the curb. I would wait until she lied about going somewhere (to go to NIagra) and interrupt this little meaning. but seeing as how it might never happen, i would go straight to plan D. NC means NC.

my experience in the past with this is that she will get hung up on the fact that I am "spying" on her and invading her privacy to find out this information.

I realize it's my right to know, but a confrontation isn't going anywhere if she thinks ive spied on her. She will use it to avoid the discussion.

I was thinking just that, somehow I will make it look like I "stumbled" upon it and found out, then confront her.

This wise to do?