I am a newcomer to the boards. Frankly, I am a little hesitant to post, but I really want to seek help.

I met my husband on eharmony a little over a year ago, we had a whirlwind courtship and married on December 23,2007. I admit that close to the wedding I started having some doubts about the quickness of getting married, but I went through with it. I loved my husband.

I struggle with Adult ADHD, which is most noticable in my struggles to organize and keep up with housework when I am extremely stressed and have a lot to do. The one thing that have have struggled with is anger. I get frustrated and anger seems to be the way I express myself. Both my parents have a bad temper and I grew up around people yelling and getting upset easily.

I put in this background information, because as the months progressed in our marriage, my husband stopped showing affection or much attention to me. Essentially my love bank was running on E most of the time....I continued to try to work through our marriage...but, he still continued to be distant. He played online video games as soon as he came home from work and I always was the one who initiated sex. He said he just didn't have much of a drive. My hubby was 22 at the time and a virgin. Another bit of the story is that he is in the Army and has struggled with being made fun of and picked on at work. He struggled to make Tape because of left over skin after losing 100 lbs to join the Army.

My husband deployed in June 2008. He was unable to get internet access in his room, but they do have an internet cafe and phone booths for the soldiers to use. I have received only a half dozen emails and a once weekly phone call from him since June. I continually asked and begged for more communication...emails...letters. The other Army wives I know heard from their husband more. I began to obsess and my empty love tank began to cave in. So on a whim, I posted a strictly platonic ad on craigslist. Of course, looking back, I was just asking for trouble. I only responded to a few and continued to talk to two guys. Both guys were very different. One was married himself and was just a friend. The other guy was more forceful, more flirty. I had put in the ad that I was happily married, that I just wanted male perspective and friendship. I let my guard down and succumbed to his advances. He pegged me from the beginning and I just ate it up. I had a one night stand. At first I didn't feel all that bad about it, because my husband seemed like he didn't care about me or our marriage that much anymore.

I confessed the one night stand to my husband and began trying to full disclosure with him. I haven't had any further contact with the OM. My hubby is hurt, but he says he hasn't made up his mind what he is going to do. I don't want a divorce. I don't want another man. I just want to repair and work on our marriage. I come from a divorced background and I don't want to just give up without trying to work through it.

Because my husband is deployed, it makes it even harder to talk about things. He barely communicated with me for the last 4 months, so now it is even worse. He has called, but there is mostly dead air and he just asks about the OM and really doesn't talk. I have sent him several emails telling him I want to work through our issues and want to get counseling and work through my problems that may have contributed to some of our problems.

I am worried that he will get totally secular advice from the other soldiers. Like, "Divorce the witch". Because they are the only influence he has right now and because it's been even 4 months since he has even seen or touched me, it will naturally be easy to listen to them.

One thing he did mention to me during a phone call after I confessed was that he escaped to video games because of my anger and nagging. I admit that at times I would yell, but overall my anger has been relatively mild and usually not directed at a person, just at the messy house or my piling up homework assignments. Still, I will validate his comment that my anger caused him to disengage and play video games.

I feel like I am in constant limbo...waiting for him to say "I want a divorce". I am growing depressed and losing hope that he will work through this with me.

Hi CG,

Sorry you are having to be here. It looks like you and your H need to get to know each other better.

Right now he is deployed and you are alone. Not a good combination. That led to a ONS and you confessed.

Now you are asking how to resolve and move forward?

Well though you started down the wrong path, you are making progress in that you see the need to work on things.

I recommend you work on you first.

You mentioned you have adult ADHD. Are you working with a doctor and/or counselor? Can this be diet controlled?

Here are some recommended books I have read (there are a few posters out there who like to make digs about what I post and question what I have read but these books have helped me).

His Needs/Her Needs This book by Harley is one that will help you learn HOW to communicate with your H. Guys are wired differently and women need to know HOW to communicate with them vs how we think we want them to communicate with us. This is a good book and when implemented properly helped our M improve.

SAA - Surviving an Affair. This one is for you to understand why you did it and how to help your H. (I read and implemented the information from this book also - again, there are a few posters here who like to bug people about what books they have read by making innuendos on other threads, just know I recommend these books because I have read and used them).

Expect him to have issues with the marriage, relationship, trust issues and you. He may even go through steps similar to grieving and you can read about those in the link in my sig line.

I recommend you read those books and then work on showing your H your personal improvements. Don't expect him to buy into the fact that you are serious. Time will tell and he needs you to earn his trust back.

Working on you is good for you anyways so this exercise will be beneficial to you individually and make you appealing to your H as a wife.

Get with a good MC. If you can, give Steve or Jennifer a call. They do phone counseling. You will be expected to read those books first.

There are other good books available and maybe others can make more recommendations.

All the best,
Orchid

Well I apologise Orchid. I did think it amusing you refused to answer Mel's question on a call out thread to you and even more amusing to see that you read it and instead decided to respond here on an unrelated thread.

**EDIT**

Please keep posts helpful to the poster and on topic.

**EDIT**
Edited by Fireproof (Today at 12:18 PM)
Edit Reason: TOS - personal attack
(1st paragraph removed by mod)

(Info below edited by Orchid @ 5:20 PM HST)

CG, Hope you are still reading. This post is now being edited by me (this evening), since it was brought to my attention (via Medc - rightly so) that my post was directed more to a BS than an Xws. So I am taking the time to clarify a few points and post a more clear explanation.

Still through the muck of it all you will find help. Good help. Please take a look at Dr Harley's books. Read them, get yourself a good support group, learn and implement plan A for your benefit and when ready you can learn and implement plan B. Dr. Harley explains both plans in his books.

You will find that some people will help you through your time of crisis and others will mock you. Some will enable the A and the WS. Others will deny the A / WS and make you feel stupid.

Remember you are here because you are trying to remove yourself as a Ws. Xws is a better description it seems. If so, this is a step forward.

That is why it is important you learn how to get back on your feet. Learn when to take responsibility for your actions and when NOT to take the guilt or the blame of the BS or anyone who may babble and put the blame in the wrong place.

WS' and OPs are bullies. The need to control and have power at all costs is a constant illness while one remains in the WS' state of mind (or lack thereof). Left unchecked, this is what you could have turned into.

From this point forward, your job should be to protect your family against the attacks of the WS mentality. This means you need to own up to your issues, identify, fix them and show by action you are repentant. Your H has lost trust in you and you have to earn that back. It is a hard road but not an impossible one.

Stand up for what is right even if you get yelled at, falsely accused, conspired against, bullied, coerced, etc. Expect even a hurt to do all that and possibly more. Just because you are the one that broke the marriage vows, taking abuse is not the way to fix a marraige. Learn how to legally and physically protect you and your family. Know what is verbal abuse and get your personal support group on board.

You will find your inner strength when your mind and heart sync up. In the meantime, pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Pray your H gets this also. When you both reach this stage, recovery is possible. Your H will need to vent and work out his issues. Can he be directed to a support person in his area? Usually there are officers who can provide support.

It is important you both work for what is good for your family. Set all pride aside. Understand he will show he is hurt. Don't argue where you know you are wrong. Admit, show remorse and provide a plan for improvement. It will take time to earn back his trust. He has to earn your respect as well. There is a lot to be done on both sides.

If you can, give Steve or Jennifer a call. They can help.

Take care,
Orchid

Hey Orchid...nice to see you posting again on this oasis for marriages.

I am certain that your experience will be of great help to many posters.

Hi Medc,

My posts seem to be limited in their help. My experience and input are constantly being questioned here. Still I try to reach out and help where I can. Silly me. I have a soft spot for newbies and those in need.

Take care,
Orchid

Well you're taking a lot of the right steps. In the end, it's your husband's call regarding whether he wants to remain married to you or not. With such a short courtship, less than a year married, no children, so much time apart, and infidelity, he may choose to divorce and not many people would blame him. BUT he hasn't filed yet, and he may not if he sees true heartfelt changes on your part.

You need to make some changes anyway, whether or not the two of you stay married.

Good job on coming clean and confessing all, by the way. You definitely did the right thing there. It was hard, I know, and I'm proud of you for making the effort and doing the difficult (but right) thing. Good job too on ending contact with the OM. That can be extremely difficult, especially with your husband overseas -- but it is imperative that you NEVER contact OM again for any reason.

How are you dealing with the ADHD?

Good job on recognizing that you have an anger problem, and that part of it has to do with your FOO (Family of Origin).

I admit that at times I would yell, but overall my anger has been relatively mild and usually not directed at a person, just at the messy house or my piling up homework assignments.
Get some anger management counseling, and send your husband emails letting him know how it's going.

You need the counseling because angry outbursts, even when they are "mild" or "not directed at a person" can be devastating to a relationship. When my husband gets angry at the dog, or when he is frustrated with a broken appliance, if he curses (at the dog, or the appliance, not at me), *I* wince and feel the negative feelings. He doesn't even have to raise his voice. If he does raise his voice, it's even worse. If he keeps it up very long at all, I leave the room. Your husband's withdrawal into computer games is not at all surprising, no matter how mild your outbursts or where they were directed.

The reason I say you should tell your husband in emails about the anger mgt. counseling is so that he knows you are sincere about making changes, so that he sees the ongoing effort and improvements, and so that he feels more in touch with you through your communications.

It doesn't matter whether or not he mails you. YOU mail HIM. Tell him about what was covered in the weekly session, about your assignments, and then how you felt doing the assignment. Make him a part of your life again, and show that it's a life that is changing for the better.

Because my husband is deployed, it makes it even harder to talk about things. He barely communicated with me for the last 4 months, so now it is even worse.
I disagree. It's quite difficult to engage someone in conversation when they are withdrawn, and all they do is sit on the sofa and grunt, or reach for the remote control. His deployment works to your advantage. You can send happy newsy emails as much as you like, and it does not matter that he's not responding. You don't have to face the immediate rejection of being ignored. Just tell yourself he's busy and he'll reply when he's ready. Mail him anyway. Write him letters. Send him little packages if you are allowed.

If my H were deployed, I'd be sending a care pkg every week, a couple of letters a week, and a couple of emails a day. I wouldn't expect much in return, because he's over there with who knows what kind of schedule and no telling what demands being made on him physically and emotionally. I'd consider it my job to be his cheerleader. Perhaps taking that attitude will help you get over the communication difficulty you're feeling.

Okay, in addition to the ADHD, anger management counseling, and email/letter/care packages, I think you should give your husband your passwords to your email accounts and offer to install a key logger on the PC and configure the software so the logs are sent to him. This will help ease his worries about what you're up to at home while he's over there powerless to do anything about this mess.

Also ensure he has access to a copy of cellphone records online - most providers offer this, so find out how to access yours and send him the info.

Ask him what else you can do to make him feel safe.
Apologize, repeatedly. Betrayed spouses NEED to hear heartfelt contrition from the wayward spouse.

My main concern in your situation is that you don't seem to grasp at all how destructive your angry behavior is. If you're not yet familiar with the concept of the Love Bank, please read about it. Then read about Love Busters (link in my signature). One little loss of your temper can undo LOTS of hard work. Those Love Busters are pure poison to a marriage.

Keep posting. You'll get slammed for your selfish behavior, and if some posters get too rough you can block them. Click their name, profile, then there's a way to block their posts so you don't have to listen to their anger.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Let's keep the focus on helping this poster. We don't want to have to lock this thread. Thank you.

I am sorry to put this so simply, but your husband would do well to divorce you. You are not a good risk for marriage and before he invests any more time in you, he would be better off cutting his losses.

It takes a special breed to post a "want ad" for a man while your husband is away at war. That shows a complete lack of class, morals and character. (hopefully you learn from this so that it does not define your entire life. It doesn't have to.)

If your husband divorces you, it would serve you well to get yourself in order so that you don't continually repeat this horrid, disgusting behavior.


Orchid, perhaps you need to look inside as to why you are being observed that way.

this post is confusing to me, this IS the WS here. It appears as though you are addressing this to a BS.

Well, did you get counseling?
What has counseling taught you?

Nevermind!!

courtgos, be well!

-ol' 2long

Medc,

You have brought an important issue to my attention. I went back and read my previous post. It has now been edited to refocus on how a repentant Xws can work towards recovery.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. This type of communication is beneficial.

I hope it will help CG. She is here looking for direction on how to save her M. It would be good if we can provide constructive support.

Thanks again.
Orchid

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