You can see most of my sitch by my signature line...but update with WH has been involved with OW#1 since the beginning of Aug.

I post on here once & awhile and was directed to the D train because of the serial cheating --- and I think I have finally realized that this is what I have to do - for me, for my DD. I don't even recognize my WH anymore - the OW has him firmly in her grips. The two of them are set to destroy 2 girls in this (OW has a child and is still married - OWH knows about the affair as we have been in contact)and they just don't care, as waywards don't of course. WH and I are supposed to be talking about the 'arrangements' tonight ie divorce, what bills to pay, what to tell DD. DD will be devastated - absolutely devastated...and WH typical foggy response 'this stuff happens and we'll all get through it'. Nice.

I guess I am posting just to get some advice on telling DD about the D...I have an appt with an attorney on Fri and am attempting to file this as uncontested. I know it's going to be awful telling her, but seeing if any other posters have had to do this and how they went about it. DD is aware of the A, so that's definitely not a secret...she is very close to WH though, he has been in her life since she was 3.

Thanks

Bumping for me...

Tell DD the truth. Hopefully Mel will chime in soon with her myriad of links to experts opinions on this. Basically, children instinctively blame themselves for divorce. It's not enough to say "it isn't your fault", they need to know why it's not their fault. Girls are especially vulnerable. If you don't want her to spend the rest of her life guilt-ridden with no self-esteem, you need to tell her the truth. Be kind with no DJ's, but truthful. Something like "Dad has a girlfriend so we can no longer stay married" and "it's ok to be angry with someone and love them at the same time."

When this happened to me, DS was 18. I told him over the phone (he was at college). He immediately burst into tears but then pulled himself together. He came home that weekend and we had a "family talk" with all 3 of us and then he spent time individually with myself and WS. Neither of us told him what to think (i.e. you should hate your dad for this) but he got the whole story - well, at least the whole story WS had admitted to. I also made sure that my in-laws would still be there for him (he was WS's stepson but had been part of their family since he was very small). He went to visit them for a weekend and felt better afterwards.

It took him about 3 or 4 months to really process things. Initially, he wanted to protect me - even volunteered to drop out of college to work and support me (I insisted that he stay in school). Then he went through a bit of a "wild" period where he would come home for the weekend, take my car and stay out all night. I believe he was drinking as well (he had turned 19 by this point). I kept a watch on his behavior but tried not to interfere too much, except if I thought he might be doing something dangerous (I made sure he didn't drink and drive). Basically, I could recongize that he needed to vent his frustrations, while at the same time he really wanted to be an adult and take care of me.

Your DD is a bit younger but she likely will want to be "adultish" in supporting you. You don't want to let them turn into the parent, but I think you also need to respect their efforts and show appreciation. You also have to reassure her that her life will continue to go on - she will go to the same school and on to college after that. She will still be in the same after school sports or clubes - whatever it is that she does and that both of you - dad and mom, still love her.

Oh Tabby, thank you....i was aching for a response. DD is WH's stepdaughter too, so I was happy to see your take on that type of situation. She is VERY close to WH's family, and i think/hope that they will be open enough to continue their relationships with her even if WH and I won't be together.

DD definitely knows about OW and we have spoken about that between us...and there is alot of anger there right now...she told me that OW was a bi#ch and selfish and only thinks of herself...I think DD is going to have a hard time of this because 6 years ago when OW was around, she attempted to befriend DD and DD remembers that...though i don't think there is any chance of that happening this time around, lol.

As a mother, that is what is the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around-- that WH and OW are so willing to rip these girls' lives apart. At least our DD had some semblance of a nuclear family growing up; the other girl is only 3 or 4 and now will grow up with a broken family. Ugh.

My WstbxH's OW has a young DD as well - who she ripped out of her home, moved her away from her father and in with WstbxH. I feel bad for that kid.

It's really good that your DD knows about the adultery. The tough thing with teenagers is that they *want* to be adults, but they just aren't ready yet. Somehow, you have to allow them some aspect of adult role-play without letting them go too far. Whoever figures that one out will be a billionaire.

I actually spoke to WstbxH's family directly and they contacted him. He now maintains contact with them without my interference. That is one way I can allow him to be an adult. In my case it may have been easier because DS was away at school and had to do a lot of adultish things anyway.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks again...I am sick about this whole thing but I somewhere in me I know this is my only option at this point. I don't think many people can come back from this extent of betrayal and I only hope the karma bus is not far behind for WH and OW.

MPELE,

May I offer you another piece of advice. To the extent that teenagers EVER examine cause and effect their thinking is very very linear. This may lead your daughter to thinking that all men are bad or cannot be trusted. It is worth pointing out to her that on the other side of this situation is a husband who is going to lose his child when OW leaves him and takes his child.

People such as your H and his OW are not rare but they are not NORMAL either. Most folks understand that ripping a family apart always has harmful effects on the children, even folks coming out of an affair. The fact that your H has actually had 3 affairs shows he is really not a normal person/male.

Give her a perspective that allows her to see and assess people as individuals knowing that some are very good, most are good, and some are very bad. She needs to learn how to determine which is which.

Just a thought. I would tell her the truth and make it clear you have done all you can do, you have given your H multiple chances and he has failed each one.

God Bless,

JL

JL thanks to you too...and that is one of my fears that you mentioned - that this will make her jaded about the men she meets in her teen years and into adulthood. She's an only child and very bright and perceptive so I would hope not; but i definitely want to talk to her so she really understands that this is NOT the way it is supposed to be in a marriage.

This will be a nightmare before it's over...but I am trying to look forward and be positive that I will get through this, my DD will get through this, and WH will end up miserable and alone someday. I wish I could tell him he is ruining his life and leaving the 2 best things that ever happened to him, but he's beyond foggy and beyond my help at this point.

When I am not feeling totally down, I am a bit comforted in an odd way by the fact that WH is choosing this particular OW - she had an affair with him when we had been married 3 months...then ended up marrying her second cousin and WH former friend (BTW she was not legally in this country), had a child with this husband, but now just so happened to slink back into my WH's life...and when?? She JUST got her US citizenship so is now legally in this country and presumably legally free to leave her H for mine...classy, huh?? This is the person WH is ripping his family apart for. I think the karma train is made out for this Jerry Springer situation...don't you?

MPELE,

Wish I was welcoming you back under better circumstances.

I took a peak at the divorcing board for a thread about telling the children about a divorce and couldn't find one.

I recall reading words by Dr. Harley, I think, that talked about children instinctively blaming themselves to some extent. Your dd needs to be reassured that there is absolutely nothing SHE could have done to change this situation.

Their minds go back to their actions and interactions with the leaving parent...back into fantasy...playing games with changes in the scenario (what THEY could have done) to effect a different outcome. This fantasy role playing is unhealthy for her (and you).

Your husband is an idiot.

Get yourself away from him asap...Plan B with the intent of beginning YOUR recovery. Teach your daughter healthy reponses to abuse and explain to her why you and your STBXH can't be "friends" ever. She likely has friends of divorced parents and if THEY are all cozy with the divorce, then that will be her anticipated unhealthy model.

Keep researching. Likely a ton of books out there. I know one of the best things you can do is LIFT up your standards and boundaries as you now have to compensate for your STBXH's shortcomings. You are the only stable, moral and ethical parent she's got left...you've got to demonstrate it as you eventually become a divorced single woman (no jumping into relationships, men sleeping over, inappropriate dating, etc). You've GOT TO model a HIGHER standard as well as demonstrating grace and strength during this difficult period. Women are tough...you (and her) WILL make it.

But I digress....God bless you and may He watch over you during this difficult period in your life.

Mr. Wondering