This is devastating for me going through it. I hesistated a long time before i decided to post here....

1) Little less than two weeks ago, my wife said she wanted to divorce me...it just devastated me. We both love our 5 year old son very very much. We have been married for 12 years. We argued a lot at times (once or twice a week) but i never thought I was driving her away from me over the number of years. All married couples argue, right ?

2) Anyway, the very next day, I thought she was hiding something from me and asked if she had an affair and she said yes. It was ongoing for over 1 year. It just killed me.

3) I immediately did lot of googling and convinced my wife (in a polite, respectful manner) for us to follow Plan A. She agreed to work with me on this even though she said she was not in love with me anymore.

4) She feels very guilty and shameful about the affair and I believe her (I know what you guys are thinking).

5) We have been talking almost every day and read lot of books in the last few days and we both think we have made good progress in the last several days in just communicating.

6) It took me over three days to just get proper sleep but i am almost back to normal routine now except I can still feel the pain and brings me down very quickly at times.

7) My wife is a very nice person (may be selfish as the affair proved) and that may be the reason why i did not share this with any of our friends or family members. I think they will take my side completely (without actually analysing the whole issue) and that wont help her situation at all. I am i wrong ? What is the need to bring in other family members, that we are both close with, into this ?

8) I am frustrated at times that even though i am the one who is betrayed and i am the one who is fighting for our marraige.

9) As a next step, I want to talk to her about her EN (i am printing the questionnaire from the website) and do what I can to meet her needs.

10) I find the books extremely helpful and even though we both are enrolled in counselling I am not quite sure how that is going to work out. I feel that our relationship is fairly unique (just like everbody else's right ?!) and it needs lot of patience (which i unfortunately dont have too much of) and care to work this through. That is one reason why i am hesistant to bring in other folks into this.

11) I have a question for folks, who went through something similar. Does the addiction from the affair wear off after some time ? How long does that take ? What else can i do to expedite that ?

12) I dont want to loose her but at the same time, reading up here and elsewhere, i realized that I should not sound/appear desparate. She may not like that. I also understand I have to take one day at a time but at some point I would like to see her postive response.

13) I like perspectives from both men and women. Help me understand my side and also what my wife is going through.

I truely appreciate everyone's attention and response on this. It means a lot to me knowing i am not talking to anyone else about this nightmare! Thank you..

First, you both have to committ to working on your Marraige (also known here as Recovery). Read His Needs, Her Needs, and Surving an Affair by Dr. Harley. Pay close attention to Love Busters (LBs) and the Love Bank (LB$).

You are no different than many of the BHs on this board. I thought the same thing, that we were soulamtes, that we were meant to be together, that we had "something special." maybe we did, maybe not. I have seen alot of others on here who thought the same thing (both male and female). I have seen situations not as bad as mine and some much worse.

At first you feel like no one could imagine what you are going through, but most everyone here can and has been through it. I am focused on Recovery (mostly for my kids) but as time passes, our M gets better. Some here are fully recovered, some are not. Only you can find your way (with help from here of course)!

First thing - some questions...

Has the affair ended? Who is this OM? Do you know him? Does his wife know about the affair?

How did she meet the OM? At work ? Old flame?


She will not return to the marriage or have feelings for you as long she is still seeing this OM. The affair has to be over and she must be transparent to that fact.

If you are not sure - you will have to snoop a bit more and gather intel for exposing the A. If she says its over - snoop to make sure - gaslighting increases on the first D-Day.


There is a withdrawl period after the end of affair which can last 1-4 mos. But tough to tell without some of the above questions answered.

thanks rwinger.

Yes it has ended. That was the Plan A we agreed on. I dont know him. He is divorced. Heard about him from my wife in the past. She met him at work. Yes she did cut off the link. She asked me if she could meet him as a friend as it is too hard to her to break it off completely. I told her to wait a week or so. But i have made up my mind and I will tell her it is now permanent and that she should not make any contact with him at all.

thanks HURTandSHOCKED. Yes I am doing that. As much as I hate saying this but this affair will be make me a better person. I feel I could have done some things very different to prevent this in first place...but that is all hindsight 20/20.

I have made some changes already and intent to carry on with those for as long as it takes. We both are very strong and if we put our heart and mind together we can do this. The issue is that at times I feel i am waging this battle alone and that brings me down.

1)What does OM mean ? Is there a list of all acronyms explained somehere ? Sorry if i didnt do my homework. I understand BS = Betrayed Spouse...some are easy to figure out but others not.

2) What is a D-day ? Sorry if that is a dumb question again.

OM=other man
OP=other person
OW=other woman
d-day - discovery day
BW=betrayed wife
BH=betrayed husband
WH=wayward husband
WW=wayward wife
FWH=former wayward wife....
FWW

You know that she needs to change jobs if they work together. There is many here who have witnessed a rekindling of an A and ended up divorce, because it was workplace affair and NC could not be maintained. Check out chrisner.

Does your WW exhibit independant behavior like going out on Fri nights with girlfriends ? How did the meetings happened under your nose? Indepedant behavior has to be eliminated - no place in a marriage- eh?

Total No Contact (NC) is first. Preferably (I think its necessary) a letter written by her with your approval along the lines that the A was selfish, she wants to remained married and she apologizes for hurting her family.

In short - she must show some committment to recovery before you can recover. She needs to be team player in the marriage in order for it to survive.

Plan A is for you and is usually a tool to break up an affair. However there are good lessons to be learned in HNHN. Eliminate all the Lovebusters / stop arguements. Recreational companionship like trips together (even camping) are good plan A opportunities. Get out and rekindle the feelings before marriage. If the A is over - she will get the feelings back.

By the way - this is a marathon (check the dates of the folks when they signed up) NOT a sprint.

they dont work at the same office anymore. They used to.


I dont know. I feel like an idiot. May be i trusted her too much. Yes i feel guilty for not catching this earlier. I asked her a question or two in the past when i saw something odd and she lied. She never lies and ofcourse in this case she did.


Yes she did the NC letter by my approval. She is not sure about marraige though.



Yes i know this is a marathon and I am not expecting miracles. I am not even sure about posting here. I dont even know if anyone can help me. But I guess when someone is going through something like this there are times when they start doubting everything they do.

Do they still work together? If so, then one needs to leave that job. If that doesn't happen, then you need to strongly consider exposure of the A at her office. However, DO NOT THREATEN TO EXPOSE IF SHE DOESN'T LEAVE. Threats of exposure should never be used like that.



Certainly not!

thanks ManInMotion. No they dont work together anymore. Let me clarify. The affair did not start when they were working together. It started after they both left the company they used to work for. After they left, they never worked together but worked for different companies and that's when the affair started. Ofcourse they knew each other by then.

OPTIN1,

Here's a quote from Dr. Harley's Q&A that is very pertinent to your sitch. Read it over very carefully and understand the concepts. There is no deviation from this.


Next What do you really know about OM? He is divorced, because, your WW told you this. Rule of thumb around here is if the WW's lips are moving, they are lying. It's your job to know everything there is to know about the enemy(OM), because you are in a battle to save your M.

Next And you KNOW this because?????????? Refer to above red flag no.1.......

Well if that's the case, what makes you think she really inteds to do so?
Waywards are very clever at taking things furthur underground to continue their A.

If your WW wrote a NC letter as you suggested, than you should have the complete name and address of OM, right? After all, you mailed that letter, correct? If you trusted your WW to do it, then the possibilty of it getting lost in the mail is very real.

Welcolm to MB optin 1, but you IMHO, have a long way to go before you realize just how devious a WW can be. It's called Gaslighting.

I do hope I'm wrong about all of the above, but you must come to realize you are dealing with a person(WW) who has demonstrated just how untrustworthy she can be. A year long A is a lot of gaslighting.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Not your fault....ur not an idiot - happens to the best of us. I am sure you had ample opportunities yourself but didnt choose to dishonour your vows. I asked this to determine if your WW exhibited any strange and independant behaviour. In my case - my wife stayed out late in the night and was drinking quite a bit. This no longer happens but those are some quick clues if something is happening.


Welocme to the roller coaster from he** . The first step is good - Still - make sure there is no contact. She maybe going through withdrawls and feels the M is hopeless - this is actually good for the moment. If one day (all of a sudden) she is beside her self happy - this could be an indication of Contact. Just a warning.

If the A is over - Need to continue Plan A - change the habits that annoyed your wife. Think of things that you did while you were courting her - dress nice, use some cologne, good hygiene and be positive. Do not be clingy and for now calm down the relationship talk. Be confident (even though your self esteem as been ripped to shreds) and portray an air that your life will be OK whatever happens. Women (or at least my wife) do not like wimpy men.

Shinethrough brought up some hge flags - very important to understand what he is saying.

Trust but verify.

You have been duped during the A and it may well be continuing. DDay 2 is no fun.

rwinger.thanks. First, yes i will make sure there is no contact. And I WILL change my habits. Actually i have started to already. lol. Yes my self esteem is indeed is ripped to shreds. Is it alright if i hold her in the bed ? Is that considered being wimpy ? Cant believe i am asking that question...

with all due respect, I dont think it is...If it is...then I will not hesitate to pull in friends and family members. It is going to be ugly - not just for me but for everyone. I am sure she understands that (or does she ?)

If she allows you to make those deposits - yes. She is your wife and you are her husband.

If it is to comfort you and she seems cold - then I would hold off for now.

Interesting question - Plan A is difficult. Especially if the A is ongoing.

Make sure you see and understand Shinethrough's post. He articulated my hesitation and fear better.


this is so true

It was an email. Chances of getting lost are fairly slim


Yes i understand and it is going to be painful but I am not giving up at the same time I expect both of us to follow RULES. One violation and it is over. (phew! i could not have said that a week ago and these posts are already helping me)


I think you are. But I will find out for sure right ? I know a year is a long A but then again, who said it was going to be easy.

Optin,
I hope I am wrong, but based on some of the things you are saying, I fear that you are going to be slapped with the reality stick.

You seem to want to desperately believe what your wife is telling you right now, and that is understandable. But it is not rational or objective. The general phrase around here is "Trust but verify".

How much has she told you about the affair? You need to be completely informed of how they conducted the affair. Was it through phone calls, emails, text messages, etc? You absolutely must put in place measures to monitor those mediums to ensure NC is taking place. Keylog your home computer without telling her. Put a voice activated recorder in her car or a cheap GPS device. I know you think your situation is different and unique, but if you read some other stories on here, you will find out just how untrue that is. Your wife is telling you things that nearly every other wayward wife says, especially those that have NOT ended their affair.

The line about her wanting to meet him in person is particularly worrisome, because it reveals that she still has a strong emotional connection to him. If you do not monitor her and help keep her accountable and in "no contact", she will almost assuredly relapse into talking to him. Then you are back at square one. You need to make it HARD for her to contact him. If she knows you are keeping tabs on her, she just might find the strength to not email/call/whatever him, because she knows you will find out.

You may not be able to have the necessary recovery talks and affair talks just yet without pushing her further away. You may just need to Plan A and rebuild her love for you for now. But please, for the sake of those of us who have been there, done that, and gotten the t-shirt, do NOT make the mistake of thinking she can be trusted at this point in time. Trust will come back over time, but if you simply grant it to her now, you will have no one but yourself to blame when your marriage implodes and crushes you.

Trust but verify. Be 007.

optin,

I do apologize if it appears that I'm somehow raining on your parade, but I've been here long enough to see a BS simply betrayed once again. I don't want to see you or any BS have to endure that again, but alas, I know it will.

Let's start with simple stuff, OK?

Dr H has aptley stated that in order for a secret second life to occur outside of your M in the form of an A, there had to be some form of constant communication. So how did your WW and her OM communicate under your nose?

Check cell phone records looking for that phone number that comes up multiple times per day, and text msgs that will boggle your mind in the number of times. One BS here found 1800 tm's in one month.

Secret email accounts on your computer that you knew nothing about? Use a keylogger to see if they still exist.

OM himself. What do you know about him? With a simple name and address( and you never answered if you knew it or not) you can start with a simple Google search and if insufficient, use a PI.
I think you have to find out if this OM is M'd or not and dismiss what your WW told you, and find out for sure.

This is just a start, but IMHO, you still have a lot of snooping and verifying to do before you determine if you are even ready to start R. As Rwinger says, nothing worse than Dday 2.

All Blessings,
Jerry