Well, at this point, I'm rooting for his wife. Maybe she can wake up and knock some sense into him.

Yes, cat, thanks for clarifying. I am rooting for his wife, too, both of them. Because a controlling situation isn't healthy for either person.

cat - I've mentioned to him before that perhaps his parents did not praise him enough and that it isn't his wife's job to make up for what he didn't get growing up. I didn't receive an answer about that.

Senator - your demeanor is different than anyone else I know. I'm really at a loss as to how to help your situation as well. It's almost militant or robotic. I can't quite grasp it, and I think it's because this goes deeper than your marriage and that the roots of it are possibly in your family of origin.

I'm not trying to offend you, but I think there may well be some unresolved issues from when you were growing up? We all have them, but sometimes I think when we find ourselves all grown up, married, and settled, those repressed feelings find their way to the surface. Could this be what is happening?

Senator - you insinuated earlier that you need praise on a daily basis, even just for getting through the daily grind. This may be an indicator of depression. It worries me. Are you depressed, perhaps?

Senator, I also find the way you express yourself different from what I'm used to. I wonder if there is a cultural difference that is impeding our understanding each other. Can you please tell us the country or ethnicity of your and your wife's origins?

And, are you an actual senator?

Soolee, I love to get Admiration every day. Who wouldn't LOL? I don't consider it an FOO issue to work thorugh, I consider it an asset, to be able to look at things with gratitude. When I started making gratitude lists, I picked up on it more, and found that my good friends, did say kind things to me and each other pretty much every time we get together. "I'm so glad to see you! I can't wait until we can get together like this again!" I like to spend time with folks like that, with an attitude of gratitude.

My grandma was like that, too, "Look how big you're getting! Susie, what a pretty blouse you bought for her, look how it brings out her eyes!" I'm very much like that with my H and kids. I like certain colors on them, because it brings out their eyes, and I like how helpful they all are, and how well we all work together. My kids say stuff like that a lot, too, thanks for helping me, thanks for thinking of that, I'm glad you remembered that before we left.

Wow, you really think that because your wife looks at life with you and decides its slightly better than the vision of herself divorced and alone, and a broken family for your daughter that means she's happy?

I will respectfully suggest that her life with you is not all she dreamed it could be if even occurs to her to weigh up the pros and cons of staying married to you.

Honestly, if my husband spoke about me the way you speak about your wife there'd be some serious issues. I can't believe how condescending you are about her, like she's some dog you provide with food and shelter and in return you expect her to perform tricks. Where is the respect for her? Are you talking to her outright and asking her what you do thats a LB for her? Are you asking her if you are meeting her needs emotionally? Do you even ever go to her and ask her advice? Do you show her you respect (actually respect her abilities as superior to yours in various areas) and admire her everyday if thats what you're expecting back?

Apparently the thought that you might have to EARN admiration, before you "DESERVE" it....is lacking?
Well said.

She actually may Love you, but LIKE you...that is another category. It's a funny thing, the continuum of Love...

What is so 'admirable' about making it through the daily grind? Every working slob does it. So what?

My H on the other hand...is worthy of Admiration and wants None for that which he considers to be a given.

Childish behaviour and tit for tat retaliation with your wife is not admirable...and you swept past those points. LOL...ignoring it doesn't make it "go away." Create whatever 'reality' you feel will suit your purpose...until the pawns stop playing their roles...and *poof*
1. Women the world over have been trying for that same position….so not much chance there for you.
2. On what basis precisely is that even remotely pertinent? What have YOU DONE….??? Thoughts are like *fluff* ….well you get the idea. ACTIONS…what do you DO….that might make a difference. Might not…but each has the right to determine for themselves what they feel is worthy of admiration.
This is what you think about your wife?
Are you talking FACT or FICTION..?
LOL…..
….*shivers*

….ring any bells?
OPPOSITION??? You mean you can’t stand that she thinks for herself….really…

1. So what if you DID? Turn it off.
2. She’s right about that.
This is almost funny…
….I just can’t go on…....really not.

ears_open said it most gracefully: Some people never "get it"

ears: I understand what you mean. I don't mean to discount or disparage him in any way. His needs are his needs, and he has a right to express them and expect some sort of acknowledgment. However, I still think he should consider what I said and just ask himself those questions, just in case it applies.

I could be way off base, but I think his need for admiration so frequently could be sending a message that he lacks confidence in himself, which could in turn be a turn off to his wife.

He could also try to set an example by demonstrating what sort of gratitude and admiration he's looking for by taking the first step and showing gratitude and admiration for her as well.

The problem with that is that he already thinks he's doing a perfect job of being her husband. I'm sure he thinks he gives her just the right amount of admiration.

I am consistently looking for ways to be more responsive to my wife, to give her happiness, and to feel loved by me. So perfection, in my husbanding, is a process of looking to change what I do for my wife, to be more effectively responsive.

Looking for ways to be more effective in providing for my wife, is fairly simple for me, because my wife is straightforward about letting me know everything she would like. Today she expressed a particular interest in my getting my stuff better organized in the basement.

Today I asked my wife for Admiration, over the phone, by saying something like, "I hope you have an increased feeling of love for me, and recognize that I took a significant step to getting my stuff organized in the basement."

She responded, somehting like, "OK, I will. I fixed your dinner."

Does your husband ever do any organizing of his stuff? Have you ever given him a WTG? Do you get pleasure from having reasons for disliking your husband?


..

"I hope you have an increased feeling of love for me, and recognize that I took a significant step to getting my stuff organized in the basement."

Senator: Do you really talk to her in this format, or are you paraphrasing? I think this is what seems off to me. If this is how you speak to her, it sounds very unemotional, very disconnected. Almost like you're business associates rather than husband and wife - or even friends.

I agree with Soolee. If you actually talk that way, she is NOT feeling any affection from YOU. She has to feel it before she can give it.

As for me, if you don't know my story, my H has papers in our kitchen cabinets, on the kitchen counters, under the bedroom dresser and tv cabinet, in several boxes along the wall in the bedroom, stuffed into at least 5 drawers (last time I counted), above the shelves in the closet, ALL over his office, and papers and enough other stuff in the 3-car garage that I have to climb over the lawnmower to get to the freezer. And he hasn't touched any of it for at least 4 years. I finally just moved our glasses away from the refrigerator to the other side of the kitchen, because he wouldn't quit putting papers in the glass cabinet. Just gave up and let him have that whole cabinet this summer. So far, two shelves are filled; the other one he can't reach without a stepstool.

I give him WTGs all the time. Last night I thanked him for taking us to the Renaissance Festival Sunday, even though he hates it (D18 had never been), and told him how much fun I had with him. Sunday I thanked him for helping me out at our community Fall Festival. When he cooks, I rave about his food (cos he's a great cook).

No, I don't get pleasure. I have dreams about having a regular husband who doesn't live in a fog of anger and hatred. But, unless he gets a new job that he actually likes and doesn't sabotage with his anger, unless we get out from under his $100,000 in debt, I doubt we'll ever see that.

The point is, he drains my love bank. But in his mind, he's a great husband, no matter what I tell him. Which sounds a lot like you.

I'm trying to get you to look at yourself and ask yourself if you do the same thing to your wife. If you do, you will never get the admiration you crave; at least not willingly.

Hi Senator,

You may have missed my questions in my post above. Many ppl are commenting on your phraseology. Here are the questions I asked:


Also, re. her response when you asked for admiration for organizing the basement: she said, "I will. I fixed your dinner." Do you think she meant that since she also did something for you (fixed your dinner) that what you did was just part of what you both do for each other and for the household? Did you praise her for fixing your dinner?

Though silence is not necessarily an admission, it is not a denial, either.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
....
Why SenatorH doesn't answer questions...
Convenient isn't it?
Prove me wrong...

Can I make a friendly suggestion? Instead of telling your wife how you think she should feel about something that you have done, how putting it something like this:

"Honey, I've started work on organizing my stuff in the basement. Have you had a chance to check it out? How does it look?"

What bothers me is that you seem to have a habit of telling your wife how she is supposed to feel about this and that. How that's working out for ya? Not so good, huh? Instructing her, or even asking her, to feel a certain way is about as stupid as my H telling me that my feelings are unjustified.

I'd also be interested to know exactly what you did with the stuff in the basement. Did you really take "significant" steps to organize it? How so? How much time did you devote to the task? Is it truly organized or did you just make the piles neater? Or did you just scrunch it into a smaller "footprint" to make room for more stuff?

people who live with packrats are sensitive to these things!

Thanks for sharing a WTG for your husband about attending a festival.

It may not be a priority for you to assist your husband with his faults, as related to the family, because your husband's problems may have a pay-off for you. The advantage of your huband's having faults, is that it may make things easier for you in competing for your teenage daughter's approval rating. Teenage daughters are naturally adept at playing parents against each other.

I offered a suggestion about how you could help your husband get better organized, but you did not seem interested. I offered a suggestion of a strategy to diminish angry comments from your husband, and you gave me minimal interest.

I hesitate to suggest a soution to your husband's problems on his job, because there is a counter-pay off for you.

This morning I was 4 minutes late waking my wife up by phoning her to go to work. I had failed to check her alarm setting before I left, as I was rushing to organize the basement, pushing my own time limit to leave for work. So I appollogized for my part in failing to get my wife up on time, by making an excuse that I had been trying to please her by organizing my stuff in the basement. My wife seemed to comprehend, and express appreciation, even in the face of my oversights. Kind of reverse-applied Admiration

I have on my desk a copy of Suzette Elgin's THE GENTLE ART OF VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE AT WORK. There is quite a bit of information about how fellow employees can bait you, seemingly innocently. So I suggest that book for you and your husband, in addressing the problems at his work, that carry over to the family. But as I say, it may be conter-productive to improve your husband's demeanor, in your competiton for Admiraton from your teenage daughter.





..

Quite the Spin Doctor aren't you?

Cognitive dissonance....
Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.

Somebody here is very much in denial of their own culpability.

Who? Me? Projection?

I'm wondering, because I think it might be relevant to how you phrase things:

Are you in or from North America? of European descent? Asian? Hispanic?

I saw you come back, Sen...didn't know what to say to you.

Do you really feel admiration when your wife repeats back to you the words you want her to?

Just curious. You may.


Is that her her statements? She feels awkward sharing her gratitude and recognition with you?

Do you praise yourself, btw?

Did you respond to her, "I will. I fixed dinner" with, "Hey, thank you for dinner. I love your cooking. Feels thoughtful and kind to me."?

I ask because I believe in what we crave most we are least giving.

Gratitude is deep admiration...it's intimate. Is the admiration you want in comparison to others (the general they or a specific person)?

LA