It took almost nine months, but the divorce finalized two months ago. I was forced to live with him the whole time because he refused to let me move out with our son, and according to my lawyer he wasn't doing anything overtly harmful enough to win me an emergency temporary custody order. When he brought drugs into the home and I found them, my son wasn't home. And when he slept with his mistress and I walked in on it, our son was asleep. Apparently these things were not technically "endangerment", so I lived under psychological torture, never knowing what I would walk into in my own home.
I posted on here about a year ago when I confessed I had had an affair, and my husband had confessed to one as well. What I later found out was that he was abusing cocaine, marijuana, and had had at least 7 affairs in 4 years (that he admitted to - and this included a man). I knew he was an alcoholic. I also discovered a large stash of cash he had been hiding for a year to ensure that if we did split, he wouldn't have to divide the asset. But what really made me decide this was unsalvageable was that he confessed to having sexual fantasies about my then barely pubescent 13 year old sister. I just couldn't do it.
We had an invasive parenting study done by a forensic psychologist. My ex was identified as "psychologically maladjusted" with a host of issues causing "serious interpersonal problems". I believe he is a narcissist and possible sociopath. He is quite wealthy but much of it he managed to gain while we were unmarried and living together (I got pregnant out of wedlock so I sacrificed everything to make a family, including my desire to get married, for years). Thus, long story short, his standard of living is unaffected but I am in dire financial straits. I am looking for a job, but since I stayed at home and didn't develop my career in order to completely support his, I am having some real trouble.
So, what is my question? How to get over all of this? I feel so much anger at him because to this day he is still trying to hurt me. The deliberate cruelty is unnerving. Last week when we were told my mother was dying, he flat out told me he would not be there for me emotionally in any way shape or form, nor would he offer me any additional financial help. An hour later he came to the hospital to leave flowers and a note to my mother thanking her for all her compassion and forgiveness - and saying he would honor her memory by finding another woman to bestow her gifts upon. It was disgusting. Thank the Lord, my mother miraculously has pulled through the worst of it, and I am SO grateful for that.
I still love the man I thought he was. I still feel fractured and not quite able to accept what he really is. He is not allowed unsupervised time with our son, and I have that report, so I know objectively I am not just a bitter ex. I just feel empty. Alone, hardly able to support us on my support from the ex, and meanwhile it seems many feel sorry for my ex, his family supports him completely and his life is pretty decent.
I never wanted divorce!! I am sad. I am having nightmares about him. Hoping I will wake up one day and it is all a bad dream. I am caught off guard by my feelings, since he was so cruel at the end and remains so, though he is now in AA after getting his 3rd DUI.
I feel as if I will never be okay. The thought of ever dating again terrifies me. Look at my judgment. And all I can think about is making the best life for my son.
How do I forgive? How to stop hating and let go? I don't want this negativity inside anymore.
