While there's a lot said about exposure of an affair and the application of pressure from outside sources...family, friends, etc. I'm curious what others think about this and if it has ever been tried. You can read some of my story in the "Welcome to my Nightmare" thread in Plan A/B for some background.

See, there are a couple of other elements I didn't mention there. My wife's affair has become part of a much larger self-destructive pattern that's coming quickly to a head. Not only am I contending with the ugliness of an emotional addiction to another man, she's abusing drugs and alcohol in the process. My formerly health-nut, yoga instructor, near-vegan wife, is now drinking daily, smoking cigarettes, and has admitted to multiple occasions of cocaine use with OP. In fact, one night a few weeks ago, she left out 5yo son, and two of our friends children (5&9) home alone with our 12 yo daughter all night while she was out f*$%ing OM and using cocaine while I was out of town. Clearly not cool. She says she's not doing coke now, but how do I know? She continues to meet w/OM. How do I know anything through this web of insidious lies? I don't. Just this weekend, she took our son to sell OP's buddy a bag of weed.

Someone...her sister, in fact. Suggested setting up an intervention- basically confronting her with a group of people with exposure. I've been skeptical of this approach, thinking "oh God, that would only piss her off even more", but that's kind of what we think about exposure in general. As I indicated in my other thread, I've already exposed to everyone and there have been multiple individual conversations- to no avail. Should I really consider this as a viable option? As nasty as the affair itself is, there's a whole toxic cocktail of other facets that's grinding my wife to rock bottom. I know I can't "save" her, but I have to exhaust all possibilities right? I can at least save myself and my kids and I'm tired of bearing this weight alone. This is surely a crisis of epic proportions! I'd love to know what the wise and experienced people of this community thinks~

The group intervention isn't a bad idea if everyone is on the same page. What would you all be willing to do though? If WW walks out is that it?

Personally, if my WS was bringing that garbage around my kids I'd arrange for him to be arrested for drug use and whatever charges could be brought up for endangering my children (around the drugs and leaving them in the care of a minor child.) At the very least make a police report if you can. Getting custody at that point would be easier. #1 - Protect your children.

I couple of considerations...

I would limit involvement to the people this is affecting the most- her mother, a good friend who's house we rent, and her boss and his wife (also both close friends) I talked to boss's wife the other night and she's pretty fed up, says she can't trust my wife to run their business any more (wife is their office manager). In fact, OM "showed up" at their house the other day while my wife was watching her kids!!! Needless to say she wasn't happy about that.

I did make a report to the police, but there isn't really anything they can do unless I find something or if they are caught in the act. It was duly noted for the record though.

I just realized you had another thread in the Plan A/B section. If drugs are involved then forget the family intervention and plan B, move and take the kids.

Throw her out on her ***edit*** and keep the kids at home.

Then call the police and tip them off that "as a concerned neighbor, you don't appreciate the illegal drug activity at (OM's address)".

Awaywithwords, did you mention the drug use to your attorney? If not, would that change the ability to get your WW out of the house and keep stepD with you?

You might want to cut and paste what you said in your other thread so everyone has a better idea of the details and understand the complete story.

Either way, I'd be on the phone with the police yesterday.

Me too.

I like that crazy thinking. Tip off the police.

awww,

You have a valuable window of opportunity ... DON'T screw around with this silly idea of intervention.

You have an unrepentent serial cheater on your hands that is actively rubbing your face in her betrayal. Experience shows that your chances of a successful R are basically NIL!!!

1st ... FORGET about the step-daughter ... she is NOT YOUR responsibility, BUT YOUR SON IS!!!

2nd ... use this time when your WW is away with SD to seperate your finances, find a new place to live, move there with your S and go straight to Plan D using your documentation to gain FULL custody of your S.

3rd ... just for your own self-respect, and as a form of Just Compensation that you can give yourself ... do as Krazy suggests and report the suspicious drug activity at OM's house to the police.

4th ... LEARN from this mistake and make a happy life together for you and your S, and let WW twist in the wind from her terrible choices.

I would insist on weekly at home drug testing. If she refuses, I would consider that as a sign of Guilt and an indication that she has not quit using.

Your first priority is to keep your children safe. If she will not leave then you should take the kids and leave.

I'd also not bother with the intervention.

Instead, I'd go to the lawyer, get temporary custody and move out with the kids. A lawyer would also know how best to act in the interest of your step daughter.

I'd also hire a PI to get hard evidence of your wife's addiction, and find a good lawyer that will fight for as much custody as you can get. Do you live in a 50-50 state? It may be that much harder. My husband is a recovering addict, and if I divorced him while he was still acting out, he'd still get equal parenting rights as myself.

Is your kid in counseling? That would be another step. And it would be good for you to join a 12 step group for support..

After all this with divorce papers in hand, if you are interested in salvaging your marriage (sorry, I haven't read all your posts), I'd give the ultimatum me or addiction. There's no doing things gently with addicts. You'll get your answer and can proceed from there.

ETA: What ever you do, you need to make sure you do it legally. Check and double check before you make your moves. You don't want to screw something up in this sort of situation.

Again, I did speak with the police and the drug use is noted, but an investigation or arrest won't happen unless there's proof and I have none. Still, I gave them his address, and vehicle tag numbers (in case a random stop might open a can of worms) But unless I have something physical, I can't do much but wait that part out. She doesn't bring anything home and claims to not be using. I doubt that, but have no proof.

While I sincerely appreciate the advice, I take serious issue with this-

"1st ... FORGET about the step-daughter ... she is NOT YOUR responsibility, BUT YOUR SON IS!!!"

While she is not my blood, she is MY daughter who I have raised and taught and loved as my own. We are bonded through this situation and there's no way in hell I'd abandon her!!!!! Her bio father is in the picture in a very limited sense, but we are close and I've communicated with him throughout this and have 100% of his support. I agree with a lot of what you said, but no way, now how will I walk away from SD....even if it means enduring the She needs me and to do so would be as low as what her mother is doing, in my estimation. So leaving my girl is out of the question....

Awaywithwords,

I meant for you to do this:

Contact the police anonymously. Maybe have someone else make the call for you. Preferably, from a pay phone near OM's home.

Pose as a "concerned neighbor".

Maybe you witnessed drugs being used, on OM's property, firsthand. Maybe it happens all the time. Maybe there are usually young children in the home while the drugs are being used. Get my drift?

The point is to give the police probable cause to search the home, and bust OM for the drugs he is likely in possession of.

In a custody battle, your wife having an intimate relationship with someone who was recently arrested for possession of cocaine should weigh heavily in your favor...especially if it is determined that your W should be tested, and she fails. That should nearly guarantee you full custody of at least your biological child.

By the way, don't tell anyone, especially your WW, that you are going to contact the authorites.

As a matter of fact, you should wait until you are fairly certain that he's with your W, and snorting his paycheck.

Report her to her employer. If she refuses to take a drug test they will fire her so what will be her excuse then if she nothing to hide? Have you searched her car or anywhere you think she could hide the drugs in your home?

You have some VERY messed up priorities my friend. You are in a situation where you could loose EVERYTHING OR you could maintain what is YOURS, and you need to understand the difference. You have no legal standing with your SD, so in REALITY (where I prefer to operate) she is a non-issue in this situation no matter how much you love her and wish it were different.

You obviously can risk everything and stay with your serial cheater WW, by swallowing your pride and giving up your manhood, for the benefit of attempting to protect your SD, but at what cost to your S???

Your S needs to see you as a strong leader of the family, who would never tolerate such disrespect and abuse, OR he will learn from your failings and will likely emulate your behavior in his own relationships as an adult.

If you have already made the decision to stay married at all costs, in order to protect your SD, then exactly what are you seeking here? There's no doubt that blended families provide some unique circumstances and difficulties in a divorce suit, and only those who keep a cool head and understand what they can influence and what they can't will be successful.

While your motivations may be noble, they are based on emotion rather than reality.

I don't agree with you on this. He SHOULD look out for his SD just as he's looking out for his S. To leave that child in this situation is crazy. If he leaves SD with her Mother knowing what the mother is doing and is capable of, then, IMO he's no better than his WW.

Just because he's not her biological father does that free him from any culpability here where the children are concerned?

You asked if you had to exhaust all possiblilities. No you don't.
MB stuff won't work on addicts. It's wasted energy.

What you do need to do is to get yourself and your kid some support and to stop enabling your wife. An intervention won't do anything. An intervention is hardly a consequence. Removing yourself and your children from the situation, is good, for starters.

Yes, I agree, but what does he do when one of the children he has no legal right to remove from the home?

As a lawyer (not a divorce lawyer) I think he HAS to document such drug use to such an extent that he can petition for sole custody of his child and together with the bio father, for jt custody (with the bio father) of the step child.

He'll need an attorney in his state to determine the best course of action. Step fathers...even ones that raised a child from infantcy, have no custody rights to step children in most states. Some states, I believe, may give limited visitation.

If can't go and leave the step child behind...perhaps good documentation will prompt the bio father to assist you with winning primary custody of the step daughter (through his legal rights to take custody).

Again...speak to your attorney...I'm just speculating here.

Mr. Wondering