I think you are a long way from worrying about that with an active affair and apathetic wife.

Altho we were at the same place, I'm (I believe) beyond that, no contact, motivated wife, in her own emotionally retarded way. I'm dealing with that question. Right now the answer is no, excuse me, NO!, but that could change.

Phil, I think you face a fork, and both options stink. Your W is cake-eating, and she'll continue to feed you with an eyedropper while she can have two men meeting her needs.

All the financial etc stuff is very real....but what price misery?

Besides, if it comes down to it, a bankruptcy in the wake of a divorce is not uncommon and not as permanent a mark.

Or at least tell her you are thinking that. She thinks she has you in financial handcuffs.

Hey, I'm writing all this tough guy stuff, but in many ways my situation was worse -- one liaison in my house !! But I know I feel at least better than I would because I took a hard stance and got at least some stuff my way, mostly importantly NC and the respect of my W, because she knew I would blow up the marriage if not.

C2,

Will you "blow up" the marriage when you change your name to C4, C4 is a military plastic explosive, C2 was a product that didn't make it during research and development.

NJ

Probably.

Hey, I'm in Nj too. Know where I can be some C4? Or a legbreaker?

Yes you're right, the A is still active. I heard her talking to her PA buddy, the new chair (ha-ha), and they were saying who was going to be at the forthcoming function on Friday. OM will not be there as he is going away with his GF to her parents. W then said (in a whisper) "Oh I'll ask him tomorrow when I talk to him" and then "I've got so much to tell you when I see you". So I'm 100% sure C is still ongoing. She must have a secret cell at work, that's the only way.

I've had enough, it's Plan B or D. Is it too late to expose? I'm psyching myself up again to talk to Ds about the sitch. I can either do it today with W there or tomorrow when she is at work. I won't lie but it's choosing the right words. I'll also have to sort out my own bank account etc. won't I?

Plan B or(D) advice needed!

Same advice since page 1....EXPOSE.

Phil, like you I resisted exposure but I agree that it is the best thing you can do right now. I get a sense that already your love for your wife is under a lot of strain so I think it's essential that you react quickly. Tell everyone as soon as possible, sit out the storm of her anger and then tell her that you are doing this because you love her and want her back in your M. Your girls are old enough to listen and understand especially if you tell them now while you love her enough to explain to them calmly that you are telling them in the best interests of the family and that you would dearly love her to come back to you and reestablish a new basis for the M.

Dude, it's been a year. You're killing yourself. I don't know how you survive this monitoring stuff. I saw one email and went batssst.

Heck, I'm killing myself and at least I know there is no contact now and W is all over me and remorseful.

If it were me, and, again, it was, I'd:

-- get on anti-deps

-- go to a lawyer and figure out the next steps -- AS IF YOU WERE POSITIVE AND GOING FORWARD. No whining about the ramifications.

-- sit down with her and say you are going forward with the D and TELL HER YOUR LAWYER'S NAME AND go over the legal stuff with her and the need to sit down with daughters immediately. No need to even negotiate NC, etc. Be RESOLUTE and strong like your mind is made up. SHE'LL be stunned and looking for terms. Then you can think about it, NC, moving, etc -- but don't negotiate right away. Come back here or talk to a Harley.

-- the above is what it took to get my W's attention. I was just crazy resolute. She said "What am I supposed to do, live in a trailer?" I looked at her and said, "Oh, sweetheart, I don't know how you could afford a trailer. Why not go ask the OM and his W for some financial help?""

And, guess what? You will never feel better than you will the moment after doing the above. You testicles will pop right back from where ever they went (and mine went). :-)

Mike, I'm on anti-deps now, have been for 3 weeks. Helps with the sleep but I'm not sure about anything else.

I was also looking thru some divorce law websites yesterday, doing a bit of research. I didn't clear my browsing history on purpose to see if W checked. And sure enough while I was at work I got a text from her asking why I had been looking at D sites. I just said that I was keeping my options open and doing some research. This threw her a bit and we traded texts over the sitch. I said all I want is the truth and she replied 'I love you' Ha-ha. See my next post...

So checking the DVR this morning while W is at work, bedroom one first.

19:00 (I'm at golf with Ds) Hear W talking to OM, having phone sex no less, wishing he was 'here' and 'on top of me like the other day'. She says 'ring me back I'm nearly out of credit'. That's funny, she has a contract phone??? She picks up and continues PS for another 15 mins.

I'm going to the gym now and my Love Bank is at ZERO. We will both be home about the same time. I really don't know how to handle this (again). I don't even want to talk to her and she leaves me a note saying 'she wants a cuddle' when she comes home after our D 'talk' last night.

You've done Plan A.
You've exposed.
You have concrete proof (don't tell her that you know, or you'll reveal your sources - she's GOOD at going underground with this stuff).

It is time for Plan B or D, whichever you prefer.

Was he at work? If so he was using work/school time to do this and his bosses might not like that. But make sure of your state laws on recording phone conversations. Most don't allow without consent.

Look enough is enough....she has been playing you and you now have caught her with ammunition. Use it. My impression is that she is just stringing you along until the youngest is out of school....then bang!!!

You could use it to keep her in line line and away from him...but do you want a spouse that you have to force to stay married to you??

End this now!!

Yes, I'm pretty sure he was at work but it would be my word against his. I could hear a faint voice from her cellphone but you wouldn't be able to tell it was him, but of course I know it was. I'm in London, UK so not sure about reccing conversations.


That wouldn't surprise me, would be another 3 years at least though.


No. I rang the D lawyer today whom I saw last Feb, but she is on holiday and will be back Monday. I've left their website in the browsing history so will see if that gets 'picked up' by W as well. Also phoned estate agent, he's a friend but he was out too and isn't back til Monday! I will ask his advice about making this place more saleable, then that can work both ways, should we stay or go.

Phil,

I'm sorry to hear this.

Don't waste your time with her denials anymore. My W tried to deny "we're just friends" (still says that) and I just said I KNOW ABOUT IT.

Take the convo beyond that. And stop torturing your self.

The lying is the worst. I just caught my W looking at condos secretly today. Fine, just tell me, I'll help you.

She can't stop lying.

Hey, Phil, anything new?

No, nothing new really. She caught me looking on this site the other day, luckily I wasn't logged in. I'm using a pseudonym anyway but she might just pick up on it, I hope not. I just said 'See, I don't just look up divorce sites, I'm trying to see how we can make our marriage better' and then pointed her to the Home page. We have SAA but she still hasn't made it past page 70 'though she tells me she's nearly finished it. Oh well, only had the book 6 months, I read it in 2 days, perhaps she's a slow reader!

The Ds have had school holidays this and I'm still dithering, should I tell them now or wait 'til they go back to school. I'm hopeless, I know. FIL is still not over death of his wife, he doesn't make it easy for himself though. I'm not sure how he'd take the news od his D having an A. All he keeps saying is 'You can't lose that house, you can't take the garden with you' This is because he's just spent £5K on our garden and work is very slow for me, so he's more worried about seeing his money go down the drain than where his GDs would live if we had to sell. Which is a possibility if we were to D anyway.

I'm trying to prioritise a list of 'needs' for us to stay together. It's looking like quite a long list so I don't know if I'm subconsciously making it that way so she can't meet them? But without them I don't think we have a chance of R.

Will have to go now and clear cookies and history etc. I am still reading alot of peoples threads, I should have acted quicker I know but I didn't know about MB at the time. Mgolfer's thread is particularly enthralling, if that's the right word. Looks like a textbook MB affair-buster.

Ok, since my last post on this thread, I've counselled with JH and started to re-try Plan A which has been v v difficult as the following will atest...

The usual stuff has been going on and about 3 weeks ago OM called W at home while I was at work. This is the first time I'd recorded it. W went on to say how much she'd enjoyed seeing him earlier that night and not to worry as her skirt 'was now in the wash'

A week later W went to a work meal and I went to a party at my gym. I was feeling 'Why not?'. We traded a few texts during the evening and I foolishly sent one that said me and a friend were 'coming home with lots of girls'! This was a wind-up and not true but after all the cr@p she has put me through, I needed to release some pressure and let her see how it feels. Total LB I know, but my Love Bank is seriously low.

I got home about 45 mins after W and went to open door. She had bolted it! I saw the bedroom light was on (kids were on a sleep over) and rang. The answerphone kicked in and I left a message saying that I knew she was still up and to come and unbolt the door. 10 mins nothing... I rang again and said if door was not opened I would catch a cab to either her dad's, or my BIL/SIL, which is where kids were staying. So off I went and caught a cab to BIL, he knows the sit and asked why I'd been locked out. I didn't know why?? Anyway, I left my phone on 'til 2am and nothing from W. I slept the night on my BIL's sofa in the same house my kids were staying at.

More to follow...

I hope everyone's Christmas went as well as can be expected I'll try and keep this as brief as possible...

So to continue, the following morning my SIL came into to see me and said W had been texting her asking where I am. SIL asked her why she had locked me out and she had replied "It was anaciident. I fell asleep and when I woke up he(me) wasn't here.." I said that was rubbish and SIL agreed. When I switched my phone on, loads of texts came in. Ranging from missed calls at 2.45am from W to texts saying she was 'sorry and missed me' and after her texting to my SIL was one that said 'You have involved the kids now. You could have gone to dads but you're just using the girls and being manipulative. You're using my family'

To cut a long story short, we talked that morning along with BIL and SIL to try and resolve our sitch. I said that as long as she has contact with OM then there isn't a chance for us. She continued to lie about contact even when SIL said she knew of the 'skirt' incident which W had explained to her on the night as 'Someone at work spilt milk down me' before even being asked why there were stains on her skirt! I said I knew about 'other' phone which she obviously denied. I said I wasn't happy and that I would get through Christmas and new year then contact lawyer to get further advice.

Youngest D asked why W had locked me out and I said 'I don't know?'. She then asked if we we're going to get divorced to which I replied 'I'll be honest with you, it's a possibility' She then went off crying to SIL (this is before W had turned up). I went to console her and said that I would ALWAYS be there for her and her sister whatever happened. Older D didn't want to know what was going on. Later that week my niece(14) asked her Mum (my SIL) what was going on between me and my W. She said that 'WW was being dishonest', niece said 'Is she having an A?', SIL replied 'Yes'.

3 days later my FIL found out about sit and went mad, 'Why wasn't I told' etc. He then refused to speak to my W and 'disowned' her, he couldn't believe she would be like that. Now virtually the whole family know about it but she is using it as 'Poor me, my dad won't talk to me' and when she speaks to her Aunts the topic isn't Why he won't talk to her, but that he's the one who needs help! I know he does, but that's bereavement counselling he needs, to get over death of his wife. He is very unstable and has threatened suicide because he can't get over it and will not consult a doctor for ADs, even as a temporary measure. Instead he has turned to alcohol (was quite a big drinker anyway, but now even more so).

So here we are, kids are on school hols 'til next week, W back at work. No sign of 'other' phone even though I've asked for it. I said I would get it checked to make sure it is 'the' one. She won't give it up (if she has one ) until I give up my DVR!!!

I NEED proof of innocence. She refuses to take a lie detector test because I don't believe a word she says when it comes to OM. I want the truth, I deserve the truth.

Also over the past couple of weeks, my brother has split with his fiancee. They'd been together 10 years, she says no-one else is involved, but clues seem to be there when you know what to look for. Anyway, he is now living about an hour away and says I can stay with him if I need to. This might be good for a Plan B, but now I'm not sure if that would work. I can't take my Ds with me, they would have to stay here in family home with W.

As always your thoughts are much appreciated..

Glad you have finally exposed. Now perhaps something can be done. You should expose to your daughters as well. They have a right to know why their family is at risk of being destroyed.

As for leaving the house - DON'T!!! Make her leave. Though your daughters are old enough to have a say in who they live with, an hour away is a little unrealistic for getting to and from school unless they change schools which they probably won't want to do. It will also be problematic if they are involved in any after school activities or sports.

I don't know Tabby. I'm back to where I started this thread. I don't want to move out, why should I? but I can't see her leaving the house. Her dad won't be very open to her moving in with him and she won't leave Ds either. This doesn't seem to have affected her at all. They are on speaking terms now (W and her F) but only short conversations, he is very hurt.

I'm sure contact is ongoing with OM. I'm not recording so much, very infrequent, and this has taken alot of pressure off me. It's like a weight has been lifetd off my shoulders. The only way I can see some way forward is if she comes clean about the phone and everything else.

Are you going to expose anywhere else?

Make sure your money is not financing the A.