It's been 2 months since I found out about WH's affair. Since then, he says he's stopped contact with OW. However, he changed all the passwords to our cell phone accounts and to his laptop, so now I no longer have any way of checking on him. He says he changed them because he doesn't feel it's "healthy for me to be fixated on knowing what he's doing." He still works in the same building as OW. After Nov. 18, he will be across the street in a security/pass card entry building.

At no point has he ever apologized for the A. He still has feelings for OW (says he can't just "turn off the switch"). He also swears that he wants me to stay and work things out with our marriage, but in 2 months he has done nothing, even tho he says "I'm doing everything I can to fix things". What that's supposed to mean is way beyond me! When I ask him what he is waiting for, his excuse is that he can't do anything while I am so "emotionally unstable." He talks out of both sides of his mouth. One day, I asked him why he didn't call me at all and he said because he couldn't take my "drama" while he was at work. Then the next day, he called me at work and apologized for not calling me the day before! Monday pm I try to get him to talk openly about his feelings and about us, he throws up the wall and says he doesn't want to get into another "argument." I do not yell, raise my voice, etc. I'm only asking him questions and trying to draw him out. Then Tuesday pm, he comes home with flowers. WTF??

What is going on in this man's mind? Who is he? This is not the man I married and have known for the last 18 years. I am living in [censored]! To make matters worse, I've been laid off my job and now have no means of support if I leave him.

I love him but I am convinced of these things: that he has no more love for me and just wants me to stay so he doesn't have to go through separation and split have his crap with me and have to try and sell the house.

I can't go on like this and it is taking a toll on our 9 yr old son. I won't compete with her. I can't because I'll never measure up to her. She's his perfect soul mate right now and I'm just an inconvenient housemaid/nanny.

I feel like I'd rather die than go on like this...

dragonflygal

Dragon,

""he changed all the passwords to our cell phone accounts and to his laptop,""

When a wayward wants to commit to the M the WW GIVES all passwords, allows ALL access to all accounts.

Your WH is SOOO still in the A up to his hairline!

""He talks out of both sides of his mouth.""

Because he is having his cake and eating it too. He is sitting on the fence and HAS to talk out of both sides of his mouth, one for each side of the fence.

""while I am so "emotionally unstable."

CLASSIC GASLIGHTING!!

Where the WW tries to convince the betrayed person that he/she is having a mental breakdown.

He is no where near stopping the A, playing you along and still meeting her at work.

Time for you to break it up, by EXPOSING to all near and dear to him and the OW. IF she is married, expose to the husband. Expose to HR at work. If he is her superior or visa-versa this would be terrible news to management and should put a quick stop to it.

Do not stand for his treatment of you. You can plan A but with the carrot and the STICK. Read up on Plan A and fight.

""I can't because I'll never measure up to her. She's his perfect soul mate right now and I'm just an inconvenient housemaid/nanny.""

Thanks for that, I almost puked right on my keyboard!

YOU MUST STOP THIS PITY PARTY!! GROW A BACKBONE AND DEMAND THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE!!

You have got to stop this STINKIN THINKIN!!

IMHO

kirk

df, the problem here is that he is still having his affair. As long as he still sees her at work, you can consider the affair as ongoing. He will never withdraw as long as he continues to see her.

He changed his passwords so you wouldn't catch him. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. He has something to hide or he would want to prove his innocence to you.

My suggestion would be to explain to him that this will not work unless he ends all contact with OW [by leaving the job or whatever] and opens up his life to you. If he won't do that, and do it fairly quickly, then you will know he is not serious about recovery. In that case, you will need to separate in order to avoid the severe emotional repurcussions of his abuse. Women have nervous breakdowns from living too long like this. If you do separate, he would have to continue to support you. You would want to get a legal separation agreement to protect yourself.

Have you exposed his affair? Is this OW married? Have you exposed it to their employer?

DFG,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders.

Sorry you have to be here.


The first thing you need to do is read up on Plan A. Your husband sounds like he might still be in contact with the OW, so you need to begin to make yourself look good, feel good, smell good, and generally BE GOOD - and begin meeting the emotional needs that your husband has.

Look at this website and read up on emotional needs. If your husband won't take the questionnaire, then take it for him and figure out what his ENs are, and start doing what it takes to meet his top three. You can do this work without his buy-in, and he needn't even be aware you are doing it. Plan A your butt off, girl.

Next, you need to start finding ways to pop in on him at work. Drop by just before his lunchtime, with food for him. Tell him you found a great little place for lunch and ask him to go there with you. Pack a little picnic and show up to go to the park to eat together. But BE LOOKING GREAT WHEN YOU SHOW UP, DRESSED SHARP AND READY TO KNOCK HIM OUT WITH NICE HAIR, MAKE-UP, AND A SASSY SMILE. Don't you dare show up with gloom or relationship talk on your mind. You are there to make this man smile, and for everyone else to think "what a great lady".

Think of ways that you can drop in at the job - things that need to be signed, things he forgot at home, things you need him to see, or things you just want to give him, like little gifts and love notes. Just show your face around there. That way, if the OW is hanging out, the two of them will reduce that behavior right away because they will not know if you will be coming in or not. And no, don't let him know you are on the way. And ALWAYS BE HAPPY AND SMILING AND CHARMING. No matter what.

Plan A means you will also reduce your relationship talk. Don't corner him about things. If he is acting stupid, walk away. You can state simply what you are thinking, but don't love bust. Look up love-busting on this website, too.

And spy. You need to get some spying done, to figure out what is happening with the OW and how much he is contacting her.

and one more thing, that you need to do right away, and you won't like this at all.............


EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR.

You see, right now, he thinks it will be just fine for him to tell you to forget about it, he stopped, it's over, and that you need to just move on.

He is wrong. The fact is that he is still working with her, and he still has his little fantasy. If you expose the affair to his family and yours, and to your friends, his fantasy life with her goes

POOF.

He then stands in the light of day and has to look at what he has done in the reality of it all. That this doesn't get swept under the rug, and that he HAS to change his behavior. That he cannot expect you to "get over it" in a month or two, and that he has some serious changing to do.


And that the marriage has some serious debriefing needed.


The only way that can happen is for him to talk to you, and you to talk to him.

He needs to understand that.

Order "Surviving the Affair" and "After the Affair". Tell him that you want to read at least one of these books - TOGETHER. And that you want him to write a letter to the other woman that states he will have no contact with her for the rest of his life.

And that these terms are not negotiable.


Read this website. Read, read, read.


Your marriage can be saved, it can be better, and there are good plans available here.

But you need to get the basics in place. Read Plan A, start in with it. Order the books. And get your husband working in YOUR direction, using the plan.

SB

Requirements for Recovery

What does exposing it to HR prove? The work situation is that he is a cop and bodyguard to the mayor of the city. She works in the same building (city hall) in the comptroller's office. If I call employee relations, are they really gonna care? I just don't see what that will do. It seems like no one will care that a love affair is going on between two employees. Am I wrong? If you guys totally disagree with me, please let me know. Also, how do I go about talking to ER without sounding like a spurned crazy woman? How do I get taken seriously?

BTW, she is now separated from her husband. She was still married to him when the whole A started tho.

Sorry, krusht, you're absolutely right about me needing to get a spine. But this SOB cop husband of mine has been walking all over me for many years. I allowed it. And now I clearly see that he is gaslighting.

p.s. hope you were able to get all the bits out of your keyboard! ;-)

Call her husband. You might find that he is very interested to know why his marriage failed. He also might have information for you - you might just find out that this affair has been going on longer than you thought, or maybe other information that you might just want to know.

Affair partners LIE. So you cannot trust what your husband has told you! And affair partners LIE TO EACH OTHER. So what she told your husband might not be true - even if what he told you about what she said is true!!!!

So expose the affair to her husband.

Exposing it the HR department causes trouble for them at work, because it makes people at work make THEM uncomfortable, if nothing else. It also brings the affair into the light of day. Affairs thrive in the dark - that is what makes the sex and interplay between the affair partners so interesting and exciting. It is secret, so it is more exciting, more special, more "theirs". When it is exposed, it is no longer so "cool", is it? Now, they stand being judged by others, and they are not so cool at all. People look down at them, and they are not so comfortable with that at all. Plus, it probably is an HR violation, and they will have to be in a very difficult position of having to explain their behavior - of getting CLOSE DURING WORKING HOURS ON THE JOB WHILE BEING PAID TO WORKKKKK - to their bosses. After all, we do not pay these people to flirt, we pay them to protect the mayor and our money!

Exposure also puts the affairees into the position of having to talk about the relationship and the "future" in REAL TERMS. See, this affair has been a little fantasy, no real stuff so far. With daylight shining on it, the world looks in and says, "Hey, so, here's this (vomit) soulmate....and so....what's the deal? Is this a person you would really marry or something? Take a GOOD look, stupid, because let's face it...that isn't such a great catch. You are screwing up a pretty good marriage, and this was just supposed to be fun, or something, and now, it's a big mess..........wasn't supposed to be like this. Didn't somewhere along the line - didn't we say 'no strings' or something? Yeah? Real life? With HER? No, wait? Child support? Alimony? Divorce? Crap???? I no wait I need to think...."


And that is the exposure game.

And we haven't begun to bring in your mom and his mom and the dads and brothers and sisters and friends yet.

Because this stuff is serious when the MOMS get to crying.

Call everyone in your family, and his family, right now. You don't even need to talk to HR today or tomorrow. Just call his family, and ask them for their support for your marriage. Don't call to tattle. Call and tell them that he is having an affair, and that you need them to help support your marriage. That you love him, that you need their support to help him break free of the other woman, and that you want their support for your MARRIAGE. That you need them to encourage him toward counseling and working on rebuilding the marriage.

Don't say a single negative thing about him, or the OW. Only say the positive things you know of him, and talk of future great marriage that you know you will have with the plans you have found here.

That you need family support.

Do not tell them anything about calling work. Expose to the family now, and then you can consider HR later. For now, at least take the step of exposure to your family and his.

This WILL WORK.

dragonflygal,

What does exposing it to HR prove? The work situation is that he is a cop and bodyguard to the mayor of the city. She works in the same building (city hall) in the comptroller's office. If I call employee relations, are they really gonna care? I just don't see what that will do. It seems like no one will care that a love affair is going on between two employees. Am I wrong?

The Daily Intelligencer Paper of Record

"Sources in City Hall have confirmed that a Senior Law Enforcement Officer, Member of the Mayor's Senior Staff and personal bodyguard to the Mayor and a female employee working in the Office of the Comptroller have been having an affair for nearly xxyears. While co-workers have apparently known of the affair for some time, it was only revealed publically after a concerned staff member suggested that Government and City Resources including time, equipment and money may have been used to facillitate the liasons and that many of these may have been conducted on public property."

"The Mayor's staff had no public comment to questions today but confirmed that an investigation was underway, particularly since the female co-worker works in the Office of the Comptroller where city financing and contracting business are conducted. Officer Dragonfly has been put on temporary leave as has the female emplyee pending results of the investigation that have members of the Mayoral Staff scrambling to uncover details as to why it was never uncovered that the Mayor's bodyguard was distracted from his duties, and making efforts to determine if, and how much, City resources were used to facillitate the relationship."


Yeah, I think they're probably gonna care...

SWW,

""Officer Dragonfly has been put on temporary leave as has the female emplyee pending results of the investigation""

OMG, that is AWESOME!!

kirk

More info available in another thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153481&Number=2141358#Post2141358

D-day July 2008
One child, 9 y.o.

Dragonflygal, why didn't you expose on the 13th when you were told by tons of people that you needed to? You were told to expose to HR then, too. You really need to do this!

Do you know about Plan A?
What have you been doing to implement Plan A?

The Daily Intelligencer Paper of Record cont.


" The female employee, Ms. Imaskank, refused to answer questions as she departed City Hall this morning under suspension but did take time to deny that she had any responsibility for settling travel claims and expenses or additional pay, overtime or otherwise, for Officer Dragonfly. Sources however did say anonymously, that Ms. Imaskank did work in the same department that handles pay, allowances and reimbursement for travel expenses associated with the Mayor's travel retinue, but could not confirm if Ms. Imaskank approved Officer Dragonfly's requests."

"The Mayor, the Honorable Mr. Covuhmybutt, who ran on a platform of reforming City Government, eliminating corruption and weeding out corrupt city officials, was clearly concerned with the revelations. Particularly those that potentially involve the misuse of taxpayer funds for nefarious purposes."

"In a prepared statement the Mayor said, "I am concerned that this type of activity was apparently occuring on City Property and potentially involves the misuse of taxpayer funds. A full investigation is underway, and I sincerely hope that Mrs. Dragonfly, a devoted stay at home mother of a sweet 9 yr old son, who just lost her job, has followed the MB principles of snooping and retaining evidence that will be beneficial to those conducting the investigation. I commend her for her valiant attempt at a very good Plan A, encourage her to continue to expose, and to prepare for what may be a very lengthy and uncomfortable Plan B.""

"The Mayor refused to comment further citing..."


GO DRAGONFLYGIRL!!

Are you kidding?? You have them by the NADS! Send a formal certified letter to the Director of Human Resources and cc both of their supervisors. [the cc is so that no one gives into the temptation to deep six the letter] I have a template on my home computer I will post.

While they will likely do something about the affair, at the very least just exposing it there will make it very hard to carry on at work. It may even cause one of them to quit.


Have you talked to him? You need to be in touch with him.

LAUNCH THE NUKE, GIRLFRIEND!!