I know I can not make decisions or even judgment based on the way I feel because my feeling are all over.

But right now, the love is gone.

H moved out. I asked him to eliminate the secrets and give me access to his account or leave, well, he left. I am getting used to being alone. I changed the locks today. It triggered a mountain of emotions.

But the main one is a pain, I don't feel any love towards my h, I don't feel any hate either. Indifference, how bad is that?
I remember how i used to feel, the beautiful love, the admiration and pride I had on my life through my marriage. The fun, lots of fun. I remember how physically attracted i felt towards him. I remember all the mischief we did together, the friendship.

But now, It seems to me he has hurt me so much that I can not love him anymore. i have no one to love. It it saddens me deeply.
I know it is a useless feeling, but I want my life back. The damn illusion i was living, i want it, I need it.

it is so depressing. I am supposed to get in touch with what I need and what I want. Well! that is what i want.

As much as I try I am currently unable to stop feeling victimized. I have been abused and robbed. robbed of attention, money and time that was mine.

I know it will get better, but this reality suck. What is left from my 14 year relationship with my h? What have I done with my life? I'd prefer if I still feel something and it would be a matter of working through the trauma and working to rebuild. But if I don't feel anything, what is the point? I just don't think he has love to offer anymore. Not to me at least. If i wanted to, how would I fall in love again with this man?

What happened to the love, how did it die?

Hello TLN,

I'm replying to this because I wanted to say that I know how you feel. From your post, I don't believe that your love is gone, but it has taken a severe knock. Your H is not so very different from many others who have done what he has done but that doesn't mean that it's over. The addict in his brain has taken over from the logical/normal part of his brain but there's a good chance that he will see sense sooner or later. I don't know your circumstances but this is a good place to be and the best thing you can do is focus on developing a plan for getting your life back. People here are great and will help you to form one. And for your own sake working to a plan helps to preserve your mental health.

Big hugs and best wishes

I think that in time you will see that your feelings on this will come and go. I am no expert, but I was in this same place a few weeks ago. I thought I didn't love my W any longer. I was actually very happy to not be depressed. To not miss her. To not have her in my mind all day. It was like I woke up one morning and the love was gone. However, a few weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night and I realized that she was not there. Then I missed her. All the pain and emotion came back. I am pretty sure that the love will come and go - like your body is using it's own defense mechanism to help you cope with this agonizing time.

The love is not gone it has just been buried temporarily. Whether you un-bury it or not is a decision you will eventually need to make.


How long has this been going on?

Because of my husband's addiction, I had no loving feelings for him for 3 out of our 6 years of marriage.

I was a fortunate partner. My husband knew he had a problem from a young age and had long wanted to stop. So when I gave him his choice of porn or me, he chose me.

I can't imagine going through what you are, knowing that your partner doesn't want to get help, preferring to remain addicted over everything else.

It's hard to understand/remember it's the addiction talking and acting, rather than the person.

If your husband does get it together, you can get the love back. It takes lots of time, but it is possible.

It is indeed true, my mind is all over, rollercoaster is an understatement. I guess our minds protect themselves from the intensity of our emotions my exposing itself just a little every time. some sadness dealt with here, some anger resolved over there. but I am in 20 different emotional places in less than 4 hours. not fun.

I am not sure I feel love, but since at times I hope we end up together, there must be something.

Just for the records, he is getting help, he is going to one therapist, I am going to another one.

We tried to have a couple session, but, while I behaved nicely, I suffered too much, I am not ready.

There must be something because why, if not, I am afraid the separation will become permanent?

He has been doing porn for years, more than 10. 1 affair 2006, one affair 2008. (that I know of) This is the first time I even consider divorce, first time we separate.

I found that we weren't ready for couples therapy until he was about 18 months sober. We were both far enough along in our recovery that we could start to learn to communicate like adults.

My husband's addiction never escalated to being with another person. However, he was acting out for nearly 20 years.

The rollercoaster feelings will get better as you move through your recovery.