I guess it has been almost a month since the last contact between WW and OM. She told me that she told him that we were going to work things out and she was going to do the right thing and put her heart into this marriage and making it work. Evidently, it didn't go so well because he tried to email her at work around a week later. She immediately called me and told me on that Thursday. Well, my emotions went back around 10 years and almost lost my cool. My hands started shaking and I was ready to walk to my truck and drive to his place of work. She told me that the best thing for her to do is not respond and he would get the hint. Well, that must have worked due to her saying that there had been no more attempts. Well, it didn't sit well with me and I called him and let him know how little he was to hit on a vulnerable married woman after she had talked aloud about our problems and if I heard of one more attempt of contact that I would make that drive. He apologized and stated how wrong he had been and rest assured that he would stop. I haven't heard of anything again. I know that he still wants to persue her due to me knowing his name and place of residence (looking at his myspace page). He puts little sayings on there about regret and songs on there that makes him think of their connection. But, my wife has reassured me that she is all in with me and this marriage and just how much the Marriage Enrichment Seminar helped her take hold of what she knew all along. Additionally, she looked different when she laid her head on my chest and cried and said that she was sorry for hurting me and that she would never hurt me this way again. I have always been a person that has had problems with trust and she knows this. For the first time, I am seeing her making an effort to put my mind at ease with her actions and all around manner of carrying herself around the house. No longer does she try to avoid communication and quality time. We still don't have the time that I would like due to a busy schedule right now with family and other. But, our time should pick up soon with her Thanksgiving, her Bday and Christmas around the corner.

Top Three Emotional Needs (from my opinion and discussions):
- Full Communication - sometimes i have a problem with relaying all information and think of things as a given...
- Give more to fulfill her essence - care for things as she cares for them to let her know that i am putting her interest to the front of my mind...
- Be more of the spirital leader at home - i was never in the church as she was and she has been more of the spirital leader from the beginning of the marriage...it is time that i assume this role as i have become more involved in church and need to do this for my family.

And I feel that the contact has stopped due to her sincerity with me regarding wanting to be all into this relationship...she has told me about his attempts, i have seen the OM myspace page where he reflects disgust with the void of replies, my wife's friends have talked to me and told me that they want to help with this situation and be a support for her at work when she needs it, she has totally changed her character around the house with actions toward me and there are many others...but, don't get me wrong, it will a while before the trust is fully there...i have been praying to God for this and forgetting...but, this is going to take time...and I will probably talk to her in the morning and let her know that I have to ask questions from time to time to help me through this...I think she will have no problem with this...But, I trust in God...he will be there for us...

OK this is pretty much waffle.

Have you read the Infidelity FAQ's here on MB?
Have you and your wife filled out the EN Questionaire?
Have you read any of Dr Harleys books?

See what you have listed as EN's are just like motherhood statements that really mean nothing.

Why not look at this like Dr Harley does and properly identify both of your EN's and then come up with a solid plan to meet them?

That will ensure you not only recover from the affair but that you both fall in love with each other and adultery never influences your marriage again. Are you up for that?

ok...i see what you are saying about the waffle answer...so, i will take the needs straight from the listing on the questionnaire...her top three would have to be domestic support, conversation and honesty/openness...the only reason that i would say the honesty and openness is due to what i have stated previously about not giving all information in a discussion...it is just that i have got into the habit of leaving out unimportant things to me (but, are not to her)...

i have read through alot of the info on this site...and i have read through some of the infidelity material as well...i really think it will help with the EN Questionnaire...i have printed this off and will have this filled out tonight...hopefully go over it with her this weekend when we have time to really sit down and discuss...i haven't read any of Harley's material prior to looking into this site...i am probably going to be a regular here in trying to make my marriage work...and yes, i am up for just about anything.

...well, we filled out the EN Questionnaire last night and things didn't go all that well...we did exchange them and look over what the other had stated as being top needs...my wife's top three needs are as follows:

-admiration - appreciation, respect and valued
-conversation - tied with HandO
-honesty and openness - tied with Conv.
-domestic support

i have really drilled these in my attempts to work through our problems and she is seeing this...but, i guess it is just going to take time...all the while i pray to God that he gives me the strength to trust her and have patients...i have trouble with both of these...

but, the reasoning behind me stating that it didn't go all that well is due to how it ended...we were discussing the different 'need' sections and she became confused about what she was suppose to look at if it is the 'now' or the 'past'...i told her that this is just to reflect where your needs lie and to what level i am currently meeting and satisfying them...i think she still feels as though i am putting on some front or something...i don't know...after i went in to tell her goodnight tell her that i love her, i told her i understood everything about how she is feeling and how i knew that some days were going to be harder than others...but, in the end it all comes back to the question if this marriage is still what she wants...she quickly stated 'yes'...so, i told her that everything would be ok and it will be more awesome than she could ever imagine...what took me back was when i got home, she had placed a card of inspiration in my bathroom stating exactly that...that she wanted this marriage to work more than anything and was praying for God to help her through this, as well as praying for him to help me as well...and it stated some poetic biblical words of inspiration regarding 'all things are possible with God'...so, you could see why i was blindsided by the aggrivation that she had balled up while going through this conversation dealing with the ENQ...

after i spoke with her, i went downstairs to check on the computer for some fantasy football league things and noticed that she had visited myspace.com on the history...i wasn't really snooping around...that is just how i get to my league's page by where i have went in the past...i asked her about it and she stated that she had went to see what i was talking about with that other guy placing things on his myspace page about her and songs that were placed on their regarding crushes and what not...so, i didn't get too upset...because, i do believe her about her intentions...but, with him stating things along the lines of 'people regret many things in their lives...and i will be one of them', it probably stuck in her mind and made her backslide a couple of steps that we have taken forward...but, i am not in denial with this...because i feel that she is being honest with me now and knows that she wants this marriage to work...i just have to trust in the Lord to take care of this...

after she went to bed, i emailed her work address because i was going to leave early in the morning and wouldn't see her...i told her that i know that we get excited from time to time about advancements that we make in our marriage...but, i can not do that anymore...i will take the steps we make in stride and try not to get to overly excited about it...because these steps backwards are tearing me apart...it seems that the last two things that i got excited about with major steps in the right direction, the day didn't end without the rug getting pulled from underneath me...so, i am going to maintain a healthy attitude...but, just not expect too much too soon...

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING AND THE WILL TO GO ON!!! IN YOUR PRECIOUS AND HOLY NAME I PRAY...AMEN!!!

She should NOT be looking at his MySpace page. That just keeps the fantasy of the affair going on. I suggest you ask her to refrain from looking at it, or block it in some way.

Also, part of the MB program is spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without any kids. Are you doing that?

yeah, she knows that and she stated that she wasn't getting on there to do anything more than just see what i was talking about from what i explained earlier...and i didn't read to much into it...at first i was upset...but, after we discussed it and she stated her case, i settled down a little...but, she knows...even last night on our weekly date, we started talking about things regarding this other guy and she stated that she had to distance herself from anything dealing with him...i told her that was the smartest thing that she has said in a long time...

as far as 15 hours together without kids, that is next to impossible...we try to do our devotionals at night and talk a little while our son is in bed...this is usually around 7-8 hours a week...but, the rest of the week is consumed with work, church and being together as a family...now ocassionally, we let our son spend the night with her parents and that gives us the 15 hours and more in a week...but, we have tried to get that once a month...we haven't followed that as much as we should...

during our date last night, we discussed how we were feeling about things at current time...she told me that she knew what she had to do and the right thing to do...but, if she were to get up and walk out of the restaurant and end it, it wouldn't bother her too much...honestly, i don't think that this is true...i think that a couple days without the family together, the phone would be ringing...and i am not saying that in some cocky manner...i have left before and told that she had a decision to make whether she wanted me in her life...during those times, she made calls within the first 24 hours to see how i was doing and that she wanted me home...so, i think that these times show her that she does love me and need me...but, it takes things of this magnitude to open her eyes...she asked how i felt about the situation...i told her that my stomach was in constant churning mode and that it was consumed with stress, worry and disgust...i told her that this has to be the worst feeling i had ever experienced...she asked me how bad...i told her that if someone would have told me that she had died instead of her telling me that she had an affair, i could have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and knew that i could have handled it...but, with the affair, i pray for God to help handle it and that is the only hope i have because i can't see it on my own...but, i told her that i knew things would be better and glad that i didn't receive the first...because then there would be no chance of working things out with death...but, i know that i am hurting more with this than if death would have happened...but, God will intervene and make this better than ever...

Mike,
You are not quite getting just how dangerous a visit to his myspace page is, regardless of how innocent her intentions were. People justify things to themselves in any number of different ways. My wife told me she slept with her first affair partner when she went to a hotel with him "in order to talk". Your wife telling you she went just to see what he had written on his myspace page is a thin justification for her real intention. She wanted to see if he was pining for her. Bam, instant fantasy fuel. Its that simple. The justification allowed her to lie to herself so that she wouldn't have to admit that is what she was doing.

Any contact with the OM, even looking at his myspace page, resurrects feelings about the affair. She has not completed withdrawal, so right now there are a lot of "good" feelings to be resurrected. I would print out all the material about withdrawal that you can find and coax your wife into reading it. She needs to understand that NC doesn't only mean no talking. This goes for you as well. Affair talks are fine and necessary, but you informing her of what he is putting on his myspace page is counterproductive to your purpose.

Also, you should probably keylog your computer so you can she what she is doing even if she learns how to delete specific items from your browser history. You can also just block myspace from your computer all together if you want.

Mike,

There are some wonderful articles on this website and here is one:

Why Women Leave Men
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html


If you see youself in this article change your behavior immediately.

CN

Going to OM's myspace is breaking NC.

WW will not go through withdrawal for OM by breaking NC.

Thanks Andrew for the advice...I think that I did pose a counterproductive scenario when I told her that I had contacted him and that I had went to his myspace page...that probably put that thought in her head and ate at her until she seen it...and while it may have been an innocent visit to the site, I can see what you are saying about hindering the withdrawal...

Andrew, can you fill me in on how to 'keylog' the computer to see the deleted items from history? also, how can i block a specific website?

to add a little from the 'why women leave men' article...i read this and in the past i am guilty of a couple of these things...since my knowledge of the problem and the critical area that we are at, i have done a complete 180 and living my life the way that i should...being the husband that i should have all along...she is seeing that...but, i fear that she just doesn't trust that i will continue after she opens up completely to me...i believe that i will just have to have patients...i pray to God all the time that he will bless me with the patients to go through this until the 'better' days...

It wasn't an innocent visit to his myspace page. I can almost guarantee you that she went there because she still has feelings for OM and she wanted to see if he was pining for her as strongly as she is for him. Making excuses for her and saying it was innocent is what we call "The BS Fog". You need to become an astute student of human nature and behavior.


Keylogging software is installed on a computer and runs clandestinely, intercepting every keystroke. When you install it, you set a password that you know won't be randomly typed, and then when you type in that password (at any screen or just the desktop even), the program intercepts that knows to open the main console. Then you can review all of the logs of what has been viewed on your computer. Many programs will even take screenshots at every mouse click and "return" key. Literally, you can flip through a slide show of everything your wife did and saw on your computer, regardless of whether or not she deleted it afterwards. It also gives you a window into "intention" as well. For instance, when my wife was reading the emails sent to her from OM #1, I could see what words she highlighted and focused on, so I could even make a good guess as to her emotions while reading it.

With OM #2, she set up a secret email account and became an expert of deleting all traces of her activity. She couldn't fool the keylogger, and I had access to every email, sent and received, even though she had deleted them hours or days earlier. I used the All-In-One keylogger from www.relytec.com, but there are many good ones. Spector Pro is another popular one.

As for blocking myspace, it depends on how your network is set up. Do you just have a cable modem or DSL plugged into your computer? Is it run through a wired/wireless router? Every router has a control console that can be used to block domains. You just need to find out what type you have and figure out the local IP address. We could help you with that on this forum, Im sure.

All of this is not meant to turn you into a pessimist that suspects his wife at every turn. Its just meant to protect you in the short term and help keep her honest during withdrawal. This kind of spying is detrimental to both you and her if kept you for a long period of time.

thanks, i will check that keylogger out...

i have a cable modem...is there some file where all sites that are visited are placed? i think if she would look at anything, she would only delete it on the internet history...just wondering...thanks...

Mike,

Consistency over time is how your wife will know that you have changed. And it is the same way you will know that she is committed to NC with the OP.

Don't trust what your wife tells you right now, she hasn't earned your trust yet.

CN

If you are using Internet Explorer, you can go to Tools -> Internet Options -> Security.

You can "Edit Sites" for Restricted Sites and add www.myspace.com. It may or may not work. If you want to block myspace, just give your isp a call and have them walk you through it. Parental Controls are a big thing now.

You could try this: Open "c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc\hosts." in a text editor and add "127.0.0.1 www.myspace.com". Unless your PC is configured to use a proxy server (most likely not for a home PC), it should route any requests to open that site to 127.0.0.1...


(Aargh - the board's replaced the info with a hotlink. It should be "127.0.0.1 ()www.().myspace.()com()" (remove the () brackets))

Thanks Andrew and MIM...got it figured out...

Well, i discussed the 'no contact' guidelines with my wife today and it went pretty good...i guess it upset her somewhat though...she told me that she knows that she can't contact him in anyway...because if she did, it would be like going back to square one and the feelings would rush back to some degree...so, she was conveying what the replies have been saying...she said that it is hard...i just had to ask...dumby me...'WHY IS IT SO HARD?'...yep, i asked...so, i deserved to get what she said...she told me that it is the same as if i wasn't allowed to talk to her...well, this went over like a fart in pantyhose...i shut down because i knew that i would blow up...she told me that she felt for him the way i felt for her...and i just locked up and didn't say too much more (all on phone from work)...well, i started my drive home and i got a phone call...she asked if i wanted to go to store with her and my son...i was quite a bit away and said not really and that i would see them at the house...she told me that she had to say something to me about our previous discussion...i let her finish...she told me that she was wrong and that it was not as much as what i feel for her (said that she isn't IN love with him as i am with her still after all these years)...but, it probably would have led to that if it wouldn't have been discovered...well, i didn't know whether this should make me feel better or not...but, then she answered that one for me...NOT...she said that she wants to be in love and that me stomping and trampling her needs for so long has killed this with us...well, i know that we can regain those feeling with time...but, i don't know if our hearts can last for that length of time...i just pray that they do...all things are possible with God!!!

oh yeah, have some interesting things that went on when i got home...well, i wasn't sure if i even wanted to be here when they got back...i turned on the TV and was going to do my P90X workout and guess who and what was on the TV...Kirk Cameron talking about the Fireproof movie...i just sat down...needless to say, the workout did not happen...then when we went into our devotionals prior to prayer and bed...guess what the topic was...yep...FAITHFULNESS...if He isn't working in our relationship, then i don't know what...God is good!!!