We just celebrated our 11th anniversary.

At this point, I love my husband very much but feet like his roommate rather than his spouse. I feel as though he has been pushing me away for many many years. He is critical/negative/nagging about most everything I do. I think I have issues about this also because my mother was the same way (she primarily raised me & my sister unless she was married at the time).
Throughout any given day he "instructs" me on things continually. "Turn the fan on when you take a shower," Eat the fruit before it rots," Are you hungry again."
These comments by themselves don't mean much, but daily over the course of a decade, they have a huge negative effect on me.

Add this on top of the fact that I work, usually full-time (part-time presently) and have always been responsible for EVERYTHING in the household--laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, bills, checkbooks, maintenance, you name it, it is my responsibility. He basically works. He has had the same job for 11 years.
At times, when we needed more money I was the one to take on a second job. It just goes on....

He is a decent person, basically treats me well, no physical abuse or "real" verbal abuse, just the constant nagging. I don't feel he meets my emotional needs. I asked him to do the questionnaire 6 years ago & he refused. I asked him again recently & he told me it was stupid.

We fight all the time about everything. There is never and end to the conflict. No resolution.

We have the same argument time after time about him helping more and not be so critical of me. He feels that I hurt his feelings when I tell him these things & he disagrees with what I say.

We are complete opposites and we never end this conflict.

He works overnight and this makes me feel even more distant to him. We don't spend time together. Finances have added more strain. I feel like his roommate. it sucks to have a "roommate" who wants to tell you what to do & I feel trapped because I see no way to end the conflict.

Any help??

As strange as it sounds, the way to get your M back is for YOU to start treating him better. You need to start looking like the great catch you are, by being so wonderful to him that he'd be desperate if you were to leave. It gives you a position of power from which to negotiate for what you need - later.

For now, you have to stop all your Love Busting. For a couple weeks. Then start meeting his Emotional Needs. If he won't fill out the questionnaires, you'll have to guestimate. Some people do it from trial and error. For instance, you know that not turning on the fan when you take a shower is a LB for him. Stop doing it.

Doing things for him, even when you're mad at him or tired of him, often will make you look at him all new again, allow you to see the guy you fell in love with; it did with me.

Another thing that may happen - it did to me - is that, as you start being an outstanding catch, he should start responding by reciprocating.

If you keep this up, all the little self-protections he has and uses will start dropping, as will yours.

I completely see what you are saying. I tried to be that way for all these years and I have come a point where I think I am sick of trying. I haven't seen any changes in all these years.

I see that I do things for him, but maybe they are not the things he needs. I feel like I am beating myself up, working so hard to make things work. He seems more passive and as long as things are ok on his end he is happy. He really has nothing major to complain about me or our relationship, i have asked. He sees no reason to work on anything. And I am over here going "hello! I am miserable."

I am trying to understand all the MB concepts along with other resources. I pray for him for two reasons -- for him because I should & to soften my own heart toward him.

It feels hopeless at times.