I wont go into the whole story since most is on my prior posts. But my WH came home ready to make our marriage work on Oct 12. He told OW that he did not want any contact from her ever in anyway and to leave him alone he was not leaving his family and he wanted peace in his life and he couldnt have that with her in his life at all. She didnt take it well and continued to call and leave messages crying and texting from numerous numbers (I blocked hers) Since this incident we have agreed to make the affair water under the bridge and just focus on making each other happy again. Things have been going well. The affection has slowly come back day by day, he is opening up to me and talking, he is planning on joining me at church on Sunday.It has really felt like things are on the right track this time. He promised me that he would never disapoint me again. Well I hadnt looked at the phone log since he came back cause I didnt want to obsess with it all the time, I needed to just let go and try to start trusting. Something told me to look at it yesterday so I did. I saw that on Tues, OW called him while he was at work. The call was only 1 min, but the thing is he promised me he wouldnt answer her calls at all so she would know he was serious and she would just move on and leave us alone. About an hour after her call he texted me telling me how much he appreciates me and that he loves me (he doesnt say that much, so he knows it means alot to me when he does) I didnt say anything last night when he got home from work, mainly to see if he would come clean and tell me that she called him and he answered. But he didnt. I wasnt going to bring it up for fear of a fight but its eating me up inside. I want to call her or email her and just tell her to leave us alone and some other choice words. But since he had asked me before not to contact her I have held back, he told me before it was over with us if I contacted her or replied to her email to me. SO what do I do???? Do I talk to him tonight about why he answered the call and why he broke his promise and how we are going to get away from her. Or do I not say anything and act like I dont know and see if it continues? Do I contact OW even though what the consequences could be with WH and what do I say to her. This all is killing me....As soon as I start to let go of all the pain and feel comfortable in my marriage, she comes back to slap me in the face again and I have to go back to the beginning. Someone please give me some advice.

Hello what?



Think here. He did something wrong. And YOU are the one afraid of a fight?

He kept a call from you.

Which means he doesn't "get it."

Which also means the only way for him to "get it" is to enforce YOUR boundries.

What are your boundries?

If he expects you to trust him "just because" he is "trying" to be good now, he's full of ca-ca from the gate.

You cannot jump into "healing" until enough time has passed that you FEEL you don't have to check on him anymore.

Obviously, YOU are not there yet...and imo, it's insane of him to expect you to trust him right now.

BTW: Yes, the OW is wrong for contacting. She is being a STOW twit...but YOU KNOW SHE IS GOING TO BE THIS PERSON.

The issue here is HIM.

The reason I say I am afraid of a fight is because I am trying to continue with plan A and no blow ups and unfortunately his personality is such that when confronted with something wrong when he doesnt want to be confronted with it will react in an argumentative way and he will step backwards and close up. That is why I say I am afraid of a fight. Trust me my boundaries are no contact with the little scank what so ever. I can only monitor the phone. I dont have access to email (which he says he canceled) or his work email, only his cell phone log and his home email which she doesnt have the home email address. I talked to one of my friends about this call and she said it was only a minute maybe he told her not to call him again and that was it. But he promised he wouldnt answer her calls anymore no matter what. Everytime he has answered the calls in the past, it all starts the cycle of constant contact again. she is the type that shows up at his work and I have no way of finding out about that either. I just want to trust him again and for her to be gone for ever. I could block her home number too but then she will call from another number and I wont know if its her or not so I dont want to block that one. I am actually thinking of unblocking the cell number to see if she will try to call from that one again. Knowing her she has already changed her cell number anyway. So I guess you are saying I should bring it up tonight and confront him about the call???? and not wait and see if it continues. Is that right?

Lost,

"" he told me before it was over with us if I contacted her or replied to her email to me.""

Also "Hello what"

He is the one that did something wrong and HE is the one that is laying down the rules/boundaries??

What the heck is he hiding by threatening you with "overness" if you contact the "skank"?

Who is he protecting here, by demanding you not to contact her? HIM or HER?

Makes me think he is not being straight with you, if you are not to contact her at all.

IMHO

kirk

"But since he had asked me before not to contact her I have held back, he told me before it was over with us if I contacted her or replied to her email to me."

YIKES!

He promised not to answer her calls, and he broke that promise. I would confront him. Sounds like he is using his anger to get you to shut up.

Yep.

BTDT, got another OC out of it.

He doesn't want either of you talking because then both of you would compare notes and then BOTH would be mad at him.

Just so you know, I DON'T advocate talking to the OW either. They are as much a liar as the WH, and twice as vindictive (ime).

He's controlling your behavior by makeing you afraid of confrontation.

You had a boundry. He crossed it.

BTW: Please read Pep's The carrot and the stick of plan A.

It's time for a stick.

He broke his promise.

IF... and that's a big IF... your WH is serious about recovery, then he should be willing to make his life an open book. He should be willing to write OW a no-contact letter (approved by you and delivered/mailed by you)(there are lots of samples on this site), he should be willing to bend over backwards to restore your trust in him. He doesn't get to call the shots.

Girlfriend, you're taking crumbs but he's probably eating the whole cake!

Confront him with what you know. If he hollers about trust or privacy or some other lunacy, tell him that he's got a long way to go before he earns your trust.

The time he told me not to contact her was about a month or so ago when she contacted me with an email saying she was sorry but she hadnt kept her promise to me to not contact him because she was in love with him and that she understood if I was mad but that she tried not to contact. And that she would again for respect for our marriage try to not contact again to give us space to figure out what we wanted to do. I wanted to go off her on cause she was full off sh** with her email. But that was when he said not to contact her. He didnt know what he wanted and he "said" he felt bad for hurting her and he didnt want me to hurt her more.
I know thats no excuse, I have talked to her prior to that email and I was very nice (I shouldnt have been but I wanted the info of what was going on from someone and it wasnt going to be him, atleast then I could compare the stories)
Today he is acting distant again, or it could just be me reading into everything again. I havent heard from him all day and that has not been the pattern all week. I have been getting alot of texts and calls from him. Today nothing. And last night he was talking very depressed. I think I am going to risk the fight and just tell him tonight what I know and see where it goes from there.

Usually, when there is true no-contact, the WS goes through a period of "withdrawal" where they're depressed and distant for a time. When there is contact, they seem to be happier... but the clock sets back to zero on starting the withdrawal process.

When I read about the 1-minute phone call, is it possible that he didn't answer and it went to VM? Does your phone company bill in 1 minute increments even if it was only a 30-second call or a call in with no answer?

No.

He's acting distant again because he has a secret AGAIN that he's keeping from you.

A secret DOES = the adultry AGAIN/STILL because no real recovery has had a chance yet.

The only GOOD secrets involve birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.

I wish a call going to voicemail were the case but its not. I checked my log to see if some calls that just went to voice mail registered on the log and none of them did. So you have to answer the call for it to register on the list.
I know he cant truely start recovery if he continues contact. That is why I wish she would go away. But she is too stubborn for that, she is determined to destroy our marriage. I know if she had him they wouldnt stay together cause she is exactly everything that he hates with women. They would do nothing but fight constantly. But I guess she doesnt see that. He has actually even said the same thing to her.

I have decided to wait to say something to him and see if the number comes up again, but I am keeping a close eye on him.
Today is just not a good day to talk to him about anything and not lose it. He had a bad day at work and has been edgey since he came home. I dont want to add wood to the fire. Plus our kids are up now and I dont want them to hear any fighting even after bed time. They have been through enough with all of this. I will see how he is tomorrow and maybe say something then. He probably can sense something wrong with me but is just too ashamed to ask out of fear his slip up has been discovered. It will come out when the time is right. We will have date night saturday and I am sure after a beer or two he will bring the affair up again and it will be perfect time to test his honesty with me. That is what happened last weekend. After a few beers the unmentionable water under the bridge that I am not supposed to bring up was brought up by him. He was saying that she didnt like how non affectionate he was and he didnt like crowded places. They apparently faught about that alot. Those are things that I already knew about him and accepted him that way.
All this is so hard. I dont know how people get through this. Some days I am sure we will make it and then others I dont see it being so easy. Does it ever get better. do the OW ever go away

Then as long as he ANSWERS THE PHONE she has her "in."

Her ploys and pleas will only get more desperate the more HE allows it.

Trust.

Ok, hopefully someone can help me with how to proceed.....
I am not good with getting my point across without it starting an all out war with WH. He always reacts badly when I bring things up and not him. Its because of guilt I know. But I dont want to ruin Plan A with a fight but I know I need to confront him about the recent contact. I have been looking through the phone records and there is a number of texts from a couple numbers that werent there before I blocked OW's cell phone. He did tell me a couple weeks ago that she had texted him from someone elses phone to avoid the block. So now I am seeing a few new numbers and its driving me nuts. I have to confront him about the call he answered tuesday that I know was her and find out who these other numbers are from the texts.
How do I bring it up in a way that he wont feel like I am giving him the 3rd degree or nagging or trying to fight?

I DO understand about it beginning a war with your WH.

The reason I understand is because my FWH DID THE SAME TO ME.

I understand the reason why you don't want to fight...but you must also know that by him allowing these calls, by him answering any calls by her is the same as him actually INVITING her into your lives to stomp on your children and their feelings and YOUR FEELINGS????

He's handing her an ingraved invitation to wreck your children's family.

And you don't want to ask him about it because he will make it into a fight.

On the grand scheme of things, what is worse? Family destruction vs. airing feelings that are bad in order to bring nasty secrets into the light so they won't fester and destroy your family?

One fight, one disagreement in this IS NOT the family ender.

Plan A is NOT about swallowing bullchit.


In order to DO plan A, you MUST apply BOTH the carrot and the stick of the plan.

Only doing the carrot equates to YOU allowing you and your kids to be walked on for the SAKE of adultry.

Do you want this to continue or not?

Dear lostandconfused7,

I have had a brief look at your thread. I only have a moment to post now. I cannot offer you advice about your immediate problem of how to deal with the matter without causing a fight, but I will read your thread through carefully later and think about this. If I can add anything I will.

In the meanwhile, I should just like to ask you to read tully’s thread, “what to do when the OW won’t give up?” You will see that she currently has the same kind of problem as you. Many people posting on her thread have dealt with the obsessed OW. Their experiences and advice are invaluable and I think you should read as much of their threads as possible, as well as tully’s.

I have been through this, and without using MB properly I allowed the affair to continue for a very long time. I have posted details of how this happened on tully’s thread. I hope you can find time to read my posts on her thread and see how NOT to handle repeated contact.

I actually think that people in your position don’t have a problem with OW who won’t give up. You have a problem with your WS. He does not want to give up the affair. He says that he does, but he does not.

Your H is your problem, not the OW.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation.

I think this is the right thing. The point of billing for 1 minute even if it is 1 second is valid. Maybe she kept calling and he did not answer and then he got tired of it and answered and said to stop calling and hung up. The 1 minute breach is so easy to deflect and easy to make you look unreasonable (even though you are in the right). Wait for another breach.

Yes, but he needs to TELL SBS when such things happen.

When he doesn't, it creates nothing but chaos in SBSs life.

If she doesn't communicate this TO him early on, it will keep happening and she will continue with this knot in her stomach till she just can't stand it anymore and then a REAL blowout will occur.

Best to nip this asap and spare EVERYONE the tension.

I've done it both ways. The way SBS is living it and the way I do it now.

If you allow yourself to sit on this, it will grow into a true monster.

Secrets beget secrets.

Dealan,

I understand, but we are talking about 1 time that may be 1 second up to 1 minute. I am sure in his mind if he answered her and told her to stop and hung up that he just does not want to worry her about it. If it happens again, bust him. This one is probably not worth it.

He did feel bad about it as noted by the text within the hour. If any action is to be taken, raise the level of observation. I would leave it at that. If it is more than I suspect, more will come. If it is just as I suspect, it may be the end of it.

As for him being distant, this is an interpretation through the filter of the phone incident. Any other time and probably would not be noticed.

So true - the problem here is your WH, not so much the OW.

I've BTDT too, and what you are thinking of as recovery isn't.

It doesn't matter if he talked to her or not. It doesn't matter what he told her or didn't. She called him, he didn't tell you, and you can't trust him at all.

If you do sit on this for a couple days to do more snooping, avoid being suspicious so he'll keep his guard down, and don't wait too long to confront.

He is the one with the problem here. It's not your fault that he broke his promise AGAIN! So don't worry about him being angry with you - when he's ready to own his own garbage, you'll have a much better feeling about recovery.