Hello all,
Been lurking for awhile. Have really appreciated reading all the posts and the advice given on here. It has been a tremendous resource for me. Haven't posted my whole story yet but short story is W had an affair for past 2 years, last year PA. I caught her on 9/12/08. We have been in MC for the past month and trying to work it out but it has been difficult. I have a ton of resentment. One minute I'm nice and trying to make her happy but then the next I'm bringing up the past and making us both miserable. I believe she has cut off contact with the OM but who knows for sure. She seems remorsefully and committed to working things out but has her own ideas about it. Namely lets move on and forgot the past and live happily every after. I'm just having a tough time doing it even though I want to. I just can't seem to get over certain things she did to me which brings me to my question.

We had a good day yesterday. Had ok conversations of the phone and I came home from work in a good mood. Went out to play softball (definitely a sore spot in our marriage) and came home around 11:30 PM. She was asleep on the couch. I kind of lost it a bit and said why didn't you call me? Or txt me all night? She said she fell asleep and was waiting for me to call her. This is a big trigger for me because during the the A whenever I played softball or worked late she would talk to the OM - didn't matter what time it was. She would have no problem staying awake. I have told her repeatedly how bad this made me feel but I feel she doesn't really get it. So that's why I lost it a bit (no yelling or anything like that) and told her I was going to match up her cell phone records for the past few months with the times I worked late or played softball and she how many times she called the OM and prove my point that she had no problem staying up or contacting him. She then lost it. Crying and telling me I'm cruel and just want to punish her. I feel this is not true - I don't want to punish her but just to validate me - namely how much she hurt me by always falling asleep on me and never bothering to call me. I felt like 2nd best during the A and to some degree still am. She has no problems talking to her friends non stop and I'm sure she did that night. She just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I feel like she should make the extra effort to call me or at least txt me to show she is thinking about me. I realize I probably over did it and apologized to her (boy I find myself apologizing a lot lately - starting to wonder who had the A) but just wanted to get some advice as to how I could have handled it better.

Thanks

Upside Down,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry that you found us under such circumstances, but considering that it i a great place to be.

I'm assuming you have read the Basic Concepts. If not, I wouold suggest that you do so right away since a lot of what will be suggested to you will come from those.

In addition, you might want to read the Q&A colmuns related to surviving infidelity. Pay close attention to this group> Can't We Forgive and Forget? which apply directly to your current problem.

I would also recommend that if you haven't yet read Surviving An Affair, the you get a copy of it, read it, study it and refer to it often. Again, much advice will be based on its pages. You can get it at any decent bookstore or from the bookstore on this website.

You prbably need to do some snooping in order to verify that she is no longer in contact with OM. As long as she has contact with him and efforts at counseling will be for naught. It will also take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months for her to complete withdrawal from OM and during that time counseling will not be of a lot of use. But don't give up...

Hopefully a lot of folks will come along shortly to give you some help. I can't stick around since I'm at work right now, but I will be back later as well.

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Mark

Thanks Mark. I have read most of the material on the website and it has helped. Unfortunately I don't always follow the advice (no lovebusters, etc). But I am trying. I also ordered the SAA book yesterday so looking forward to that.

I also agree that I need to do a little more snooping. Unforntuntely my wife does not use the computer much at all. All phone stuff. I have her cell phone records but she wouldn't use that anyway considering that's the main reason I busted her in the 1st place. She didn't even attempt to hide it because the OM was a family friend. Some friend huh?

Avoiding LB's and DJ's are hard, upside_down. You really need to try. You feel like you really want to put her in her place, right?

My WW actually told me to not use texting because she hates it. Then I find out on d-day she exchanged 1100+ texts with OM in a three week period! In one dinner conversation well after d-day, she commented that she was the "worlds worst texter". I wanted to say "well you sure didn't have a problem when chatting with the OM". It would have felt really good to take that pot shot at her but I didn't. You need to do the same. I feel for your hurt and I know how betrayed you feel. Hang in there!

Yeah you kind of hit the nail on the head with the comment about putting her in her place. Not so much to make her feel terrible but to make her understand how bad she hurt me. I don't think she really gets it even though she says she is sorry - it's one blanket statement - "I'm sorry I had the A ,etc, but I guess I want her to apologize for specific events. Probably asking too much.

The txt comment you mentioned is kind of funny - reminds me of my wife. She is a big time technophobe while I'm into emailing, txt, etc. She told me she hated txting me but had no problem txting the OM "I miss you" and stuff like that. But 1100+ txt? Wow that's alot. My wife was more of a voice person I guess - she would do 5000+ minutes a month on her cell phone. A good portion to the OM. He was a such a good listener as she puts it. Plus who knows how much on the land line. Makes you wonder how the WS and the OP have so much free time on their hands to talk and txt, etc. I feel if they just took 50% of that and invested it in their own marriage then maybe we wouldn't be here.

I congratulate you on being able to restrain yourself. That is a skill I have definitely not mastered. Every time a situation like that comes up - I go immediately for the potshot. I know I need to stop it by its hard sometimes. I almost want to shout do you have any idea what you are saying!!!

I'm a person that needs a lot of sleep, and I'm a morning person. I get really cranky if I stay up much past 10 p.m. Some nights I fall asleep by 9 and some nights if something really exciting is going on I'm up til 11. I rarely make it to see in the New Year.

However.

If I were having an A, or if someone near to me were in a horrible accident, or if I won the lottery, I have no doubts that I could stay awake with lots of energy well into the wee hours for days on end. The adrenaline would be pumping through my system like nobody's business.

Your wife's ability to stay up and chat w/OM but not with you are NOT a reflection on how she feels about you. The A was new, different, exciting. That level of excitement is not sustainable. It's not realistic to expect that she could continue that behavior with you or OM or anyone.

Pulling out cellphone records and forcing her to look at them is NOT going to make her body magically produce adrenaline. It's much more likely to put her into a depression and then she'll have a really hard time staying up and being energetic and enthusiastic. You're shooting yourself in the foot.

Forget about the fact that she had all that energy for OM. It wouldn't have lasted. It's physically impossible.

I recommend you read up on DJs - disrespectful judgments. Your post is full of them, and you need to learn to recognize them and avoid them. They're tricky little devils and pop out before you notice, so you really do have to practice and be vigilant.

Can she call you any time during your game? Probably not, because you're busy. Did you call her when you got there? When the game was over to say how you did and you were on your way home?
Why didn't she go to the game with you?
Why don't you quit the team and spend your time doing stuff with her instead?

Yeah I see your point logically. Put some how emotionally I just don't get it. My wife even asks me why can't help myself from the DJ's. My answer of course is why couldn't you stop yourself from talking 3 hours a day to the other OM and begging him for sex when all you do it fall asleep on me. Vicious cycle I know but I guess the problem is I'm having a tough time really forgiving her.

And you are definitely right - I shot myself in the foot because she slept on the couch that night.

I did call her when I got there. I probably should have called her on the way home but I guess in a sense I was testing her. I want her to call me - to prove to me that she wants to talk to me. Kind of like a competition with the OM. Unfortunately I always seem to lose. Kinds of sucks. I know this is not the most healthy way to go about things and I really admire the people on here who go out of their way to Plan A to their WS but it just is very hard for me. It almost seems unfair - she gets to have an affair and now I have to go out of my way to be extra nice to her.

Let's see, you work all day, work late at night, and play softball at times till late.

Your wife stays home and watches the three kids and talks on the phone.

Does she get time away from the kids to relax and get a break? Do the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together WITHOUT the kids?

Yeah its not the most healthy situation. The softball is over in two weeks and I don't think I'm playing anymore. I want to do more activities with her but we can't come up with any. We seem to have very different interests. We are not getting anywhere near 15 hours a week without kids unless you count sleeping next to each other. This has to change I realize.

That was one of the reasons for the A that she gave - the OM valued her as a person. Not just as a mother or person who takes care of the house. Plus the OM hardly worked so he had all day to talk to her on the phone. And on top of the the OM was the H of my wife's best friend so we hung out all the time on the weekend. Real great situation. She saw him and talked to him way more then me. He gave her his 100% undivided attention. I know I'm far from perfect. I want to get closer to her but now I feel like I have so much resentment its almost impossible. We have 3 small children at home and yes we do get babysitters but its not really possible to go away for the weekend or even a whole day. WE have a few hours at best. Any good ideas for something we could do for a night out beside the usual like going to the movies or eating out?

I hope you have exposed the affair to your wife's friend. She needs to know the truth of her life. And they need to have no contact FOREVER.

There are millions of things you could do together. Put the kids to bed early and spend a couple of hours each night, talking, playing games, watching movies, or whatever.

Ask her to list 50 activities she likes, and you list 50 you like. See if there are a couple that coincide.

No I did not. I think its a mistake but that's a whole another issue. They are getting divorced anyway - my wife told her best friend about the EA but not the PA. But the other couple's marriage has been on the outs for years - kind of ironic that once my wife stopped being involved with the OM they all of a sudden he kicked his wife out. I think my wife was holding together their marriage for some bizarre reason. She said it was because if they got divorced then the fantasy would be over.

But I digress - anything come to mind for activities? I'll take any suggestions.

On the outs for years, that's what we always hear. Did the OM's wife tell you that, or was it your wife?

It was acutually all of them. The OM, the OMW, and my wife. We were all friends. That's how the whole mess started. My wife and the OMW were friends for the past 10 years. The best friend and the OM got married about 4 years ago. We vacationed together, hung out etc, babysat each other kids, etc. Unfortunately for me my wife was a stay at home mom and the OM didn't work many hours and was kind of like a stay at home dad. It was a recipe for disaster.