I have been thinking of this for awhile, that there are essentially 2 kinds of WW's. Remember, these are my generalizations.....

#1- I call this the "Mrs Wondering" kind of WW, and the kind I consider myself to be. This kind of WW is prideful and flattered and almost doesnt' think her BH cares about her at all. She feels the emotional "high" of the A and likes it, BUT....when BH finds out, she stops at once or almost at once. Her H doesn't need to plan A very long or at all, and R happens fairly quickly, at least for her- meaning she is willing to go to any length to repair the damage as far as she can. She does not blame her BH for her actions, she works on HERSELF but NOT selfishly. She works on what SHE can do in her marriage to make it a good one. Mrs Wondering and Marshmallow, and, I hope, me are like this.

#2- This one I liken unto the SCQ or James's wife (does she have a nickname?) or Heartsore's WW, does anyone remember him? Sometimes known as walk-away wives, I think. They're idiots, imvho, and don't know a good thing when they have it. They're selfish and honestly, probably the BH is better off without the WW anyways. They don't care about the children because they're blinded by their selfishness. These are the ones whose BH's try to plan A, try to R, can see where they can improve their marriage (though nothing they did or didn't do justifies what they got!) and are willing to do the work. THe men who love their children and want to have an intact family for them. The WW's who get chance after chance and blow it! What I wouldn't give to have a BH like that. Well, what I wouldn't give to not have to label my H BH.


I would give anything to be able to undo what I did. I only hope that if my M ends up in divorce that when I tell the next man I seriously date (though I'm leaning more towards being an old cat lady so it wouldnt' matter anyway) what I did that I will be able to convey that I am NEVER going to do what I did again. That I AM trustworthy and worthy in general. My BH will never believe it again and that is all my fault. He told me last night, again bringing up D, that he'd rather be with someone else not knowing if she was trustworthy or not than be with me knowing for sure that I am not. I don't know if we will ever be able to recover from what I did......

Just thinking about this a lot.....

I like to think my WW is in category #1. She is so far but you can't help but ask if she is category #1 and knew how much she had to lose then why would she do it in the 1st place.

In other words, she does know her BH cares about her. I guess internal justification can only warp reality to a point, for most people.


Almost? Oh, so after she destroys her BH, she only bangs OM a few more times then calls it quits? Nice.

WW #2 - turd

WW #1 - polished turd

Note the "WW" designation...not "FWW"

Krazy, it goes without saying that we're all (and by we I mean anyone with the W designation) is a turd of one sort or another.

Any sort of A has to involve convoluted justification. Please don't think I am trying to absolve myself of anything.

Hopefully if a BH or BW is really willing to forgive, the crappy backslidings of a FWW (that they did in the past while completely fogged up) will be part of the forgiveness.

Krazy, what you have been though is horrible and I just wonder if you think you'll ever really be able to forgive? I just ask becasue you seem a lot like my BH...and I'm not sure he will ever be able to.

And you know what? The fact that my BH can choose at ANY time to divorce me and it will be my fault that my family is destroyed and I've hurt the one person I truly love is so awful and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

I really don't think I have the forgiveness in me to give. It's just not there.

That doesn't mean we can't have a better marriage than we had before, but I already know it'll never be one of those really, really happy marriages I've heard about, but never seen up close.

"She feels the emotional "high" of the A and likes it, BUT....when BH finds out, she stops at once or almost at once."

I think that was one of the things that doomed my marriage. When I found out that my ex betrayed our marriage vows, lied about it, and put me at risk for an STD, then saw how destroyed and devastated I was, he continued the affair.

I think it is Frank Pittman who says on of the best predictors of marital recovery is if the WS STOPS the affair immediately.

I agree. If my FWW had wavered, for even one second, about who she'd rather be with, or if she had broken contact even once, I would've tossed her out.

Krazy, so you're willing to stay married even though you can't forgive?

Believer- yes, I can see that- when I see people like SDGuy and James willing to try over and over again I just agonize for them....it just shows what good dads they are, I think, that they're willing to try for their family. BTW, I think you're fabulous, I love reading your posts.

Heck, I was raised by people I'll never forgive, so it's not new territory for me.

Yes, you're marriage can recover from what you've done.


IMHO-
Regardless of what a "former" wayward does, their spouse should never "fully" trust them again. However, a former wayward must live a life that is trustworthy, and setting up EP's is how that begins.

Can I be forgiven? Yes, my wife has shown me that I can be. But again it depends entirely on a spouses ability to forgive combined with the former waywards actions of repentance.

Can our marriage be restored and even be better than it was before? Yes, I believe that it can, but it depends on "both" spouses being willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that goal.


FWIW, I think there are only two types of waywards.
There are those who are unrepentant and those who are repentant.

Well, my ex is very repentant right now that the affair is done.

I think there are many kinds of WS's. But the ones that tore their spouse's heart out and STOPPED have a better chance of recovering their marriage, than the ones who tore it out, and then continued stomping on it. Just my opinion.

howtoheal

I hope you do not feel this post is to attack you but for you to exam your efforts towards your BH. I do not know your story on the way your words have struck me on this thread.



"she works on HERSELF but NOT selfishly. She works on what SHE can do in her marriage to make it"

I think you need to evaluate what you are doing to recover.

These words seem to sound foggy. The way a WW in a fog on D day justifies her affair.

Your affair ended 3/06. I don't know how your BH found out or when. I don't know how many D days your BH had. I don't know if he got trickled truth.

I do know that affairs take two to five years to recover. Your BH has three and a half more years to go still. If he had his last D day, told the whole story, verified NC, since 3/06.

If not then the recover clock has to be pushed back.



To rework your words:

"she works on HERSELF but NOT selfishly."

She worked on herself unselfishly to fit the time in to bang her OM. She did what ever she had to do to have an affair. She did not restrict her efforts to have an affair.

"She works on what SHE can do in her marriage to make it"

Why are you putting limits on what you are doing. Maybe your BH feels that also. If your BH feels that you are placing caps on what you are willing to do how can he feel secure in his life and marriage now?

Your words let me think that your BH feels that his WW put no limits on what she did for the OM. Do I the husband deserve that I get less of an effort then the OM received.