My first post. Here goes:
Married 26 years (we were 19 yrs old) 3 kids (25, 21, 12) and 1 grandkid (4) I'm a nerd, he's the big dumb jock type. We have always laughed about it, and accepted this as who we are (we don't feel it's derogatory but more of an affectionate description).
We have had a hard married life thanks to his total inability to manage money. He works hard, makes good money, wastes it like crazy. He admits this most of the time. We used to fight about it because I tried to control it, but then we split the finances and it eased the tension. He's still broke, but at least he realizes it's his fault now, and not mine.
After all these years, and for the second time in 6 years, my husband has had an "I'm not happy/leaving" meltdown. I was devastated the last time. This time, I am too, but now, I'm more angry and resentful than hurt. Why? Because the first time, I don't think there was another woman's 'friendship' involved, but this time, there is. Here's the whole story:
Months ago, I noticed his income had slowed down. He's self-employed. I questioned him about it, nothing was wrong. Things were just 'slow'.
A month ago, after repeatedly asking him if 'something was wrong' to which I got the standard 'no', my 21 yo son comes to me and tells me he thinks this 'woman we're doing work for is a problem'. I drove over there, even though my son said my husband left before they did, and sure enough, my husband's truck was in the drive. They were in the house together. He says they were talking, she says the same thing. I believe they were, for several reasons I won't go into now, but I am sure there was nothing physical taking place now. But at that moment, it looked very bad. I think I handled it as well as could be expected, but I still was extremely devastated and cried, and my reactions and emotions are as if he actually did have a physical relationship.
Once this whole thing opened up, he finally told me a load of things that really hurt me worse than I initially thought, and I can't get past them yet. Here they are:
1. I'm 'not attractive' anymore. (He is far more attractive than I'll ever be, and women hit on him all the time)
2. I'm fat. (I am, and I'm working to resolve it now.)
3. She's 'just a friend' he enjoys talking to. (he just met her 3 mos ago when he did some work for her, and my son says that he refuses other work that's in his profession just to 'help' this woman out - meaning he's making a LOT less money working for her than if he were out doing what he was supposed to be).
4. He isn't doing 'anything wrong'. (Jury stll out on that one)
5. He 'doesn't know' how he feels about me anymore. (neither do I)
6. He loves me, he never stopped. (his words, not my impression)
7. She's 'got it together' (she has money and a winning personality, and she's thin)
8. I'm too 'judgemental' (I'm one of the most open-minded people you'll ever meet, but I'm no fool!)
9. He 'isn't going anywhere' and I just want to 'ruin things' for him. (If it's an affair, I'm going to ruin it alright).
10. She's a 'nice person' and he likes to talk to her. (so am I, and until she came along, he talked to me)
11. He finds excuses to go to her farm and work sometimes 7 days a week until recently when her work slowed down.
12. He worked there for over 2 mos. and never told me where he was working, that he had a new friend, that she was in the process of opening a business just like the one I was in the process of planning myself (that's important), and says he just likes it there.
13. He lies continuously. Little lies, stupid things, but lies all the same, and not always about her or the farm, but about everything. He has always had a tendency to tell 'white lies', but suddenly they've gotten more serious and numerous.
14. I'm making him look 'henpecked' when I go to visit her store, which isn't often, but she has nice things that I'm genuinely interested in, and I enjoy the atmosphere. (I don't resent her, this is his doing, but I subscribe to the addage 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' -- the more she sees of me, the less likely she is to engage in further 'friendship'. She has distanced herself already. He is oblivious, and thinks everything is still the same.
15. He says his friendships with women are harmless, that it's not about 'sex', that I always think the worst of him, etc. etc. I contend that I've always trusted him, never felt the need to follow up, and I don't want to babysit him now, but he has broken the trust by placing himself in a precarious position at a time in our relationship when he has expressed a lot of dissatisfaction.
16. She's slowly fading out of the picture now, but . . . there will be another at some point. I should know by now whenever he finds a new female 'friend', because he suddenly becomes very negative toward me and makes rude suggestions like 'you need a new hairstyle/wardrobe/workout routine'. He starts asking me to change in ways I later find out seem to fit the 'friend's' description (dye my hair a different color (hers); get my nails done a certain way (her way), etc.) It's gotten to the point where I'm suspicious of any request he makes of me now, simply because I feel as if he's trying to make me look like the 'friend'.
17. I'm to the point where I want to leave him because I'm sick of feeling inferior to him, like a maid/sex outlet.
18. Our sex life, though, has not cooled down. We are very healthy in that area, so I don't understand his need for the 'friend' on a sexual level, but I know that may be where it ends up if he continues seeking these 'friendships' like he does.
19. He gets emotionally involved in women's problems, he wants to be a knight in shining armor for them, flash money around, and act like a big dog. He's broke, though, but he'll spend money to impress a 'friend' like that. He will loan them money we don't have, let our bills go late because of it, then refuse to let them pay him back! Or, he'll work for no pay because she can't 'afford it'.
20. He says I need to get over it. That's the way he is. He's not going to change. I say he's lost his mind.
21. He went to Las Vegas in August with his brother. Everyone warned me not to let him go alone, but I couldn't be off work and he was in a tournament there, so he had to go. I trusted him endlessly, and laughed when friends warned me. I didn't believe it. But . . . he came back a different person now. He wants to watch porno a lot more, (I like to watch it to now and then, but he's getting obsessed with 'Chinese women' for some reason); he lied about the amount of money he spent, where he went, and no doubt what he did. Let me tell you this, what happens in Vegas comes due on your credit cards, my friends!
I grew suspicious because he refused to discuss the trip with me, and went through his wallet and found players cards for nightclubs. I told him I did this, too. I told him I was going to go through his cell phone bills and look for this 'friend's' number too. I was honest about what I intended to do to relieve myself of the nagging suspicions. He agreed it was ok with him because he hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't upset that he had the cards, or that he went there. I was terribly upset that he felt he had to lie about going, and to me, that's the fundamental problem. Lies and for no reason. I don't shout, I don't throw things, get angry, or any of this. I'm open physically and emotionally to his every need, and am very active and healthy physically and sexually. I do need to lose weight, but this is not the center of the problem although I am doing quite well with losing weight for my own reasons.
My final statement: after reading him the definition of an emotional affair, trying to discuss with him the dangers and pitfalls of some types of 'friendships' and what the difference is between a real female friend and an emotional attachment, he still denies that it's even an issue. He says I'm paranoid, seeing something that isn't there, and yet, others see it too, not just me. Someone approached me and told me they saw his truck there pretty late too. I was embarrassed.
My question: How do I make him understand these 'episodes' are damaging his credibility, our marriage, his business, the respect our son has for him, and my respect for him? How do I make him see that this 'secret second life' he has enjoyed living for the past few months has made me feel threatened and discouraged and angry? I've told him, but he just denies it and tells me to move on. I'm confused, but I don't want to leave. I do love him,
