My husband really wants a motorcycle. He had one when we married- after a small accident- where I was thrown- I am totally opposed... also his dad was in a serious motorcycle accident last april... it landed on his head... he is recovered now- but really lucky to be alive....

my question is how do you negotiate this? he really wants it- it would make him happy- I feel like I am denying him- which could lead to resentment--- yet my POV seems ludicrous to him.

What is the compromise? he gets it... a $15,000 bike... and I get to worry when he's on it... and many worries I would have... him getting hurt...him spending recreation time without me- which could be unhealthy for us.

he doesn't get it...I'm happy...but he is not

where is a good compromise? Does anyone see one, I'm not thinking of?

Thanks
amartini

Search around for one of those safety driving courses, and insist that he take the course before driving the motorcycle.

Ask him to set up volunteering for an EMS outfit so that he can see what the accident victims look like after motorcycle accidents - the best incentive I can think of to drive more safely.

Come up with some things that he has never delivered on (painting the house, etc.), and negotiate that, if you agree to the motorcycle, he should own up to his responsibilities before he can get it.

Negotiate other activities that you will both like that he will invest time in so that you can have play time together.

Both of you get a (less expensive) bike and you ride together, to get over your fear of motorcycles and give you both time together.

Help him find a club to join, so that he is riding with other, experienced and safety-conscious bikers.

This is a tough one. I really asked my XH to NOT get a motorcycle for all of the reasons you mentioned. He was 60 and it seemed like a really bad idea. He not only went ahead and got it, he pressured me for many months to ride with him, and to agree to having my own to ride. I don't even like driving a car! How could he be so out of touch with who I was?

I don't understand why all of these 60 year old men are driving motorcycles. It's dangerous.

In the end, he never cared what I thought, and got the bike. I was so resentful about a zillion other things that I decide that if he killed himself then I would be sad for only a little while.

Hmm. A good compromise. How about he agrees to grow up and not get a widow-maker.

But in all seriousness, if you guys follow POJA, it's a no-brainer - much like his head will be when he falls off!

My H wants to get one, too, and this is a man who was in a coma for three months and has metal plates holding his arm and leg together from a motorcycle accident (years before we met).

I jokingly told him once that he could get one if he bought a $2 million life insurance policy so I could take fabulous vacations and screw cabana boys after he killed himself. But then he started looking at policies! lol. I then told him that I was only kidding about the policy (and the cabana boys) and that I loved him deeply and that I DIDN'T want him to kill himself, and besides, it wouldn't be right to the children, to deny them a father because Dad wanted to go off and 'have fun'. I pointed out that he'd given up the right to kill himself when he made himself responsible for other people's lives.

He gave up the idea of getting one, but I know he still wants it.

Ask your husband if he is willing to make you unhappy and nervous.

I added all that emphasis. If you POJA this, you have to be agreeable with him riding this widow-maker. Does his privilege of owning a motorcycle trump his responsibility to be there for you and the children?

When WH and I had this discussion, I got him to agree to wait until the kids were grown. Another good compromise (friends did this) is that when he wanted to ride, he would rent a motorcycle (about $100 a day)