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Well, I have been talking in another post regarding my wife and all that we have been through with her infidelity...we are both christians that are really struggling with this...my wife has laid her head on my chest and hugged and told me she was sorry and will never hurt me like this again...i have forgiven her and am trying really hard and praying for God to help me forget...during the first couple of years of our marriage, i totally blew it with trampling all over her emotions...looking back, i can't believe that i would treat the love of my life like this...but, i guess it was habit with the way i have treated others in my life...the new thing brings out Mr. Casanova and a do anything for my partner...then once that wears off, i start to think about myself first...but, i have opened my eyes and have done a complete 180 in our marriage...i am totally devoted and putting my wife as my top priority in life...i guess that my trampling of my wife distanced us and another guy took advantage of her vulnerability with hitting on her emotional needs and making a connection while i was out of the picture...my wife fell pray to the game he was playing and she lost...since i found out about it, we have went through many help cds, counseling, and others...my wife was very strong in the beginning with the 'im sorry' and 'won't hurt you again'...but, lately, i have noticed that she is getting real weak as if this problem is really wearing her out...i think that the constant talking about our problems are beating her up, as they are me as well...but, i know what we are supposed to do according to God's word...i just pray that she can stay strong through this time...is there any advice that someone could give for me to assist with building her strength (other than prayer...because i am a constant in prayer for this)? i am avoiding love busters and really making it a habit to fulfill her emotional needs...i guess it will just take patience, time and prayer!!!
***note: she has not talked to OM for over a month now...she received one email from him and didn't respond (she told me immediately)...she also went to his myspace page after i told her about something that he had on there (long story about a song that she said she liked and wanted me to download for her...it's on his jukebox)...the song describes late night talks on the phone and crushes...i was very upset about the song and told her i couldn't believe that she would ask me this...she said 'what do you mean?'...i told her what the song was about and she seemed clueless...it just seemed like too much of a coincidence...but, anyway...after explanation, no requests of this nature...
Last edited by Mike_R; 10/25/08 11:56 PM.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent!!!
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I'm just a rookie here but, I'll give you my opinion. It seems that regardless of your trying to not use LB's your creating an enviroment of negativity. I understand your stance as a Christian. I'm Catholic and this has heavily influenced my position of forgiving my WH. Although it is neccessary to discuss the affair and the events surrounding it, you might want to ask yourself if you need to do it all at once. Remmember marriage is for life. It might be best to put the affair on the back burner for a while until you are both stronger and able to be more objective. The great JC always approached those that needed to be saved with comfort, compassion, and understanding. If my hubby had gone a full month with NC I would be doing cartwheels. My hubby's A is still continuing as a EA. But I have found progress with two rules. 1. I never bring up the affair. This allows him to approach me when he feels comfortable. 2. I always respond with compassion. I'm not saying this is easy. But this is the woman that you love. Doesn't that make her worthy of your self-control. :)More Bees with honey, than vinegar 
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Thank you for the advice. I believe that what you are saying is extremely good advice. I have thought to myself and pondered on whether I should approach out issues this way. I believe that I am going to truly try this tactic of not bringing up the negative aspects. Many have told me that it is healthy to discuss and get everything out on the table in detail. But, in my mind, I feel that this is just as bad as any type of contact that she may have with the OM. So, I am going to draw back the Q&A sessions about the past and allow her to deal with this and ask for help when needed. She has christian friends at work that can help her when needed and me at home when needed. I don't know if she will come to me right now. But, I think with your advice and taking it into practice, she can get back to feeling as though she can discuss her feelings with me. If this is not an option, she can always discuss things with her parents or counselor (she goes once a week...where we have our weekly date after). Another question, what are the thoughts of everyone about asking WW about counselor session discussions? Should I even bring it up in the weekly date or talk about other things? Thanks again...
Names have been changed to protect the innocent!!!
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I have found that as I have pulled back my hubby has come forward. As to your other question, I feel therapy should be for the individual. You should encourage here but this is positive space that you can give her. Remember the Parable of the prodigal son. Welcome with OPEN arms. Her own guilt will guide her better than you can and you do not want to rick resentment. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley! It will help you with some of your fog so that you can help her. The roses are in Heaven, we only earn them here
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Definitely going to try the pull back strategy. I just pray that God gives me the strength to do so. As you have probably read from reading every 'marriage help' article on the internet, the man always feels like he can fix things and wants to conquer problems now. I fall into this. I want to fix it as quick as I can. But, I have to have that self-control to step back. I will continue to post here and let everyone know how this method is working.
In regards to the therapy with the counselor, I think the reason that it comes up is due to meeting her right after she leaves her session. But, it is usually brought up by me. I don't ask her about discussions to add to the advice or talks. I think I just ask how it went and it leads into asking what they discussed. But, I was just wondering if I should even ask about the sessions at all.
Thanks...
Names have been changed to protect the innocent!!!
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Mike,
If you feel your wife getting weak, it sounds like it is time to change your approach. My first recommendation would be to get phone counselling with Steve or Jennifer. They are much better equipped to help you than probably any other counselor. If money is an issue, I would sell household items to scrape together the cash for a few sessions. Anything you can do. Its $185/hr well spent.
Your wife is probably feeling a bit like there is no way out of her misery right now. She knows the OM is not the right answer, but she is also severely stressed out at home. You need to be clear in what you require for recovery (i.e. talking about the affair in depth, not to punish her, but to process it), but you also need to back off a bit. Maybe you can plan a specific timeslot each week to discuss the affair for 30-60 minutes, and avoid discussing it for the rest of the week. Next make an effort to take her mind off of it. Plan out a few activities that she likes, engage her in conversation like you did when you were dating, anything to shift her focus from the affair to enjoying time with you.
But again, get MB phone counseling if you can. They are very good.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Mike,
Andrew has given you excellent advice. I totally concur. You need to set a time slot once per week for no more then 1 hour where you will talk about the A and get the answers that you need. The rest of the time should be focused on no LB's and just trying to have fun together. If you constantly talk about the A then most of your interactions are negative in nature and there is no way you will ever increase the deposits in each other's love banks.
Also, I would definitely not talk about the A or the relationship at all when you are on a 'date'. Think back to when you were dating before you were married. I'm sure you had lots of fun and light interactions and your love for each other grew. That's how your date night should be now as well. Keep it fun and light and just enjoy each other.
Best of luck!
Mindshare
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Thank you for the advice. I believe that what you are saying is extremely good advice. I have thought to myself and pondered on whether I should approach out issues this way. I believe that I am going to truly try this tactic of not bringing up the negative aspects. Many have told me that it is healthy to discuss and get everything out on the table in detail. But, in my mind, I feel that this is just as bad as any type of contact that she may have with the OM. So, I am going to draw back the Q&A sessions about the past and allow her to deal with this and ask for help when needed. Mike, there is a fine line here and one way will prevent you from recovering, the other will keep you both perpetually triggered. In order to recover, you need to have all your questions about the affair answered. This is HOW one processes the tragedy and recovers. Once you have all the information TO YOUR SATISFACTION it should be dropped and you should focus on RECOVERY. Yes, you will still hurt for a long time, and it is ok to bring this up, but endless rehashing of the affair should not happen. Nor should venting. You can come here and do all this HERE with us. The thing that concerns me here is that she went to the OM's myspace page. That needs to stop. That is CONTACT, Mike, that keeps her triggered. In order for her to withdraw, she needs to cut him off cold turkey, so that may mean you both block that website so she does not give into temptation. And she will be tempted. But, it is important that your questions are answered to your satisfaction NOW. If you wait until next month, then you will just be delaying your recovery for no good reason. Get it all out NOW and get on with it, friend!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My hubby's A is still continuing as a EA. But I have found progress with two rules.
1. I never bring up the affair. This allows him to approach me when he feels comfortable.
2. I always respond with compassion. Hi Pumpkin, do you have a thread somewhere? It sounds like you are RIPE for Plan B if your H is still in his affair. I see you have already been dealing with this since 9-20. Do you have a thread here on General Questions?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mike, read this: Requirements for Recovery from an Affair
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree with those that said set aside a certain amount of time and a specific time each week to talk about the affair....otherwise you allow it to consume both of you. I have been on both sides and on both sides it can really physically and mentally wear you out. I can remember dreading my H coming home or even being around him because I knew that we would end up talking about it. If you have a question or something comes into your mind before or after that time each week...write it down. That way you remember what it was and it also allows you to go back and look at it later. I would write down questions I wanted to ask my H and then once I got the answers I would write the answer down too. This helped me from asking the same questions over and over again. I think I did that because I wanted to see if he would give me the same answer each time (seeing if he was telling the truth or lying). This is just a terrible time for both of you. I promise that if you can stick to only talking about it for an hour one time a week that you will find yourself running out of stuff to talk about during that hour.
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Thank you guys for all of the advice that I have received. I feel that I have gathered all of the information that I really needed to know regarding the infidelity. Now the only question will be is if me and my wife can move forward together. I am putting all of my faith and trust in God to intervene and guide us to a healthy beginning. My wife is still extremely weak in her desires to make this work. So, moving forward, I am going to continue to do what I can to meet her emotional needs, break of from all of the negative vibes that I am causing by bringing up the past, and be the husband and father that I am supposed to be. I pray to God for the patience to handle all situations with a calm head and not dwell on things that will hinder any progress that is made. My wife will continue to go to counseling and I will distance myself from inquiries about discussions that were had as well. I feel that the advice that was given regarding this is extremely good advice.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent!!!
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