I have my doubts that OM will sign on for her to get a new cell phone. If anything, he MIGHT buy a pay-as-you-go phone.

He's not in it for the long haul. The only thing that might make him a "renter" for any kind of longer term thing in this deal is if he thinks there might be a good fight in it for him with YOU.

Don't fight him. Don't contact him or his friends again. Don't give him any satisfaction in any way.

When your wife brings him up, you say NOTHING about him. Nothing positive, nothing negative, nothing in-between.

He is not an existing human being to you. The fight and her affair continues because you grant him an existence.

don't do it

because for every time you admit he is some sort of problem to you

you give him another ounce of power and energy


don't do it


Your marriage had problems. Those problems existed prior to the arrival of this parasite on the scene. He only took a place in the relationship because he saw a crack in the door - and he took advantage of it.

HE is not your concern, nor your problem. The sooner you see that, the sooner you will be able to focus on your marriage, and getting yourself in tune with your ability to recover. One way or the other, your life will go forward. I know that at this point you are angry - that is normal. But right now you have things to do, and the first order of business is to get your life on track.

You have decisions to make. Like, figuring out how to stop this affair. How to get yourself under control. What and when to do to go towards Plans A and possibly Plan B if you must.

You need to decide if you want to save your marriage. I advise you act as if you do, for now, and allow yourself that path to follow. If you change your mind at a later time, you can always make that decision to divorce then. Right now, if you burn the bridge and you change your mind later - you might not be able to unburn it. Remember, when you are traumatized like you are, your decision making abilities are not terrific - don't force yourself into anything that is permanent for now.

Move away from the focus on the OM. He is NOTHING.

Move your focus toward Plan A, exposing the affair, working on maintaining stability for the children, and making the changes in yourself that you need to do in order to recapture this marriage and meet your wife's emotional needs.

Look at the state of the marriage immediately preceding the affair. What did it look like? What were your errors? What were you NOT doing that you should have? What were your wife's complaints that you failed to listen to? Start working on those things, now, and show her that you heard her!

And look away from the OM. He's ugly, and apparently has a big nose.

SB

For what it is worth...

OW in my situation got my STBX a new phone under her name, a truck lease, and allowed him to move in ASAP when the affair was discovered.

It wouldn't surprise me if he helps fund her escapades.

I think I understand what you're suggesting and it might be the right way to go. Thing is, and the more I weigh everything out, I'm wondering if MB methods even have a chance in my situation. Not only am I dealing with the maliciousness of an affair, and all the burdens that go along with that, there's the element of drug and alcohol abuse, and I believe I'm dealing with two mentally ill individuals. I've thought for awhile now that my W has Borderline personality disorder. This was suggested by a counselor we saw years ago, but WW didn't stick around long enough to get a diagnoses. Said counselor recommended a couple of good books, one called "Stop Walking on Egg Shells", which seemed to fit W to a Capitol Tee. Part of this condition is that there is a "bottomless hole" within such a person that can never be filled. Hence, I could never possibly hope to fullfill her emotional needs no matter what I do. Another aspect of this disorder deals with absolute selfishness and not taking responsibility for ones actions. While these are certainly characteristics of an affair itself, magnify it X100 if she truly does have this disorder! It all looks and feels pretty hopeless right now and all I can really think about is saving myself and my kids...still easier said than done.

Now, having said all this, I think I need to at least put up appearances of "Saving" the marriage while I make the necessary plans and preparations. OM needs out of the picture regardless...I do not believe he is safe or harmless to anyone by any measure and it seems those of you who have dissected these emails in my other thread seems to agree. She will return from the camping trip tomorrow. I talked to her only breifly yesterday; it seems she's avoiding me in the fallout of the conversations detailed in this thread. I do see she's talked to OM a couple of times though...seems the block didn't take immediate effect, much to my consternation!

Maybe I need to Plan A to the hilt for one more week, while preparing for a sudden Plan B to follow. Financial constraints kept me around this long but I have tapped into my 401K and have a large check coming this week. I'll need this to make my move, whatever that may be. I'm not going to call out these additional phone calls. I'm not even going to bring up OM or the ultimatum I gave her before she left last week (see my Welcome to my Nightmare thread in Plan A/B forum)

Anyone agree, disagree, think there's anything to add or remove???

This just proves my original theory that you are not thinking clearly or rationally. You have compromised your retirement WITHOUT any plan whatsover. Also, you are not operating within the realm of REALITY by continuing to overstep your bounds by insisting on protecting your SD, when she is outside of your legal jurisdiction and already has a father, thereby potentially risking your real son's financial future with your futile actions.

We all understand that these situations are devestating emotionally, but you simply HAVE TO get ahold of your emotions and make solid judgments to protect your son and yourself ... YOU ARE NOT DOING EITHER!!!

You have already squandered one golden opportunity by doing NOTHING while your WW was away on her camping trip ... do you seriously intend to continue with the same mindset and expect different results???

If so, then I question your stability and judgment as much as your WW's!!!

Um, last time I checked (Thurs. 10/23/08- 1:30 p.m. EST) most lawyers require $$ for their services. If you know of any in the state of Florida that does divorces on contingency, please provide their phone number and I'll call them ASAP. So does anyone renting or selling a livable dwelling. Unfortunately my friend, this is REALITY!

If your intention is to use those $$$ to hire an attorney and rent a place for you and your son, then I apologize.

However, as far as I've seen, this is the first mention of this strategy that I've seen from you. So far, all I've seen from you is talk of the OM's obvious issues, how you are wanting to "save" your WW, and how you would NEVER leave your SD with her mother, and what FEW ACTIONS we've seen have followed this script.

Those of us who frequent this site UNDERSTAND the difference between words and actions. It is my hope that you will find the inner strength to put ACTIONS to your WORDS.

MyRev,
While I do appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and offer your opinions and advice, even if I may disagree, your posting style really makes you come across as***edit*****. I think I have enough of those in my life right now, thank you very much! This certainly isn’t what I came to this message board looking for. Do you treat everyone who comes here with such contempt and disrespect? If I were looking for a flame war, I’d have joined a political forum. There are many variables at play here, some of which I haven't even touched on. The attorney I spoke with outlined a couple of different strategies I may pursue, some of which include protecting and getting custody of my SD. You may insult and pass judgement on me, but you do not know me, my family, or the broader circumstances and the repercussions of what I'll have to deal with in the future, or my children, INCLUDING my SD. Perhaps God or someone blessed you with a magic wand to wave and make all your problems solve themselves, but unfortunately, I do not possess such an instrument at this moment. If so, may I please borrow it???

awww,

One of the marks of maturity and wisdom is learning how to accept and implement the hard earned experience that others have gained before you. Most of the time, when a new BH gets upset with what they are being told, it signifies that they've yet to reach that point where they are "willing" to learn from the mistakes and experiences of others.

I have no desire to argue with you, but if I'm willing to make the effort to share my experience, I'm also not going to blow any sunshine up your skirt. I treat this issue SERIOUSLY, and won't dilute the message to spare someone's "feelings".

Since my message is not connecting with you, after two seperate attempts, then I will use my time and energy elsewhere.

As a fellow BH, I hope you at least realize that any advice offered was given with the belief that it would be of benefit to your situation. However, in the end, its up to each of us individually to act in what we believe at the time to be in our own best interests.

Again, I truly wish you luck, because I truly feel you are going to need it.

Peace ... Out!!!

You know one of the better posters here has just washed his hands.

If you had been here long enough you would realize that you have lost a good resource.

Marriage Builders does not work with someone that has addiction issues. You have mentioned drug use in other posts and now that you mention borderline, I think you are correct to get a plan together to gain custody of your child. If it is as bad as it sounds, I could see where an attorney may say that you have the possibility of gaining custody at least on a temporary basis of your SD. Like we talked about earlier, if she left them alone overnight and was out using drugs...you know the possibilities for custody. I understand why you could not act if you were out of state, but if she did it once, she will do it again.

Makes sense to me to use an attorney and make sure you have a good one that is worth your 401k money.