I am having a brain glitch and need some help.

Divorce is almost 2 years out, contact is limited to kid swap which is cordial. I am pretty close to a zero balance on the love bank, he is living with a woman (not OW) for the past 6 months.

Here is my mental snag:
He is here for 3-5 minutes on Fri and Sun for the kid swap. He never fails to mention his GF in some shape or fashion. I have thought long and hard if this could be just an innocent thing. But he has had other room mates that I never even knew their name.

The context of her name coming up is usually him speaking to the kids about what they are doing this weekend. It seems that could wait for two minutes until they are in the car.

Today, there was a brief convo between us as I need to borrow the kids next weekend for a quick B-Day party. Someone will have to retrieve the kids from him. I said "You live near the interstate, right? (He has never volunteered any of his many addresses since he has left). He replied "Yes, WE live near the interstate"

OK, I got it, you are shacked up with some chick.

I have talked to friends and family and we agree that his mentioning her at every drop off is some kind of attack on me.

So what is his objective and what response is he trying to elicit? I just ignore it, I never mention his shoes, I never mention his GF, neither are my concern.

Now, secretly, it feels like a stab to my gut everytime I hear about her. I would love to have an intact marriage. But, I don't think I am jealous of her, he seems to be quite an a$$.

I am assuming there is no response that would be helpful. Maybe he NEEDS me just to acknowledge her. I am pretty sure I will never meet her so she is just some chick my kids have a relationship with. But maybe once I acknowledge her, he'll stop feeling the need to throw her up in my face.

OR, this is all very innocent on his part and I am overly sensitive and need a thought process to have every encounter to make me laugh about it instead of want to puke.

Any advice?

Or he is pushing your boundaries seeing where it takes him.

How are you at setting boundaries in a healthy, caring, loving manner for yourself?

And if good, what do you need him to do differently

If a boundary is me telling him what he can or cannot say in front of me, then no, I have not set a boundary. Bear in mind, this is not the OW, this is an after divorce person.

I am not comfortable saying anything to him about it as I do not want to admit to him that it bothers me.

What I would prefer, is that during the limited time we are face to face, could we limit communication to kids stuff only. He can talk to the kids about the GF in the car.

But, I will not say this to him because:
A. I might be overreacting
B. It shouldn't bother me that he is in a relationship.

Ok, I get why you could be overreacting, but why shouldn't it bother you. Do you still love him?

Is he the H or the WH that had the A?

The intellectual side of me says it shouldn't bother me because, he's been gone for three years, the divorce is final, he was a crapping husband for a lot of our marriage, he has nothing I want in a man except that he is the father of my children.

The emotional side of me is bothered because, I love the man I was married to, I am insulted because he can jump from relationship to relationship and if he wasn't looking for something specific, why couldn't he stay with me?

Thanks Queenie for responding so I can think this through.

I think the above quote is the main sticking point. This is not THE OW, this is just one of a half a dozen chicks in the past 5 years.

He is not looking for something special, any old warm body will do. BUT, he will NOT consider me, I am just chopped liver. This is not about any foggy "love of my life, soul mate" crap. This is just "anybody but Jean".

No wonder it gets to me.

I wish there was something I can say, but only you knows the truth or knows the journey and the things you have faced, I just want you to know I care and I'm sorry you are hurting.

Thanks Queenie, I appreciate your help tonight, I hope you get some comfort soon, also ((((Queenie)))

Thank you, its help to talk to other people and know that there is someone else who needs to be comforted, not just me.

Take care of yourself.... I'll be thinking about you.

Jean, this is what you said of him earlier: "he was a crapping husband for a lot of our marriage, he has nothing I want in a man except that he is the father of my children."

Why should it concern you that someone like that, someone who has nothing you want in a man, doesn't want to "consider" you? It looks more like you'd actually prefer that he does not consider you.

Tell me, are you in any sort of relationship now? If not, I suspect it's more your sense of loneliness talking, rather then any specific concerns about your H's consideration for you.

You're right MIM, I have gotten to the point where I would no longer welcome him back with open arms. I would still think about it, just because of the children, but I do believe we may be better off as a whole, without him.

I do not understand why he feels the need to throw it up in my face all the time. He is successfully pushing a button of mine and I want to deactivate that switch.

I am not seeing anyone and my brain is fine with that. There are not that many times when I say to myself "Man, I wish I had an SO". I am pretty sure any relationship I were to get into now would be a band-aid fix for some issues I am still working on.

Maybe that is why it bothers me emotionally. It is like he is saying "I was never the problem, you always were and that is why I can go from chick to chick to chick".

I do feel like a social misfit since I am not out looking for the next warm body. When someone asks me, "What's new", I always assume they are inquiring about my dating status. I have asked my family to be OK with my single status as I am OK with it and not looking to change it anytime soon.

But exWH is the one person that seems to be just jabbing at me out of meanness. But I am willing to consider that I am just being overly sensitive. But there are people that I have casual conversation with for much longer than 3 minutes and they never mention their SO. It does seem that exWH forces the opportunity to mention her.

Now, there has been a period since the divorce where I was more active socially. I think I was trying to prove something, that I wasn't a social misfit. But that just made me feel empty and mean, since I wasn't interested in being in a relationship.

I wish I knew whether I was really OK being alone or if that is just what I convince myself of since I am alone.

Jean, the real reason he can go from chick to chick is most likely because he sets the entry bar really low .



By the way you're responding to your xH's "jabs", I think it's probably a bit more of the latter.

BTW - your xH likely thinks you spend your time mostly moping at home. How DO you spend your time?

Mon thru Fri I am homeschooling my kids and babysitting for two smaller children. On the weekend, I am at work. I am in the middle of a project right now, so I use Fri-Sat night to be productive on that. If there is a social thing, I have time on Fri-Sat night. If I want some friend time, I have chunks of time on the weekends after work.

I have no idea what exH THINKS I am doing on the weekends. He has seen flowers that I have received in the living room. He once asked me whose lawn mower I had, I had bought a different one. I have occasionally been dressed to go out on Fri when he picks up the kids.

I don't talk to the kids about my social life. They will ask where the flowers came from or who I did what with this weekend and I just stay vague. There is no one who will be part of their life anytime soon.

My life is very segregated. There is the SAHM part, the health care worker part and then the social part. They are not at all intertwined and there is no overlap at all. It is slightly schizo.

I am sure he assumes I am moping because it makes him happy.