Who is less deserving or Admiration, Me or Your Husband?

This morning I failed to properly seek Admiration from my Daughter. I wake her up on wrking days by calling her cell phone. I have been announcing, "This is your Wake-Up Service."

A few Times I have just announced, "Have a Nice Day!"

And she answeres back, "You Too!"

So this morning I forgot to annnounce "Have a Nice Day", and announced "This is your Wake-up Service." It was not as smooth, wishing a nice day. I think I should remind myself to stick to "Have a nice Day," announcement.

Do you ever wake up your daughter? How?


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Thanks for being supportive.
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Many people reading my posts feel that I am less deserving of praise, than ideal. It may be that I am in a group of people who are undeserving of Admiration, but yet who desire Recognition. So this thread may be helpful to better understand the difficulties of husbands who are actually undeserving of praise, yet who desire to be Admired.



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I am not saying you are undeserving of praise. You are a good husband, father, and provider, apparently.

I'm just saying if you want the admiration, try looking deeper in yourself than just what you SAY to your wife, what you DO in the house. Look at your core beliefs, and how you implement them in regard to your wife.

Why is that so hard? What are you afraid of?

You've mentioned working with them both, your wife and your daughter, and I'm unclear why you're expending so much energy to gain admiration from your daughter? Are you still considering that if you have your daughter's admiration, it will overflow onto your wife? That she'll then think twice and learn from your daughter how to admire you?

I also think something is lost in doing nice things for others for the sole purpose of gaining admiration, and it could quite possibly be the missing link to your puzzle, or not.

"This morning I failed to properly seek Admiration from my Daughter. I wake her up on working days by calling her cell phone. I have been announcing, "This is your Wake-Up Service."

A few Times I have just announced, "Have a Nice Day!"

And she answers back, "You Too!"

So this morning I forgot to announce "Have a Nice Day", and announced "This is your Wake-up Service." It was not as smooth, wishing a nice day. I think I should remind myself to stick to "Have a nice Day," announcement."

Change the underlined portion to "I missed an opportunity to do something nice for my (fill in the blank)" and maybe it would change the outcome.

Could be that finding ways to toot your own horn, rather than doing nice things because it makes everyone happy (including yourself), is not the best way to live. Period. You aren't meant to find fulfillment in how you're doing things, because it's a very self-involved way to live.

Editing to say, I'm not trying to hurt you, because I think everyone feels good when they get some praise, you know? I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't feel a certain way. I'm just saying that it could be you're looking for fulfillment from outward sources, such as wife and daughter whom you cannot control, when you could be using that energy to do nice things for people because it just feels good and right to you.

And there's this mysterious thing that happens when you take on that mindset too. People start saying good things about you. They defend you. They seek out your opinion. They value you. Humble men are thought highly of. Men seeking admiration carry an aura about them that they have plenty already - for themselves, and usually people can feel that aura of superiority and self-righteousness rather easily and quickly and often find it somewhat repugnant and adversarial.

I'm worn out and have said about all I can think of to elicit some inner reflection. I hope it helped in some small way, if at all.

Are you giving me Admiration for any efforts I have made to learn Legal Logic and/or Engineering Principles, as show through the writing of my posts?

Or, are you suggesting that I am handicapped from receiving Admiration in a marriage, if I have studied or worked in Law or Enineering too long?



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Hmm. Neither really. While you write very well, I find it hard to understand what you are trying to say sometimes. Your use of phrases is somewhat unusual. I am trying to understand why you write the way you do, so as to understand the way you think. I read your posts and find the logic at right angles to what I am used to. This does not make you right or wrong, it means I am not getting your meaning, and the primary purpose of writing is to convey your meaning, IYKWIM.

I re-read your posts on this thread, and thank you for your trouble to give me your thougths. I do not have a sense of urgency to solve this problem.

I sometimes cut off the expression of Admiration, unintentionally. Sometimes I do not relaize that a compliment was being given, and I change the subject without acknowledging the compliment.

It is difficult to judge conversation, from my words, without full context and influx. I guess that is why Novels are longer, so the full context of a conversations words and intonations can be understood, by the elaborate context.

I am just puttering along, trying to elicit more Admiration, and trying to better appreciate the Admiration I receive. You may feel that my need for Admiraion is excessive, or that my means of asking, or manipulating, for Admiration, may be self-absorbing.

I can identify with your description of your husband as a blunderbus. I feel that way also, more often than Ideal. So I am just trying to be a little smoother in my seeking Admiration from my wife, and other family members.

I do not expect big strides or fast results. Just little, subtle improvements, in my family conversational styles, over time.



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Do you think your wife likes you?

I sometimes cut off the expression of Admiration, unintentionally. Sometimes I do not relaize that a compliment was being given, and I change the subject without acknowledging the compliment.

I think people with strong personalities such as yours tend to monopolize a conversation at times, assuming they are right, and that isn't meant to insult you, just an observation throughout my life. People with lower self esteem will often try to be the center of attention. They need that affirmation and acknowledgment that they're okay.

I had a dear Uncle who was quiet but incredibly smart. People were never threatened by his intelligence because he never used it to make others feel inferior. Thus, when he spoke, people stopped talking and listened. They knew that whatever he said would be worth hearing. He was wise but restrained in his wisdom. He used it for good and never to hurt anyone. It's good to have gifts like that - wisdom, intelligence, wit, etc., but when we use it to hurt others, we are tainting the gift itself.

A lot can be learned by being more of a listener than a contributor to a conversation. Men often tend to want to fix things and assume when a woman starts speaking, that they are looking for a solution to something. Sometimes, women just want to be heard. In fact, I think most of the time, actually. As part of your smaller steps to change, this might be something that you can work on, perhaps. Listening, validating, and mirroring what she has said.

You deserve Admiration for encapsulting 11 Pages of comments into a 7 word question.

There are a number of aspects to Liking or Loving, and I will give your question some further refelction.

Some parts she likes some times. Some parts she dislikes other times.


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What doesn't she like?

What can you do to change those things about you that she doesn't like?

My wife likes that I do some things for her. She dislikes that I don't do as much for her, as she would like. My wife is more of a Taker than a Giver.

I find myself less willing to Give to my wife, when I am feeling that she is withholding simple things from me. So one purpose of my starting this thread, is to make my requests for Admiration clear, simple, and well timed, so there is the best change of maximizing the Admiration I receive.

I sometimes find myself reluctant to do an easy task that would please my wife, because I feel my wife is ignoring my need for Admiration. So I am interested in not so much actually receiving the Admiration, itself, but rather conducting myself in a manner that encourages and elicits Admiration, from my wife and Daughter. So this thread is more about me, and the clearness and timing of my requests for Admiration, more than whether my wife eventually actually ever gives me more admiration, or not. I want to avoid the nagging feeling, that I could have done a better job of asking for what I wanted.

Marriage builders stresses being a Giver, rather than a Taker. My wife is pretty much a Taker. So one response to my Taker wife is to ask for more of what I want, and not get excessively concerned that my wife wants more than I can reasonably give her.

Similarly you have mentioned that you withhold some Admiration from your husband, because you feel he does not reasonably try to fulfill your needs and desires. I would encourage you to be direct about your important needs and desires from your husband. By being more effective in timing and wording your requests, and possibly getting more of your needs/desires met, you may feel more amenable to fulfilling your Husband's needs, perhaps including Admiration. You seem to find reasonable community standards, not met by your husband, and pose those failures to meet standards, as your reasons for withholding Admiration. This seems like manipulation of the opinions of others, rather than a discussion your true, hidden desires.

To the extent that my wife, daughter, or family members, choose not to be as effective members of my support structure, then that is on them. To the extent the I can better time and word my requests, then I can better feel that I have done my part in asking for their support. If I need to make decisions based upon their failure to be supportive, I wish to have a clearer conscience in adverse consequences.

I have read many posts about cheating on Marriage Builders, but I rarely see posted how the "Victim" of cheating felt they had been SO supportive of their spouse with Admiration.



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Is your wife cheating?

Which type of cheating do you think is important? Discreet cheating? Inconisderate cheating? Open Cheating? Multiple partner cheating? Unprotected cheating? Is Oral cheating?

The more my wife cheats, the more she might be willing to provide me Admiration, don't you think?



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Cat,


What I think "H" is trying to say here is that if his wife doesn't give him the admiration he deserves (sarcasm intended) that her "victim" status is bogus should he decide to cheat (if he hasn't already). It seems to me IMHO, that he's looking for justification.

Senator, why not just get out of the marriage and hire a cheerleader for yourself; it's much more honest. Admiration, like respect, is something which must be earned, not owed to you. If you want admiration/respect, act admirable/respectable. If you are wanting to stray from the marriage and can't help yourself, take responsiblity and own up to it...don't put this on your W and say you cheated because she wouldn't "admire" you. YOU are playing the "victim" by saying her lack of admiration controls you. That's passive aggressive.

*smacks head* Thanks, Bringiton. I hadn't even thought of that. Makes sense now. But I'll get the first question out of the way first, since he doesn't seem capable of honestly answering more than one question at a time.

Senator, is your wife spending inappropriate time of any sort with another man?

I brought up the subject of infidelity, as it relates to my motivation for asking my wife for Admiration. I would like the Admiration I desire from my family, partly as a means of reducing temptation, for me to stray.

Some posters seem to be saying that since I have to ask for the Admiration I desire, I must actually be a jerk of a husband. You seem to be saying that husbands who deserve less Admiration, should be given less Admiration, regardless of their needs for Admiration.

You seem to be advocating that wives refrain from giving Admiration, and have stated that you feel justified for withholding Admiration from your husband. Have you determined how much Admiration your husband desires? You seem to also be saying that women who withhold needed or requested Admiration from their husbands are blameless, if their husband seeks alternative Admiration sources.

If a wife is spending too much time with one or more other men, what is your suggestion of how a husband could approach the issue? Words an Phrases? Timing?






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If you have to ask for admiration, it is usually because (a) you're married to a selfish person, a Taker, or (b) you yourself are not making your spouse happy and she therefore DOESN'T admire you.

I suspect your situation is the latter.

If so, it is YOUR duty to find out HOW you don't make her happy. If you love her, you would want her to be happy, regardless of what you get out of it. If you try to make her happy just so she'll give you some strokes, she will know the difference and it will be fake admiration she gives.

Which is why I keep asking you, is your wife happy? Yes or no?

So you are saying that husbands should be given however much Admiration they desire, regardless of whether they deserve Admiration?

I'm just trying to understand.