Long time MBr, first time in this forum.

My "blended family" ... won't.

This is the single biggest stressor on my marriage, which is otherwise pretty darn decent.

After 7 years in a committed relationship, 3 years living together and just under a year of having custody of all three instead of just weekend visits with the oldest ... the kids are still his and hers.

The primary difficulty has been the change from having a weekender become a full-timer. The problems did not start right away. However, they have increased to a nearly intolerable level.

It's not her fault and I'm not blaming her.

I have really big issues with her father -- my husband -- not following through on consequences I thought we agreed on, that should apply to all.

I have issues with him seeing the faults in my two kids -- and not failing to comment on them -- while overlooking the same flaws in his own.

I feel like he's either uninvolved or overreacting all the time, rarely just interacting.

The secondary difficulty is that since my ex died, I feel like my husband is not as patient or supportive as he used to be with my two. The kids are not as close to or as friendly with him as they used to be when their dad was alive, sadly, and this is when I want them to have his understanding and positive influence the most.

He's struggling (as we all are) with making ends meet, tough economic times, being a provider, being an authority figure, depression, stress, finances are tight, job is uncertain, kids behavior and grades are fluctuating wildly, and we're just hanging on for the ride and feeling totally out of control.

The kids used to get along better before they all lived under one roof. My two squabble as brother and sister often do, but where they used to battle for their stepsister's attention, they now resent her (maybe because she yells at them more) and us (possibly because they feel she gets away with things they don't).

...

I'm hoping to just vent and sort out my frustrations here ... I'm not sure what I need as far as advice. I've read about blending families and we've talked about consistent rules and consequences but in practice ... we fail. Miserably.

You guys seriously need family counseling.

Agreed.

We haven't been since the end of the last school year ... things were fairly smooth through the summer, but everything just kinda blew up with the new school year starting.

We agree on going, but facilitating it is really difficult with our schedules, extracurriculars, time and money (provider is 45 min away and that's a half tank of gas plus the cost of the session plus two and a half hours that we all have free) ... excuses, I know, but it is really hard to schedule.

None of us are vehemently against it, though. The younger two kids don't care for counseling, but the older one brought it up herself, and hubby told me about that around the same time I was going to suggest it.

So you guys did go to family counseling before?

Is there any way all of you can sit down together and sort of DIY it? Like holding a family meeting, where each of you gets a chance to talk about whatever difficulty you're having, and then as a group you can brainstorm solutions.

I'm a big fan of bringing the children into the discussion of rules, maybe that's something that could work for your family. We're blended, but it's just mine and ours. One thing my H wanted was for me to enforce chores (that he listed) for the oldest (mine). I got slack on it, because I wasn't 100% behind it, so we sat down with MINE and asked him what chores he felt he could do, and what he thought was a fair allowance, and we all reached a mutual decision which is easily enforced by everyone because the kid put it on himself to start with!

Maybe getting the oldest in your situation to voice what she thinks her house rules should be will help your H to enforce them. Kids want to be good and they want boundaries and they want to feel that they have some say. lol, when we have to discipline OURS, who are all under age 6, we'll ask them, "So what do you think your punishment should be?" And they'll start spitting out, "No TV for the rest of the week! How about you take away the Wii? " One of them will go to his room and fill a box with beloved toys and bring them to me and say, "Here, put these in the top of your closet until I learn how to not hit my sister." lol.

It's really cool. If school mornings and after school are especially chaotic, definitely try getting the kids involved in a solution. If they own it, they're more likely to follow it.

Hey, Buttercup. If you're in a church, can your pastor help? Or rabbi? Even if you're not in a church, some pastors will help those outside their congragation. Half the cost to free.

You are a thoughtful person, so you probably already know that the death of Humperdink probably actually caused some of the friction between Wesley and your children. Some of the anger the kids feel towards their dad may end up targeted at W. Plus, there's more pressure on the relationship since the step-dad is now the only dad-type person.

Another thought I had was maybe sitting down with Westley and re-examining the "same rules-same consequences." Maybe, for a little while the children need to remain his and hers rather than ours. My SIL took custody of her sister's two kids when the sister died. My SIL is very strict, her sister was not. The two nieces got variences from some of the house rules. For example, they still got a TV in their room.

Maybe you and W decide on the obvious infractions, the ones that are cut and dry, like taking the car without permission. Then, all other "subjective" infractions are handled by the blood parent. If your child sasses W, you correct or let it slide. If his daughter gets a C-, W handles it.

PS: You may want to check out Glenn Beck's book The Christmas Sweater. It's about the last christmas before his mom died, in circs similar to Humperdink. The end message is one of forgiveness and redemption. Your kids may like it. I haven't read it yet.

Hola Princess, long time no type. I'd say 1st and foremost, I totally agree with others that counseling would be the best option. Especially when you have a child that has asked to return to it, that speaks volumes about what's going on with her.


Man oh man, I can totally relate to this one only I'm the offender. We transitioned my oldest daughter about 1.5 years ago to living with us, she was always daddy's girl. I started the trend of going light on her because "I felt sorry for her" and I don't know thought I was helping her by just giving her time to "be", you know. My wife would gripe, I'd let it go in one ear and out the other and yeah it turned into a point of frustration. It's a slippery slope cause once they start pushing through those boundaries, reigning them in is soooooooo difficult.