Dr.Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Bottom line is I either have to be able to move on as things are or divorce her. I know there was a PA and I know she lied to me about it. If the situation were reversed, I'd lie too. She thinks she's protecting me from the hurt. she is not and I explained all this to her already.

I don't agree these are your only options

I think she just thinks she can get away with hurting you like this and is being cruel.

Don't you have evidence of the affair? Why can't you just tell her what you know [allude to more] so there is no point in lying about it? In other words, instead of asking, TELL HER?

SHE WILL NEVER RECOVER AND YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER. You will not have a marriage, Jim.

I agree. I think she is just so in love and happy now that she is afraid what will happen if she admits to the A. She may think I will file for D.

I agree. I think she is just so in love and happy now that she is afraid what will happen if she admits to the A. She may think I will file for D. Her admitting to and A would be the most terrible thing she would ever have to face.

She may think I will file for D.

Her admitting to and A would be the most terrible thing she would ever have to face.

I think by allowing her get away with lying to you, you are helping her be the absolute WORST person she can be and PREVENTING RECOVERY.

Neither of you are in recovery, Jim, do you realize this?

As far as my "evidence" of SA. W and I were fooling around a few weeks prior to D-Day. There was male discharge present in her. I said nothing to her at the time but I have felt it enough times during past sessions over 17 years to know what it was. I remember specifically noticing it and thinking WTF. Then I thought it couldn't be, I must be nuts and really did not give it another thought until D-Day when it hit me. During a major MB I revealed this and she instantly made the excuse she was having her period and I was crazy. Two problems with that are I stay away when Aunt Flo is around and she got her period a week after that happened. So I have no physical evidence of SA that I can present but at the time I had evidence in hand (yuck) but I just didn't realize it at the time.

You know, that would be horrible to have your husband think such a thing WHEN IT IS NOT TRUE. Would you be willing to drop this notion that she had SEX with the OM and APOLOGIZE if she takes a polygraph? I think the least you can do is afford her an opportunity to demonstrate her honesty to you. Would you be willing to give her this opportunity? I think that would be a very kind and considerate gesture on your part.

So, with that as my only "proof", what if I am wrong? What if this is a self inflicted torture I am putting myself through?

Jim, does the OM still live in your neighborhood?

Have you spoken to his XW to find out what she knows?

Have you spoken to the OM to try and get the truth?

The rest of last night was high and low with me thinking about things. It bothered me that W did not tell me about the incoming text messages. I know she is happy with our progress and I am sure she did not want to set us back.

If it were me, I would go pay a visit to the OM and ask him to tell you HIS VERSION of what happened. Give him the illusion that your W has told you more than Then let him know that there will be severe consequences if he ever contacts your wife again.

I am sure she did not want to get in trouble.