Hi there

My hub is a sex addict, which I didn't really realize til Sept. Hes been acting out and lying the entire time. He moved me all the way down to MS near his family in august, but 2 days before the move, he got caught again cybering.

It was/is a nightmare. I have another thread with some of the stuff but the gist is that it was impossible to deal with the move, my culture shock and adjustment, some freak weather (3 hurricane remnants, resulting tornadoes, and month of rain), his new graveyard shift, and trying to gently work with his SA when he wouldn't come out and admit it was an addiction.

He actually did try to quit Aug/Sept but every time he was left alone in the house (which wasn't that often b/c I didn't have a job yet and I tried to make sure I did errands when he slept so he wouldn't be alone a lot) he would have a huge conflict and find it too difficult, and suddenly want a divorce.

I know, rather than see it is his thing, he chose to see it as a flaw in me and the relationship (how can i love her if I want to do this?) - from what I can tell this is what SAddicts do, and I shouldn't take it personally but it has pretty much broken me to see him reduce our 6 years to nothing and work to break our deep compatibility bond.

He came to his sense in Sept, and we continued to work on us. i guess we should have got WC but he said we couldn't afford MC, and it took me that whole month of gently comparing it to my quitting smoking for him to even remotely accept that he might have an addiction problem.

Then he was left alone again, and he did the same thing again! Only this time he did not come to his senses til it was too late, and he rushed me out of the house ALLL the way back to BC canada, with no credit card, very little money, no drivers license, no car, no nothing. I've in effect been abandoned with less than I came into the marriage with.

He cried at the airport and swore to work on himself and his problems and said this was a trial separation and in 2 months we'd see where things stood. Sounded good but hes alone there now with no one who can talk reason to him. Obviously his family wont want to see a problem and will "support" his bad choices.

In less than a week he was like a different person who resented having to talk to me. I had abuse (extreme namecalling and physical shoving, intimidation) from one of my relatives I am forced to stay with, and WH was SO self absorbed that he actually resented my trying to get some comfort from him! It never occurred to him that such abuse might be dangerous for me both emotionally or physically. It was all about him!

I mean how can he be so callous in less than a week? I don't understand. I don't understand any of this and I am a complete mess. I think he is gone, emotionally divorced in less than a week, in order to enable his addiction and there isn't anything I can do but send him the information on SA that I promised, and did.

We were supposed to talk x2 a week at least but I have cut that off for now because it upsets me and hurts me to hear him so cold, I feel like I never existed for him anymore and I will never see him again and that is just killing me.

So i need to look after me. I know some of you are also partners of SA and kindly helped with some resources in my other thread about healthy fantasy, and I appreciate that very much.

I am going to try this thing for partners at Recovery Nation, idk if that is good if your SA partner has abandoned you for his habit. I am getting a book "out of the shadows" - is that the best one or should I get a better one? I don't have a lot of money to spend on books and workbooks.

I tried to join a COSA yahoogroup but I didn't fit their list "am i a cosa" , i am just a spouse of a SA. I am sure I do have some co dependant issues I need to work on but I don't know if that group is for spouses or people with their own sex issues.

Also I am unsure about a 12 step anyway as I do not beleive in god, and when I read the 12 steps things like asking god to cure you of your problem seemed ridiculous to me (IMO it is up to me, not a mythical deity - might as well ask Zeus or Athena to cure, it is the same thing to me), so how does a person like me try for recovery in a program like that? Does anyone have any ideas? I am sure I cannot be the only one who has this problem.

Anyway sorry this got so long, I just dont know where else to go, I know this is not a place for addicts and SA, but I have had no luck finding a support group, preferably forum based or email based or even chat based, specifically FOR spouses. I really need help because I am in such despair. Please.

Sorry you're here. Does United Way work in Canada? Go to www.unitedway.org and see if it does. They can find you their nearest office and/or steer you to the right places to get support.

Well for now I am still staying with the relative, I don't really have a choice, and I think it should be ok if I am careful. I hope, because there is no where for me to go and WH made it clear he doesn't care what happens to me so long as I don't ask him for anything.

I am only here in Canada technically on a visit so that I don't lose my green card, and I don't know if there are any financial or other kind of help i would even qualify for. I don't even have medical coverage, so I cant get any one on one paid therapy or anything like that.

Thank you for that suggestion though. For right now, I am desperate to find more resources for my mental and emotional help, such as a good forum for Spouses of SA.

I have the book "Shattered Hearts" that was published by the patrick carnes group. I didn't get much out of it, as we had been recovering for a year at that point. If you are interested in it, I could mail it to you.

My codependency isn't overt. The need for control is my biggest issue. But I wasn't doing much of the stuff on the "am I codependant" list. I don't work the 12 steps. But the times I've needed to go to a face to face meeting, I've found it helpful to be with others in my situation. They also ask you to attend 5 or 6 meetings before you make a decision.

There's another site called no-porn.something. There's journals there of women whose husband's HAVE chosen the addiction over them. There's a couple in particular, that I'd recommend you'd read, and they are both from canada.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please don't discount not being able to pay for therapy. Could you find one that has a sliding fee system? Or do like I did, and set up a payment plan?

Thank you Inrecovery.

Here is the situation: I am legal resident of the U.S. in Mississippi with a green card.

I am in canada technically on a visit because this is where my family is and he had no where else to throw me to. I have about 400$ and no job and no income, no car, no driver's license, no credit, no credit cards.

I can stay here for a couple months, for free, but I need to pay for food etc. Because i am not a resident, i have no medical coverage, dental coverage, or any options that might come with the medical plan I am currently on via my hubs work.

So this is why I cant pay for therapy - 400$ isn't going to last very long. I am going to try to find a job but I am 43, and have been a stay at home wife for 6 years and I don't even know if I can GET a job, and how do I explain why I am not a resident?

So it isn't just the trauma of having my WH choose addiction over me, and being uprooted, I got uprooted with nothing and no resources. So I am in a state of panic over it all.

I have control issues as well and I am sure other stuff, as my mother was abusive alcoholic. Which astounds me because i seriously had no idea he was SA, so long as he could keep both me and his addiction us he was very loving and fun, everything I had wanted. I don't understand how he could just throw that away.

I will look up the no-porn thing, that does sound like it might be beneficial. I suppose there is a chance he could get help - I sent him links to SA online meetngs and Recovery Nation as well, but I am not holding my breath on it.

I don't understand this. How did he "rush you out of the house"? Aren't you married? Do you own a home together? How did this happen? What is stopping you from going back and insisting that HE leave? Then you could file for a legal separation and ask for temporary support from the courts. You were living in Mississippi right?

Lexa,

If you don't mind my asking, are you a Canadian citizen or a citizen of another country?

I ask because my DDIL is a citizen of another country and I understand some of the difficulties you may be hinting at. It took 2 1/2 years to get her green card and now she can travel to say, Canada, but ONLY for a visit.

I might have some suggestions for you.

WH2LE

First of all Lexa, there is a United Way in Canada so call them as suggested.

Second,
I assume from this you are a Canadian citizen? If so...

Did you fill out that massive form when you moved to the US? Have you been to update your old health card? If not, do you still HAVE your old health card? If you didn't update and you don't have it, is the last known address of your health card somewhere where a member of your family lives?

Here's the thing. The health card tracking system is so crappy, you can't even use it as id for anything. I was in the US 3 years and made the mistake upon my return of going in to get a new health card. At this point, they realize you left (so long as you didn't fill that 50 page or so form which nobody in their right mind would do anyway). Had I never done that, my old health card would have still been valid. If you haven't done it - DON'T!!!! Just keep the old one.

If you have done it, it's only something like 4 or 6 months before you are covered under the national health plan. You can buy insurance though right now you don't have the budget. United Way can probably help here.

Don't. If you are a citizen, that's all you need. Worst case scenario, get a job at Tims. Again, the United Way can help a lot with this. You will also qualify for social assistance, believe it or not.

because you need it right now. Get your immediate problems under control - then we can deal with this. It sucks, I know.

This is not your fault. I know it's impossible, but try to calm down and breath. One thing at a time, okay?

We are married with no assets, just a beater car and no house. We were putting off buying one until we got to MS, which was only at the beginning of August, and all hell broke loose at that time. We were just renting a temp place for 6 mos, which won't be up til Feb.

What is stopping me from going back is I have no money to go back and no where to stay. I DID try to get him to go to his family, who would be more than happy to put him up, but he refused to leave, probably because they would have not let him have internet. He said HE was paying rent and he just refused to go elsewhere at all. To him, the only solution was to get a loan and send me to back to canada, which is what he did. He just wouldn't hear of anything else.

I have no idea what my options are, to tell the truth I never expected to ever not be married to him.

Yes, I am a Canadian citizen, and that is the same with me. It took us a long time and a lot of money to get my green card as well, and I am only allowed here on a visit, which is why it mucks things up.

Technically I think he has to support me, esp if I am in the states as part of the sponsorship, but that would really piss him off so I had best be sure I never want him back if I even -breath- the idea of support to him. Honestly he cant afford it, he thought he would save all this money with me gone, but all he would save is maybe 100$ food max, as all the bills would stay the same. He took a huge pay cut for us to go there.

He just wasn't thinking straight.

Tabby thank you so much for the feedback. I know I am panicking, its just been so freaky. On the good side i do have a roof over my head for a couple months. At that time I can reassess whether hub is going for help, or if I should try to get back to the states I hate to give up my green card after what a pain it was to get, and if I can get citizen I would never have to worry on it again.

I will definitely see what I can find here in town for help - I would really like to get a job, but mostly i really need some shoulder to cry on because this is all so bewildering to me.

Thanks to Inrecovery for the suggestion of the no-porn website, I think that looks like what I have been looking for to go with Recovery Nation.

Thank you all for the feedback.

"I realized, that if I asked him to make a major change like this solely to make me happy even at a compromise to his own happiness, he would not do it. He would sever the relationship. He said so. I am shocked, because I honestly thought he meant his marriage vows, but apparently he "didnt realize what was all involved" and isnt willing to sacrifice anything important to himself in order to preserve the marriage. If I don't want to go along with his wishes, I can leave. He said it!"

The above is a quote from you from 3 and a half years ago.

I would stay where you are and get a job and forget about your husband. He hasn't changed in 3 and a half years, and actually things are worse for you. Dump him.

Okay, but do you still have your old health card? They don't know your immigration status with the US. They don't. As long as you didn't fill in that form (which you likely didn't) AND you haven't gone in to get a new card with your new address (which you likely didn't either since you are visiting), your old health card will still work.

You will also qualify for any other social program here. What it messes up is your immigration status in the US - and that's only if they find out. It doesn't change your citizenship rights here.