Yes, in my case I think a dog is non-negotiable, but he knew that going into the marriage. There was never a time when I agreed to not get a dog and am now reversing myself. So that is different from what your H did.

If I were in your position, I think I would feel resentful, and like I had been put in a position of either agreeing to something I didn't want (and that we'd both agreed to not do) or being the bad guy by saying no. A tough spot to be in. I certainly wouldn't feel happy about that, even if I "went along."

You know I'm really really big on broken promises. (Remember 4th of July firecrackers?) So I'd feel resentful if H went against our previous decision and agreed to a dog with the kids. I think if you are able to handle it with detachment instead of resentment, you are doing better than I could.

I wasn't trying to tell you that you should get a dog. I was wondering how you were able to handle the resentment, if you felt any.

ETA: The reason I asked if my insisting on a dog was a mistake on my part, was because I was wondering if it could cause a whole lot of resentment in H. Looking back, I see that may have sounded... rhetorical? leading? sarcastic?

Oh, jayne, I don't think I'd assume you were being leading or sarcastic. Not what I'd expect from you, given how we talk to each other. So I'd ask for clarification first before I assume that, I think.

I did think that you were asking about resentment. We both had a lot of resentment about our first dog. From all the enmeshment. I was mad at myself not just about getting a dog, but all the decisions along the way. You look like you are doing alot better with POJA than I was back then.

Wow, thanks for posting that this morning! How'd you know that this morning I am sleeping in, and H is taking the kids to school?

So what's up? Is something going on, or have you lost your enthusiasm for greeting the day and saying "I'm having a great day!"?

ETA: about your dog, have you ever crate-trained her? That would prolly be the best way to train her to sleep nicely in the same room as one of your kids.

Oh, I'm not sleeping in today But I sure did, oh, man. I am sure grateful I get a new chance in the present to choose my perspective!

We had a family meeting last night, and DD7 wanted Lily to sleep in her room. I just realized, Lily didn't get a vote . But it made sense for a lot of reasons to try it, and it worked really well. DD7 has a full bed, and in the morning, DD12 was in there, too, with Lily in the middle. Funny, because DD12 had grown out of sleeping with her sister, and DD7 had been trying to think of ways to get her back in there LOL. So we really found a win-win.

That's really cool, how it's turned out to be a win-win-win!

And Lily doesn't need a vote, as long as all options are at least reasonable. Dogs aren't naturally democratic; they follow the Law of the Pack, and as her Pack Leaders you and H set the rules. She will feel most comfortable following your rules rather than making up her own.

(Is it ok to DJ a dog I've never met? I mean, I'm assuming to know Lily's feelings...)

Jayne, I wanted to say, too, that we did crate train her, just that we thought the time was way too long, because she's also in the crate while we work. I go home for lunch most days to let her out, but it was still a lot of total time. I think the best solution for her would be to get her a buddy and fence the back, and let them play out there when we're not home in the day. We have a shaded porch, and lots of ducks and squirrels Lily like to chase after. How does that sound?

I think that would be great for while you're at work. Especially since you were the one who DIDN'T want a dog, and you're the one going home at lunchtime...

I had a doggie door that led into the fenced-in back yard. You can buy inserts that go into a sliding glass door that are easy to install, you basically just close the sliding glass door on the inserted panel. I think you can also get "fencing" that is free-standing, you just set it up in a square wherever you want.

Yeah, that's why I was resentful the first time, because I had played the role of the person who doesn't want a dog, but believes that the rest of the family will follow through on their commitments they made when they wanted the dog.

This time feels different; I went in with an open mind, understanding that if I agreed to this, regardless of what anyone else said, when the dog needed caretaking and no one else made themseves available, it would fall to me.

I mentioned a doggie door, but luckily H remembered that our neighbors have recurring rat problems. We both forget stuff sometimes, and that's even worse LOL. I like the free-standing fencing idea!

Eeeeek!!!!!!

Did I mention I don't want gerbils/hamsters/rodents? I used to think they were cute, then I got mice... and NOT from the petstore...

Now we have cats. Even with little boys running in and out and leaving doors open with construction nearby and fieldmice looking for warm places to winter, we had no problems. I don't know if they could take on a rat though... How big are your cats?

I don't spose your dog is one of them there rat terriers, huh?

We have no cats; I'm not a cat person, either. I would think a second dog would be easier than a cat. I mentioned I have allergies, and cats seem to be able to get themselves into more places. We do have two gerbils, which we got a year ago as dog substitutes. Peanut Butter and Oreo But fortunately Lily doesn't go after them.

LOL Dogs usually love peanut butter I thought. Good thing Lily doesn't.

For some reason I thought you had cats, and I was doubly impressed since you have allergies. Ok now I'm only singly impressed.

I found a link to some dog kennel fences:

http://www.dogkennels.com/dog-kennels/6996+6997.cfm?source=overture&kwid=dog%20kennel%20fence

If free reign inside the house during the day isn't an option, and a doggie door isn't an option (do you have a balcony that maybe rats wouldn't enter?) maybe a solution would be to keep Lily outside during the day, with shelter and food and water and some toys; exercised and quality timed when y'all get home; then to have her sleep with DD's at night.

What breed is Lily?

We don't have a balcony, but I like that idea. The dog kennel looked smaller than I had imagined, but maybe it will spark some ideas for us. I also think we could try leaving her unattended in part of the house for an hour or two, and see maybe she's growing out of the chewing phase.

I got the book Telly suggested, "Feeding the Hungry Heart." It's so funny to me, just reading it, that I'm feeling more satisfied with the food that I'm eating, not feeling like eating as much. That awareness/focus again.

I had a really, really good weekend this weekend. I've been upping the exercise, and that's really making a great upward spiral in my mood, too.

H was carsick and couldn't make Date Night Saturday, so I went to see High School Musical 3 by myself. I haven't been to a movie alone in years! The kids had already seen it Opening Day, because they were off from school, but it was something I really was looking forward to seeing, too. I offered if they wanted to come, but they were having fun watching the Halloween stuff on TV. All the signing and the dancing, it was so much fun

H didn't watch it, but he really liked the ending LOL. I'll put it in a spoiler in case anyone is going to see it (not likely, I know).

I asked H to go to the passport office with me and the kids this week, because they need both parents there to get a passport. I have wanted for years to go on a family cruise, with the kids, but we haven't been able to go, because the kids and I didn't have passports. Also I have a good friend from Barbados, who has asked us to go on trips there with her family, and we haven't been able to go. I feel really good about taking this step, asking instead of giving into my fear that there will be resistance.

H is a little suspicious about why, but he's willing to go.

Cat, thanks for sharing about your fnancial issues here. I can see alot of myself in your situation, where I have been less than honest about my love bank being shovelled out from our "agreements," which I was not enthusiastic about.


The problem was, that was a coping skill, not a life skill. Once I got past the day-to-day roller coaster to some peace and calm, I went from "How can I get through these next 12 hours" to "I am appalled at what I am keeping up for a lifetime."

Like agreeing to move to California when my love bank was already in the red and I hadn't identified what I would be enthusiastic about. I thought, maybe if he stopped the travelling, I could be enthusiastic about that. But H's assertions that there would be no travel there don't mean much when he makes those assertions here and then goes back on them. he says they are out of his control.

I agree with Dr. H that Alanon prepares folks for divorce, not marriage. Which makes total sense, because when someone is ill like that, they are going to be gone, in one form or another, so it is kinder to learn to live with that knowledge when someone's decided to stay in a situation like that.

H had an idea for Thanksgiving this year, that we help at a soup kitchen. I think that's a great idea for folks who like to do that, but really I like doing Thankgiving as a sit-down thing, with our family and friends, like we do every year. I volunteer a lot in other ways, like helping out at the kids' schools, and working in Sunday School, but the soup kitchen doesn't appeal to me. I figure that works out, since there are lots of folks who wouldn't like to help with kids.

H isn't enthusiastic about this, and I'm kind of at a loss. Since his mom passed, he and his brother down here drifted apart, they get together to watch football games at the sports bars, which they did the weekend before last, but no longer for holidays. And he doesn't like being around my extended family. I would be willing to make a Thanksgiving dinner for just us, but he's really disappointed in me that I'm not into the soup kitchen idea.

How about if you did the soup kitchen thing just once. There are lots of holidays (easter, christmas, thanksgiving). You could give one up, maybe to do it his way?

Around here, they do a city-wide soup kitchen at our convention center. The volunteers start at 7am in the morning, and work shifts. Wouldn't it be a win-win if you got your turkey started, went to work at the thing from 10 to 1, and came back and had dinner at 4 or 5? It sure would be a wonderful gift to your daughters, to let them experience helping people in such a thoughtful way.