Alright, you all know the ugly story. I strongly suspected my husband was having an affair, lots of signs. He denied my direct direct questions and called me paranoid. I kept things to myself and watched him as he dug his hole deeper and deeper knowing I was right. Well it all boiled down to the one night I intercepted a message left on his cell phone voice mail while he was in the shower. I played the message for him, and it was only at this time that he confessed to the affair and begged for forgiveness. This has been well over a year.

I have tried to forgive and work on this marriage since we have been married for over 20 years. We have two adult children.

I was not a member of this board at the time of the affair, but I insisted he let her know there was never to be any contact from her ever again. I told him if he wanted to remain married to me then he would never go back on this or I was walking out. We cried and yelled a lot over this for a good month. Then the yelling gave way to discussion about why it happened and how my entire world had changed in one voice mail. He said he accepted how he destroyed my trust and would work every day to make up for his unfaithfulness.

He has truly tried to atone for his actions since the night it all came to a head. He has been attentive, open with his associations, and he picks up on my feelings almost like he has fine tuned his radar. He was always a thoughtful person during our marriage except for this extreme act of betrayal.

My problem? I can't seem to let myself let this go. I do not like him befriending any females whatsoever. I feel myself being uncomfortable if he mentions another woman in conversation even casually.

I have really felt like I am sabotaging my own marriage lately. He received a phone call from a woman he works with asking him to check out a used car she is buying because he used to shade tree mechanic. I could not help myself, I began to feel that old feeling of anxiety and erupted. I told him no, it was not his place to be concerned with another woman and what her choices are period. We argued about it for a few minutes. However, even though I was flaming mad like a match had been thrown on a pile of dry hay, he seemed calm through the argument. He kept trying to reassure me and he talked pretty calm through the whole ordeal.

I think I really made a blow to this marriage though. I could not, or would not, make myself shut up and listen reasonably to the things he was saying to me. I was seeing the hurt and rage and jealousy of what has been ripped away from my marriage. I ended up throwing in a line about I am still raw from what you did to me with the OW throwing in the day, date and time of the confirmation. I have done this twice now in arguments. I know it undermines any progress we have made. I can't make myself stop. I do think about the event often, and it occupies so much of my mind to the point of being consuming.

How do I stop this?

You say you are about one year out?

The good news: you are about halfway through the recovery curve.

The bad news: you are about halfway through the recovery curve.


The average recovery takes about two years. AVERAGE.


Why don't you pick up a copy of Surviving an Affair, or After the Affair, and do a little reading?

It's normal to have the worries and the triggers you are experiencing. It's also a pretty good idea that he not have private contacts with women. Just keeps things safe - we call those "Extraordinary Precautions". EPs are things the former waywards can do to help make the Betrayed Spouse feel safer about the marriage, and also helps the FWS protect themselves from possible future affairs.

EPs might also include:

checking in on whereabouts
calling if plans change
opening up cellphone and email passwords and bills for the BS
allowing access to all texts, emails, and computers for the BS
not having private meetings with the opposite sex alone
not going out to bars or clubs without the spouse
not going on overnight trips without the spouse


The couple has to make agreements about these things IN ADVANCE, so that the betrayed spouse does not reach an event and then everyone ends up losing it (we call those love busters).

If you both sit down and talk about how you want him to handle interactions with other women, about how you feel about these things, then both of you will KNOW it beforehand. And you two can agree on how to do things. No fighting - PREPLANNING instead.

hopeful:

Schoolbus gives you good advice. A wayward spouse can have no clue what it feels like to be on the other side of the A. I find that there are triggers that drive me crazy. When I see the same type and color of car that the OM drives, it triggers my emotions. Same thing when I drive by a place where I know my WW and OM simply chatted. WW has said that we need to move forward, almost implying that I need to get over it. That is like telling someone to get over being raped.

You are not alone in feeling the way you feel. Just this past week I told WW the exact date and time when her A was exposed and that for the rest of my life, I will never forget that time and date. Everyone you know can probably tell you exactly where they were when they heard about the 9/11 attacks, the space shuttle exploding or JFK being killed (I wasn't born but you get the idea). It is the same thing. A tragic event you will never forget.

You do need to control those love busting moments and not explode. It is hard to do. If you know 98% of a story, your mind will fill in the other 2% with the worst case senario.

Hang in there.