Good day. So, I've been divorced for a couple months now. My XW left me in March of '07 and was cheating on me since December of '06. Just last week I get this message from her......


I am sorry for everything. I know how hard this is for you and I hate it. I wish I could take it from you. I am sad that it has ended the way it has. Take it or leave, but I mean it. I love you (my name). Hopefully we can have some kind of relationship...someday. Not just for (our son), but because we have been through a lot. Maybe one day, you will forgive me.


....... So, what the hell is that supposed to mean? We haven't been close or intimate in over a year and a half. I only see her once maybe twice a week when we exchange our son. I don't talk to her or answer her calls anymore. She is still with the OM that she left me for.

She knows how angry, hurt and just down I am. So, why would she send me something like that. I just don't get it. What do you all think?

Thanks,
Rummi

Renter's Remorse?

She wants you to acknowlege her OM as a "legitimate" relationship.

Tell her to ****edit****

The fog is lifting, her new relationship is now in reality with real world problems. She is realizing how bad she f'd up and is testing to see if she can come back to you. She is now unhappy and thinks you are doing fine without her. Tell her to ****edit****

Well the theory around here is that after two years the affair begins to implode. Going by that, you're pretty durn near two years.

Do not reply.
Do not even acknowledge that you recived it unless asked.

If you ignore it, it wont be the last time she contacts you.

best response -

trophy wife who will be your DS step mom 50% of the time.

Other advice given - may not be Political correct but it would be poetic justice.

Either her relationship with OM is crumbling and she's putting out feelers knowing that you are still down about your failed M or she trying to salvage some image of decency in her screwed up mind that today she isn't the same POS used to be. Sucks to be her.

Regardless of how you proceed. Keep records (proof) of all the communications. Maybe throw her a glimmer of hope to see where she will go with it?

A simple reply:

We'll see

I'd have to know know what she was up to, her goal here.

Either way, your in the drivers seat.
How quickly it goes from paradise to parasite.

Rummi,

Apart from the rather fun flights of fancy several posters have offered to you, I think you might to make some reply.

I don't know your feelings about her. If it is to maintain a sort of Plan B darkness, then ignore the email. If it is to remain "civil" for the sake of your child, then perhaps a response is appropriate beyong the tempting "up yours".

Perhaps: "Thanks...I think" suggesting you have no confidence in her words.

The ever popular with my kids anyway "Whatever".

To "thanks, but you don't have a clue." Sort of cryptic, however, the BUT says not really.

You know that she is not serious about loving you as she is with OM. OF course you also know he is going to be on the skids if she thinks she is still "loves you".

You could remind her that there is no chance of a "relationship" as long as OM is in the picture.

I really think the choice to respond or not, depends on your future goals with regard to her and your child.

God Bless,

JL

I am sorry for everything. She is looking back and realizing that what she had with you was far better than what she has now. The fantasy has burst, and this is not really an apology TO you, but more a reflection on her being "sorry" about her own choices, what she has done, and what she gave up. She speaks here to her realization that she basically made the completely wrong decisions about EVERYTHING. And now, she is sorry about it all.

I know how hard this is for you and I hate it. Interesting choice of words here. She is telling you that NOW she understands how hard it is for you, being with someone who does not treat you well. I venture to say that the relationship has tarnished, and she is seeing things very clearly - and is now comparing her own position to what she has done to you. I wonder if her OM has his own new OW???? And, the statement "I hate it" tells me that she has personal pain here. Very personal. Brings her into the picture as a BS in some way, and makes me wonder what has happened in her new relationship, or if her ability to reflect on what she has done has actually come into some clarity somehow. Perhaps there has been an experience in her life that slapped her upside the head. If I were to respond, this is the one thing I would ask for elaboration on. See my example reply.

I wish I could take it from you. Here, she is showing some empathy for your pain. Like I said, somehow, at least at the moment of the writing, she has realized you actually still hurt. I am wondering about what has triggered this?

I am sad that it has ended the way it has. She should be sad. She caused it. In fact, the sentence really goes more to the idea that she is sorry it ended at all.

Take it or leave, but I mean it. When someone says "take it or leave it", they usually are expecting that you doubt what they have just said, or what they are about to say. Here, I think she means that she wishes she could take away your pain. Somehow, I think she already believes you KNOW she still loves you, which is the next sentence. So, on that idea, I analyze that she has not shown that she understands your need for her to do something to remediate your pain - at least here, she acknowledges that she WANTS to, that she is sorry for how things ended, and that she is to blame.

I love you (my name). Interesting. Here, stuck in the middle. Where often the whole meaning of the message is hidden, where you aren't supposed to focus.

Look here. Because in the grand scheme of this communication, she still had this to say.

Hopefully we can have some kind of relationship...someday. Not just for (our son), but because we have been through a lot. She is trying to get through to you, beyond the single connection that you have allowed, which is your son. She wants to get beyond the child, and back to .... something she cannot say here. But she wants to say it.

Maybe one day, you will forgive me.
And finally she asks. This is a plaintive little cry. I can see her with tears, hoping that you will know what she really wants, without her coming out and telling you.


Rescue me.



So, despite your anger and your hurt, she really has gotten what she was due. There is not a need for you to get back at her. The universe, karma, whatever, has unfolded as it should...and she is certainly getting her payback, her just rewards.


IF there were to be a response, and if I were to send a letter and I did NOT want her back:

Dear EX,

Thank you for the apology. I had a few questions about it, because I wondered why you sent it now, and what might be happening in your life to trigger thoughts of apologies, and a sudden understanding of my pain now, after all this time. I do appreciate it though, considering the circumstances. It is hard for me to understand, and I admit it is hard for me to accept right now.

In your letter, you said you "know how hard this is" for me. I am wondering why you said that, and what you meant by that? I think it's important for me to understand "how" you know, because as you said, someday it might be important for us to have an expanded relationship - and I think my understanding what you are saying here is very important towards that end.

I, too, wish you could take the pain away from me. I'm also sad that our relationship ended the way it did. But you need to remember that the choice to have a third person in the marriage and to leave the relationship was not mine. Our marriage ended because it could not survive the existence of another man in your life. As for our having a continued relationship, and your telling me "I love you", it is difficult for me to consider these concepts as long as you are with your affair partner. When you speak of knowing "how hard this is" for me, certainly you take that into account?

Finally, I know that you ask me to forgive you. Believe me, I would like nothing better than to be able to forgive you, too. Forgiveness also requires something of you, too, doesn't it? I mean, if you stole my television and then asked me to forgive you, wouldn't part of my forgiving you require you to give it back, or offer some form of restitution?

It is difficult to forgive you when every day you continue on with a relationship that hits me in the gut with your affair. When every day I am reminded that your infidelity resulted in the demise of our marriage, your love for me, and the break-up of the home of our child.

So you will have to forgive me, if I am not so fast on the forgiveness track. It's taking me some time.


As for our future relationship, that will unfold in time. For now, let's just go on and see what happens.

SB

JL,

I think you may have misjudged (at least) my response to Rummi. You see ... I WAS SERIOUS.

I understand that my personality is a little stronger than most of the BH's here, and I have a lot more potential to hold a grudge than I do to forgive. I'm just more of an eye for an eye type when it comes to something this personal.

In situations like this, I just don't think you can discount "GOLDEN" opportunities when they arise. Rummi has an opportunity to re-TAKE something that was TAKEN from him, and I think it is, at the very least, worthy of consideration.

This is VERY dirty business, and at times, taking the high road, as is most often advocated here, is greatly OVERRATED!!!

Just my 2 cents ... I may not be RIGHT, but I also don't see it as WRONG, either.

Excellant analysis and response. Would be interesting to see XW response from this response.

Thanks for the responses everyone. Still not sure if I'm going to respond to this whole thing or not. I am a very angry person. I do like the use and abuse responses.

Schoolbus - excellent break down of it. thanks. I have been piecing it apart myself and this is how I am taking it.....



I am sorry for everything. I know how hard this is for you and I hate it. Give a sh*t. You have no fking idea how I feel.

I wish I could take it from you. I am sad that it has ended the way it has. There is nothing that you could do to take away the pain that you have caused to me or our son. It ended the way that it has because you wanted it to.

Take it or leave, but I mean it. I love you (my name). I know that you do. But it doesn't mean a whole lot to me now. As long as your still with him, give a sh*t.

Hopefully we can have some kind of relationship...someday. Not just for (our son), but because we have been through a lot. So, basically you want to go do whatever the h*ll you want now, and later in life I'm supposed to just accept it all and take you back. Screw that, you're damaged seconds to me now.

Maybe one day, you will forgive me. Forgiveness is for someone that shows remorse for what they have done. You clearly couldn't care less. As long as you are still with someone else and don't want to try to work it out, there can be no forgiveness.


So, as you can see, I am still very bitter and angry. She has called me late at night the past few months just to talk, because she misses talking and hanging out. Again, I don't even answer it, she just leaves a message. She usually says she doesn't want me to hate her and wishes we can be friends. bah.

Thanks,
Rummi

MyRev,

Personally, I fully believe that somehow life will offer me an opportunity to "do them a favor", if you know what I mean.

Perhaps Rummi will get the opportunity that you all discussed, I personally would not take it because I don't need the disease nor the hassle. Not that I would be above "doing him a favor" if the opportunity passed. It just don't think doing what I condemn is really favorable to me.

Of course I doubt the OM really loves Rummi's W. I think he is using her and as such would not be nearly as hurt as I would like to see him. Someone just posted an amazing description of how many predator men see women " a life support system for a vagina" A man like that isn't going to be hurt as the BS was with cheating.

I used the term "flights of fansy" because really most revenge scenarios are really that.

I do believe that the best revenge is a life well lived. I think Rummi will find soon that either she cheats on OM or OM cheats on her. Couldn't happen to a better couple.

As I said just my perspective. I love to see the Karma Cement Truck come bombing down the hill.

God Bless,

JL

Very true JL....

I was told by people that knows the OM that he is just a POS and uses women and leaves them. Everyone tried to warn my XW away, but oh well. She wanted it, she chose it. I too see them cheating on each other, if they haven't already like someone earlier pointed out.

To me, it's over and in the past. Moving forward with my life. Everything was going well, then BAM, get a message like that. Just struck me as odd, and how should I really read it.

Thanks,
Rummi

JL,

I hope you understand that I'm not arguing with you, just offering a different perspective.

I like the thought of Karma ... I just don't believe in it. I've always thought that we make our own luck, and most times when that happens, its because we take advantage of an opportunity that unexpectedly presents itself.

Shoot ... maybe that's what Karma really is??? I sure don't have all the answers.

Anyway, I think you may have misjudged my motivations ... while I like to toy with the idea of revenge on OM, and if I felt about my xWW/OM like Rummi seems to, then I definately have it within me to act on such an opportunity. But you see, I wouldn't be doing it TO them, as much as I would be doing it FOR me.

It would be impossible for me to inflict anywhere near as much pain on OM, because he doesn't have the same level of investment. It would be much more of a "reclamation" project for me, which I doubt many will comprehend, but its very real to my mind.

I recognize that I have it better than probably 95+% of the posters here, and I still have not recovered from the hit to my own self-respect. I can only imagine the bitterness and rage that someone like Rummi feels, whose WW actually left them for the OM.

I agree completely that living well is the best long term revenge, but most of us were blindsided in an instant, and there is something about "swift and unexpected" justice that I believe would do wonders to salve my battered self-respect.

MyRev,

Don't worry, I don't view any of this as an arguement but rather a discussion of many aspects of the fall-out from an affair. There is the revenge factor that I am sure just about everyone who has ever been shafted has running through their head. There is the reality that often the revenge will not happen or not happen as one would wish.

Then there is the reality that often the WS does end the affair or the relationship goes badly and they do some fishing in the BS's water to see if there is a nibble, which is what Rummi is dealing with.

MyRev I always find your comments challenging so don't worry about what I think. I do believe in Karma, but I also believe in the old statement:
MyRev and Rummi for that matter, while I realize that being hit with an affair, does affect self-esteem, I look at you two and see guys that should have a lot of it. You two have come through the crucible survived and prospered. You need to realize what you have done. It really is impressive.

I do believe that bad character leads to bad results. Some call that Karma, I do to occasionally, but really there are predictable results for people with bad character. In the end, they are left with themselves to deal with.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Folks,

A friendly reminder - Please do not post about sexual acts even in "code"

It takes a LOT of moderator effort to keep this family friendly.

As hilarious as it was considered by the posters who did it, please be more respectful and considerate of your fellow forum members.

Thank-you.

At this time, I would not respond at all. But I must admit, if you feel compelled to respond, this would be excellent.

Says it all. Verry profesional, not warm and fuzzy, but not cruel either. Just buisness like.

But, you might also consider leaving her a voice mail with somthing like the following on it.

[Styalized voice of Tobin Bell on]

(Staticky noise)
Hello (X-Wifes name here), I want to play a game.
(Staticky noise)
So far in what could loosely be called your life you've made a living using others for your own happieness. Society would call you an adulturor, a cheat, a lier. I call you unworthy of the gifts you possess, of the love that you've been given. Now we will see if you are willing to look inward rather than outward to give up the one thing you rely on in order to begin to repair the damage you have done.
(Staticky noise)
The person that you had your affair with is like a slow-acting poison in your veins. The antidote is inside the hearts of those you have hurt. But, there hearts have been locked to you - the combination to those locked hearts is written on the wall, but can you see it. Repent, or dont. make your choice.

Let the game begin.

[Styalized voice of Tobin Bell off]


Sorry, I watched Saw and Saw-II last night.