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I think you misunderstood me. You need HER to fill out HER LB questionnaire on what YOU are doing that SHE doesn't like.

Why?

Because there is something missing in your marriage that made her feel like she needed to go somewhere else to get it.

If you were not pissing her off somehow, and you were already meeting all her ENs, going out with the girls all the time would NOT be appealing to her. She'd be getting home every day from work, looking forward to spending time with YOU.

Why is that not happening?

Until you can fix that, going out will continue to look better to her than staying home (or going out) with YOU.

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I think you misunderstood me. When I said "we" did them I meant both of us.

The last sentence of my reply was in a general reply to earlier posts in the thread.

I would love to have an opportunity to stop doing her lovebusters, but right now I dont have much of a chance.





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I realized what you said, but you also were talking about whether she would stop LBing you. You're the only person here, the only one working on your relationship. So it all has to start with YOU dropping LBs against her, then meeting her ENs...looking like a good catch, kwim?

Find the material here about Plan A. Many people are doing it apart. A little harder, but you can be creative and look for opportunities to keep looking good in front of her. Even if it's just something you do for her family or friends, and they relay back to her how nice you were.

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Yes, I am doing what I can to stop doing her LBs.

I think one of my points I was trying to make is that she had pretty much drained all of my love bank and I am on the verge of not giving a crap anymore.

It has been a couple weeks since I posted the thread, here is the update.

She agreed that we need to negotiate and set some boundaries that are a core need in a relationship. Basically, we came to a middle ground. Set limits to how late she can stay out when she goes out, prescribed check in times and a few other things. In return I would not bombard her with text messages, and it was on me to not freak out when she is out. I felt like it was a good compromise for starters.

Anyways, so during that week following she went out twice and both times she did not adhere to our agreement in several places both times. So basically it did not work. Apparently she knew how bad she screwed up and avoided me.

She has decided that she really needs to figure her stuff out (which is true) because she is treating me like crap (which she is) and she needs time away.

For the past 10 days she has been gone maybe 4 nights and come home at midnight 2 other times, essentially limiting our interaction severely. The time she was here she did not really want to talk, and i did not really want to talk to her. When i tried we just got into things/argument.

I cant really see how we can have any normal or positive time together in a situation like this.

She continues to talk about a more formal separation as something we should be considering, but we are on a different page there. To me if we separate there is a 85% chance we will not get back together. To her she thinks it would be a good thing, and she claims that she just wants to be able to date me again/start over. She also claims if we separated that she would not see anyone else or anything. Not sure i believe that.

I finally told a friend of mine about our problems today. I hope it helps because it was really starting to weigh on me to just keep all this 100% bottled up and not mention a word to anyone. I do not plan on telling more people anytime soon, although i wont be able to avoid it if we separate.

I apologize if the direction of this is sending this towards being a better fit for another forum on this site.

Last edited by 88life; 10/26/08 12:31 AM.




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...Set limits to how late she can stay out when she goes out, prescribed check in times and a few other things. In return I would not bombard her with text messages, and it was on me to not freak out when she is out. I felt like it was a good compromise for starters.

Anyways, so during that week following she went out twice and both times she did not adhere to our agreement in several places both times. So basically it did not work. Apparently she knew how bad she screwed up and avoided me.

Listen mate, get snooping and uncover the details of her affair. I will eat my hat if your W is not having an affair with another man. Before anything in your marriage can change you need to deal with this monster. My WW was doing all of the things that yours is doing now before I discovered OM and I never thought in a million years that the gentle, mild, caring and family oriented girl that I met and married would run off with another man, but she did. Snoop, then expose and get Plan Aing.

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She has decided that she really needs to figure her stuff out (which is true) because she is treating me like crap (which she is) and she needs time away.

She has decided to "separate" from you so that she can legitimize her affair and carry it on unhindered, all the while keeping you as a fallback option. Heaven forbid that you would discover the details and expose her as an adulteress. Get the monster that is her affair dealt with first then overcome all of your Love Busters.

I hate being proven wrong, but I hate being proven right even more and I am afraid for your sake that I am about to be proven right. Best of luck my friend. If she knows she is treating you like a piece of dogsh1t yet continues to do so anyway then this tells you what you need to know.

take care,

GH31


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13½ years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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88life Offline OP
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If she is cheating then it does not really matter. I will just take the loss and move on. Honesty and Truth is my #1 Emotional Need. I am not sure we can ever reconcile if that is the case. I hope you are wrong, i think you are wrong, but you might be right.

Over the past few months (when things have been getting bad) I do have a gauge on where she is and who she is with. The people has changed, etc over time. She definitely could be cheating, she clearly has had a ton of chances to do so. I honestly don't think she is physically cheating, but emotional cheating or whatever they call it on these boards could very well be happening.





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If she is going clubbing all the time, it's almost impossible if she were NOT screwing another guy. Maybe just in the bathroom of the club, but there nonetheless.

Sorry for the graphic conversation, but you need to wake up and do what's right - hire the PI and get it over with one way or the other. If she turns out to be innocent, you will HAVE to get her to agree not to go out any more. That simply is NOT tolerable in a relationship. If she's not out screwing yet, she will be. I guarantee she has a reputation at those clubs she goes to.

Hire the damm PI.


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If she is cheating then it does not really matter. I will just take the loss and move on. Honesty and Truth is my #1 Emotional Need. I am not sure we can ever reconcile if that is the case. I hope you are wrong, i think you are wrong, but you might be right.

Over the past few months (when things have been getting bad) I do have a gauge on where she is and who she is with. The people has changed, etc over time. She definitely could be cheating, she clearly has had a ton of chances to do so. I honestly don't think she is physically cheating, but emotional cheating or whatever they call it on these boards could very well be happening.

Hey 88,

Believe me mate, there is a world of difference between before and after you discover her adultery - but you need to know. And this "emotional" cheating will virtually always lead to physical cheating if the opportunity is there. And if your WW is gone for long periods of time then it's a given.

The reason these veteran posters know this is that we are all wired to behave in this way, and we will all do it under certain conditions. These patterns have been seen time and time again and an affair is always in the offing, even more so if the WS cries "separation".

Hire the damn PI and get the facts. Then you will have some decisions to make.


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13½ years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 112
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88life Offline OP
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She is not going "clubbing". That is not what I said.

I think my care factor is turning now.





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Originally Posted by 88life
She is not going "clubbing". That is not what I said.

I think my care factor is turning now.
I'm confused. Your first post:

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But I am not fine when 100% of her time away she is parting at bars and not coming home until wee hours of the night.

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do you know the "girls" she is going out with?
have/do you ever talked with them?
do they avoid contact with you?
do you know what club your wife is going out to?
do you know if she is really even going to a club?


seems like there's alot of unaswered questions still surrounding her behavior.

She doesn't want to negotiate because she's got the best of both worlds right now, going out and having fun with other and then coming home to the security of being with you. Something had to give before she will be forced to make a decision as to where she wants to spend her time.


me -37 sahd
ww -33 executive
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88life Offline OP
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I know what bar(s) she goes to. They are dive bars; a far cry from what I think of when someone says "clubbing".

Anyways, I have confirmed that there is something going on; there is an OM (or whatever the acronym people use here). I will be confronting her today in a few hours if/when whenever she finally comes home; proposing a plan A.

If someone knows of a good post in these forums on how to approach laying out a plan A that sticks, one that she will understand, please let me know. I know she will flip when she finds out about the snooping, which is obviously not the important thing in the grand scheme of things. I have been browsing around, but have not found anything super useful.





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Plan A is not anything that you negotiate, or that she agrees to. It is something that YOU do.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

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88life Offline OP
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I thought plan A was that the cheater breaks it off with the cheatee and has no contact? Then at the same time i do as many positive things i can (avoid LB, address needs).

I can easily be confused about plan A because most of the reference in the articles and posts hear do not make it clear how you go about it.

been together 7 years, married for 2. no kids.





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You do as many positive things as you can and show her what a good husband you can be. But don't count on her ending the affair. Usually that doesn't happen right away.

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88life Offline OP
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Yea, so i guess i have been doing that, or doing it the best i can for weeks now.

Today i found out about the affair. I need to address it and hope that she will stop.

According to this page it sounds like phase A is:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

From reading that I disagree with you saying that there is no negotiation is plan A.

Confused.....





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You need to post on general questions. Yes, you do Plan A, expose the affair and stop the LB's. But you really don't negotiate with your wife to stop the affair. That hardly ever works, because she most likely WON'T stop right away.

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For those that may be interested in following the saga, it continues here





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