I checked the cell phone bill and found a call to WW from an unknown number. My WW is not a talkative person and most of her calls are no more than 5 minutes. This was a 22 minute call. I could not get a listing from a pretty good source. A call to the number revealed a male answering. I said sorry, wrong number and hung up.

There goes my mind! Filled in the blanks with bad things.

It festered all day and I came home from work in a mood and she knew it. I was rude. I had mentioned triggers in the past and when she asked what was wrong I snapped and asked her about the call. Turns out it was a totally legit call.

I tried to explain and apologize but she was pretty torqued. It was my first LB in almost three months and now I feel awful. The two sides can be "I am justified because of what was done to me" or "I was wayyyy wrong". She said I should have just asked her nicely. However when I have tried to ask about things in the past she would say we need to move forward.

I need to end EP's. My mind cannot stop filling in the blanks with bad things.

Jim, the only thing you did wrong here was being RUDE to her. It was not EPs that caused the problem, but your rudeness. EP's are necessary if you want to affair proof your marriage. Not having them in the past is what enabled your W to have an affair. You should continue to check up on her and live lives of complete transparency.


"Moving forward" means that you change your ways and live lives of complete transparency in order to prevent another affair. It would be going BACKWARDS to not practice EP's; you can see where that got you in the past, right? Putting your heads in the sand is not "moving forward."

Have you verified the information she gave you about the phone call?

another logical reason why you need FACTS.

Agree completely with Mel here. The EPs are not the problem, the problem was the way you handled things.

Next time, how about this:
I noticed this call on the bill, who was that from?

After her answer:
Thank you so much for telling me, and being open with your cellphone habits, that means a lot to me. I still get REALLY upset by things like this. I was freaking out. I was terrified. My mind was making up all kinds of things. You have no idea how much safer I feel knowing I can look at the bill and ask you questions about it.


REWARD her for transparency with the bill, don't punish her with LBs.

Water under the bridge now, don't beat yourself up over it - but do apologize to her and let her know that you acted angrily because of fear. Not as an excuse, mind you, but so that she knows you were *afraid* of the possible implications of the call and not the fact that she talked for 22 mins in a legit conversation with a male at an unfamiliar number.

Why does she have a cell phone?????