I know you will say I can do it
I know you will say what am going through is normal and you have all gone through it

But please just let me vent, I feel like I have no life left.
I don't want to love him anymore
I don't want to care about him, or miss him

I fantasize he goes away somehow and declines parenthood to my son
So divorce will be final and complete
So i don't have to deal with him
So I don't have to deal with his family
i wouldn't have to deal with his new partner or her family

Now, If I stay, I have to find a way to accept him on my life
If i go, I'll have to share the limited time i have to see my baby boy, I will have to miss some christmas, thankgiving, birthdays and other important events "oh, he is with his father this holiday"
I can not even imagine being a whole weekend without seeing my baby, let alone seeing him only 50% of the time.
He is not settle on his new apartment yet and needs to buy a crib, etc, so my baby is with me until this weekend. then we need to make baby arrangements. No! I can't do it, my baby needs me and i need him.

I hate this reality, I am between a rock and a hard place.
I don't know how to deal with all this pain, it overwhelms me. it takes over and i can hardly breath whether I cry or not.

I don't know how to deal with the anger, it escalates to rage and comes with pain, guilt and self pitty. plain desperation
I twist like a crazy person, then I panic someone will realize my state of mind and try to remove my baby from me.

Damn therapist says I need anti-anxiety drugs. I don't even drink tylenol for headaches. I had my son at home, no drugs.

no drugs, I need to brake my co-dependency, that is what i have to do. i need to learn, I need to practice, i need to become.

so, tell me this, how do you cope with the anger and pain that comes from the betrayal of the affairs. how do I deal with the indignation, anger, shame and pain I feel when i realize, for example, he was with her when he told me he was going to a training on anuther city. I stayed alone taking care of the baby, waiting for him while he spent monies on a little honeymoon with his lover. took her for dinner, brought her jewelry. what do I do with all the poison that goes through my body when those images come to mind. i am not asking how to stop the images, but how to deal with the feelings that come with it

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lost}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

First, pray. Hold onto God like a drowning person. I'll look up some verses for you in a minute.

Then, could you post a short timeline of what's happened?

How long have you been married, is it just the one baby, when did the A start, have you done Plan A, etc.

I know first-hand that the MB methods work. They are your very best chance to recover your marriage, and yourself, too. Your feelings of helplessness will diminish a great deal once you have a plan.

I've been where you are. How well I remember one day, being left home with our 3 small children, sick and throwing up, while he went on a call from work, then stayed out to have breakfast with her. I sat by the computer and cried and cried when I saw the charge pop up on his bank account, and knew instantly where they had been, how much he had spent, everything but what they had eaten.

Now, he tells me many times each day that he loves me. He prays with me and for me. He is nothing like the man he became during that time.

I know you're hurting, but don't give up hope. God is with you in this, and many of us are here for you, too.

I like Psalm 35 too-

1 Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.
2 Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

3 Brandish spear and javelin [a]
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

4 May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

5 May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

6 may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

7 Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

8 may ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

9 Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

10 My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD ?
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

11 Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked [b] ;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

17 O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

19 Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

20 They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

21 They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

22 O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

25 Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

26 May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

27 May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

28 My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

You've already been given good prayer advice.

I'd like to add this:

Go for walks, vigorous invigorating walks. You can put your baby in a stroller and just go like the wind. Put some music in your ear and sing as you walk.
Exercise is good for the mind and the body.

This IS the place to vent and get good suggestions from those that have walked in your shoes.

I can't say I know what you're going through cause my kids were older when we were going through this mess. I didn't have to hand over a baby for visitation and can only imagine how difficult that would be. That would have been an extremely hard thing for me to do too.

My best suggestion would be to use that time for YOU TIME! Do some nice things for yourself that are difficult to do with a small child. Go get a manicure or pedicure, go shopping, go to the library or book store and get something to read. Go see a movie & get together with some girlfriends for lunch or coffee. Work on the baby's baby book or scrapbook. Do things that take your mind off what you are missing and find something enjoyable to do FOR YOU!

Keep venting here. You'll find some suggestions you can use.....

Here's my fav from Longfellow. It's a good life mantra.

"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". - Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.

Here's one that JT gave me in the beginning of my hard Plan A.

Isa. 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar with wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear."

Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

This was given to me by Mark during one of my hardest times.

Jamesus gave me this to help me through during the hard times.

Thank you everybody, I am much better now and better everyday... I changed my display name...