I thought I would open a thread over here since I got so much help over on the other board.

Here is my story. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=152675&Number=2118375#Post2118375

I am new to this so I am sure any advice will really help me out.

Thanks

What kind of advise are you looking for? Legal? Custodial? Personal recovery?

Awww, 6YL, it made me sad to see you here. fwiw, I think you're already doing a great job. Just keep the conversation flowing.

your thread was 40+ pages so I didn't read but the last few... can you summarize the circumstances behind the $100k handover and her subsequent trip to spain?

was that alimony?

my XW has her own issues but dang $100k is a good chunk of change... i sure hope you didn't reply to that email where she said she would work out her family issues when she got back

some things are better off not being said

He just gave her that to start her new life without the family. Cos he's that kind of guy. So all she sees is a big wad of money that will never end.

oops, sorry, take it away, 6YL! ;0

Sorry for the lack of summary, I'll post one later today. I totally didn't realize that my old thread was 40 pages.

Ok here is a brief summary, I'm mostly looking for help with making the recovery from the D go well for the children..

xW had a year long A 10 years ago and never really came back to the marriage. I just buried the whole situation. About 2 months ago we started to work on the situation but discovered that we didn't even want to get to the same kind of M. So we D and I gave her a one time 100k payment. She decided to spend some time in Tuscany to find herself or something.

I have full custody and can determine wether she gets any visitation at all. She has not asked for any meetings with the children so far.

I'm working on myself in counseling and family counseling as well.

Charlie,

The 100k was the divorce settlement, I didn't have to do it but as CatPerson said, I could not live with myself if I just gave her nothing.


The trip to Tuscany is a surprise only in the specific location, I did expect her to disappear for a while to get her new life going and because she is very immature.

I did reply to the letter but it was very brief, no more money, no more contact message.

6, it takes time to get over it, even though you've been in the process for years. It's probably best for you that she's going overseas. You will miss her. But as time goes on, you will become accustomed to her being gone. Because she's so far, you won't have to worry about accidentally bumping into her for awhile - which tends to take one back to the beginning. For now, concentrate on your family and making new traditions that become routine. You've done all you can in that chapter, now it's time to turn the page and begin a new one.

Thanks Tabby,

As far as I know the trip to Tuscany is still on for Saturday, xMIL made sure she has a place to stay.

On the family front things are just getting better and better here. The kids seem happier since they are not waiting for contact and being disappointed.

I just have to say I'm very inspired by your story. Thanks for putting your children first.

Thanks,

xW did fly off to Tuscany without bothering to contact the children. We are going to change all the numbers etc while she is gone, so that she has to go through our intermediaries.

On another topic I have sort of a difficult to ask question. I'm wondering what the D'd people do about sex. I'm doing great on the family side but I'm starting to feel needy in that department.

One does not date for one year after they are divorced. Time needed to heal and grieve the loss of the marriage.

I was sort of thinking that a new relationship was out of the question until the twins are grown. I've been out of the dating scene for so long it will probably take me that long to prepare. I do know a woman at the gym who has basically offered sex with no expectation of a relationship, it makes me feel a little queazy but I'm still a guy. How do these things work in this century?

Well, in the high school world, sad as I am to say it, there is a thing called 'friends with benefits.' It means you agree not to get attached, but you get your needs met for physical touch. Could be just hugging or kissing, could be intercourse (unfortunately, in the high school world; but there it is).

Basically, just a promise to pleasure each other without getting attached. It sounds like that's what she's offering.

While I can appreciate how, theoretically, "friends with benefits" could help a newly divorced person, I personally would strongly recommend against it. You are just too vulnerable at this time to remain detatched enough to enjoy the "benefits" without getting emotionally involved. Since you know going into it that any emotion you have will not be returned, it's pretty much a guarantee that you will be hurt. Again. At least that's my take on it. Perhaps it's different for a man than a woman.

You're probably right. What is he going to do, though, if he feels a strong enough need to get relief? Just take a woman out so he can get some and then never call her again? That's pretty cruddy and can lead to self-disgust. I never thought about how hard that would be. A single guy is not the same, because he wasn't married and had (supposedly) access to SF whenever he and W wanted it. So it's more like going from a full meal to a snack. I'm curious to see what other people have done.

Catperson and Tabby;

The "Friends with benefits" is basically the offer. She is about 30 and we have chatted occasionally, she heard that I am divorced and just came over and offered.
I am too raw right now but it is difficult to go from 3 -5 times a week to zero. I did it during the A but I was totally emotionally slammed back then.

6 years,

FWIW, I've been D'd before and understand what you're going through. IMHO, these arbitrary guidelines (6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc.) are pure BS. Your M is over, the D is final, you are free to live your life as you see fit.

IMHO, you're ready when you think you're ready. If that's a few months, fine ... if it's TODAY, fine.

Regardless of what ANYONE thinks, you have shown yourself to be an honorable man with good natural instincts, and I don't think you will deal with this issue otherwise.

Personally, if you have an interest, I see NOTHING wrong with asking the lady at the gym for coffee after your next workout, and get better acquainted. If you're not ready for anything more, you can at least let her know of your interest and ask for a little time to deal with the fallout from the D. That way she won't feel like she just threw up an "air ball", and you get to spend some adult time with an attractive female.

Rev,

Thanks for the advice. I'm interested but I've never done anything like this. I've been with only one person, xWW, since I was 18. So, I'm also a little concerned that I might not live up to her expectations. I'm looking great physically, thanks to my way of dealing with all the stress through lots and lots of exercise, but it would still be weird right now to be with someone other than xWW. I basically already told her my worries, then she made some offers that made me actually blush. She thought that was cute. I figure we can still chat at the gym, she just said to let her know when I'm ready.

It is such a different world than 23 years ago.