Hello all, first time poster, just looking for some general guidance.
Going to make this short as possible. Just found out 4 weeks ago my wife didn't love me and wasn't willing to give me a second chance. She said that I wasn't keeping up the house with her (which has been a problem for years) and I admit, she's right. Once I realized the severity of the situation, I started changing my ways immediately. I changed despite the fact she told me there were going to be no second chances. I changed into a better person by doing my share and it wasn't good enough. My friends told me that people don't leave other people because they don't do their share of chores or lack quality time together, that their had to be something else, but I didn't believe them.
Fast forward to 3 days ago, I started researching 'cheating spouse' and realized the signs and symptoms matched those of my wife and I finally confronted her about it. She admitted she had feelings for a man that is a mutual friend of ours, but more her friend than mine. She said he doesn't have these same feelings for her, but she still felt them for him. She said she doesn't have an attraction to me and hasn't in a long time. I have been struggling ever since 4.5 weeks ago with her decisions. She has recently lost a lot of weight and looks and acts like a different person.
I finally took the liberty of creating a separate bank account, since we used to share our finances and I make a lot more than she does. Of course she didn't like this decision, but looking at our financials, which had been in her control for 7 years, I felt like an idiot. She has always been good with numbers, but was also being dishonest about our financial situation as well.
Last night was the first night I spent in another bedroom. I would've left the house, but couldn't because I'm not giving up my share of this house. We don't have kids either, but I don't want anyone I don't know in our house if I was to leave and I don't have any trust left for her anymore.
I have counseling on Monday, originally scheduled on my own for only myself but she finally gave in and agreed to go. I told her I need closure in our relationship and felt counseling might do the trick. I really love/loved her, but apparently she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to work on saving this marriage. I think she's making a big mistake, but will move forward with uncontested divorce if that's what she wants. I don't know what else to do, other than give her what she wants, so I can move on with my life too.
Please help! I will answer any questions.

Thank you,
35andfailed

You have come to the right place. First off, ask the mods to move your post to General Discussion - there is a lot more traffic there. There is a button on the bottom to email them.

Secondly, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. You will understand this better after you've read more on here but just don't do it okay?

Third, read everything on this website. Order the book "Surviving an Affair" - see the links at the top. While you wait for it to arrive, read everything here and post all your questions.

Finally, my STBX did virtually exactly the same thing as your WW. Said he didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me, didn't want to work on things or go to counselling yada, yada, yada. I found out later there was another woman. My sitch had a lot of other complications and in the end I opted to leave the M. But you can still save yours. WS's (wayward spouses) are all the same. It's like a disease that shows classic symptoms. The more you can learn about it, the easier it will be to deal with their abuse. And you will find many other BS's (betrayed spouses) here who's situations are so similar it's uncanny.

Sorry you have to be here but you are in the best place nobody wants to be.

Read the material about wayward spouses, fog speak, and snooping and exposing. Ask the mods to move it over to Infidelity, because she's having at least an Emotional Affair, if not Physical Affair.

Have you asked this man if they have done anything yet?

Get as much proof of what's going on, and then you need to expose. Do NOT agree to ANYTHING she wants. You WANT her to be mad at you right now; it will make her uncomfortable in this whatever she is doing. Make it hard for her to continue on this path.

At the same time, you need to continue being the best husband possible; when she wakes up from this fantasy she's in, she will realize that you stood by her through her foolishness. Hopefully.

Do NOT give her what she wants! She is not herself, she has an alien inside her making her say things she never would have said.

And keep up the housework.

Tabby, I will email the mods and get it moved to another forum, either infidelity or otherwise.
I really appreciate the reply. It's good to finally meet some people other than my friends who can relate to this situation. I did a lot of reading on the site before posting, I think I read the column you spoke of. I figured if I could just get her into counseling with me, at least we could maybe try it. All of my friends say she messed me over and I'm a very nice person, too nice and I'm getting walked on. I understand she's not herself and I'm trying to save the relationship before she ends it without trying, but like you all tell me, she's another person and it's not easy breaking the barrier to talk to her. She's done all kinds of strange things, she never used to drink, now she is out all night drinking every weekend.
I won't leave my house, I paid for it and I won't leave, but it's hard to coexist with her in it. This morning I think we came to an agreement where she's going to leave for a week, but again, I don't know if that's the right move. I will hopefully get to counseling on Monday and if she wants, she will come. Thanks for the reply Tabby, it's very well thought out.

Hi catperson,
I haven't asked the man if they did anything, she asked me not to talk to him, even though he was somewhat a friend of mine at one time.
I agree with you on the not agreeing, I was trying to make life difficult on her to break the patterns so that I can get thru to her. I think she wants divorce over her guilt. I think she is using it as an excuse to forgive herself of what she's done. I could be wrong, but that's what it appears to be. She is a different person and never came to me with the news until I figured it out. She's asking me things like, 'I want to be your friend after this'. Yeah right, as if that would happen. I know she's not talking to hardly anyone about her feelings and I don't want to see her make bad decisions since she's not talking to a counselor or something. I will do some more reading and I appreciate any and all advice that you give. Thank you very much.

Can someone move this posting to infidelity for me? I don't know how to do that. I would appreciate it.

35andfailed

I just notified the moderator for you.

She's ashamed of what she's doing, so she is rewriting your history so that it makes sense that she does this. Don't listen to it; it's all lies to allow her to keep doing this.

You have to expose what she is doing to her family, your family, her friends, the OM's family...anyone who can approach her and tell her to stop, that they don't like what she's doing. You have to make what she is doing no fun.

35, sorry you find yourself here, but just know that there is hope. The best hope you have of saving your marriage is busting up this affair. Until that happens there is little hope of bringing your wife back to sanity. A big part of your mission, therefore, will be to do everything in your power to ruin her affair and attract her back.

The best weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so when you expose, it is like turning on the lights in a crack house. All of a sudden, that beautiful affair seems pretty sleazy when others are looking at you with horror and disgust.

The most potent weapon you have against the affair is exposure. So that means you must get the facts about her affair. Go by the OM's house to see if she is staying here, tap your phone, hire a PI. It should be simple to QUIETLY get the goods since affairees are usually very sloppy about it.

When you have the evidence of an affair, come back here and we will discuss the best strategy of exposing of the affair. You would want to target certain people and get their support for your marriage. [parents of the affairees are a great target because they can be very influential] Doing it all at once creates a tsunami effect against the affair.

You did the right thing in protecting your assets. I would also suggest that you move back into your own room TODAY. Since it is she who wants to separate, then she should be the one to sleep in the guest room, not you.

Additionally, you will want to avoid lovebusters at all costs and look for opportunities to attract her back. The OM is meeting her needs, so you do not want to look bad in comparison. The idea is to convey to her that you are willing to meet her needs if she ends her affair.

Is the OM married? What does he do?

STOP talking about your wife and your marriage with your "friends" behind your wife's back. This is not something most wives will find attractive. You can do all your complaining here - we don't know you and it won't get back to your wife as a big fat juicy love buster.

My friends told me that people don't leave other people because they don't do their share of chores or lack quality time together

your friends are wrong....the lack of meeting your spouses needs
the lack of meeting her need for time together
domestic support
etc etc etc

are the EXACT things that lay the foundation for an unhappy spouse (that can end up) leading the way to an affair.....

without a doubt the changes that you are making now and have made only serve to make her mad...that's typical...you gotta buckle down and ride it through

If you only made these changes after ignoring her pleas and requests for these things.......and are doing so only due to the threat of her leaving....
it does make the other spouse mad,...
resentful and bitter at first...

don't back down or away from the changes they are important acts in showing her that you now really really hear her and are happy to meet these needs...

don't bother if you aren't happy to meet them...no point...


I finally took the liberty of creating a separate bank account, since we used to share our finances and I make a lot more than she does. Of course she didn't like this decision, but looking at our financials, which had been in her control for 7 years, I felt like an idiot. She has always been good with numbers, but was also being dishonest about our financial situation as well.


You need to really look at this...and change the financials NOT to his and hers but to YOURS together...
in which you both share the burdon and "perks" of money,.,,

lots and lots of sharing and open discussion....


If you are reading this site...then you should be working on your plan A...

that is the place where you realize where you didn't meet her needs...
and you make slow consistant changes....to improve the union....

how good is it working for you spilling your guts to friends...and getting bad feedback like people don't leave marriage over lack of quality time together...OF COURSE THEY DO>>>>>

women are attracted to men that meet their needs
that treat them like a real partner...

what are your wife's top needs ...do you know for a fact what they

have you known what they are and chosen NOT to meet them...

plan A and marriage building requires a lot of self soul searching and some humility...

this does not mean you don't need and deserve boudaries...but it does mean that you don't create battlefields like the battlefield of a seperate account...
instead you both come to the table and figure out how to make it work t o g e t h e r in the financial realm...

not seperately

remove the obstacles that she can and will use against her..
you control her financially
you do things with out her
you don't help with house...
etc

have you read about plan A and B
and what do you not understand about it or what questions do you have....

ARK^^

Ark, I think he openned his own bank account in response to the A. While what you say makes sense for a recovering M, protecting yourself from an active wayward is also important. Remember, waywards are, by nature, lying, cheating, self-entitled narcisists that will take advantage of everything you allow them to. Also, he should not be doing anything to finance the affair - and that means keeping any money he earns out of her reach (i.e out of the joint account).

I agree that the finances should be together in a good marriage. Having separate bank accounts faciliates separate lives. But now is not the time to remedy that situation. It would not be wise to give an untrustworthy person access to your money. Your wife is in an affair and is not in her right mind. She wants to end the marriage, so the odds of having your assets plundered are great.

You did the right thing in protecting your assets and I would even go further and take her name off your credit cards and any equity lines of credit. Don't find out the hard way how untrustworthy a wayward spouse can be in pursuit of an adulterous affair. Protect yourself first!

35af,

You said, She said he doesn't have these same feelings for her, but she still felt them for him

IMHO sounds like he dumped her after using her for a few experiences, and now feels nothing for her.

God Bless
NJ

I'm not going to debate this issue...
they are married in the eyes of the law it will all be fifty fifty...

I am very interested in what he thinks is bad financial decisions...
remember some people think more than 30 dollars on a hair style is insanity....

perhaps new clothes for the weight loss....

discussing and seperating accounts is fine...
even protecting

but knee jerking it is not good it will set the marriage up to become a battle field about money...\
I'm not saying he did this...but he may have....

it can create
a great divergence from the real issues....

a great smoke screen of powerstruggling.....

in plan a...no children

discuss moving money
inform of what is going where and for what...
for the good of the marriage in the long term for both

discuss budgets in especially in these financial times....

and then make changes...EVEN if the WS doesn't like the changes...
they have been informed with rational thought
and can not claim they are just being punished

here's another thing

in some marriages men let women control alll the finances...take little interest....
and are fine with that...
and give their blessings.....

and some then claim victimship to their choices when they find out that spouses spent money on this or that....

I don't know the whole story here
I don't know the exact beef of the money gripes

if it for hotels for an affair...then full steam ahead...
if it's over "things' that don't match up in values of spending...

then discourse in plan A...

ARK

This may be true, but between now and when the courts order the settlement, she will be able to blow scads of it financing her affair. One of the MB principals is to not finance the affair. They are not in the process of divorce yet - he just freshly discovered this affair.

I think its great to use POJA about financial decisions, but not in a situation where the marriage is under assault and one partner is he11bent on destroying the marriage. That would be like negotiating with a terrorist, not a wise move.

POJA is to be used when both partners are seeking the best interest of the marriage, not the DEMISE of the marriage. His first obligation is to protect himself from harm, not give her an opportunity to harm him further and not provide the means to further her affair.

I didn't say to poja it
and I am not talking about not protecting

I suggested discussing what his plans for the money is for the good of the marriage as in PLAN A

Is the money for the affair is the question

till that's answered I don't know that one can support the taking of financial support away from a spouse...

he "knows" but we don't

ark

Sorry you need to be here but this is the best possible place for anyone fighting an affair - and your WW (wayward wife) is in an affair, even if it's "just" emotional. In fact, for women, the emotional aspects of an affair are usually the most important - moreso than the physical aspects.

First of all - SETTLE DOWN. Do not make ANY decisions for at least six months. Your feelings are all over the place. I think you want to save your marriage, yet you say things like:

I changed into a better person by doing my share and it wasn't good enough.
Last night was the first night I spent in another bedroom. I would've left the house...
I told her I need closure in our relationship...
...apparently she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to work on saving this marriage.
I think she's making a big mistake, but will move forward with uncontested divorce if that's what she wants.
I don't know what else to do, other than give her what she wants...

Stop the fatalistic attitude. You don't have to divorce her if you don't want to. So quit thinking you're doomed and helpless. Realize that you need a plan, and you need to act. You need to take control of the situation (NOT take control of her, take control of YOUR role in things) rather than just standing on the sidelines.

While I commend you for picking up some slack in the housekeeping, four weeks is not nearly long enough for her to think you are changing permanently. She's probably ticked as all get-out right now. From her viewpoint, she told you and asked you and Told you and ASKED you... and it all fell on deaf ears. Now that you've killed her love, you want to clean house for a few days and think that makes everything better? No way! Until your behavior is established, over time, as a real change, she's going to see it as manipulative and a trick to get her to leave her dream guy and settle for you again.

Your job here is to continue doing the housework, regardless of her attitude or reaction.

Also read about Emotional Needs. Figure out what her top 3 or so are and begin meeting them on a daily basis.

Read about Love Busters. Figure out which ones you commit and learn to recognize and control (eliminate) them.

Do NOT try to educate her right now. In fact, you'll get a lot more out of counseling if she does NOT go. She's withdrawn from the marriage and any time she spends in marriage counseling is time wasted.

Be wary of what your counselor says. Counselors and therapists have about an 85% failure rate, on average, of saving marriages. Scrutinize yours carefully. Ask if they follow Dr. Harley's principles. If not, move on to another counselor and another until you find one that does. These methods have a MUCH higher success rate.

I agree you should snoop and find evidence of the affair. Chat logs, sent emails, photos, whatever. Do NOT tell your WW about your evidence. Store it some place safe. If you tell her about it, she will just hide the evidence and become more sneaky and you won't know where things stand with her at all.

As soon as you have evidence, expose. When you expose the A to her parents, OM's wife, and other influential people, your wife will be *livid*. She will say that she had seen changes in you and was thinking of reconciling but you've destroyed that chance now. She'll tell you she hates you, that she never wants to see you again, and - one of my personal favorites - that she'll never be able to trust you again. Don't worry about the nuclear fallout, it will pass after a few days. Her anger will be because her dreamy lovey-poo fantasy has been destroyed, or at least severely threatened. That's a very good thing.

If your W and OM work together, expose to the HR department and CEO of their business. If they are in a club or something together, expose to the officers of the organization.

Exposure is meant to kill the affair. It is not meant to punish your wife. All you are doing is informing influential people of what is going on. You are not judging your wife, nor condemning her, nor making excuses for her. Something simple and to the point is best: "My WW is having an affair with OM. I desperately want to rebuild our marriage, and I'd appreciate your support of WW, me, and our M." If these are people who you personally respect, such as her parents, ask for their advice.

You have a lot to do right now, with snooping, figuring out her ENs and meeting them, figuring out your LBs and getting rid of them, and exposing (as soon as you have proof). Busy yourself with those things and DO NOT REACT to her insanity. Really.

And whatever you do, DO NOT let her pick a fight with you. Just let it all go in one ear and out the other.

Keep posting and updating, it helps folks give you more relevant advice.

I wanted to talk to her family about it and get their opinions, but she got very angry when I talked about doing just that. She told me that it was her family and I had no business talking to them. I disagree with that though, it's been my in laws for 7 years, I also don't know what this would hold me legally liable to? Would it be ok for me legally to do this or should I respect her privacy? I just don't know if I should travel down this road or not.
Also, I don't want to embarrass her or her family, they are very christian, conservative people, but I think they would understand that mistakes happen. I need more advice on this.
Thanks for the reply.