Hello,

we were seeking advice back in May to try to fix our marriage. My husband (kodawolf) did not want to fill any questionaires out and just try for ourselves without getting help. Well, it did not work and 2 weeks ago he tells me its over. Totally out of the blue, since a few days before we were sleeping together and agreed upon using this fall/winter to work on us. Something changed his mind and he won't answer me straight if another woman is involved. I assume that that is the reason for him being this way all of a sudden. HE says that no counseling can help me and my character and he is not willing to go to counseling since the problem lies in my character only and no marriage counseling will be able to help.
He is now doing the same thing he condemned me for when I had a brief affair last year (see my posts from April 2008), throwing our 16 years of life together away for pursuing his own new found happiness.
I am taking my first steps in moving with our 3 kids close to my parents house in Germany, so they can help me take care of them. I am devastated by his decision and so are our kids (6,11,13). We will try to move on and appreciate any advice in getting over this and how to go about a divorce.
We are currently living in Spain, got married in the US and had the marriage accepted by the German city hall. I assume that we need to have all three countries involved when filing for divorce.
I also appreciate any advice in how I need to go about this with my kids, especially if my husband is starting a new relationship.

It's his right to end the marriage based on your adultery.

It's just one of the consequences you knew might happen when you chose to have the affair.

I was ready to accept that fact when I told him about my affair back in 2007. He wanted to renew our vows, which we did in January 2008, and I took our new vows seriously, he didn't. Now he is doing the same thing I did: starting a new relationship before he broke up with me.
I know what i did was wrong and I learned from my mistakes, he didn't. There are plenty of examples here on the discussion forums that show that you can work through an affair with dedication and respect. I was ready to do that. He chose to find love in a different person instead after he renewed his vows to me.

I did not write here to get put down in regards to the mistakes I made a year ago, I wanted advise on how to deal with this situation of separation (not dealing with affairs) so we all (my husband, our kids and myself) can get through this without causing unnecessary hurt on top the hurt we all feel already.

If you have read a lot here then you know things that you can do to break up his affair.

Is your H in the military? Report the affair to his units comnander. Expose.

It's his right to want a divorce. It's your right to attempt to convince him that he would be better off staying with you and the kids.

It's not over to the fat lady sings.

He's having a revenge affair.

If his affair partner is married, then you need to expose it to her husband.

I really feel for you but you can't make him keep his vows.

Maybe with the time thats gone by he decided that if you couldnt keep your vows the first time, there's nothing to say you'd be able to keep them the second? And so he decided not to keep them either?

Maybe he just can't get past the infidelity from a year ago?

Either way - if he wants to go, I think you have to let him go. Trying to get him to change his mind won't work. He has to want it himself.

Hi.

Well, obviously it was wrong of you to have an affair back then. But, two wrongs don't make a right. If he can't get past it, he should be honest about that to you.

However, aside from all of this...I'm wondering about custody issues. DOes he not care if you take the kids to Germany? I have heard that the courts don't look to fondly upon people who try to remove the children from the other parent. They'd argue that you should arrange visitation so HE could help take care of the kids. Just a warning to you. If you look like you're trying to keep the kids away from him because YOU have been hurt, well, you may have problems down the road if he tries to get custody.

And shouldn't the children have their dad around if they all have a good relationship with him and he's not abusive or anything? SOmething you might think about.

So, my advice about how to go about this with the kids...they're old enough to verbalize how they are feeling. Do what you need to do to support them and do what's right for them. Please try to keep your broken heart out of it. If he's having an affair, that's between you and him, not him and the kids. I know all of this affects the whole family, but it shouldn't affect it to the point where they will be completely estranged from their father.

I'd say stay in Spain. Wait this out. If you go to Germany, make it a break away from stress short term visit. Maybe you could go to counseling on your own.

I really feel you should not rush into divorce. He didn't rush out to divorce you back when you did what you did. This needs time to air out. That's what I think.

Thank you for the advice,

I went to my tax advisor in the meantime and found out, that I cannot get a job outside Spain, since I am the sole business owner. When I told that to my husband, he freaked out in front of the kids, accusing me of wanting to ruin him, taking the business and everything and kicking him out.
To clarify the situation: when we decided to move to Spain and buy this business, he wanted to separate and sent me alone. Since he was not here and had no legal papers regarding his work permit and residency prepared, I had to get everything put into my name. Furthermore this was all bought from my inheritance (from my parents) and we have a prenup agreement. I was still trying to get him onto my papers, but he had no legal right to own property or a car here, so there was nothing I could do. My oldest daughter was with me at that time and witnessed my tries.
When he decided to come here as well 3 months later and try to get together again, we were faced with over 8000 euros fees in order to put him on the deed and as part car owner, so we could not afford that.

Back to this week. I am the legal owner and cannot let him run this business as we intended in the beginning. My first reaction when he broke up was to get away, but I cannot leave the horses and business (trail riding) behind or I will be legally responsible for anything he does or any accident that might happen. I told him we need to discuss our situation and find a decent solution. He comes to the house and is on a full rampage in front of the kids with me, calling me a cold [censored] and telling me I am only doing this to get him to lose everything. He got very aggressive and close to my face, the kids were extremely upset and tried to push him away. He tried to throw his wedding band in the toilet and told me that I have severe character disorders. After about 1 hour he calms down. He then asks if we have to run the farm together he wants to stay there and have his new girlfriend (he finally admitted to me and the kids he loves someone else) be involved as well. I said that that is not a good idea in regards to the kids and also that you don't bring your significant other to work usually. He got upset again and said goodby to the kids left.
I asked him repeatedly that we need to talk things over and figure out a solution, so we can all get on with our lives and get a direction, but he refuses to talk to me. I ask him to spend more time with the kids, but he says he is too busy. They miss him terribly and can't understand why has has changed so much.
I don't know what to do right now. We cannot move away and have to work together now, which is not very easy. I wish we could talk thing over and find a solution.

IS there anything I can do to mitigate this situation and his anger outbursts?

BTW, I invited him to go with me to my tax advisor and the official vet, he refused, but now claims I am taking steps to screw him over.

Since this is the case, I don't know Sorryandlonely, I would either tell him he is not welcome anymore on your property and get a restraining order if you need to (hoping they have something like that out there), or sell the business, or hire a manager to run it for you while you take a vacation for a month but still not allowing him to come. He has a girlfriend now. He doesn't want you. So, let him figure out what he's gonna do for work on his own. THat's his problem. You didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to move there, so he's there. He can figure out his own life now.

Just make sure you don't appear like you're trying to take the kids away. Even if he's a jerk, to the courts, that doesn't justify you taking them. So, definitely be very cautious about what you do in that regard. Keep records of every attempt you make to ask him to see the kids or whatever. Write emails instead of calling for example. Then you'll have documentation if it ever comes up. Even if you guys don't do the email thing, you could keep a journal of what was said each day/week.

This really sucks. SOrry you're going through this. But, no way, I would not work with him. NO WAY.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

P.S. And the outbursts with the kids, that's horrible. Get the book from Amazon called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It tells ways to not be in those kinds of conversations and ways to not engage with the other person.

Thanks for the advice. A couple of days ago he told me he will move together with our newest volunteer (he now admitted she is the second girlfriend and he has been together with her for two weeks) into an apartment soon. I was devastated hearing that, it hurt soo much that this person that I treated fairly during the last three weeks she was here (she used my house and ate with us together, played with our kids etc.) goes behind my back and is together with him now. He wants me to work the business with him and her, I said no way and then he wants me to buy him out with enough money so he can buy himself a property with a ruin and start his own business there. The discussion went civil and our middle daughter who had planned a sleep-over at our farm house with him decided she still wanted to go with him for the night. After he left I broke down and cried for most of the night, then I packed all his things from our bedroom and put them by the door for him to pick up the next morning. When he came he still wanted me to do his laundry and I said no. He said I am childish and resentful, but I staid firm in not wanting to be his maid anymore.

I wrote an email to his mother (whom I got along with fine) and informed her neutrally about the latest happenings and also how guilty and devastated I felt about my mistake last year. She forwarded my email to her daughter (she is very supportive of his actions so far), who then sent it to my husband. He did not mention anything to me but said he changed his mind about moving in with her and canceled the apartment. I don't know whether that is due to financial reasons, his moms opinion or if the new girlfriend is pulling out or what. Since he is leaving the farm today for a week, we have some time to think and hopefully find a solution together soon.
My middle daughter spent the night there again tonight and he will drop her off at my house before he leaves. My other two girls did not want to go with him for a sleep over due to the fact of him being together with our volunteer.

So far the newest developments from here. I hope this night mare can be ended civilly soon.
I will start a log today and put every conversation and every sleep-over etc. in there. Thanks for that advice!

See, exposure works. Keep working, the game is not won or lost. But must still be fought.

Hello again,

my husband left yesterday to take her to the airport to fly home for 3 weeks, He told me he is flying to London to a job interview and come home in a week.
I hear from our other workers now that he told them he is flying with her to Finland to meet her family. He is using our emergency fund to finance his "vacation" and lying to me and the kids. He is a totally different person now and the kids have a hard time understanding that. They try to hold on to their picture of him being the superhero, but it is crumbling away the more fact we find out. they will get scarred for life by this. what can I do to help them through this? The are now asking me if I tell them the truth, since he has been caught in so many lies. They ask me if i want him back and i tell them, that I want the old one back, not the person he has become now. He is selfish and thoughtless.
Our remaining helpers also told me that his girlfriend already cheated on him during a weekend trip to another city. They exposed it to my husband and he said he will forgive her for that (he could not forgive me for my affair last year) and they started excluding the other helpers from their life, going out to dinner by themselves and not having any meals together anymore.
I am going to close my accounts and his access to our money, He also got me a huge phone bill with 300 Euros, texting the Norwegian helper and letting his girlfriend call to Finland. I need to get my phone and car back and have him move out from the farm to protect my girls and me financially. I just need to find the courage to tell him that. He is back ion one week and I need to stay strong.

Protect your finances, shut his cell phone off, get the car back, and have everything of his moved out before he gets back next week.