I hope there are others out there who can relate similar stories and lend some advice. My husband and I have been married less than two years and our sex life is all but gone. In the first year, we made love several times a week. After that first year, my husband scaled back to once a week - like clockwork - every Friday night. In the last six months, it became every two weeks, in the last three months, once a month. Now my husband tells me he is having "problems." In fact, the first time he told me was a month ago, while on vacation in New Mexico, during a not-so-pleasant situation. He promised he would see a doctor. A month has passed, and it happened again this month and he again promised to see a doctor. He still has not made the appt. He seems to be earnest when he tells me he may have a physical problem, but I cant' help but feel it is something more when I look at the whole history. The situation has made me angry and hurt, and mistrusting. In fairness to him, I have read up on ED and want to believe this is what is wrong, and that it is a common thing among men his age (he is 57, I am 42). But I am concerned about his reluctance to go to the doctor, and it only plays on my fears that it he simply isn't interested in me anymore. Help!

Sexless:

Your insinuation that there may be a medical problem caught my attention (I am a doctor). Obviously, more info is needed to know if that is what is (exclusively) going here.

It seems that there were no "performance issues" a year ago (I am assuming you mean ED) but rather a gradual decline in interest. Unless, your H has had some major intervening medical/psychological problem, he shouldn't now be suddenly having problems obtaining or maintaining an erection. It also seems that he would be eager to see the doctor for treatment if it was purely a medical issue--not like you don't see ads for ED treatment every 30 minutes on TV, no shame in that anymore.

Tell us some more about your M situation and background...
How well are you guys communicating?
Are you spending quality time together?

Trying to help...

Have you read the concepts here about eliminating LBs and meeting ENs and spending 15 hours together? Are you creating an environment where he can't wait to get home to you?

Do you know how often he's taking care of himself? If he does it too often, it's possible that there's no sexual energy left to direct towards you.

He is overweight and on medication for blood pressure, and from what I have read, this can lead to ED. But, again, the gradual decline in sexual activity makes me think it is more emotional than physical. Unfortunately, we have had a VERY rough start. We have endured a number of family issues in the short course of our marriage. In fact, we had custody of our grandson off and on over the last two years. Undoubtedly, this put a strain on our relationship. I'll admit, we have had our share of horrific fights. Both have threatened divorce more than once. We both spent a number of years single and living alone before we married, so the adjustment to married life was difficult. Coupled with that is the fact we maintain separate schedules. He works nights, I work days. But this is not a new thing. It has been this way all along and the sex was unaffected. And, we have always been great about spending our free time together so that isn't an issue.

To be honest, I don't believe it is exclusively one or the other, but rather a combination of both physical and emotional issues. He has, a couple of times, commented he feels under pressure to perform and he is afraid of not being able to perform, and the fear only exacerbates the situation. Of course, this is frustrating for me because I am of the "don't start what you can't finish" school of thought. Unfair, perhaps, but I'd rather not even get started up the hill of there's no reaching the top. He does offer to please me, and while, yes, it feels great, it is at the same time unfulfilling because it is not the orgasm that is desired so much as the intimacy involved in lovemaking... the oneness of two bodies.

If he does see the doctor, and does have ED, and does get pills, will his future erections be brought on by a pill, or will he still get excited by me? Will he always need the help of a pill, or will he someday return to natural erections?

I don't look at it that way. I look at it the same as any other body function that doesn't work like it used to when we were younger. We can't do the push-ups we used to do. Can't heal from a sprain as fast. Can't handle a hangover the same. That's why we older people start looking toward supplements and such as we get older, to try to keep things going the way they used to.

Looking at it that way, it makes sense. I mean, after all, I've tried just about every diet pill known to man to try to return to the shape I enjoyed in my 20's. I color my hair to hide the gray. So, yeah, I can see what you mean. If he needs a pill, so be it... but... will he get the pill? Here it is Thursday, and he half-heartedly said he would see the doctor Thurs. or Fri. Where I come from, you have to make an appointment in advance to see a doctor - you don't just walk in. He has not made an appointment. So...it has been over a month since we successfully made love. A month ago, he promised to see the doctor. Last weekend he promised to see the doctor. At what point do I stop being patient and demand he see the doctor? If I go through another sexless weekend I may very well lose it. I think he is being extremely inconsiderate, especially when I am being patient, in putting off this appointment. Yet, I don't want to push him, as if I do he will surely say I am putting too much pressure on him...

UGH

I'm not a man, but I can pretty much guarantee you that, just like they equate their self-esteem partly with their job, the other part of their self-esteem comes from their...manlihood. Guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I've been hearing all my life from my guy friends.

In other words, going to a doctor and telling him you're impotent is probably the single most embarrassing thing a man can ever do. I can see how he would have to really be at rock bottom before he's willing to endure that embarrassment. No matter how much it's talked about on tv, it's still individually embarrassing.

Especially since you generally have to talk to one or two female nurses first and they ask you 'So why are you here today?'

Well... today is D-Day (doctor day), following another sexless weekend. I did have to prod him to make the appt, but he finally did. Good thing... it is getting to the point we are fighting about this, and both of us are dreading the weekends together. This weekend he tried to "please" me and I told him I wasn't interested unless it was reciprocal.

For his sake, I hope there is nothing seriously wrong with him, but for the sake of our marriage, I hope this is proven to be physical/medical rather than psychological/emotional because each weekend puts us farther away from each other. I hate to admit it, but I am getting intensely angry over this, to the point that I'd just as soon not have any contact with him at all. I hate pretending everything is okay when it clearly isn't. We still hug, kiss, show affection... but truthfully, I'd rather be left alone. Affection just makes me want him, and then I get angry because I can't have him. Yet, if I try to limit the physical contact, he gets upset.

THANK GOD he works nights, and we only have two nights a week of this crap to deal with.

I can understand where you are coming from. It wasn't that my xh had ED but he just didn't have a drive for sex - period. We never had sex before we married, only lots of heavy petting, but come to find out his testosterone level was low. He did have a job that was very stressful - managing a Wal-Mart store is no easy task.

On top of that he did have some upbringing that got in the way, but I also learned that I did too!! I was very angry that our sex life went downhill after we got married, but I LEARNED that it had a lot to do with my own issues. So there could be a need for you to learn some relaxation and delayed gratification for the relationship, and your sex life to go better.

There could be issues for BOTH of you to deal with. Getting angry doesn't do anyone any good if they don't reach out and look for answers to their own mistakes in life.

Without putting it to good use, anger only increases stress and makes the problem even worse. I've finally had a chance to see both sides of the coin.