Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 33 of 34 1 2 31 32 33 34
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by IHadEnough
I will let others comment on your Plan B because I think it is a huge mistake on your part with the type of woman you have. Her whole life has been to treat you this way so she will be glad to have you gone and get your money. Big mistake but it is your life and you have to live it so I wish you the best.

I will comment on your letter. When I read it the first thing I got out of it is that it was you who caused the affair and now you are sorry. She will think that she is justified and now just like always you are crawling back on your knees. No worry for her it is just like always.

Your wife has the mindset that she is always entitled to sleep with other guys if she is upset at you. In your letter you are admitting this as far as I can tell.

I am sorry but I feel sorry for you. You remind me of my dear friend who is with a real nightmare. I wish you would go get some help and find out why you have put up with this and why you want to keep sending her money and letting her sleep with other guys.

It is kind of ironic when you think about it. Your wife won't have SF with you and she cheats on you but she won't appologize for it. You on the other hand have been faithful and have supported her financially and funded her cheating and you are the one who is appologizing.

You have a unhealthy need for an attractive spouse. I am sorry I sound angry with you. I just hate it when guys put up with this crap. I have had my say and i will bow out of your thread. Good luck because like I said you are far to nice a guy and you don't deserve this.

Yeah, you are right. If she won't respond to D papers there never was any hope anyway actually. She would laugh at a plan B and think it and I are pathetic.

I guess part of this is I am afraid of being alone. I know, which is better? Alone or with someone who treats me like a dog, occasionally throwing me a treat and then carrying on with OM.

It's tough. Should be easy right?

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
Maybe you are telling yourself that it is better to live with, and financially support, a "hot appearing" partying, spending, cheating woman than to have to divorce since then you risk meeting a "non hot" woman in the future.

Maybe you tell yourself it is better to live with this cheater, financially supporting her, her partying, and her cheating, rather than having to go out and date again some day.

Are you that afraid of dating and meeting other women??? That you would stay with that (severe expletive) ?????

I do not understand why you do not get an attorney, get a good plan, then serve her the divorce papers.

She is superslime. A discredit to women everywhere.

Plus, SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, MAN!!! SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY SO SHE WONT HAVE TO WORK. THAT IS IT. THEN SHE CAN CHEAT AND PARTY ALL SHE WANTS AND YOU WILL PAY FOR ALL OF THAT!!!!

(She cant cheat and party with no money and will have no energy to do so if she has to work full itme)

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
Here is where I actually mentioned divorce.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
You aleady have a good idea what your WW's response is going to be to plan B... Honesty what's it going to hurt?

60-90 days of plan B. Begin planning your life without her now if you like, but again whats it going to hurt.

Your letter. Cut it down to communications, money, and a list of your marriage requirements. Counseling, no communication w/OM, radical honesty, etc..

You've played nice, you've apologized for your role in marital failure.

No more.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 464
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 464
SWW, Sorry I wasn't available for you when you mentioned me last week. I no longer work from home so my time here is more limited.

It sounds to me like you're struggling with the same spiritual question I did for a while.

How can we possibly FORGIVE our WW's after all they've done to us??? After all, we are to love our enemies, right?

Here's how I reasoned it...I HAVE forgiven my WW for her transgressions. However, that does not mean I will ever go back to her dramatics again! I choose not to associate with her in any way.

I would never befriend a person of such low moral standards, and she doesn't get a pass just because we were once a couple.

If her life truly ever turned around and she bore the fruit of repentence, I would certainly consider allowing her to become a part of my life again as a FRIEND...if for no other reason than the fact we have kids together. However, I know this woman as you know your WW...it is HIGHLY unlikely she is capable of living a consistent moral life (by consistent, I mean YEARS of the straight and narrow).

Just another reason why a quick Plan B might benefit you. Heck, my Plan B was only for a few weeks I think. That's all it took for me to see reality.

If you choose not to Plan B, I certainly understand, I just don't want to see you have any regrets later.

All of the advise you're getting is sound...use it all as you see fit (including mine!).

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Well MB,

I did it finally. I am sorry but under the current circumstances I am convinced plan b would only have made matters worse, for me.

I was finally able to release my self from 2 critical aspects of my relationship with my WW.

1. My dependence on her for my own self-worth.

2. My guilt, anticipated and otherwise for "leaving her."

I spoke to a D atty yesterday and emailed and asked her to please do the same. I feel very free and empowered.

She will either comply and call and we'll get the ball rolling or she will do what ab3's WW did, writhe and beg and act confused and angry.

I can already anticpipate her words and actions should she do the latter, "why am I always the bad guy? Why are you doing this? I thought we were working on things? Just because I can't see SF with you now didn't mean forever? You are such a jerk. What are you going to tell the kids? Why do I have to be the one to change? OK, I'll change, what do you want me to do? etc. etc."

Truth is I don't think she can change her character or the critical aspects of her personality on a dime, but the onus is on her. I will not propose any solutions, it's up to her now. Like Stella said, she doesn't love me and needs more than one man in her life.

I was really angry to begin with this week. Now I just wonder why, when she peeled out of the church parking lot 5 years ago to go to the Super Bowl without me I didn't see it then.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
You've got more than enough justification for filing. It was just a matter of what YOU wanted.

Keep us posted.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by Justkeeptrying
You've got more than enough justification for filing. It was just a matter of what YOU wanted.

Keep us posted.

Thanks JKT,

I will keep y'all posted. WW still hasn't responded to email other than trying to call yesterday.

BTW, had the job interview Monday. Still don't know anything, but they didn't blink when I mentioned matching O-6 pay with BAH tax bennies. So, I'll let you know. Prob means a trip to the sandbox for 3-4 months, but, hey, we all knew that coming into this didn't we?

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,780
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,780

SWW,

Congratulations on making progress.

I hope you stay on course and find the peace that you deserve.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
You're Navy right? Can't you stay out on the boat and away from the sand? My hubby managed four years on a boat without much time in the sandbox at all.

Then again, it would certainly be a distraction from your troubles here, eh? wink

MS


BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.


Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
I know you've been in business for yourself already, but if you haven't worked for corporate keep in mind, everything is negotiable.

Contractors who make frequent trips to the sand box typically get compensated very well while oversea's. Often to the tune of double salary, per diem, additional time off, etc.

If your job description is a roughly lateral position compared to your current responsiblities. You salary request is a great deal (for the company).

Expecting you will not go back and asking for more. Consider stock options regardless of publically or privately owned on an annual basis. Ask about bonuses, paided time off, etc.

I recently began dumping any bonus monies directly into my 401K in order to avoid the heavy taxes that came with it.

Considering you are filing for D, any income that is not showing up on your statement (LES) is a good thing.

"ANY" issues you have medically, get it documented in your record. I was a bit proud, had no desire to receive a disability percentage. Wow was I stupid! I threw away potentially receiving 50% of my pension tax free! If I would have documented legitimate claims, but at the time I view it as money I didn't need, someone else needs this more than me, etc.

Be sure to visit a DAV rep before you retire. They are very helpful.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Well,

I spoke to WW last night after she tried to avoid talking to me for awhile and then finally when I got her on the phone she spent an inordinate amount of energy talking about happy things going on.

It took a lot of inner strength to bring the conversation around to the reason for my call, to get her to face the reality of calling the D atty.

It was one of the most painful things I have ever done. We were very nice to each other, but, she sounded like she was in shock.

She sounded resigned to the fact that she had created this mess and would now have to face the music. I did not lead her down this line of thinking or steer the conversation that way, she did, and she sounded, well, just resigned to our fate. I asked her to please call the lawyer this morning. She said she would and that then she would call me this morning.

I don't know if any of you had this happen, but i lay up all night and had to fight the urge to call her or text her that I still cared and loved her. I feel so bad for her...

She did not call the atty and has not called me today.

She plays and talks a tough game because I think she never thought I would have the spine to do it.

Gosh I am depressed....

SWW

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 191
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 191
CHEER UP

You have been going round in circles for long enough. Time to get off the merry-go-round and feel like you are making progress to improve your situation, one step at a time!

The last one was a huge step in the right direction .

WELL DONE

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by myopia
CHEER UP

You have been going round in circles for long enough. Time to get off the merry-go-round and feel like you are making progress to improve your situation, one step at a time!

The last one was a huge step in the right direction .

WELL DONE

Thank You!

I need a little encouragement. My sister had to laugh when I told her I spent yesterday morning dissecting I Corinthians 7 where Paul talks about marriage trying to be sure I was doing the right thing.

I know this site is about marriage building not divorce. I hold out a tiny shred of hope my WW will "see the light" but, she would have to move mountains at this point and trusting that she was sincere would be hard.

She is not speaking to me by phone, text or email now. Maybe she is lawyering up too, who knows. My atty told me that while my state is a no fault state, that infidelity often comes into play in determining alimony.

I feel bad for my WW. I think this is a wake up call she never expected. Her parents have been separated for 10 years but are still married and live in the same town and he supports her. I think she thought this might be our arrangement. Who knows?

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted by sickwithworry
She is not speaking to me by phone, text or email now.

I suspect she's going through an "Oh crap! The gig is up!" moment and her little fantasy-world is in a bit of turmoil now. Don't you even think about throwing her any life-lines now, Ok?

Just make sure all your bases are covered - she's likely to get quite nasty, now that you've shown her that you're not a pushover and she's no longer going to get what she wants from you.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by ManInMotion
Originally Posted by sickwithworry
She is not speaking to me by phone, text or email now.

I suspect she's going through an "Oh crap! The gig is up!" moment and her little fantasy-world is in a bit of turmoil now. Don't you even think about throwing her any life-lines now, Ok?

Just make sure all your bases are covered - she's likely to get quite nasty, now that you've shown her that you're not a pushover and she's no longer going to get what she wants from you.

MIM,

I have resisted throwing her any life lines for 2 nights now. The first night was hard, last night was much easier. Only communication from me was asking if she had called D atty as I had not heard from her.

I expect either teary phone calls from her, her friends and family, or downright nastiness. I am not sure which and I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. If it does get nasty quick that will only be more confirmation for me where her head and heart are.

Funny, as I was waffling a few days ago before making the decision more text messages came up from the past when she still had the phone I now use.

One to him was: "It is because I am so hor*y that I am such a great catch. And for so many other reasons as well..."

Another presumably after he broke it off with her for his former GF: "I don't understand. Why do guys always leave?"

These, especially the first, made the decision a bit easier. She was abducted completely by the aliens and is still floating around confused in outer space.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
You've got your fuel to call on if you need anger (the texts).

Have you thought out a response if she pleads to remain M? It may happen. You need to know what you will say and require of her.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 642
Originally Posted by Justkeeptrying
You've got your fuel to call on if you need anger (the texts).

Have you thought out a response if she pleads to remain M? It may happen. You need to know what you will say and require of her.

JKT,

I am having an AB3 moment here. WW is calling and texting and emailing and is being super sweet. Telling me funny stories about the kids etc.

She just called me to tell me, "Hey, remember today was your Mother's (died in January) Birthday. I think you should call your Dad."

As to what to say if she wants to stay M, I don't know. I sorta feel like she should know what she has to do, but to be honest I haven't laid it out for her. I don't really think I should right now.

She is trying to slyly get me to "forget" i asked for D by being super sweet, staying home at night with the kids, looking forward to me coming home etc.

I am going to be nice as I have been, but still bug her about calling D atty. I think I will get after awhile, "SWW, why should we D when we are getting along so well?"

Me andticipated response: "Because I don't want to just be your friend. I offered you every opportunity to reconcile and come back and you refused, so it's time to move on."

I guess....

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Me andticipated response: "Because I don't want to just be your friend. I offered you every opportunity to reconcile and come back and you refused, so it's time to move on."

I guess....

I wouldn't give her an opportunity to debate your feelings.

How about "..because I can no longer accept a future where I remain M'd to you."



ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
Be careful about listening to your WW right now. I had an abusive boyfriend and he was able to win me back with words many times. I eventually had to withdraw completely to separate from him.

I guess what I'm thinking is, you really WANT your M to work. You WANT your WW to be this great person you thought you married. You WANT all the pain and crap to disappear and be able to go back to a good place in your M. She is trying to create that illusion. And because you probably really WANT to believe that it could happen, I think you are more susceptible to allowing yourself to believe that there is hope.

I am making a huge assumption about the level of hurt and anger you have. I think at this point you need to hold on to that anger, and maybe even protect yourself from the fantasy that your WW is trying to create with her communications. I guess I'm just saying, "Be careful." Don't let YOUR addiction for her and for your M get the best of you.

MS


BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.


Page 33 of 34 1 2 31 32 33 34

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5