Over the past couple of years, my husband has been becoming physically and emotionally abusive, mostly toward our teenaged sons. He throws chairs, breaks things pushes and shouts obscenities. I worry constantly that someone will be seriously hurt. He has a reputation for being difficult to work with at his job as well. At times his friends have had to intervene in order to get people to work with him. I have been encouraging him to get help, and genuinely trying to be supportive while not condoning his actions. He would just respond with “It’s all me! You’re just perfect aren’t you!” and refuse to get help. I have been willing to go to counseling both individual and or couples. This has however taken a huge toll on our marriage.

He has been very distant from the family for several months. He would barely speak to me, or completely ignore me. I honestly thought he had lost his hearing. When I entered a room he would leave. He started planning as much time as possible away from home. He was distant from the children; he told me, our friends and even the kids that he did not like them (the kids). He told me several times that he was going to move out of the house and that he did not wish to reconcile.

I recently found out that my husband is having an EA, or I believe it may now be physical with a woman from another city. He was calling her and texting her up to 60 times a day. When I found out he was completely unrepentant and told me that she is a sweet lovely Sunday school teacher and that she is an important part of his life and that he would not give her up. I had not read any MB materials yet, and because of the abuse and his plans to leave, I told him to get out. This was two months ago. As angry and upset as I am with him, I really miss the loving relationship we once had.

We made a brief attempt at reconciliation, but he was unwilling to end all contact and he was unwilling to be honest about the A. We went to see a marriage counselor-bad move. The counselor agreed with him that if they had to be in contact for work purposes then contact was unavoidable and that I need to tolerate that. The counselor also said that in the case of infidelity, honesty is not the best policy and that WH had a right to keep the A private. We are now experiencing a total breakdown in communication.

I really don’t know what to do now. Neither Plan A nor Plan B seems to fit my situation. We are living separately and proceeding toward D. I really believe that he needs help beyond what I can give him by meeting his EN. He says I am crazy. He is fine and had I just been better to him he would have been happy. I just don’t know where to start.

Do you know who this OW is? Is she married? Sunday school teacher? Do you know the name of the church. The reason I ask is you need to expose this affair to the light of day. If she is married, expose to her husband and family. Exposure to her church is key here as well. If she is not married, find out who her parents are and expose. Expose your H to friends/family anyone who will be supportive of your marriage. If your children are teens, you should expose to them as well.

I am sorry he has taken his behavior out on his kids. I remember my H during his first A suddenly found everything was my then teen son's fault. (H is the step father) Even the xOW told him it sounded like typical teen behavior.

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and read the site concepts about plan A/B.

I know who OW is. She is recently divorced. I do not know what church she belongs to or if she has any family. They have been exposed to people at their work places, friends, my parents and our kids. That has made them extremely uncomfortable.

On the other hand he has the support of his siblings, they have had affairs and multiple marriages. They also have the support of OWs best friend. As a matter of fact when he briefly broke contact with OW the "friend" encouraged them to get back together. When WH was uncomfortable in his apartment, the "friend" brought him furniture.

Do I need to insist on NC with the "friend" too?

Do I try to meet WH's EN, or do I approach it from more of a plan B direction? I am waffeling back and forth on this. I don't believe he should come back home until he has his anger more under control. I also want to make sure we can be happy together because I never want to put our children through this again. Meanwhile I will buy the book.

Ace, I am so sorry you are in this mess. I agree with you that your first obligation is keep him out of the house and away from the kids until he deals with his anger problem. My suggestion would be to go into Plan B and make anger managment a condition of his return, in addition to ending all contact with the OW. When you go into Plan B, I would strongly advise you change the locks.

Do have Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get that and read it so you understand the dynamics of an affair. There is a Plan B letter template in there that you can use. We can help you tweak it for your situation. When you get ready to go into Plan B, come here and we can help you prepare.

Does he have a drinking problem?