After 7 years, I'm back again. 7 years ago, this forum helped me recover from my husband's 2 year, PA and EA. During the 7 years after the affair, things were almost back to normal, but not good enough. Then, this year, it seemed to get worse, and we grew further apart.

Today, I found out about my husband's affair because OW left a message for hiim on his cell voicemail. He claims it wasn't physical, but you know how that goes. It's hard to believe a person that has lied to you. I found out OW's name and phone numbers.

He swears on our kids' lives that nothing physical happenned and that he doesn't want to lose me, wants to spend the rest of our lives together and work on our marriage. He starts crying and realizes that he shouldn't have started anything up with this skank that he met at the bar (when he was having a drink with his friends, something he rarely does). I told him that even if nothing physical happenned, it doesn't mean that an affair didn't exist.

Then, I look at his text messages because I remember in her message, she said that she would text him. I look at the history, and there are 40 messages from her, dating to the month of Sept., where she is texting and suggesting sexual things that she wants to do with him, talking about running away to get married, eloping, missing him, etc. It was really hurtful and disgusting for me to read, and I read it outloud to him.

I confront him, and he tells me that he didn't want me to find out, and that it was just a "game" to him. However, how can I believe someone who is a liar?

He says that a week and a half ago, he has stopped taking her phone calls, but as I said, "How do you believe a liar?" He says that he wants our marriage, but I told him that 7 years ago, I dealt with his PA & EA, and I am not going through this again.

Right now, I'm numb. I don't even know what I want to do. Looking at him makes me sick. I feel he is a pig and he disgusts me. The texts that I had to read from her, sickened me. Who knows if it actually went physical. "How do you believe someone who lies?"

I just kept typing this....unfortunately, I don't know what to do with my marriage. I feel like a total idiot and I feel like a fool if I stay. I told him that I'm 44 years old and I plan on living another 50 years with someone who respects me, adores me, loves me and treats me like a wife should be treated. Help, anyone??? My life sucks right now. Oh, I forgot, I've been married for almost 15 years, and together for 17. We have 2 young children.

You hold his bare feet to the fire and ask him every detailed question possible.

In other words, he agrees to and you arrange a ....

LIE DETECTOR TEST

.... if he says "no lie detector test" .... kick him out!

Hi Maribel,

I'm so sorry for your pain. You are in a good place considering the circumstances. We have all been there.

Did you check the sent messages on his phone? He may have already deleted them now but I know it took me two days to think to check sent after I read all of the disgusting, sexually graphic things that OW had to say to my H. Sent would at least let you know how receptive he was.

God's Blessings,

Say

So sorry to hear that you are going through this again.

I am in a similar situation. My husban of 13 years had the first A, 6 years ago. It took us a long and painful year and a half to get through it to recovery. Things got much better over that time and we had our second child. I felt that things were much stronger and he worked hard to gain back the trust and work on our issues. Then at the end of August I discovered that he had been having another A. At home he was still an attentive husband and father. I had no idea.

Finding out made me numb. I kept thinking the same thing that you are. How do you believe someone who lies? He swears on our kids lives that it meant nothing, there was no emotional connection and that he loves his family and does not want to loose what we have. When I ask him why it happened, he says the opportunity preseneted itself and he was so stupid.

It has been over 2 months now. He is working very hard to recover our marriage. I on the other hand feel like I have been here before and I don't want to go through this again. We are in MC now but every day is a struggle for me because I go back and forth about what to do and I can't trust what he is telling me.

I don't have any advise for you, but I did want to tell you that you are not alone.

Hi Saynomore,

I checked the sent messages on his phone, and all I could find was a text saying "Hi" on Oct. 9th. He claims there hasn't been any contact for 1-1/2 weeks. Who knows, though. He could be lying. I can't trust anything he says anymore.

It was so disgusting to read the graphic nasty things that the OW had to say. I have a feeling that it sounded even worse when I read all of those text messages outloud to my H.

Thank you for responding to my post. I'm sorry that you are going through a rough situation too.

Hugs...
Maribel

Hi NotLaughing,

Never thought I'd be back, but then again, never thought that I would be here the 1st time. At least we have the resources and support to deal with this together. This forum has been a comfort for me.

What's terrible for me, is knowing that my H is capable of inappropriate behavior and making reckless and poor decisions that can have horrible consequences on our marriage and family.

Just 2 weeks ago, he exclaimed, "Why would I want to put myself, you & our family thru this again? I am ashamed of myself and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I don't want to hurt you or the kids. I want to stay married for the rest of our lives." blah blah blah blah blah....

Yesterday, I reminded him of what he said and told him that he is a hypocrite. Plus, when he swears on his kids' lives?? How dare he!

Just like you....I'm going thru a back & forth struggle about what to do. He's been calling me and telling me he wants to work it out. Plus, he wants to call the OW, with me sitting there, and tell her that it was a mistake, etc., etc. etc.

Anyway, thank you for reading my post and responding. I wish that we both weren't in this place.....

Hugs....
Maribel

Maribel,

I am so sorry you are facing this horror again. Sounds like your WH never examined himself to find out why he had the first affair. Didn't learn anything from it, so it happened again.

Have you two ever discussed your emotional needs with each other? Do you think you were meeting his before this second A started? Do you know what they are?

Regardless of the questions above, have you exposed this second A to his family, OW's H if she has one, and anyone else who could bring pressure on the A? If not, read up on exposure. Scary stuff, but very effective.

And, of course, Plan A. I don't know where you're going to find the strength to do that, and you might have to get proof that the A is over before you'd even want to bother. Can you hire a PI?

I wouldn't have the stamina to go through that nightmare again, and I'm a pretty tough cookie. One of the first things I told my H when we agreed to try again, even though I was still reeling with fear and pain was, "if this ever happens again, no questions asked--I'm GONE," and I meant it. I didn't know much about boundaries at the time, but I sure knew that.

I'll pass on something I heard that I will never forget. Maybe it will help you too. "People treat you the way you teach them to treat you." Go fight for your marriage, but never, ever let your H mistake you for a doormat.

Be strong, Maribel, and keep posting.

Hi Rightherewaiting...

I wasn't meeting all of my H's emotional needs before this 2nd A happenned, and he wasn't meeting mine. It seemed we were just like best friends, living in the same house.

Yes, I have exposed the A to his family. I haven't exposed the A to her H. I don't know how to get a hold of him. I only have her work phone # and her personal cell #.

When I found her voicemail on his cell phone, I flat out told my H that I wanted a divorce and that I was through with him. Well, it totally freaked him out. I believe he knew that I was serious because I wasn't crying, I was just strong, firm and mean about it. I was so angry. He had called me on his cell phone and I through him off guard when I told him "Ask OW!" He was like, "What are you talking about?" I told him, "You know what I'm talking about! I don't have time for pigs, and you are a pig! Do not waste my time and deny this" Then, I just hung up on him. He kept calling me, and calling me, and I just kept ignoring the calls.

When I saw him at home, he started crying and begged me to stay, told me he didn't know why he exchanged phone #'s and had a phone A with her. He is swearing up & down on our kids' lives that he hadn't seen her, all but the one time when he met her at the bar. I told him to stop swearing on our kid's lives. He told me that he swore on our kid's lives because he knows for a fact that he hasn't seen her or physically touched her, and he has no reason to lie about it. They have just been calling each other and playing fantasy land.

I found saved text sexing from her on his cell phone. I couldn't find any detailed sent messages on his phone, so I don't know exactly what he texted her or talked to her about. I found 40 text messages from her, 2 weeks worth, and 20 of them were "I love You" and I want to be your wife...blech...."We can run away to Vegas and get married and Elvis can marry us," Where's my ring, b*****??" "If things were different, we could live together and be inseperable," "My feelings are growing stronger," "You are so handsome, you have a nice profile," plus a lot of disgusting sex-talk.

She sounds so immature for a woman in her 30's and juvenile, but not surprising for some skank he meets in a bar.

In one of the texts, after about 2 weeks of texting and calling each other, she wanted to meet to talk (yeah right....at a grocery parking lot) and he freaked out. He told me that he asked himself, "Why am I doing this again?" He told me that he stood her up. I noticed no text messages from her after Sept. 30th, when he supposedly stood her up.

He said that he ignored her phone calls. He claims to have ignored her so that she would just go away. However, after the one week after standing her up, he sends her a simple text on Oct. 8th that said, "Hi." That tells me that he was feeling guilty and wanted to open up the door again.

Well, one day later, Oct. 9th was that voicemail that I caught where she is leaving a message for him, and ending with "I love you." I don't know if he talked to her after that date.

I just know that during the time of meeting her, he had been acting unusual. He said that he has been stressed out and scared. He said that he stopped talking to her, and that he had 2 choices....ignore her and hope that she goes away, with me never finding out OR, be honest and tell me, and risk that I will leave him. He chose to hope that she goes away. However, I found out on my own and all havoc broke loose.

D-Day (Oct.29th), seemed to be more of a horror for him, than for me. Kids found out and he said that he is ashamed of himself. He said that the kids will never ever be able to look up to him, when it comes to being honest and loyal to me because of his betrayals. I, on the other hand, wasn't sympathetic. I told him that I want to see a divorce lawyer next week. I told him that looking at him, sickened me. When he reached out to me, I told him not to touch me and I slept on the couch. That's how furious I was.

He didn't sleep and went to work a total mess. People at work said that he looked like crap. He calls me as soon as he gets to work and said that he wanted to call her (in front of me), and tell her everything that he told me....that it was wrong to exchange numbers, that he loves his wife, that he doesn't want anything to do with her, and no more contact.

I gave him an ultimatum, which I will stick to. I told him that if he doesn't do it, then it won't work out for us. So, tomorrow morning, the phone call is supposed to take place.

This weekend, I have been Plan A-ing....he has been Plan A-ing. I want to do this, without being a doormat. I'll keep updating. Thank you for reading and replying.

Maribel,

What are your conditions for giving this man a third chance? I would think that, having been through this before, you would want to up the ante. The way things were "resolved" after his first A obviously left something to be desired...

You're familiar with the information on this web site. Are you prepared to follow it this time? I suspect that by Plan A-ing, you mean you are being your best self, avoiding love busters and discussing his and your emotional needs. But are you following ALL of Plan A? That includes exposure!

I know you've exposed to your children and his family--what have they done in response to the news? One of your most effective allies in shutting down future contact would be OW's BH or boyfriend. That man would surely take action!

How computer savvy are you? I found out everything about my FWH's OW on line. You could spend $15 on a reverse-cell lookup site. Google her cell phone number and a search agency will pop up when the info you want isn't there. They'll offer to find it for a price. Worth every penny. Then look her up by last name, city and state. You might find her home phone listed under a man's name. Call the home number (blocking YOUR phone # with *67) and ask to speak to him.

'Course, that only works if she's married. My OW wasn't, and that made things a lot harder, but still, using MB principles (after attending the MB weekend) got us through that awful time.

After you've determined that he really is done with her, present your "just compensation" requirements: Marriage counseling, individual counseling for him to explore why he keeps doing this, full transparency on his part. If he's as sorry as he says he is, and not still involved with her, he should go along willingly. If he resists, I'd hire a PI. You NEED to know the truth before you make yourself vulnerable to this man again.

ETA: Good luck with that phone call you will witness tomorrow, but don't assume it guarantees no further contact. Keep watching. Guard your heart.

RWH

Rightherewaiting...

Do you think that I should let her be aware that I am listening in on the phone call? Or, should I keep quiet, so that she will know that it is HIS own idea to call her, without any influence from me??

Well, never having been so fortunate as to have my FWH offer to do such a thing, I'm not sure I'm the best one to answer this.

My gut feeling is that it's important that HE knows you are listening. If she knew you were listening, it might make her think he's only doing it to placate you and it's business as usual.

And just because he makes that phone call, don't think he couldn't make another one to her. Or that she won't contact him, even though he must tell her not to.

He must tell her that he is married, if he hasn't already (odds are, he "forgot" to mention it) and that what he's done was wrong and he intends to put things right with you by having no further contact with her, and ask her to respect that.

No, "I'm sorry I led you on;" no Take care of yourself;" NOTHING that would give her the idea that she means anything to him at all. Might be a good idea for you to write out the script for the call with him, before he makes the call. You don't want to be in the position of having to remove another poison dart from your heart because of some random comment he tosses off.

Hopefully, you'll get more advice on this before tomorrow.

Pulling for you.

RHW

Rightherewaiting...

She knows he is married and he knew she is married too. I posted in "Recovery" forum, the "No Contact" statement that I want him to say to her. I hope that it is complete enough.

My suggestion to you is, make a MC appt. Whether you think you want to be together or not, this could help you decide. also you can learn to cope with your pain and not take it with you in the future, whether you stay married, go single or get married to someone else.

right now there are two things you need to do. Tell everyone what is going on, people that you know that will put the pressure on, and find out if its still going on.

This is out of my own curiosity, (and I might already know the answer)
Did you follow the MB way with the intial A? or was it already over when you found this site?

oops I did that last post wrong, will you check inside the quote box for my questions? thanks

Hey Pepperband,

I would love to have my own lie-detector machine...it would save a lot of time and wasted energy...

Everyone,

I posted an update on the NC call in the "Recovery" section, entitled "No Contact Call (does this sound okay)?"