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35, sorry you find yourself here, but just know that there is hope. The best hope you have of saving your marriage is busting up this affair. Until that happens there is little hope of bringing your wife back to sanity. A big part of your mission, therefore, will be to do everything in your power to ruin her affair and attract her back.
The best weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so when you expose, it is like turning on the lights in a crack house. All of a sudden, that beautiful affair seems pretty sleazy when others are looking at you with horror and disgust.
The most potent weapon you have against the affair is exposure. So that means you must get the facts about her affair. Go by the OM's house to see if she is staying here, tap your phone, hire a PI. It should be simple to QUIETLY get the goods since affairees are usually very sloppy about it.
When you have the evidence of an affair, come back here and we will discuss the best strategy of exposing of the affair. You would want to target certain people and get their support for your marriage. [parents of the affairees are a great target because they can be very influential] Doing it all at once creates a tsunami effect against the affair.
You did the right thing in protecting your assets. I would also suggest that you move back into your own room TODAY. Since it is she who wants to separate, then she should be the one to sleep in the guest room, not you.
Additionally, you will want to avoid lovebusters at all costs and look for opportunities to attract her back. The OM is meeting her needs, so you do not want to look bad in comparison. The idea is to convey to her that you are willing to meet her needs if she ends her affair.
Is the OM married? What does he do? No, his wife left him about 2 years ago for another man. He supposedly is unaware of her feelings for him. I suggested she tell him her feelings and she doesn't want to. I offered to tell him and I was begged not to, because the OM is her best friend's brother also. She doesn't want to lose all of her friends over this and I'm worried somewhat about her condition if her friends find out, I don't want her to lose her mind. So far I've given her mostly what she has wanted emotionally, not financially.
D-Day 9/28/08
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is there an affair or just disclosed feelings for another person that she told you about
how often does she talk to him
has she acted on these feelings...
what are the money issues....
ark
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I didn't say to poja it
and I am not talking about not protecting
I suggested discussing what his plans for the money is for the good of the marriage as in PLAN A
Is the money for the affair is the question
till that's answered I don't know that one can support the taking of financial support away from a spouse...
he "knows" but we don't
ark The money issue is because, I trusted her with all of my finances, dumb move, but it's water under the bridge now. I found out there were several cards with balances that I wasn't aware of. My fault because maybe I should've been checking the account. Once I found out about the affair, I asked about the finances and was told. She started putting herself thru school, something I agreed to, unknowing we had so much debt. I was told that our debt was minimal, which wasn't true. She knew we weren't ok in the finances, yet she went ahead with her plans anyways, because without both of your checks in the account, she wouldn't have been able to afford school. I felt, it was my decision to put my money in a separate account and take responsibility for my financials (finally). I will continue to split bills 50/50 with her until we divorce.
D-Day 9/28/08
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No, his wife left him about 2 years ago for another man. He supposedly is unaware of her feelings for him. I suggested she tell him her feelings and she doesn't want to. I offered to tell him and I was begged not to, because the OM is her best friend's brother also. She doesn't want to lose all of her friends over this and I'm worried somewhat about her condition if her friends find out, I don't want her to lose her mind. So far I've given her mostly what she has wanted emotionally, not financially. Is this what she told you or did you talk to OM? Because WS's lie. You can tell they are lying because their lips move. Seriously. There is every chance that OM is not only still married, but that your WW is having an active, physical affair with him. There is no way to know for sure from what she says. You have to find evidence. She begged you not to say anything because it threatens the A. Waywards do everything they can to protect the A, even when it directly harms their spouse, children and other friends and family.
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The money issue is because, I trusted her with all of my finances, dumb move, but it's water under the bridge now. I found out there were several cards with balances that I wasn't aware of. My fault because maybe I should've been checking the account. Once I found out about the affair, I asked about the finances and was told. She started putting herself thru school, something I agreed to, unknowing we had so much debt. I was told that our debt was minimal, which wasn't true. She knew we weren't ok in the finances, yet she went ahead with her plans anyways, because without both of your checks in the account, she wouldn't have been able to afford school. I felt, it was my decision to put my money in a separate account and take responsibility for my financials (finally). I will continue to split bills 50/50 with her until we divorce. 35, I did the same thing. WstbxH handled all the finances. I had one hobby that was on the expensive side and all I ever heard about was how this thing was costing so much money and how I was ruining us financially. I honestly thought we were one sick day away from bankrupsy. When I looked a the account (after he asked for a divorce), it turned out that he'd been siphoning money off of it for about 8 months. Plus he was spending so much money on crap (lunches and dinners - clearly with OW) - it added up to WAY more than I ever spent. In fact, when he left the house, all the bills either stayed the same or went up (mortgage). I had to pay them all by myself on my salary alone. I actually have MORE money left over now than I did when his salary contributed to the household income. This is how grossly they can fund their affairs! FWIW, you can get past bank statements from the bank. It's a good place to start snooping.
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The money issue is because, I trusted her with all of my finances, dumb move, but it's water under the bridge now.
this statement is false....
It is perfectly normal in a healthy marriage to be able to trust a spouse with all the finances...
it's not wise too because handling all the finances can be burdonsome and worrysome....
it is best to share all aspects of bill paying/finances...
like a team...
I hope you don't see it as something that shouldn't be done...but as a great foundation to begin building trust and communication....
when a marriage has two people YOU and her working towards the betterment of the other...then you can trust a spouse with anything....
I am not clear on what it is your plan here.....
to divorce or RE-build a marriage that you helped drive in to a ditch.....
what did she spend money on exactly...that has caused you to seperate it...
ark
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No, his wife left him about 2 years ago for another man. He supposedly is unaware of her feelings for him. I suggested she tell him her feelings and she doesn't want to. I offered to tell him and I was begged not to, because the OM is her best friend's brother also. She doesn't want to lose all of her friends over this and I'm worried somewhat about her condition if her friends find out, I don't want her to lose her mind. So far I've given her mostly what she has wanted emotionally, not financially. Is this what she told you or did you talk to OM? Because WS's lie. You can tell they are lying because their lips move. Seriously. There is every chance that OM is not only still married, but that your WW is having an active, physical affair with him. There is no way to know for sure from what she says. You have to find evidence. She begged you not to say anything because it threatens the A. Waywards do everything they can to protect the A, even when it directly harms their spouse, children and other friends and family. Tabby I know for a fact that his wife left him. The OM is a mutual friend of my wife's and I. She is more friends with him because it's her Best Friend's brother. She's known her best friend for 10+ years and the brother about 7 of those years. I know for a fact he is divorced, we were all friends at one point, although I was never very good friends with the OM, but a casual friend let's say.
D-Day 9/28/08
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The money issue is because, I trusted her with all of my finances, dumb move, but it's water under the bridge now.
this statement is false....
It is perfectly normal in a healthy marriage to be able to trust a spouse with all the finances...
it's not wise too because handling all the finances can be burdonsome and worrysome....
it is best to share all aspects of bill paying/finances...
like a team...
I hope you don't see it as something that shouldn't be done...but as a great foundation to begin building trust and communication....
when a marriage has two people YOU and her working towards the betterment of the other...then you can trust a spouse with anything....
I am not clear on what it is your plan here.....
to divorce or RE-build a marriage that you helped drive in to a ditch.....
what did she spend money on exactly...that has caused you to seperate it...
ark Nothing personal, but I'd rather not go into our personal finances on the internet. She didn't blow our money, she did very good keeping all of our bills paid on time and when they were due. Once she mentioned divorce and that it would happen and there would be no second chances, I wanted to protect what little I have to protect at this point. I will still pay her half of the bills, until either we can work on reconciliation or divorce comes. I DON'T want a divorce, but I can stall for some time until I can figure out how to get her back. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. She's gone wayward, but I can forgive her. That's why I need guidance. Thank you for the reply.
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35af,
You said, She said he doesn't have these same feelings for her, but she still felt them for him
IMHO sounds like he dumped her after using her for a few experiences, and now feels nothing for her.
God Bless
NJ Well they still go off and exercise together every night. Or at least that's what's been going on for a while. I've never followed them to verify. I just don't want to know. I know that 2 others used to go too, but they got lazy, the Best friend and another friend. They all hang out together all the time. That's why when she told me it was still just friends, I believed it for so long. It wasn't until she wanted a divorce that 3 weeks later I put 2 and 2 together and figured out there was someone else she had feelings for.
D-Day 9/28/08
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I will continue to split bills 50/50 with her until we divorce. So now you're planning on divorce again? If not, please stop talking like that. Also, ARK had a great question - is this really an affair or is it that she confided to you that she had feelings for someone else? If the latter, you should be kissing the ground she walks on for telling you before it got out of hand. I REALLY think you need to just settle down and figure out exactly what is going on before you do anything else. Have you asked your wife to please not spend any more time with OM? Have you suggested your wife exercise with you instead of OM? You guys should be spending your time together, not with other people.
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I wanted to talk to her family about it and get their opinions, but she got very angry when I talked about doing just that. Thats ok if she gets mad. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making her mad at all costs. Find out the truth, call them up and ask for their support and advice. Ask them to speak to her. I disagree with that though, it's been my in laws for 7 years, I also don't know what this would hold me legally liable to? Would it be ok for me legally to do this or should I respect her privacy? I just don't know if I should travel down this road or not. It is not illegal to speak to your inlaws and she has no privacy. Her affair effects you and the rest of her family. Protecting wrongdoing ENABLES her affair, at your expense. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping her secret enables her. Also, I don't want to embarrass her or her family, they are very christian, conservative people, but I think they would understand that mistakes happen. I need more advice on this.
Thanks for the reply. They would likely be a great source of support for your marriage. They should be given that chance. And hopefully your wife will feel embarrassed. If she doesn't, that would indicate a deeper problem here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will continue to split bills 50/50 with her until we divorce. So now you're planning on divorce again? If not, please stop talking like that. Also, ARK had a great question - is this really an affair or is it that she confided to you that she had feelings for someone else? If the latter, you should be kissing the ground she walks on for telling you before it got out of hand. I REALLY think you need to just settle down and figure out exactly what is going on before you do anything else. Have you asked your wife to please not spend any more time with OM? Have you suggested your wife exercise with you instead of OM? You guys should be spending your time together, not with other people. Turtle, Thanks for replying, I am NOT planning divorce, I had started to give up. It's just me giving up, but I don't want to give in to her and that's why I am here, I want and value yours and everyone else's advice. I don't know if it's an affair, I cannot verify other than only her telling me she has feelings for another man, whom she says don't share these feelings for her. She has made a lot of changes in the last 9 months, started dieting, losing lots of weight as well as she started drinking recently, once she told me she has no more love for me, she drinks every weekend (something she never has done) and doesn't come home until the next morning. I promise you, I want my wife back, I have no doubts in my mind about this. I am still making the original changes I applied weeks ago, sometimes I just get discouraged, I am trying to remain strong. I am doing everything to remain strong and I will settle down at this point and be the loving and understanding husband going forward. I've never not been loving, I've always had a good ear, it's just that I felt I let her slip away from me. BTW, I also work with my wife, we were going to start riding separately, but I am going to try and get her to ride with me again, or is that something I shouldn't do? I will take all advice at this point, please know it's very much valued. Thank you, 35andfailed
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No, his wife left him about 2 years ago for another man. He supposedly is unaware of her feelings for him. I suggested she tell him her feelings and she doesn't want to. I offered to tell him and I was begged not to, because the OM is her best friend's brother also. She doesn't want to lose all of her friends over this and I'm worried somewhat about her condition if her friends find out, I don't want her to lose her mind. So far I've given her mostly what she has wanted emotionally, not financially. 35, I would do some sleuthing here and find out what is really happening. I don't believe you are getting the whole truth. She may be lying about her relationship with the OM to throw you off. She is clearly out doing something with someone and that is what you need to uncover. There might even be another OM. You can't do much here until you get the facts. I would check her cell phone bill, put a GPS on her car, follow her or have her followed. But you have to find out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I wanted to talk to her family about it and get their opinions, but she got very angry when I talked about doing just that. Thats ok if she gets mad. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making her mad at all costs. Find out the truth, call them up and ask for their support and advice. Ask them to speak to her. I disagree with that though, it's been my in laws for 7 years, I also don't know what this would hold me legally liable to? Would it be ok for me legally to do this or should I respect her privacy? I just don't know if I should travel down this road or not. It is not illegal to speak to your inlaws and she has no privacy. Her affair effects you and the rest of her family. Protecting wrongdoing ENABLES her affair, at your expense. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping her secret enables her. Also, I don't want to embarrass her or her family, they are very christian, conservative people, but I think they would understand that mistakes happen. I need more advice on this.
Thanks for the reply. They would likely be a great source of support for your marriage. They should be given that chance. And hopefully your wife will feel embarrassed. If she doesn't, that would indicate a deeper problem here. Melody, Thank you for replying, I agree with everything you've said and I will be doing just what you advise, I will keep you posted. I know that I shouldn't have second guessed my initial reaction to talk to her parents, because they have always been involved in our marriage and they have been there for the good times and they will be there for us in the bad. I know she is embarrassed, but I have to do what I think is right to save our marriage. Her mom and dad would be deeply concerned for her safety given the circumstances. I can't go into all of it yet, I will, but not yet. I know them very well and I know the type of people they are and they wouldn't turn their back on us, they would listen to me because I've never given them a reason not to. I've always been honest with them. Yes she would be very embarrassed, I have no doubts, but if it will save our marriage, I will have to take that chance.
D-Day 9/28/08
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She has made a lot of changes in the last 9 months, started dieting, losing lots of weight as well as she started drinking recently, once she told me she has no more love for me, she drinks every weekend (something she never has done) and doesn't come home until the next morning. Where does she say she has been? This is proof that she is having an affair, but you need to find out WHO it it. BTW, I also work with my wife, we were going to start riding separately, but I am going to try and get her to ride with me again, or is that something I shouldn't do? You should ride with her and look for any opportunity to be with her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, his wife left him about 2 years ago for another man. He supposedly is unaware of her feelings for him. I suggested she tell him her feelings and she doesn't want to. I offered to tell him and I was begged not to, because the OM is her best friend's brother also. She doesn't want to lose all of her friends over this and I'm worried somewhat about her condition if her friends find out, I don't want her to lose her mind. So far I've given her mostly what she has wanted emotionally, not financially. 35, I would do some sleuthing here and find out what is really happening. I don't believe you are getting the whole truth. She may be lying about her relationship with the OM to throw you off. She is clearly out doing something with someone and that is what you need to uncover. There might even be another OM. You can't do much here until you get the facts. I would check her cell phone bill, put a GPS on her car, follow her or have her followed. But you have to find out. I will do some sleuthing, you're right, I have the means, just never put them into play. It won't be easy but I will do it. Thank you again for your patience and advice, I will keep you all udpated daily. You all have been a lifesaver for me. Please know I'm not giving up, if it sounds like I am, give me a swift kick in the bottom and I will wake up. Thanks again, 35andfailed
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I will do some sleuthing, you're right, I have the means, just never put them into play. It won't be easy but I will do it. Thank you again for your patience and advice, I will keep you all udpated daily. You all have been a lifesaver for me.
Please know I'm not giving up, if it sounds like I am, give me a swift kick in the bottom and I will wake up.
Thanks again,
35andfailed You will be fine, 35! We will help you through this. If you will get the truth and come back here, we will help you strategize to use it in the most effective way. Sorry you are here, friend. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HI
Well, I think that you for sure need to find out the true nature of thier relationship. I remember reading that they work out together, do you know of anything else?
Speaking from experience, talk to the family. You need to get them on your side. My counsellar told me something very interesting, she said, "you know that her family is feeding her ear, so why dont you use that to help you". Let them know the whole story, bring them on your side. Tell them that you want things to work out.
If there is no affair, then keep doing the things that you need to do, in order to be together.
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Thanks for replying, I am NOT planning divorce, I had started to give up.Yeah, I know  I just don't want you talking with such a defeatest attitude, because where your thoughts go, your reality follows. she drinks every weekend (something she never has done) and doesn't come home until the next morning. Holy cow!! Where does she say she's been? I'd put ALL my sleuthing tactics into play - and be prepared, you may find out some ugly stuff. Here are some ideas: GPS on the car Voice activated recorder in the car Check cellphone records Keylogger on the computer Recorder on the home phone line Hire a PI to find out what's going on with the drinking & being out all night You should go exercise with her, you should ride to work with her, you guys should be spending time together! She won't want that right now but do it anyway. You guys are MARRIED, after all. You can use high gas prices to counter her notion to ride to work separately. She likes you helping around the house, so it's a pretty safe bet that domestic support is high on her list of ENs. You might try putting fresh flowers on the table, and then several days later get some candles and light them. What do you think her other top ENs are?
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I will do some sleuthing, you're right, I have the means, just never put them into play. It won't be easy but I will do it. Thank you again for your patience and advice, I will keep you all udpated daily. You all have been a lifesaver for me.
Please know I'm not giving up, if it sounds like I am, give me a swift kick in the bottom and I will wake up.
Thanks again,
35andfailed You will be fine, 35! We will help you through this. If you will get the truth and come back here, we will help you strategize to use it in the most effective way. Sorry you are here, friend. Thank you so much, I appreciate your patience and understanding. I will let you know and keep you all updated. I was lost and you guys found me. I already am feeling like I might have a chance. Thank you again.
D-Day 9/28/08
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