Hello,

I think you're right also. I will let you know in the next couple of days on this. Stay tuned and thank you for the advice, I will keep my head up as I think it's about to get tougher. Advice taken.

35andfailed

The more I think about it, she's a private person and sleuthing if she found out, would be really hard for her to overcome with me. I will say this, I have a pretty good idea where she's at most of the time, believe it or not. I won't say I know for sure, because I really don't, but I noticed that she is trying to rebuild trust with me. I will go into specifics when I have more time to write it up this weekend. I've been replying mostly from work, but the boss has laid a ton of work on me and I haven't been able to write more details. That will change this weekend. I will spill my guts in a very long post, I feel that it won't fall on deaf ears, the support you all have given me has been unbelievable and I think I need to tell you all everything.
EN's.. hmm. Cleaning the house is at the top of the list. I think exercise would be another big deal to her, for me to exercise. Spending more time together would definitely rank up there as well. It's hard to pull her away from her friends. I thought about showing up at their nightly spot, but not sure how that would be received by the others. I'm sure it would make them uncomfortable and her as well. Hard to say, thoughts? Ideas on this? If I know where they go, would I be crashing the party if I showed up?
Should I try and talk to the OM and let him know what's going on? He's a mutual friend of sorts. I'm not sure if he would tell her or not and if he would listen, because of what his wife did to him. I don't know if I'm ready to crash her party yet or not. I know I should be ready to, but I don't want to put too much pressure on her too quickly.
I'm still open to all ideas, the idea of talking with her family is still up in the air. I'm trying to make sure I'm making the right decision before I do it. I know her parents would be receptive to me, they know me well, never given them a reason to think badly of me, and they have always trusted us a lot.
I will think on all the ideas overnight, can't wake up to read more advice, I think I'm addicted to this forum

Thank you all very much
35(trying not to fail)

35, your wife does not have the right to the "privacy" to have an affair. This is pertinent information about your life to which you are entitled. You have a moral obligation to find out what she is doing so you have a chance to protect yourself and save your marriage. She is probably sleeping with someone and exposing you to STDs. You would be derelict to not investigate. There will be nothing LEFT to "overcome" if you don't get to work here and start taking some steps to save your marriage.

Let me assure you that you have a RIGHT, as her husband, to know everything she does and says. This is YOUR LIFE too.


A woman who stays out all night is not trying to "rebuild trust," 35. That is a profoundly silly statement. Trust is demonstrated by trustworthy behavior and your wife is not behaving in a trustworthy manner.

35, the bottom line here is that you cannot save your marriage by sticking your head in the sand and pretending all is well. If your marriage is in trouble, it is imperative that you find out the truth so you can fix it.

There is no point in discussing anything else because everything else is contingent on you finding out the truth. This train can't move forward until that happens.

I would confront the OM, but do it in a such a way that it wont work against you. Now that is something that I would do, it really depends on what your relationship is like with him.

I am 99% sure where she is, she is staying with her best friend, who lives next door to the OM or she is at the OM's house, who has 4 roommates. Tonight she will be out all night again and after I told her how bad the allnighters bother me, even though she doesn't love me, she has vowed never to do an allnighter again. I'm not sure why she is trying to please me if she is planning on a divorce from me.
Today I told her I am starting the gym, since she won't be around and I'll be able to do it. She thinks I'm making it up, but I have motivation to start, and a membership to the gym I've had all along and tonight after work, I'll go to the gym and work out for at least an hour and this will become part of my routine. Just like the housework that I do and write down everything I do, per the counselor. I will go to the gym and write it all down as well. This helps me to remember exactly what I've been doing. I post this on the fridge, that way I know and she knows and she sees that I am making these changes. Once I see it, I know that I am accomplishing my goals in life to make changes and stick with them. I also started back to church last weekend and I will make that stick as well. I'm making changes for the better, I won't let anything hold me back on this. Even if I lose my wife, I will feel good knowing I made positive changes to better myself.
Today we rode together, and originally we talked about her moving out for a week, but now I'm trying to take that back. If she stays next week (and she doesn't want to move out for a week because the house she would have to live in is disgusting) I will try to get her to split the ride with me to 'save money'.
I also slept in the bed with her again last night, she asked me if I was going to and I told her that I would like to, the other bed isn't comfortable, it's a guest bed, but that's obviously not the reason for going back to 'our' bed.

Thank you,
35andtrying

Thank you for the kind words. My only regret is that I didn't find you all 3 weeks ago when this all started to come out. I wished I would've done things differently, but I will let you all guide me down the right path now. I feel so much better about life now. Thank you again, it means a ton!

You are right, I cannot take a passive approach. The wife will be out tonight, supposedly without the OM. I will call him and ask him for a talk. I will also be talking to the parents very soon as well. The wife will be upset, but again, you're right, if I don't put a stop to all of this, it will go on regardless and I have nothing to lose but my wife and if I don't act, I lose her anyways.
I will keep you all updated over the weekend as this unfolds hopefully for the better. You all are my lifeline at this point. I have a lot of faith in you all that you will help me rebuild my marriage one day at a time. I only wish you all were nearby so I had someone to talk to in person, but this will do just fine. I had listened to my friends early on and all guys tell you is to separate your finances and screw your wife over and move on and that's not the person I am. I think I can learn to forgive and move past this. She's a good person at heart, who's gone astray and I think she can get past this phase and I can make the permanent changes that I need to make in my life as well.
Thank you all again,
35andtrying

Just remember that she's in a fog, not herself right now. So she may be mad now, but if you straighten everything out, you get your marriage back and the fog evaporates, she will thank you for 'rescuing' her from herself.

35, I would not contact him. You need evidence FIRST. You need to know what she is doing and with WHOM. You can't get that information from liars, you must follow her or have her followed and get the goods. Contacting him NOW will show your hand before you get the goods and cause them to go further underground. Understand? You have to be STRATEGIC here in order to win.

Can you hire a PI to follow her tonight? Or can you and a friend do this?


Well, they did lead you right about the finances, but that is about all!

That's not what Mel asked you, and it's a VERY good question.
Where does SHE SAY she has been?
Not where do you THINK she has been?
Have you asked her where she goes, what she does, who she's with? If so, what does SHE SAY she's doing, and where, and with whom?

Why aren't you going with her to exercise? Why are you making your own plans separate from her, rather than integrating your life with hers a little better?

Tell her, straight up: I don't want you to move out. I want you to stay.

If she moves out, she will be paying all her rent, utilities, and food, right? Also, if she moves out, you should stop paying for ANYTHING of hers - car payment, insurance, EVERYTHING! You support her financially when she's acting like your wife, but not when she's acting like she's single.

Why did you not tell her "I'm your husband, this is my home too, and I'm sleeping in our bed."

Why do you not speak honestly with your wife about simple things like wanting her to stay and why you're sleeping in your bed? If I were your wife, I'd be moving out because you clearly don't care whether or not we're in the same home or bed.

I suspect you haven't asked her where she goes when she's out all night, which tells her you don't care.

If you care about your wife, you need to let her know. You need to be straightforward, open, and honest about it. If you can't tell her the good and happy things, how are you going to communicate difficult things to her?

I don't know about tonight. We live just south of a big metro city and they are going into that city. It's such short notice, I will have to see. I won't confront him, but is her admitting to me her feelings for him not enough?
What do I do about the parents, should I not seek to speak with them?

I'm not good at multi quoting, so let me try this with numbers.

1.) When she goes out, she tells me where she is going. She never leaves without telling me where she'll be. I don't know how else to answer that question.
2.) I haven't exercised with them because they go biking and I can't keep up with them, they've been doing it for 6 or so months and they are way better than me. The bike I have can't keep up, it's not a road bike. I've asked to go and I get told no, you will only hold 'us' up. I haven't tried to just show up anyways. I know where they go biking, I've been once or twice.
3.)I don't want her to leave, I was having a hard time emotionally and wanted to us to be separate before I found you guys. Now that I'm following all of your advice, that's in the past and I'm trying to stay the course of getting her back, trust me I didn't want her to leave, I was just struggling emotionally and I could tell I was driving her nuts with my emotions. I am keeping my emotions under control from here on out. I need to be strong and I know that.
4.) When she's out, I have called to check on her, not ask her where she is, just make sure that she's ok. Last night when she was out, I called and told her I just wanted to make sure she was ok, she said she was, and I told her to be careful and that was it. I do this often, I'm worried about her well being and her safety.
5.) I have asked here where she is. This is what I was saying, she's at OM's sisters house, which is right next door to OM's house. OM and sister and 2 others and W go to back of houses and drink and/or go to a party, then come home and drink and then pass out or sleep at one of the houses. This is what she told me is going on. Sometimes I ask, and other times she tells me. She tells me she wants me to know where she is so I don't have to call her, but I still call anyways. It's hard to talk to someone who's extremely drunk, so sometimes I call after she's drunk and sometimes before and after. Either way, I'm concerned for her well being when she's that intoxicated.
6.) I am sorry guys, I'm trying to tell you all I have, since I stopped doing what I feel and I'm doing what you all are suggesting. I only found this forum 2 days ago, so please be easy on me. I made some bad decisions on how I handled this prior to finding this forum. I promise, any advice I am given is exactly what I will do. I can't make excuses for the things I did before I found this forum, only to say that I didn't know what to do and was on an emotional roller coaster and had succumb to the idea that I was soon getting divorced. I know I may have made mistakes but I'm trying like heck to fix them with everyone's advice. I value this advice very dearly as I have no where else to turn. Please bear with me.I will do everything instructed by you all, it's just taking some time.

Can you hire a PI?

35, you do realize your wife is having an affair with this man, right? You can't be that dense, my friend. How about driving over there about 3am and knocking on OM's door. I bet you will find your wife in bed with him.

I guess I was trying to be sensible. I will ask her where she's staying tonight. I will check both houses tonight and find out, there will be either 1 of 2 she will be at. I can knock on OM's door, it's not a problem. What am I supposed to do if she's in that house then? I don't understand what I can do or what I should do. I'm not dense, I promise you that. I may be too emotionally soft, but I'm far from being an idiot.

I don't have the funds for it right now. But, with that said, I do have someone who's not a PI, but has the ability to do the job and has done it in the past. I also do know a friend of a friend that is a PI. I need to start finding out who can help me.
I want to talk to W's father about this. He's always been good to us and is very christian and I know he would listen to me. I would have to have his confidentiality, to keep it from her mom, whom she has 'supposedly' spoke with . She told me I could call her mom to verify what has been told. I highly doubt she told her mom everything. That's where her dad will be told everything and I know how he will react, he will want his daughter back on he right track. My wife will listen to her dad, she always has said this. If anyone can get thru to her, it would be her dad.

If she's in his house, you expose the affair to anyone and everyone who can stop it. Make it look like the ugly, dirty thing that it is, instead of the cool, sneaky fun thing they are telling themselves. Make them live with the disapproval of all their friends and families. Do they work together? Expose at work. Go to the same church? Tell the pastor and ask for his help. Ask everyone for their help to get your wife back. She'll be mad, get ready for it, but it means you might have a chance.

As it is, you have NO chance to get your wife back. Why should she? She is cake-eating, getting to have you AND him. Who could ask for a better life? So go on with Plan A and pull the rug out from under her.

You need to grow some you know what, and stand up for yourself. Being too nice is NOT attractive, and brings on contempt.

I would say something like "I wanted to see for myself where you were, and now I know." then leave. Finding her in OM's house in the middle of the night is pretty solid evidence. I would also take a camera and get as much pictures as possible.

Then when she comes home, you can tell her you know all her about affair and ask her to end her affair. She will probably say no, and then we will help you on an exposure strategy that will mess up the affair. But don't tell her that is your goal. Just ask her to end her affair.

How does that sound? Also, do you have a friend who could come with you who could be a witness?

You're right, I have to show my other side. I'm too nice of a guy. I will keep a level head but things should get interesting in the next 24 hours. I'm planning for a big change. You're right, I have NO chance if I continue to do nothing. I've been taking all of the advice and working on it a plan.

I want to talk to her dad, are you saying that I can talk to them about this with or without further evidence? I've already asked her to end the affair and she said no, that's her friend. I said, no, he's no longer a friend, he's someone you have feelings for. She won't hear of it. I didn't think she would.
She also balked at me calling it an affair. She said she wasn't having sex and he wasn't interested in her. I told her, it's still an affair according to what I read.