I met my wife in high school and I know then she was the one for me. I waited for her to finish college before I married her she was 22 and I was 25. We put off having kids right away because we wanted to be ready financially. So about a year and a half ago we moved to our new house and started trying to have kids. Month after month nothing happened. She was so stressed out she lost her job then started to distance herself from our friends that had children. She began to stay out all night with her single friends at clubs and then about 6 weeks ago she moved out. She told me that God is telling us something because we couldn't have kids and we are not supposed to be together. I tried to talk to her but she kept avoiding me. She agreed to go to counceling and we went together one time then after that I went by myself. She just gave up. Last weekend I helped her move into her new apartment. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm trying to be supportive and caring but I don't know what else to do. During our time away I've been trying to get my mind off it by working out and staying busy but I'm having a hard time. I don't know what to do next. I'm I doing everything ok so far?

Two thoughts. First, you shouldn't have gotten attached at such a young age. People don't stop changing and growing until at least 25. What they thought they wanted at 18 may not even compare to what they want at 25. So it is entirely possible that she honestly doesn't want that future with you any more. If so, you are SOL.

That said, going to clubs?

She is most likely either shagging another guy or being flirted with by another guy, so she's starting to wonder if the grass is greener.

For future reference, NEVER let your spouse go clubbing without you. IMO, it is the number one way to ensure your spouse will have an affair, even if it's just a one-night stand.

Anyway, if you want to keep her, the first thing you need to do is snoop. Hire a PI, put a keylogger on her computer to see who she's emailing; check the phone records to see who she's calling or texting; put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car seat to see who she talks to when she's not around you.

Get this done with first, so you will know what you're dealing with. If it turns out she's innocent, then you can move on to Plan A.

Read here about Plan A. It means you become the person she would want. Ask for more information.

Cat, I don't think age has anything to do with it...

That said, I agree with the advice you gave completely.

KeepingSM,

It sounds to me like your wife might be having an affair, either physical or an emotional affair. You do need to try to find out for sure. If there is someone else, THAT is the problem in your marriage. Nothing else can be fixed if there is another guy waiting in the wings.

Snoop in what ever way you can to learn the truth.

Mark

Thanks for your advice. I'm going to do some snooping. Would if I just flat out asked her? She would tell me the truth shes not one to hold back.

You can ask if you'd like. You won't get the truth, but you can ask.

If she is involved in an affair, even an emotional affair with no physical component as of yet she will lie her butt off. That's not a judgment of your wife, just a description of waywards. They all lie, it's what they do.

Snoop first and then confront her with what you find, but not a piece here and one there. Gather intel first and then show her your proof. Even then she will probably try to down play it all. She'll say they are "just friends" and a bunch of stuff like that. She'll tell you that OM has nothing to do with the trouble between you. She say that she's been unhappy for ______ (fill in the blank) years, she thinks you got married for the wrong reasons, got married too young, too soon, too late, that she never really loved you...

They all say that stuff so understand that it is all just fog babble of the wayward.

What can you do to try to find out? Can you hire a PI? Do you have access to her computer or her email? Cellphone records? Phone bill? Can you watch her clandestinely some Friday or Saturday night?

Mark

I have access to her phone records, email, and Myspace page. I haven't found anything. I can't afford a PI and my car stands out like a sore thumb (I wish I had a Camry at this point). I'll keep looking but I'm happy I haven't found anything it gives me hope.

You helped her move into an apartment? you wanted her with you but helped her move out? why? How in that have you shown her you want her?
I would agree that it sounds like she has met someone else, thats the info you need to find out first.

[quote]Two thoughts. First, you shouldn't have gotten attached at such a young age. People don't stop changing and growing until at least 25. What they thought they wanted at 18 may not even compare to what they want at 25. So it is entirely possible that she honestly doesn't want that future with you any more. If so, you are SOL [/quote

this is an insignificant and an insensetive statement.

I don't know if helping her move out was the right idea or not but she didn't have anyone else. I reminded her that your true friends show up on moving day. Now I have a new problem I went onto her bank account and saw that she has only $5 left. What do I do? Do I help her and give her money or let her go broke?

I would say don't give her money, not just yet. Do you know that its her ONLY account? Why did she move out so hastily if she didn't have money? I am not trying to be judgemental, truly, just trying to get to the bottom of things.

Maybe insensitive (but then, we DO give 2x4s around here to get posters to accept facts some times), but hardly insignificant. People in their late teens have a much harder time surviving a marriage than those who marry after they have graduated college and started a career. Why? Because each of us has a 'dream' of what we will be when we 'grow up.' Once you marry, that dream by necessity suddenly takes a back burner to what the marriage needs, no matter what you plan at first. The aspiring fashion designer sure won't be moving to New York if her H doesn't have a job there; the budding motorcycle racer will have to hang up his helmet when the wife says 'think of the kids.' Then resentment sets in. 7 year itch, greener pastures, the 'why' component.

Catperson,

I understand but to give a pych lesson on why they should have gotten together in the first place just seemed inappropriate to me for the situation
I got that from the family back in the day, I had a baby that wasen't born yet and one on my hip and people saying that we got married to young, then let me set down the things I have here. its neither here nor there at this point, whats done is done.
it wouldn't of mattered if I would of waited until I was 30 to get married to this man, he still would of been the same.

I didn't give her the money. If she askes for it I will. The reason she left with no money is because when she lost her job we had to tap into our savings, then she got a new job that only pays half of what the old one did. To make things worse when she moved in with her friend 6 weeks ago she started spending like crazy because I was always in control of the money (a choice we made together when we got married). She moved into her own place quickly from there because her and the friend were fighting.

As far as the age thing I met her when she was 14 and fell in love as soon as I saw her. She on the other hand didn't feel the same so we stayed friends in high school until I was in college. We got serious after she graduated High school. I know falling in love when I was 17 sounds crazy but I stil feel the same way about her.

doingfine, I understand that you're applying my response to your own experience. But in this man's case, he is not facing facts. She has had this man by her side since she was, what, 14? You can look in any psychology textbook, and they will tell you that the chances for her 'waking up' one day and saying 'is that all there is' are highly likely. He needs to be aware of why she may be doing what she's doing, if he wants to deal with it appropriately. If you don't understand why a person does what he does, you can't address it. In fact, you may hurt things more.

Cat, ok that very well could be. That is highly possible that this could be her reason.


KeepingSM, When you say you controlled the money, exactly how was it you controlled it?
Do you think you were/are a controlling person?
You really haven't put in detail exactly what your married life was like, do you want to write your story?

I was the one that balances the checkbooks and lets her know whats in there and stuff like that.

Our marrige was pretty happy up until now. We had some problems in the beginning simular to what we are going through now. After a year of marriage she started to do the party thing, going out all night I finally got tired of it all and left. I was gone for 2 weeks then she called me said she missed me and after awhile we worked it out. The reason we had problems that time was because I was playing video games all the time and not paying attention to her. So I stopped and we were ok. Since then we've been fine until we started trying to have a baby. After a year of trying it really started to stess us out. Thats when she started having problems with work and freinds. I'm thinking you guys are right that she may "waking up" and there won't be much I can do. I'm not ready to give up is there any books I could read that can help me on this?

hang on, don't go away, maybe I can get someone in here that is more seasoned then me?
Are you up for some serous help?
It will get down to the nitty gritty, are you up for it and willing to hang in there?

I'm sorry. I didn't tell you that as a reason for giving up. I just meant that you need to address the 'new' wife, and what her new goals for life are. She's still the same person you love, so fight for her!

Are you following the steps recommended here? Basically a Plan A which means you stop Love Busting her (doing things that make her unhappy) and start meeting her Emotional Needs. You need to be that one person who has everything to offer that she wants (except allowing her to go clubbing).

Become this amazing person who provides everything, doesn't make her feel bad, is all about her, makes her feel special and equal...

There are questionnaires here for LBs and ENs. If she won't fill out the LB one, try to do it to the best of your ability, figure out what she doesn't like. Then stop doing them! Later, do the EN questionnaire, and let her see that you are willing to meet all of her ENs.

She was in love with you at one time; you just need to get her to see that in you again. You can do it!

Ok I'm finally getting over the depression and pain from the initial shock. Until latley I haven't slept or ate very well and in that condition I can barley save myself let alone my marriage. This weekend will be very busy I'm going out with freinds tonight and spending the day with dad tomorrow. My best quality is my patients and stubburness to give up so by monday I'll be ready for the fight. I just can't imagine myself with anybody else. We have so much history together. We saw each other graduate high school and college, she was there when my grandmother died and when my nieces were born and I knew her brother when he was 4 years old and now he's graduating! Sure I can move on and find somebody else but that history cannot be replaced.

then find out exactly what is going on, find out exactly why she left.

Ok with all the snooping I've done I havent found any evidence of an affair. But I was talking to a friend of ours that went to a club with her and said my wife was playing "wingwoman" for one of her single friends a few weeks before she left. So it looks like she enjoyed all the attention from other guys and went for greener pastures. It has nothing to do with not having kids and all that stuff like she said. Its amazing how in a situation like this you don't realize whats going on but looking back it was completely obvious. Well I've learned the hard way to keep the wife out of clubs.