Is it "normal" for a man to trim/shave his genital area? My H trims his pubic hair "short & neat" and shaves bare, his scrotum and the "stray" hairs at the base of his penis.<P>He's not doing this for me since we only had relations a few times per month.(that happens when a H only comes home once per week)<BR>Of course now we're separated & I haven't seen him since Sept.21st. I've just been going over alot of things in my mind. This has bothered me for a very long time. I am beginning to suspect my H is a sexual addict. <BR>I would also like opinions if the following "clues" might mean I'm right:<BR>1)pornography hidden in upstairs bathroom AC vent(in floor)<BR>2)excessive masturbation even when our sexlife was "happening".<BR>3)during intimate moments always saying things like,"I want to see you get ****ed by someone else".<BR>4)likelyhood of multiple affairs, only 1 confirmed<BR>5)obsession with anything pornographic...ie.pics, movies, internet, etc.<P>Thanks in advance for replies.<P> <P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

Hi Kyra<BR>I have often wonderd the same, some things you mention in your post my H does aswell, I don't have the answer for you but will keep a close eye on this post for answers, perhaps some one can shed some light on this for me too.<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Kyra,<P>Wow!!! what a subject...lol dont know that too many guys would post to this but I am game to have a go at it...not that I regard myself as an expert or nothing...but can relate to some of what you have asked about...so here goes...may get a few flames from the clergy oriented here...lol ..but what the hell..<P>Shaving...I think whatever one feels comfortable with is normal...guys shave down for swimming and other sport.... men shaving their armpits was once regarded as perverse too...<P>Pornography...I dont know of many males in my aquaintances or friends past and present that dont enjoy the female form nude or in pornography...but I do know many that would deny it...<P>Masturbation...I can only speak for myself...its something I enjoy as a form of relaxation and pleasure...I dont use or see it as a substitute for sex....it is different and use it as often as I feel like...sometimes its everyday regardless of active sex...sometimes not...what is regarded as excessive to some is childsplay to others...so this is relative to individual perception....<P>Multiple affairs...I had them over a period of 10 yrs....<P>Obsession with anything pornographic....I would have classed myself as that yes....until I found it boring....when you can see and get so much of it on the net, you do get past it....<BR>I can still enjoy looking and flirting now and again but its rare, and only because its boring to me...not out of fear of my W finding out ....we have long gone past that and have no secrets or hang ups about it at all...<P>Self Summary....would I class myself as addicted to sex..?.....yes I was....<P>I think the underlying fears of intimacy affect many men and they have this problem as a result of that.... the acts are buried, hidden, furtively conducted in private and viewed as being perverted and not 'NORMAL'.....<P>Under therapy and counselling I found this to be normal behaviour driven by desperate need to be close....but because of the fear of being hurt rejected, abandoned, (childhood experience memory) fantasies and sexual acts of self gratification are carried out in relative safety (alone) (at a distance) as a substitute closeness that keeps one yearning for more and more, because the closeness can never be achieved.....<P>When a guy who suffers from this marries and gets close to the one he loves (W)..his fear comes up and he has to distance himself from her and the need to get close becomes more urgent...so his merry go round continues...some never get off it....<P>In my opinion deep inner work is required and expert help needed to get to the bottom of this....<P>Maybe other guys think differently... <P>cossie...<BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

I'll take a stab at this.....<BR>The shaving thing: my H does this also, just like you said. If you watch porno you will see that MOST guys in the movies do this (women also). It looks neater, IMO, and is no big deal....if that were the ONLY clue.<P>Porno: My H and I enjoy this together. IMO, when wives disapprove, husbands still look at it, but it becomes a secretitiive thing, and shameful. It should not be used as a subsitute for sex, but again, like the sahving, it is not big deal unless your personal, and religious beliefs tell you otherwise.<P>Masterbation: We all do it, face it. Again, no big deal....unless it becomes a n obsession. My H and I have a VERY active sex life and we still masterbate. Don't obsess over it, or he will egin to also. This is our God given rite, to please ourselves. Again, unless it is to the extreme. <P>Fantasies: Yep....same here! Listen to your gut. It is OK to have fantasies, heck we all do! It is when you suppress them that troubles start...(AFFAIRS! and all). Talk openly with your H about your fantasies, and allow him to talk about yours. Do only what you are comfortable with, but step outside the comfort level for a second or two...you might surprise yourself! <P>Good luck, and keep us "posted"<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Hi all,<P>Kyra, all of the symptoms you offered DO spell sexual addiction. Plain and simple. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am in the same situation as you, have been for 14 years, my H is abstinent from his sexual addiction behaviors, BUT he has not worked on the underlying problems which caused the addiction in the first place so we are now going through great stress to do that. And depending on how long you have been married, you may also need to work on your own issues as I am having to do.<P><BR>There is help for sex addiction and the codependency which goes with it. There are various approaches. You can find some at various websites all over the net, a few good ones include:<P>Heart to Heart Counseling Centers, Doug Weiss' website: <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com/</A> <P>The Meadows, (Patrick Carnes is a leading authority on sexual addiction and Pia Mellody is an authority on codependency): <A HREF="http://www.themeadows.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.themeadows.org/</A> <P>The Weinhold's website (they have books for do it yourselfers and counseling services for those who do not like the 12 step way or philosophy but who want help): <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> First click on the Counterdependency book link.<P>This is what John Bradshaw another leader in codependency and addiction problems says about the Weinhold's work and latest book on counterdependency:<P>""Counter-dependency is the untalked about polarity of co-dependency. One reason many severely do-dependent people go without treatment is the failure to focus on counter-dependency. Many lonely, agoraphobic, rebellious, sexually-addicted people are counter-dependent. Most of us who define ourselves as co-dependent, exhibit some counter-dependent behaviors. <P>We need this book to fill a gap in our understanding of co-dependency. The Weinholds are experts in this field. I recommend the Weinholds' work as having the highest integrity. This is a crucial addition to the literature on co-dependency."<P>John Bradshaw, author of Homecoming and host of the nationally televised PBS series.<P>Kyra and anyone else who has this problem...<BR>If you would like to talk with me directly as one who is going through the same things as you and one who knows of more resources for help and support, email me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com<P>Much peace and prayers to you.<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)

Kyra,<BR>I will try to answer these as best I can without declaring myself a certified "sex addict".<BR>1. Hidden porno - Yes, I did it. My wife didn't share my taste in literature so I would hide it. If other wives want to find the stash, check in high places you can't normally reach, low places you wouldn't normally stoop to look and under things you wouldn't normally move.<BR>2. Excessive masturbation - "What's excessive?" I did it once or twice per week for recreation in addition to 3-4 interludes with W.<BR>3. Sexual fantasies with others - Never even considered seeing W with others. <BR>4. Multiple affairs - Never had one.<BR>5. Obsession with porn - If I happen to see some naked flesh while channel surfing, sure I stop surfing long enough check it out.<P>Now I'm not a real doctor I just play one on the internet. But, I have a question for you. Are you asking if this is "normal" so that you can have enough information to decide that he is sick and that is why he did what he did. It is probably not that simple. There are probably other things which made him leave. Are you searching for a reason to let him come back? Don't waste your energy trying to analyze why he has hurt you. There was probably nothing you could have done to prevent him from leaving.