I discovered 4 years ago that my wife was having and affair. To make a very long story short, she later confessed to multiple affairs.

I was 23 years old when we married and was 45 when the affair was discovered. The affairs she later confessed to had been going on for 5 years. Once discovered, she abandoned the current affair (even though it was the most dangerous one and would have eventually led to her leaving me). MarriageBuilders techniques were implemented to effect this result (again a very long story).

Since that time, I'm certain that she's been true to me, and our relationship is better than ever...except....I can't get over it. I'm miserable, and I still feel the humiliation. I'm now 49 years old.

I want a spouse who is my best friend, my lover, my sole mate. I want to give everything I have to her. I can never see that as a possibility with my wife now. Do I care for her? Certainly! Can I ever have the relationship I desire with her? NO!

Here's my deepest fear....growing old alone. Do you see my dilemma? I've been with her since I was a young man. I don't know what to expect out there in the world. She's a beautiful woman, and claims to love me. I'm successful and decent looking, but the clock is ticking.

I hurt every day but can stand up to it if I have to. I want more happiness out of life. Is it too late to start over?

Have the two of you gone to counseling to learn how to be honest and happy with each other? You really need to, even if it is just individual counseling.

Did you enact any restitution from her, i.e., safeguards, her being remorseful, etc.? What happened after D-day? It sounds like you're feeling resentful and you can't survive together like that.

That said, if you can get past this hurt, and become best friends - completely honest with each other - you can have that better life, together.

Are you following the MB concepts with eliminating LBs and meeting ENs?

rw843

Is the marriage good? Yes this is a very general question. The reason is to allow a detailed answer to get better insight.

How is your triggering?

Is your WW transparent so you can verify there is NC with the past OM's and no new OM?

How's the SF, quantity, quality?

How open was your WW with the details of her affairs?

How did you find out about her affairs?

The Road asked excellent questions.

There is no magic bullet out there. In other words, no relationship is perfect. That said, there are a few obstacles which I think it is very hard to overcome in a marriage. The first is loss of trust. It takes years to rebuild trust, and it can only be done if the hurtful behavior stops. I also think that there comes a time when even if the hurtful behavior stops, the damage has been so hard wired that a person cannot trust the offender again. And, in my case, when I tried to "act" trust, I got physically ill.

The second obstacle that I think is extremely hard to overcome is loss of respect. When loss of respect is a result of wildly different values and world-views, it's extremely hard to overcome because actions won't really do it. The person will need to change his or her thoughts and beliefs as well as actions in order for the respect to be regained. It can happen, but I think it takes a pivot point.

If you are suffering from either or both of these, it may be that you will be happier divorced. Just keep in mind that you won't be in any condition to date for a couple of years. But, honestly, there's no rush. Say you're 53 before you start dating. At 53, the 2-3 wave of divorcees are becoming available. People like you, who had been married for 20 years or more, and are now alone. Even if you get married at 54, you'll still be middle aged, not old. You'll have 15, 20, 30 good years together.

Finally, being alone is not so bad. You get to do what you want when you want. There's a sense of confidence born of doing it all, from home fix-it projects, to cooking to mowing the lawn. Being alone for a while will give you a sense of security that you cannot imagine.

Besides, most of us aren't as alone as we think. We have friends and family, and if we're a good friend to others, they'll be there for us. If you don't have children, be the best uncle. Even if you don't remarry, you won't be alone.

And get this, once you aren't afraid to be alone, you attract others to you.

Thanks for your responses, particularly yours Greengables because it hits at what I'm curious and concerned about. Let me answer a couple of the questions posed.

I discovered her affair after reading a letter on her computer...quite by accident I should add. The usual process then began of denial, admission, resentment, etc. I offered to bow out and let her go. She declined and promised to end the affair. A few days later I learned that she had not and was continuing to communicate with the OM. I then changed my tone and insisted on a divorce, no longer willing to be graceful in accepting what occurred. When faced with my new position on the matter, she broke down emotionally and admitted everything including numerous other affairs over 5 years that I had no idea about nor would have ever discovered. She then definatively ended the current affair with the OM the next day. Furthermore, she spent the next week disclosing to me everything that had brought her to her infidelity and full details of all the affairs.

We spent months understanding our own individual failings, and I certainly understand my own responsibilities for this tragedy. We analyzed our emotional needs, and I believe although not perfect, I do a much much better job of meeting hers. I suppose I would say the same about her.

She is completely transparent now. Although foolish then, I'm not so easily fooled when I'm paying attention. I'm completely confident that absolutely no contact has occurred with the OM since that fateful cathartic day. All the OM involved were married themselves and I informed all of their wives of what went on. I know this can be argued as the right or wrong thing to do, but my view at the time was that this was my family that was under assault, and I was prepared to do anything to prevent any embers from flaring up.

I must tell you that I did one other thing that may not be the smartest thing, but again, I was circling the wagons at the time. Early after these unbelievable disclosures of serial affairs, I had a lot of trouble believing anything. Upon investigating these affairs, I found letters and emails that revealed plans to divorce me and detailed advice from the OM on property division, child support, and so on. I couldn't get this out of my mind. I own two businesses that are successful and that I built from the ground up. So, althought the affair had ended and WW professed her return to me, I retained an attorney and divorced her. I didn't do it with malice. I could not move forward without being sure that my businesses are protected from her and that is what I insisted upon and got in the divorce. To be sure, she is not a destitute housewife. WW is a very successful professional and her income equals mine, but property is property and a liquidation of my businesses would have put me at a disadvantage. The intent was to re-marry after the legal protections were in place. That has not happened, so although we live together, no legal marriage exists.

The triggers are everywhere. Her affairs occurred while she travelled in her business. Every time we stay in a hotel, I wonder if it is the one she stayed in with the OM when they met in that city. Sadly, I can't get these OM out of our bedroom either. Intimacy is a trigger as well.

Greengables, you bring up two very good points regarding trust and respect. Trust is absolutely gone and will never return. The reason is that prior to the DD she had my total trust. So much so, that five years earlier, I received an anonymous letter informing me of her first affair and I laughed it off as a pathetic attempt of one of her disgruntled subordinates to hurt her. So much for only believing what you see with your own eyes. This absolute trust issue goes to the second point regarding respect. She had my trust because she has always been a person of high moral values and christian faith. She talked the talk and I believed walked the walk. Finding out otherwise has shaken my respect for her immensely.

I intended to spare you all the long narrative, but I don't know an easier way to answer some of the questions.

Thank you for your comments Greengables. I guess I always looked at myself as a youthful guy. The big 4-0 didn't bother me but I'm having a little mid-life crisis as 50 approaches. You're right I think.

May I suggest that you're not in the proper forum for this discussion. Note that this particular forum is for those who have been divorced already. I am not insensitive to your issues, I feel you may be better served elsewhere.

Booka, he said he is divorced

What do your friends and family think of your decision to move back in with your ex-wife? Don't they know what she did to you?

Somehow I still feel that this is not the right place for the subject of re-establishing a relationship with your XW. Most people here have moved beyond the shadows of their exes and are pursuing other interests. I don't define moving in with your XW and the issues of trust involved with doing so a subject of dating. I may be in the minority with my opinion, but I'll stick to it. Emotional Needs or GQII are probably better forums for this situation.

Personal, my XW is a cheater and I would never take her back. My self-esteem will not allow it. I choose not to sink to her level and have since risen far above it. The past is dead and the debts of the past cannot be repaid.

My counsel is to let her go, move beyond your past, make yourself whole and not so needy, work on your insecurities, self-esteem, self-validation, and self-confidence. They will pay off other dividends in other aspects of your life.

Let her go. Let it go.

Oh, and she's not your wife if you're currently divorced from her. A technical point to be true, but you will confuse others and perhaps yourself. She is your XW.

R, being already divorced really changes the situation. You aren't really committed to saving your marriage with this woman because you already divorced her. I'm not sure how invested in the relationship you are either.

I think you two should consider some good marital counseling to help you sort out where you are and where you're going. Right now, you're both in limbo land, and to a certain extent have the worst of both worlds. You cannot look for love elsewhere, but you haven't the security of a marital commitment. It's a charade.

Another thing, you need to do the hard work now or later. It's easier to do it now. If you don't sort it out in this relationship it will follow you into others. Do the work now even if you decide to part from this woman.