Hello all. I`m not even sure I belong here or even if I`m in the right forum but I visited this web site quite often in 01 and 02 while I was going through my divorce. It helped me a lot so I guess thats why I`m back. After my divorce I fumbled around in life for several years until I finally met someone. She moved in with me, and it was way too soon. We both had a lot of issues and it didn`t work so I asked her to leave which she did. Several months went by and we started to date again because we did love each other. She moved back in again. We handled our differences a lot better this time but things got complicated when I agreed to let my daughter and her family move in while they had a house built. In that time my youngest daughter was also living at home and my son was going through a breakup of his own. Needless to say there was a lot of people in this house and a lot of frustration and stress. (the things we do for our kids!) We both have stubborn tendensies so that made matters worse. It got to where she was never here, running with her friends and never coming home and eventually it all came to a head and I asked to leave, which she did. That was in may of this year. I never contacted her because I knew how much I still loved her and it would just hurt too much. But about a month ago she called to ask if she could stop by to see the dog. I agreed and she stayed 5 minutes and left. By now all the kids have moved out. The house was complete and my youngest in college moved into an apt with some friends. A week or so later she called me to have a drink after work and I did, she did that several times which I agreed. While having a drink she tells me that she had met an old boyfriend from a long time ago that just split from his girlfriend and moved back to the area with his parents. She said she started to date him. I said thats good. A few nights later she sends me a text that askes if We could go to bed together with no strings, just as friends. I had been sitting home alone for the past several months so of course I agreed. So she stopped by several nights last week and told me she still loved me. One of those nights we went for a drink and she told me the guy was just one of the gang she hangs with when she goes out and that she won`t get serious with him until she finds more about his situation. After that we go back to my place to spend the night. the next moning on my way to work she calls and starts talking about how she will not give up on this guy and she loved him when she dated him and she wants to be more involved with him and when that happens we can no longer see each other.
What is up with all of this? During our time together I really got encouraged that we might be able to get back together. I thought this was a ploy to make me chase her again. I miss her terrible and was devestated when I got that call the other morning. I never thought I would feel that pain again, or at least I was hoping. That heartache that you cannot describe or run from.
Sorry for the rambling but I guess what I am asking is, from a womans point of view, why would she do this? I wouldn`t be suprised if she wants to get together one night this week, but she is with him this weekend. If I had a chance at a new relationship I certainly wouldn`t start something back up at the same time with an ex . Why?

Chalk it up to games SOME women play. There are major that can't be ignored. You deserve better and need to cut all ties with her. Build up your self esteem and don't rely on a person like this to define your worth.

Email me if you'd like. I have a male friend who is going through the same thing.

Ronda

A friend of mine said the same thing. I knew this would happen to me. She is almost an addiction to me. I just had thought that with our lives less complicated would could slowly work things out between us because the bottom line is we love each other.I know asking her to leave my home was the wrong thing to sdo. Stress will do things to you. I just feel so terrible now. Why would she start this back up with me? Especially since she was trying to get to know this new guy? My mind is racing and looking for answers. Is there any???????

No sleep last night and that never happens. I guess I let her get into my head. I can`t help but think if we had tried again, without the distractions of haveing kids living here, that maybe we could have worked it out. I layed awake wondering why she started this back up with me just 10 days ago? Someone, please ,...throw me some thoughts

Sounds like neither one of you has done any work on the therapy side, to enrich your life, remove issues, discover yourself. If I were you, I would walk away, unless you go to some sort of counseling to learn how to work together better. Honestly, I think she's too independent and selfish to make a good partner.

Oh, and the reason she's back now is she's trying to decide what she really wants. She likes this guy, she had forgotten what you were like, decided to test it again, to see which one was better. Guess what happened?

You deserve better than that.

She's using him as a back up plan. Women like that are ones to RUN away from and stay away from!

OK, go back and reread what you just said. She told you she went back to dating her old BF. Then she said to you "let's screw". And you "of course" agreed? Why "of course"? Why not say "I don't screw others' leftovers"? Am I the only one who sees a beginning of drama here?


Well, look at her behavior.. She is playing the field, and not trying to hide it. So you can either go along for the ride (I mean the rollercoaster ride, not the one you ended up taking), or move on. I'd vote for the latter - but that's just me, I hate drama.

AGG

I don`t like the drama either. I guess I was jst hoping we could get things back between the two of us. I asked her to stop by last night to talk. Yesterday she called me and was talking about her class at night school she attends. She said that after she finishes she would mave awya because she has nothing here to kep her here, no boyfriend, no husband and her son is grown. I thought that was a hint for me to get back with her. So when she stopped back I came out and asked her if we could start to date again and then maybe we could get things back to the way they were. She said no, that she wasn`t giving up this guy, she really likes him and wants to see if things work out with him. I asked her what about the sex we had, it seems so real and intimate and she said she was thinking about him and she was sorry that she misled me. She only wants to be firneds.
I feel more hurt than before and I guess I asked for it when I got sucked into it. I guess I believed what I wanted to happen and was hoping to get back with her. I would have been better off not even getting back with her for this little bit of time. I feel devestated.

This woman seems like a real piece of work . The best thing you can do is walk away and never talk to her again. As far as being friends, do you relaly want friends like her?

AGG

You`re right. She does always seem to have drama swirling around her. If she really cared for this other guy she wouldn`t have been in bed with me. I`m not about to let myself be her second choice. I asked myself the question. Am I better off now or when I was not even thinking of her? The answer is so obvious. I was a little bored but I was content.

I think what my biggest problem is , she`s like an addiction to me. Thats where my thoughts go durring the day, my cummute and when I try to sleep. Just when I think I have my head on straight, she calls and gets me thinking and missing her again. She called me the other night because she wasn`t sure she wanted to stay with the new guy! Crying and whining to me. Then the next day she calls and sounds like she is ok with him again. I guess it wiould be better if I didn`t even talk to her but there is no way to screen my calls at work.. I have to find some way to get her out of my head. Just how, is the big question.

You need go plan B. Send her a letter or email. That you can not have contact with her as long as she is seeing some one else.

As to phones at work. If you do not directly answer the phone have the person who does screen it for you. They will quickly learn to recognize her voice. If you have a desk and your own, almost every business these days has call ID use it. If you don't have that but have call forwarding you can have a work friend get your calls if not her he can transfer them back to you. You can be creative.

You can also tell her to never call you at work again and mean it! A normal mentally healthy person would respect your wishes.

Agreed. Research Plan B on here and give her a Plan B letter (leave me alone til you give up the other men).

At a minimum you need to make it clear that she will see you exclusively or not at all. Stand up for yourself. Right now you're the weak little guy who will go along with whatever she wants to do and whatever little game she wants to play. How do you know she won't be screwing some other guy while she's supposedly exclusive with you? Do you think the BF she doesn't want to give up knows about her sexcapades with you?

I had a GF like that a long time ago. I finally wised up and punted her after a few months of her mind games. It's the smartest thing I've ever done. And yes, I was very lovesick for several months, but I did get over it and realized I was a lot better off.

Let her go. Work on yourself, you're not ready for what's currently on your plate and you've fell under the control of a self-serving woman. Just one question for the record, is she anything like your XW?

I guess you can feel me bro! Sounds very similar to what I`m going through. It`s killing me and I feel like I`m in some sort of trap. Might look easy for the outsider but the guy inside is way beside himself. I try to remember the hard times, like when I asked her to move out but all I can remember is the love I once had for her. It comes rushing back like the tide. She always did have me wrapped. Very attractive but very high maintence. I don`t for the life of me, understand why I can`t get past this?????

I understand where you`re coming from Booka. She definatley is self serving. I guess I always knew that, but I loved her anyway. Some thing between us, I felt anyways. No, she isn`t anything like my ex. I guess thats why we first got together. Now I don`t know which way to turn. Like I said, she`s like an addiction to me. She`s playing a game and I gotta get out of it.I would like nothing more than to try again with her, but this other guy thing is making me nuts. I am the one that is going to have to put a stop to this. the friends thing is crap! I think she really has me spinniong along just in case things don`t work with the new guy. Apparently they haven`t been that good. My head is spinning and I need to get off this ride! But it`s not that easy.

You are in a trap if you continue doing what you've been doing. It's like playing take away with a child. Put the candy out there until they reach for it, then pull it away.

It's even more disturbing that someone is playing these games and is old enough to have grown children. I might understand it if she was barely out of her teens. The old GF I was referring to was only 21 at the time.