I'm sorry. I misunderstood a great deal of your responses, and thought you were not interacting with her much at all.

When you go over to OM's house tonight, take someone with you so they can photo/video. Do not lose your temper. The idea of saying "I was wondering where you were staying, and now I know." and then leaving is an excellent one.


Don't talk to your FIL until you have solid proof. Then talk to both your FIL and MIL. Your marriage needs the support of both your in-laws. You shouldn't be encouraging secrets between them. Besides, as you said your MIL has probably not been told the truth, and she needs to hear it.

You're really starting to get your feet under you. Good job!

This is getting tough and is going to end up ugly, but I'm willing to chance it at this point, as she is going to walk on me either way. She hasn't changed her mind about the divorce issue and I don't expect her to until this all gets uglier, but she started this, not me. I'm glad in a way, because I've had the chance to make some big changes that have been much needed. I want her back, but that's a choice only she can make.
Thank you all so much, will keep you updated.

35andtrying

Well you certainly have the RIGHT to divorce her, if that's what you want. But if you want to try to repair the marriage then focus on Plan A and maintaining a steady course.

We have seen waywards walk out, threaten divorce, and even file...and then reconcile. So really do not pay much attention to what she thinks she wants.

Instead focus on finding out the truth, exposing, and Plan A.
You're doing a good job of that, I'm just wanting to emphasize that you are doing the right things.

Turtle,

Initial reaction was yes, let's move on with this. I can however, hopefully learn to forgive her and work on repairing our marriage. I thought I would never say that I could forgive someone, but I can do it. I didn't scream and yell and throw fits and put her out. I calmly looked in her eyes and said, I'm angry, I feel betrayed, deceived, etc. I forgive you. I want you to know I forgive you. I want to work toward repairing this marriage and I want to go back to church and go to counseling and she told me, not happening. I told her, it was no problem, and I would continue making my habits for the better as I had been doing and she told me it still wouldn't matter, she's not attracted to me anymore. I told her that was fine, I didn't expect her to be, while she was chasing another man.
So first it's, 'I don't love you anymore', then a week goes by and it's 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' then another week goes by and I confront her with the symptoms of her actions, then it's 'I have feelings for another man'. I told her immediately I knew who it was and I asked her is it, xxxxx and she said yes, it is.

Ok, don't argue about whether it is an affair or not. Call it what it is, an adulterous affair. I would catch her at OM's house, so you can be assured they are not "just friends" and then if she refuses to end her affair, then start exposing.

But don't allow her to drag you into debates about what it is. You don't need her admission to know TRUTH. YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH.

35, she is saying CLASSIC FOGBABBLE that we see from every wayward who is in the throes of an addictive affair. So don't let her babble divert or scare you.

Secondly, I would not be so quick to forgive someone who has not earned it. She has done nothing to earn any forgiveness. She needs to know you would be willing to do so, though, if she ends her affair and commits to the marriage. But giving out unwarranted forgiveness like this cheapens the value of forgiveness.

I thought initial forgiveness would be in order, but you're probably right, I shouldn't have. I'm making a lot of mistakes. Hopefully I haven't just made another. Let me explain.

Today at work, I contacted my FiL. I know him well enough. I left a vmm. I called back and finally got him after many tries. I explained that I needed to talk to him confidentially and that's the only way the truth could come out. I needed to meet with him, and I wanted him to listen to me. He's a very understand, christian, and caring man. I know maybe I'm acting too quickly, but I think W's parents have a right to know. I want them to know that we are working on this, or at least I am for now. I believe she told them a completely different story. I don't want to speculate too much, but I believe she told them we are moving toward a divorce, even though when she told them, I don't believe she included any details. I will try and stay the track of sleuthing the OM, etc. Right now I need to let him know what's going on, he has no earthly idea and W told him we had it under control. I know you guys are probably not going to want to hear this, but I've prayed and prayed about it, and I believe that he will listen to me, I've never given him any other reason in the over 10 years I've known him, to not listen to me. We've always been self sufficient and never needed handouts like many couples. I will update this forum as it progresses. He has agreed to meet me confidentially while she is out tonight. Let's hope this goes well. I have a hard time keeping my composure anytime I engage in conversation about what's going on. I try to be strong emotionally, but talking about it just kills me.
Please continue with the advice, positive and negative, I have an open mind about it all.

Thank you
35andtrying (I need to get my name changed, it's not failed yet)

I think once the FiL finds out the information I'm going to give him, I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to go to OM's house with me. He's a gentle, caring man, but he's got a very strong physical stance, and thankfully I've never caused him to show me his mean side. I don't know if he will be so happy to find W in a drunken passed out state, if I told him where to find her tonight. I think I will try and talk him out of going once he finds out, he won't be very happy. She needs a good stern talking to, to snap her out of this crazy person she has become. I think she's in way over her head. All she looks forward to on the weekends is getting drunk. Between stressful job, part time school and us, and then not talking to anyone about her secret affair, I think she has drove herself into drinking. I'm not making excuses for her, I'm letting you guys know all the info. that I can w/o writing a book. Thank you to all who reply, it means the world to me. I hope only to return the favors that many have shown me, without even knowing me. This world does have some very good people in it afterall.
Thank you
35andtrying

thats great, get the FIL on your side....

I was so amazed to read this, 35! I was thinking this very thing this morning and hesitated because I felt it might be better to get the goods and THEN tell your FIL. But it also ocurred to me that it might shock your wife out of her skin if you and her FATHER showed up at the OM's and rolled her out of bed at 3am! That would definitely throw a wet blanket on the party! I will pray that God lights your path and leads your way in this.

Your poor FIL will be heartbroken, but he will be a great source of support for you, 35. Keep us posted, friend. We are praying for you.

Well thanks to you all and your good advice, I have to report that tonight I took action. I didn't want to post it until I was sure it was going to happen. Here's what happened:
I went and called FiL today during the day, I asked him to meet me confidentially at a public place and asked for him to hear me out. We met tonight while W was out and about in the big city. I rode around with him (at my suggestion) so that we wouldn't be seen by anyone that we both know and I could talk freely w/o breaking down emotionally as I've done with others. I never once got upset but I told him everything. Not surprising, he was somewhat shocked, but listened just like I thought he would. He will talk to W soon, maybe this weekend but he will never reveal our discussion and his W agreed not to either. He was very glad I had contacted him, as he knew W doesn't show her feelings real well and doesn't talk to many about how she feels. He figured something wasn't right when W told him we were moving toward a divorce, but since W told him we had it under control, he didn't want to intervene.
After meeting with FiL, I went and did some much needed grocery shopping, another first for me, but it had to be done and W's not keeping up her end of it, nonetheless, it was good experience. I called a friend on the way home and told him I was thinking of calling OM and having a talk with him. He agreed with me that I should call OM since W isn't around OM tonight.
I decided to call OM and W didn't lie, they weren't together tonight. I talked to OM for about 2 hours straight. He has been her emotional support and vowed not to discuss what I told him he will have to keep things confidental for now. I first told him, W was in love with another man, he said he wasn't aware of it. I asked him if knew who she might be in love with and he said he had no idea. Once I told him it was him, there was a long pause, he said he had, had no idea. I believe OM, because again OM is a mutual friend and would have no reason to lie at this point. At this point we talked for another 1.5 hours about W and what's been going on. He said that she has been over there with him and friends but NEVER has slept in his room, let alone his bed. He told me that after his wife did the things she did to him, he wouldn't dream first of all of doing that, and second he was both of our friends and had no interest in W in that way. I have to believe him, again, he has no reason to lie and I have known him for years. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I highly doubt it, because he has corroborated everything she has said. He said he was telling her that she needed to give me another chance, that our marriage could work.
I know it's possible that you all may not believe him, but I've known him for a long time, I have no reason to think he would lie to me, he never has and has nothing to gain by being secretive about it.
W is out tonight until tomorrow. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all for helping me to get the initiative to talk to the people I needed to talk to tonight. Both parties have agreed not to talk to W about our conversations, for fear that she will have a mental breakdown with all of the stress. It's important that W makes good decisions, but for her the sake of her mental health, I don't want to back her into a corner, I think what I have done tonight was fair.
Thank you all very much, I will update again tomorrow night.

35andtrying

I'm very glad you talked to your FIL, and it sounds like your MIL has been informed of the truth. That is very good.

You're right, I don't believe OM and WW are *not* having an affair. Affairees don't just say "yeah, we're boinking each other" -- they lie and cover their tracks. They will lie even when the BS walks in on them while they're having sex.

I think you messed up big time by talking to OM, instead of getting the truth for yourself. But it's your life, and I could be wrong.

Edited to add: I also think you made a mistake in asking your inlaws not to reveal your conversation with them. The more her behavior and its ramifications are "out in the open" the better. If she knows she's being talked about openly and honestly, she's more likely to examine her actions herself.

I've been reading this thread for a few days, and I agree about this being a mistake, but from my reading its to be expected. 35 has made a mistake of EVERYTHING and is handling this situation about as poorly as could be imagined.

35, you've simply got to quit "wringing your hands" in indecision and take some definitive action to find out what in the he11 is going on and then put an end to it. YOU are doing NOTHING, and that includes that half-hearted attempt at exposing to your FIL.

Seriously, what is up with a 2 hour conversation with OM, where you hang up as buds and beleive everything he says??? That's BS!!!

What does it take to make you mad and take ACTION???

ok 35... I don't know what to say, because I think you are pushing a car up the hill with the parking brake on. You are no better off this morning from your efforts than you were yesterday. It is going to take some productive action on your part to save your marriage.

Your "exposure" to your FIL was a wasted effort because you have sworn him to secrecy, entirely defeating the purpose, my friend. And you are none the wiser today about who the OM is. If this is the real OM you have just given him forewarning. Forewarned is FOREARMED. An OM will always lie so we have no idea if what he said was truthful or not.

Another bothersome thing here is why does your W think it is ok for a married woman to cat around all night like an alley cat? Are you condoning this behavior? What do you say to her when she leaves? Is there some reason why you are not going with her?

To sum this up, 35, you still don't know what is going on and are still in the same position you were in yesterday. What can you do to find out the truth so we can work on EXPOSURE?

35,

This from Yogi...

"When you get to the fork in the road, take it!"

Same can be said for a crossroad. If you sit in the middle of an intersection long enough, you WILL get run over by traffic.

Do SOMETHING before you get run over.

OM is NOT your friend.

OM is NOT your wife's "friend."

OM is an interloper. Treat him as such.

The affair thrives on secrecy. Bring it to the light of day if you want it to die. Treat it like black mold... If you put new drywall over it, it is still there. Covering it up won't make it go away.

The REASON to expose the affair to your in-laws is so that they can help put pressure on WW to end the affair. If you ask them to not tell her that you spoke to them about it, then they can't tell her to stop. If they talk to her about it will she mad? Trust me, you have NEVER seen her as mad as she will be.

Your marriage can survive her anger.

It cannot survive her affair for long.

You have to pick one. Make her mad or let her go to OM.

Your choice...

No decision IS a decision for the latter...

Mark

Everyone,

Tonight has brought on something new. I am sorry if I am a disappointment to all that have tried to help me. I am doing the best I can. With that said, here's what happened today:

Wife came home from allnighter, said she's done with that. I say, whatever, and we keep it civil. This afternoon around 4pm, the wife is dressed up to go out again. I asked her why she's going out again after an all nighter and she said, that's her choice. I told her, that's it I'm done, and we can go to her parents now, or I can go see them, she breaks down and gets upset and begs us not to go over there. I told either we go now and seek help from them, or I go alone and seek their help by myself.
We go to her parents house, and I expose it all because she is unwilling to. The whole way there she's telling me she hates my guts and will never forgive me to which I reply, it's ok, I still love you. Anyways, everything gets exposed, father talks as does mother. After 45 minutes of talking and her getting extremely upset, her father takes her in the other room and they talk for about 25 minutes. After this she comes back and is a lot better and doesn't quite hate me as much anymore. We talk for another 15 minutes and are about to go and her mother tells her she wants to show her something and they go back and talk alone for 15 minutes. I don't know what she showed her or if she talked to her, who knows. She comes back and we leave. She told me she doesn't hate me, but she still feels like she doesn't love me. Also she tells me she won't see OM anymore, but she has to first inform her friends and OM that they are done seeing each other for at least 3 months. I told her she can do it and she's rather peaceful.
I asked her if next weekend we can go on a date and I have no expectations, because she still isn't willing to listen. I think she needs time and I believe you all told me she will need some time away from friends and OM to make up HER mind and not be influenced. She still doesn't want to tell OM her secret. She doesn't know I've already talked to OM, but her parents agreed that if OM finds out that she's in love with him, it won't be good.
I know I'm not handling this the way you guys see fit. I am trying everything I can to do right. Please know that you all have been my lifeline in this and whether I do it right or not, I'm trying my darnedest to do whatever it takes. Please know I will keep trying and please keep the advice coming in based on my post. I'm not reading this for errors, if it's incorrect grammar, this post will have to survive, I have to eat. Thank you all.

35_and_trying

I disagree about your thoughts of OM, you don't know him well enough to call him an interloper. Not every case is textbook. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. You can't say things you don't know when you don't know the people. It's easy to say they were physically cheating, but again, you don't know that, that's what textbook and articles say. I'm not defending OM or his actions. He simply might not have known. He was trying to be an ear for my wife. You may disagree with this, that's ok, I'm not expecting you to agree with me. I spoke with OM for 2 hours last night and he's been a mutual friend who just had something similar happen to him. He's not some cowboy that has no feelings either, we're talking friends here, not strangers. OM wouldn't participate in feelings with my wife if he knew that she had feelings for him. Again, sorry if you don't agree, I happen to know OM pretty well.
Maybe he would after we were split up, but again I highly doubt it. I have more information that I'm not willing to put on the internet about this whole situation, you have to understand I do have some privacy as well.
We'll see what happens from here and I appreciate all advice, I can take criticism for my actions, just don't hole me in if I don't do it exactly as it's given to me. This is my life and I'm trying to hang on to it and do the best I can. I have nothing else but my wife at this point. She may still leave me and I can live with that, but I won't be talked down to, disagree with me fine, but condescension hurts everyone involved. Thank you for your help.

35, this needs to be done in a form of a LETTER, not personal contact. She needs to end contact with these people forever, not 3 months. What will be different in 3 months?

She asked you for this permission so she can see her OM again. Do you not understand that you have been TRICKED?

I think you did good taking her to her parents, but you threw this progress away by agreeing for her to go see them again. YOU NEED TO NIP THAT IN THE BUD.

She is doing something wrong, 35, and you do not have the full truth.

35, you are anonymous here, so your privacy could not be breached. Everything you say is private. We can't very well help you if you withhold pertinent information about the situation.

I feel like i have wasted alot of my time posting to you knowing that you withheld pertinent facts.

Melody,

You haven't wasted any of your time. I can promise you that, w/o a doubt, your time isn't wasted. I sent her a link to this site when I first found it, talking about affairs, before I found the forum, while I was still reading the information. I want to make 100% sure that she hasn't read any of this and I am pretty sure she hasn't, but nonetheless, I will provide anything and everything you ask of me. Have any questions, ask away. I won't withhold anything from you. I am doing my best, but I feel like, you all tell me what to do, I try to act on it and then I don't do it as best as I was expected to and I get grilled senseless about it. I can only try to make my wife do what I can. 3 months is better than nothing. I don't feel as though I was tricked. I have less than 3 months before she wants to get divorced, time isn't on my side right now. She had feelings that she didn't bring to me until 5 weeks ago. She has had the feelings for 9 months. I need to buy some time to make things happen.
I hope you don't feel like my life is a waste of your time, because not once have I ever felt like I was wasting my time on this site talking to strangers that wanted to help me. I hope that you can see that I'm doing everything I can and no it won't be 100% right according to what everyone says, but please bear with me, I'm doing everything I can. I promise I am trying to stay the course at this point. Please keep up the advice, it's all I have. Thank you.
35andtrying