My wife and I have been married for a year and a half and have encountered what appears to be a possible relationship-ending problem. Her and I have somewhat different interests. I spend a lot of time working out and am not much of a drinker. She, on the other hand, really likes going out and drinking with her friends. I completely respect this and have no problem with her going out on her own. I have made an effort to become more of a social, go-out type person, but she has told me that she doesn't like being at the bar with me. So I end up spending a lot of Friday and Saturday nights alone. I try not to put these kind of labels on our relationship, but I am far better to her than she is to me and we both know it.

A couple days ago, completely out of the blue, she tells me that she is going to stay with her friend for a bit. Her rationale is that she knows that she isn't good to me, but she is unwilling to change and doesn't know why. Essentially, I think she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore and it breaks my heart. She keeps saying that she is confused and doesn't have any answers for me, so I am basically sitting here waiting to find out if my wife still loves me. I feel like I am going to loose my wife and I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry to hear that. I don't have nearly enough experience to offer advice but I think it's awful that she doesn't realise how lucky she is to have what she has and I think she's very silly to risk losing it all.

Have you asked her how she would feel if you started to treat her that way?

Yes I have and she knows it would hurt her, but she doesn't care. She left today, and while I was obviously devastated, she showed almost no remorse for what she was putting me through. She flat out said that she doesn't feel the same way she used to. She says she just needs time to herself because she never got to experience life on her own (we got married at 22). She refuses to try a marriage counselor and I fear the worst, she simply doesn't care about me anymore. My wife, whom I have treated like an absolute queen for 1.5 years, has now left me utterly heartbroken.

That's truly appaulling. You deserve a lot better than that. I think you should let her be and just continue on with the rest of your life for a few months. Don't try to contact her, dont call her or any of the things you usually do. Don't be mean to her - but just don't beg after her either.

Hopefully that will make her see what she stands to lose.

BPL,

Sorry to break this to you, but there are enough red flags here to point to her having an affair. "Doesn't feel the same way she used to." No remorse. MOVED OUT! Typical wayward talk/actions. You must find out if this is true. Snoop. Cell phone records, email, a PI if you have to. The longer you sit on this, the deeper the ca-ca gets.

Keep posting about what's going on. The picture will soon become clear to those of us who've BTDT. There IS a structured PLAN to overcome this stuff.

Brace up, Pal. You're on a rollercoaster.

RHW

Here is the deal...she has been gone for about a week and a half and I have no idea what she expects of me. She has called, texted, or stopped by almost every day since she left, but got upset when I called her yesterday. As for the cheating, I am absolutely confident that she is not seeing or sleeping with anyone. However, not all affairs are physical or are with other men. She is having an affair, but the "other man" is partying and living the single life. She goes out all the time and tells me to stay away. This behavior has led her to question what she really wants (married life or independent life) and thus, question her feelings for me.

Over the past week, my feelings have evolved. At first I was completely devastated (I didn't eat for 2 days and got about 3 hours of sleep). Now I am sort of up and down every day. I go from having a sick feeling and being completely shattered (I basically throw up once every day) to being pissed that a girl who has walked all over me for a year is the one who left me! I know I'm not perfect, but I also know that I am a damn good husband. In fact, her friends have told her how much they wish they had someone like me. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but I have been spending a lot of time out with friends and while I am definitely not doing anything inappropriate, I am not necessarily advertising that I am married (I still wear my ring though, I get sick when I take it off). This has really opened my eyes. Beautiful women approach me constantly and after maybe an hour of hanging out, each of them has told me how great I am. Now, I know better than to pursue anything and I don't make any physical contact with them, but I must say, I haven't felt wanted or appreciated for more than a year and it is a good feeling to have someone be not only attracted to me, but also interested in me as a person. My wife has cared more about partying than me for a year now and her attraction (both physical and emotional) to me is lacking to say the least. I, on the other hand, make a strong effort every day to show her how beautiful I think she is and how much I love her.

I love my wife more than anything in this world. If she came home today and said she was sorry and would work on our marriage I would take her back without a moment's pause and would continue doing anything to make her happy. My experiences over the last week, however, have shown me that I really do have a lot to offer and sometimes I just get mad that the woman I want to offer it to doesn't want it. MANY others do though, and that's sort of my back-and-forth right now. Half of me is still heartbroken and wants nothing more than my wife (and life) back, but the other half is simply pissed off that a girl who had been a terrible wife to me is putting me through this.

One question for anyone who has gone through this: Is it a bad idea to go out with friends and meet other women, even if I absolutely don't do anything physical with them? While it has helped me see that I deserve better than this, I sometimes wonder if it will potentially do more harm than good in the long run.

Thanks for the comments so far.
Taking it one day at a time,
BPL

Well, if she isn't having an affair (and I think she IS), she is way too immature to be a good marriage partner.

Right now, you really don't know what she is doing. And I'm getting the impression that you really don't want to know. As you're discovering, though, ignorance is NOT bliss.

What about hiring a PI to watch her one weekend? At least you'll know exactly what you're up against.

Highly unlikely that she isn't. Sorry, but what you are saying is what 90% of all betrayed spouses say when they first come here: "Not MY wife! I know her! She would never do that to me!"

Thing is, they aren't doing anything TO anybody, they are just doing. Because it feels good to be chased at clubs. As soon as she starts getting chased, she starts thinking of this poor boring guy sitting at home alone, and thinks 'why would I want THAT?'

Hire the PI, or at the very least get some friends to follow her. You need to know the truth before you can create a plan.

BPL,

Please hear us on this. While we don't know your whole story, the bare-bones facts you've given us is setting off our alarms. We've SEEN this behavior and know what it almost always means.

You owe it to yourself to get at the truth. If you believed everything she says, and were OK with it, you wouldn't have come here in the first place.

It's hard, but putting your head in the sand is only gonna make it harder later.

Right Here Waiting