I have been reading in a variety of posts the WW will say I am confused right now, I don't know what to do / tell.

1) What does this mean?
2) Is this an attempt at extending cake eating?
3) Does this mean I am not sure of the affair and would like to keep you as a back up in case the affair does not work out?
4) I want to stay on the bank account cause I like the money you bring to the marriage.

If you can please offer a translation I would be most appreciative.

Probably #2 and numbers 3 and 4 you don't want to be married to anyway. The affair is fantasy. Once the affair is out in the open, the WS suffers what I think is nearly schizophrenia where they suddenly have to fit these two separate universes into one brain. They also have to reconcile what was once unthinkable to the new reality. I do think it is a very confusing time for the WS.

there is no difference, they all mean the same thing, stringing you along. Does it matter?

That why they call it cake eating.

Cut off the supply of cake. She will get all the cake she wants from the OM. Keep stringing you for a back up. Find out that the OM will be stingy with his cake and will only want to share the crumbs. WW will then see the OM for what he is. Only willing to do enough to sting her along. Then she'll dump OM.

Either way WW comes back or makes the move to dump you because she want's OM to fill her neds and you will not provide insurance if the OM was to dump her.

Either way, you or the OM get dumped. You win both ways. How?

Simple you get her back, or the nightmare ends, which is needed for your pain to end.

Does the nightmare ever end? Right now it seems that the tape is looped and it keeps going. I was hopeful of reconciliation, but W is in search of her own happiness right now - whatever that means. The affair with the OM seems to remain emotional, as she now thinks he might be gay and that is why their M broke up.

I have to look after myself now and I think that involves moving on with my own life. I don't have a desire to be someones back up plan.

Thanks for the feedback. Going through a rough patch right now. I think I need to implement Plan B here very shortly.

I really, really doubt that!

I no longer trust what she says. That is why I am proceeding with the separation agreement.

Since our separation I have experienced the WW script. I would like to reconcile but I am loosing hope and possibly desire to reconcile . That is why I am going into plan B.

My Current situation

1) She will not break off the "friendship" with OM. I told her that I cannot continue to try and restore a relationship when another person is involved.

2) She responds she is lonely and has been for over 5 years and she needs friendship

3) I told her she should surround herself with some good female Christian friends and get support from a local church. She responded she has good Christian friends. 1 - has had an affair on her husband, 1 - is divorced cause she did not want to move to the H new job, 1 - married to an alcoholic and wonders why she did not have an affair on the sly. The ones that have challenged what she is doing she no longer talks to. Any councilor that she has seen that challenges her, she finds an excuse as to why they are no good.

4) She is willing to walk away from her family (children). She does not care what they think. She feels the family is dysfunctional and it is my fault. The kids only want to see her once per month because they feel she tries to take over their lives if they allow her to see them more often. They told me they don't have a problem if I want to see them more often. I feel our kids are doing fine. They are pursuing their jobs and educations. They are all employed in their professions. I see them regularly and they are leading productive lives, busy, but productive.

6) She said her relationship with OM was OK because she is separated.

7)She just wants to be happy, and she is now that we are not together.

8) She wants to separate but cannot understand why I am insisting on separating the assets. She wants to wait and see. Maybe things will get better as she has time to "get healed up" and we can look at reconciliation next summer, because time will have passed.

9) Last night she told me on the phone that she hates me, but told me today that she did not really hate me, she was just hurt.

10)She stated she no longer cares what people think. She left me with the impression that she was concerned about the "rumor mill" and what I might hear. When I asked what she meant, she quickly gave an evasive answer.

11) Last night I began by wanting to show her a brief video on an emotional affair. She stopped me 15 seconds into it and said "I know all that" and yes I have been in an emotional affair. I have been lonely in our marriage for the last 5 years and my friends (who are Christians - supposedly) all say that they are surprised she has not done anything sooner. She was referring to having a secret affair and it being physical. She said she did not want to be unfair to me as she mentally left the marriage 5 years ago.

12)When I told her that a counselor thought her behaviour by bringing OM over while I was in the basement was hurtful, disrespectful and cruel. Her response indicated she wanted to hurt me as she has been angry and hurt by me over the years. She keeps saying she was never really happy in our marriage. There have been some good times but she now is seeking happiness.

13) I told her I was concerned for her that her relationship was not honoring to God. And she should surround herself with Christian female friends. Her response was all her friend are Christian, and she feels that perhaps she is instrumental in presenting God and Christ to OM who is not a Christian. She feels that God is leading her at this time.

14) She assures me the affair is not physical and will not be. She definitely has an attachment to this guy as she feels she is in the middle. I was up to see my son one day at the house and the OM said "I see your H was over, did you have a good time?". She feel she needs to justify to him why I was there. She feels she is in the middle.

15) My two of my kids think she has a personality disorder. They feel like they were "walking on eggshells" when they lived at home. There was a lot of tension in the home. They have indicated to me they do not feel that tension when I visit them alone.

16) She feels I emotionally distant. However when I try to share how I feel she says to me "Oh thats just poor you talking". I don't feel like I can share how I feel as she criticizes me.

17) She feels I neglected her emotionally

18) She feels I am controlling and emotionally abusive. I have noticed that if anyone questions her thoughts or decisions she feels they are being abusive or they are yelling at her (yet they are talking in a calm voice)

Confronted with this information I am following up on Plan B which includes legal separation. I am currently living on my own. I must admit it is more peaceful but I do get lonely. I do have one big problem. I still love my wife..

The other problem I have is when I married her I made a commitment for life. I have a desire to reconcile. But I also realize I cannot be unrealistic. I cannot see the forest for the trees because I am involved in the relationship. When I read other posts I can see the issues and what to do, but not in my own situation.

What is the likelihood of us reconciling when you are apprised of this situation?

If I can weigh upon you folks for clarification and direction, I will be forever grateful.

BCB,

As you have laid it out, I would say the chance of reconcilliation is about nil. Something has to change. For sure the affair has to end. You are Biblically allowed to divorce as your W has had an affair (hardening of the heart to both her religion and you).

You know how a Christian would act, and you know neither your W nor her supporters are in fact acting in a Christian manner themselves.

You cannot reason with her. You cannot convince her of her failures as she has already made you the scapegoat.

I know you are going on an extended trip. I say separate, and for sure separate your finances. I would cease any monetary support for her as well. Take good care of the kids and work on being the man you can be, and being a man that appreciates their life. Plan B is good.

Until something changes in her life, nothing will change in your marriage. That is my feelings on the matter. Perhaps someday she may be convicted of her behavior and see things differently. I hope so. It is certainly within the realm of possibilities.

I would also say that your children are good barometers of her behavior now and in the past, and from what you have said, this is NOT new behavior.

You must separate out the woman you loved, from the woman you are married to. They may well be different people.

Must go. I am sorry I could not offer you any good advice toward saving this marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL for your feedback. It is a sad day when you loose the one you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I don't think I know who this person is that I am currently married to.

On the upside I have had the opportunity to learn a lot from this forum. I have appreciated your wisdom and willingness to share it.

God Bless you

bcb,,,,,,,,

i would agree that jl is spot on. big surprise, huh. he be one smart dude

go back and read #'s 1) thru 18) (excluding 15) from your own post

now tell me where she is confused. seems she feels she has it all together and everytime she thinks she has pushed you over your brink she says "she was just hurt"

i know you still love her. if not you would not be here. from where she is emotionaly, rationally and mentally right now, unfortunatly you are not the apple of her eye.

i think the best way for you to either snap her out of this foggy head is to set her free.

not having you there as her crutch she will have to sink or swim with om.

and as someone else said either way it is a win - win for you. she either comes back or you will end the agony of her playing both sides and you can start healing

Pops

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I went back and read the posts as you suggested.

Why did you have to be right? My fears are being confirmed. I have been too emotionally involved to see it clearly. I have appreciated the community here for helping me and others find a way through this maze.

Today is a sad day. The realization is sinking in. Like I heard someone say, Divorce and separation is like going to a funeral but the casket is never closed. I remained hopeful that things would turn around. Unfortunately it looks like they won't.

It is hard to reconcile that the classy young lady I married has hardened her heart towards me and is turning her back on her faith by her actions.

I hope you won't mind me butting in...

Reading this thread, I am reminded of how my husband grew up. At times it was difficult for his father to wake up his sons. He would make attempt after attempt and then finally in frustration he would take 3 washrags and wet them in cold water, then toss them on each of the boys' faces.

Perhaps your wife needs a cold, wet washrag.

In my opinion, I believe she will remain in her fog until she gets the wake-up she needs, after which she may be remorseful and come to her senses.

I'd also like to share, for what it's worth, that some of my best friends in school were gay boys. They do make good friends to girls/women. There's truth in that. However, once you're married, any relationship where the majority of the ENs are being met outside the marriage is counterproductive. Anyway, she's in wayward mode and needs to snap out of it and reinvest in the marriage.

Keep the following of MB principles as part of your conditions for her return, and be ready to do the work if things turn around in your favor. I'd print off 2 copies of the basic concepts and 2 copies each of the LB questionnaires (1 for the wife and 1 for the hubby). Put her copies somewhere for later. You never know. Perhaps there is hope, but she may not be ready to try until she experiences the full consequences of leaving.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to get out every day for a brisk walk and to be proactive in other areas of your life. I think at times like this, the BS is susceptible to depression, and it's important to recognize that you're a good person and have a lot to offer by being helpful to others. Make lists for yourself of good things to do, and try to make sure you do something each day. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Be mindful of depressing situations and avoid them (aka sad songs, love stories on television) until you're better able to handle exposing yourself to them.

Good luck. Hopefully this could turn itself around once reality hits.

BCB, have you done Plan A yet, even a brief one? One where you eliminate your LBs, meet her ENs in a way that you are enthusiastic, and negotiate to get your needs met without LBs?

It's a two-step plan. Whether you are with your W or move on later, you would have had to learn how to do this, anyhow. How much better to do this with the mother of your kids!

You can do this! Then, you can Plan B on your timetable, when you're ready. A good Plan A will make the Plan B like a natural step you will have peace about, instead of one you are fighting. Plan A is the reality bringer. I think you're fighting acceptance of Plan B because you know that you haven't shown her the real you yet. Haven't shown yourself yet, either.

Have you researched this "gay" affair partner who's marriage failed?

Plan-A time, atleast for a feew weeks.

Ears
I have been in plan A Since July. Melody Lane helped tune me up on that. I made a critical error where I moved out of the house. I should not have done that. Hindsight is 20 - 20.

I have been nothing but kind and pleasant. Taken her on several dates etc. Told her in no uncertain terms that the relationship with OM is unacceptable.

BCBOY

bcb,, hey separation does not mean the end.

i was lucky in that it only took a strong plan b to slap my w unside the head.

but it was me not lb'ing and going out and having fun (moving forward) that cleared her fog.

we were living under the same roof th ewhole time and i have to say that from "my" perspective i don't know how it would have turned out had we actually separated.

that is because i don't know if "I" would have wanted back in at that point. not her.

bcb, I'm glad that you had expert help in the Plan A. You'll know
it's working when you don't feel confused anymore. It'll get really clear. I am wondering why it's not clear if you've been doing this since July. I am trying to understand whether you've done a full Plan, A, or more of a sideline one?


Up there you said she still feels abandoned. Is this fog or based in a current lack of time together? What is the lasting impression that you are leaving the two of you with? Are you working with her to make 15 hours of enjoyable UA time together? Willing to try this part of the program? Or do you believe that she should rely on her women friends for that? ML usually tells folks to move home, have you considered that option?

Do you think that you've learned what you hoped and planned to from your Plan A?

Ears

Right now my wife tells me she is very confused. She wants to by happy. She does not want to get back together. She say maybe in the distant future.

It is time for me to stop letting the cake eating continue. She is dating another man. So she can get him to meet her needs.

The way I feel right now it is unlikely we will be getting back together.

Gotcha, BCB. Sounds like you were on the fence yesterday, but finding peace today. Like that expression, "When One Door Closes Another Door Opens--but It's Hell in the Hallway" I am glad that you found a direction that gives you peace, that's the goal of Plan A, right? To bring that clarity, to get YOU back, regardless of the other person's response.

bcb, I agree with you that you should get a legal separation. As long as you are separated, she should not have the benefits of a married woman. As it is now, she can carry on her affair from the comfort of her home since you have left and given her that freedom.

As far as her claim that she wants to consider reconciliation sometime in the future, that is just a way to manipulate you into not protecting your financial interests and getting a legal separation to separate your assets.

The OM might not approve of you being at her home. Did you realize that?

Are you making the mortgage payment for her and the OM's love nest?

And about him being "GAY?" You didn't fall for that one, did you? :RollieEyes: